Hi, im very new here and since i came out to my wife ive felt a need to connect with others so ill take a few minutes to introduce myself.
I am a 30 year old naturally born male, the earliest memories i have i can remember always wanting to be female though im not sure how or when the idea was implanted.
I was born in an era of repression which could possibly have just been my family? Im not sure and i typically try not to blame others for my own inability or cowardice towards becoming a woman.
I grew up constantly feeling like i was on the outside looking in, i truly never fit in with many people and was always an outcast.
Fast forward to when i was 14-15 i was generally misbehaving getting into some harder drugs. At this point i was in my sisters custody and she decided sending me to ontario to live with my dad would be a good way to straighten me out.
I didnt grow up with any knd of real father figure, my moms boyfriend was extremely abusive and locked us in an undeveloped basement after school until bedtime, except for supper. I could go on to explain further the abuse but that would be too much to type in one post lol.
So i moved to ontario, at first it felt like a new beginning and was very hopeful. I for the first time was acing my classes and really engaged in the content.
I met a boy my age and we really connected on several levels, his father was akin to mine but his was in jail. My father which i know now was also a scum bag destroying peoples lives.
Our friendship blossomed into more, we both felt a strong connection that turned into passion.
I had a falling out with my father as i began to realize what kind of person he was and decided to run away.
My friend and his single mother took me in with open arms, i attended school and continued to do great for a couple of weeks.
Im not sure what happened next to be honest i dobt really remember what changed but i grew distant with my new freedom and made some new "friends" i got right back into the cycle of drugs and depression.
I couldnt put my friend or his mother through it so i just never went back, i turned into a terrible person.
Over the course of 4-5 months i was homeless basically begging my new "friends" to crash on their couches. We did break ins and sold the stuff to our dealer which we then turned around and sold for petty cash.
I found out another kid was stealing from our dealer and told him, obviously there wasnt much he could do since the kid was my age and he was an adult, so i volunteered to fight him and won, the kid wanted a rematch so the next night and the night after we fought again.
I lost the last two, and my dealer felt bad for me so he let me crash at his place while i recovered. Call it fate i dont know but a couple days later while i was licking my wounds my fathers wife walks into my dealers house...
Turns out theyre cousins lol small world, she saw me all beaten up and borderline starving. She tried to get me to come home but out of my own stubbornness i declined so she went out and came back with some groceries and gave my dealer some money for room and board to keep me off the streets.
After a long winter that seemed like an eternity i finally decided it was time to turn myself in to social services and they flew me home to my mom.
At this point she was single seeing random boyfriends but at least the abuser was gone so i felt relieved.
I reconnected with an old friend of mine that was good never got into real trouble. We were supposed to go and see a movie. I was walking home to get ready after work and there was an old car parked along the street and this lady called out to me asking if i wanted to get high.
I was at that point and probably still too trusting, i got in the car, they asked me if i knew a good spot to get stoned that wasnt out in the open. I directed them to an old strip mall.
They drove past it and turned onto a road out of town, i began to freak out. The man that was driving started to ask me to do things to the woman. The car was an old two door and i was in the back leaving me no possibility of escape i have never felt so helpless in my life.
They finally pulled onto a back road, this is the end i thought i was done and i only had one chance. They both stepped out of the car and the guy reached back to pull me out, i dont exactly remember how i escaped all i remember was running through farm fields jumping razor wire fences until i eventually got back into town.
I ran right to the gas station in which i was supposed to meet my friend and luckily him and his mother were still there waiting in a van, i jumped inside yelling screaming and crying. She told me to watch my language lol and i calmed down a bit trying to explain what just happened.
The car pulled into the parking lot and i pleaded for her to drive away as fast as possible.
She did, we missed our movie and eventually dropped me off at home. I didnt tell anyone else what happened and added it to my repressed memories.
Years go by and now im 20 somthing, finally thanks to family referrals and my own hard work beginning to make something of myself with a great career. I remember sitting on lunch reading the paper when i came across a story of a dirty old couple that held a woman in their basement for four months. Immediately i recognize the man, how couldnt i he was big burly had the same beard everything and there she was a strung out crack addict.
To this day i dont know why i never stepped forward to the police even after seeing them in the paper, i could have prevented that poor woman from being held captive, or at the very least added to theit jail sentence afterwards. I guess i was emberassed or scared and didnt want any if that in my new life.
I met my wife when i was 22, she was very kind and caring with a motherly touch. I knew instantly this was my life partner. We married that same year.
Several years into our marriage i began to trust her enough and open myself up a teeny tiny bit. It started i guess as gender bending in the bedroom, it was great i could finally be myself or closer than id ever been.
We both wanted children, and after four years of no success we both began to get depressed by the whole thing and kind of drifted apart. But one day all of a sudden she was pregnant.
For some reason i again repressed my needs putting my family ahead of any selfishness. We had another boy two years later and things were better than ever for our family.
As time went on i irrationally made a decision to end my career working on the road because it was becoming increasingly dangerous with me working for 2-3 days on end, no sleep and driving from rig to rig.
I called an old friend and lined up a new job where i would be home every night with my family, i would only make a fraction of the money but we managed to buy a house not far from my new job, we struggled adjusting to being essentially working poor.
A year later the price of oil crashes and i lost my job, last february. Luckily my wife was able to find work out of town.
I took over as a stay at home dad lol never thought id see the day and it was a major blow to my self esteem since i was always the provider.
This again was another trigger in a sense to bring back my repressed feelings of being a woman inside, i began researching slowly at first then breaking out into picking up bits of clothing and a couple wigs.
I always kept it away from my sons as theyre 2 and 4 and i genuinely didnt want them to become confused. But when they went to bed it was makeover time!
It wasnt ever really a sexual thing for me, i didnt go out and buy skirts or other erotic type clothing. I enjoyed a nice snug pair of jeans and other casual wear, i was fascinated living as a day to day woman.
My wife lost her job, i picked one up. Prior to her coming home i garbaged everything in fear of what shed think. She had made some comments about me being emotional and said she hoped i wouldnt turn into a caitlyn jenner.
This really hurt me so i felt it best to crawl back into my shell or risk losing my family that i love more than anything in the world.
A couple weeks ago i decided enough is enough, i cant remember if there was a distinct trigger or not. But i told her i desire to transition and guess what...
Shes totally fine with it, i almost fell over. I dont want to leave her i love her and my kids and if i ever had to choose i would choose them hands down.
So here i am, i need to get the ball rolling on therapy etc.. But im free im myself to an extent.
I havent outted myself to anyone else including my kids, i still dress male at home and at work. I do dress up sometimes at night and casually wear a bra during the day since i luckily have a small b cup left over from when i was overweight.
My new story begins!
Sent from my C6906 using Tapatalk
