Confused On What To Do

[StormBrew]

Hello, and thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm 14 years old boy and in my freshman year of high school. For as long as I can remember, I've gotten pleasure from wearing women's clothing. I always felt as if I should be ashamed of it and try and hide it while boosting my masculinity. I've achieved a black belt in martial arts, and felt as if the feelings had left me, but it is not the case. Every time I stop dressing it comes back within six months. I've always secretly wanted to join my school's cheer leading squad, and more importantly fantasized on being a women. I can't help but think how my life's been in a spiral. I don't know what I am, if I want to be transgender, if I have a fetish, or if I just have issues. I just have felt so alone these last 4 years and I have no idea where I am going. I want to make the right decision, but I don't want to harm myself or others in the process. I guess what I am trying to say is I need advice to decide what to do. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to help.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. First you don't have a fetish and you are transgender and possibly transsexual. The best possible outcome would be for you to come out to your parents, your parents take you to a gender therapist where you are diagnosed and put on blockers. The blockers will stop puberty as long as you take them and when you reach the proper age you will receive hormones if you still desire them and then surgery if you desire that. Starting at an early age reduces the effort you will need to transition and should you change your mind, stopping the blockers will allow puberty to continue normally.

It is possible you will be allowed to live as a girl and attend school that way. Making the cheer leader squad will depend on your ability but others have done it so you won't be the first.

If you have felt this way as long as you can remember you are one who knew early. I had feminine behavior very young but I didn't figure it out until age 13. People may figure it out much latter in life and you will find all groups here in force.

We will provide all the help we can including educating you about yourself and coming out information. You need only ask your question on this thread or any of the others you have an interest in and people will respond. There is also a youth section that you may have already found where you will find others your age. Older people respond to post in that area if needed but we tend to stay in other areas of the site.

Let me know if there is anything I can help you with.

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[StormBrew]

i guess it is just a lot to take in. I do enjoy being a male too, but I have an urge to wear the opposite gender's clothing. I just don't want to make a rash decision and regret it the rest of my life. Thank you for the links, they did help. I think i'm a ->-bleeped-<- rather than transgender, but any advice at all is appreciated.

[Dena]

You could be cross dresser, ->-bleeped-<- or gender fluid. Again, therapy might be a good option so you could explore this part of your personality. Perhaps the best thing would be to tell your parents you need to see a gender therapist because you are unsure what you feel. Sometimes our fear of becoming the other role makes us more comfortable in our current role. As our birth gender we don't have to risk losing anything. Many people go for years in their birth gender because it seems the lest risky way of dealing with it. As the result, they go for years being very uncomfortable with who they are.

Also, don't confuse what you like to do with who you would like to be. A female could do pretty much any of the things you do and it would be acceptable. I still have and use my male abilities even though I have been living as a woman for 35 years.

What ever the case, the best thing for you is to get this figured out as soon as possible because if you are transsexual, early treatment would be best for you. If you aren't transsexual, you will learn how to be comfortable filling both sides of your personality.

I will keep responding to this thread as long as you keep posting because it is important for you to find a place where you are happy.

[StormBrew]

I guess I'm asking the question, "Why can't I do this as a man?" I don't want to be the other gender, I appreciate all my male attributes, but I always have that desire to have feminine things. Hell, I've slept in a dress before! I don't know when I started dressing, but is was very early in my life. The main difference I have is that I love my male life, but I want to have these extra freedoms without the transitioning, which may sound selfish. I guess the attraction snowballs into a process of looking at tg caps, to cross dressing, to denial, and reset. I love being male, but I want those extra freedoms, like painting my nails, or having earrings, ect. I've been so torn on this topic for so long. Can I still be a man and have this? Or must I become a woman to save myself the insanity? I'm only fourteen and don't want to change everything. I love weight lifting, martial arts, and football, but I also love cheer leading. Thank you for all the support and advice, but I just don't want to make a rash decision and ruin my future. I sometimes wish the world was more accepting of everyone. Thank you again for reading, I guess i'm scared to change everything.

[Dena]

This is why you really need some therapy with a gender therapist. Your descriptions are sounding more like you aren't transsexual but may be gender fluid or possibly gender queer.

Gender fluid is when you sometimes feel feminine and like being dress up all the way feminine but other times you feel all the way masculine.

Gender queer is when you enjoy mixing the two. You might want to present male but paint your nails and wear items of female attire. You may also like to present in a gender neutral manor. Gender queer is a pretty much anything goes.

Both of these fall into the non binary classification and while some seek surgery, it should be considered very carefully because if you feel 60% male and 40% female, surgery would make you more uncomfortable than you are now.

Something you may not understand from my past post is I still do pretty much everything that I did as a male. I still do computer work, I repair many things and there isn't a task I won't take on because of my new gender. In the United States there are few things that women can't do that men do. Those tasks mostly required strength, something you would lose going on HRT.

I am not here to push you in one direction or another but to help you figure out where you will be comfortable. Envision yourself as a female martial arts teacher and then as a male martial arts teacher. Both options would be open to you. Woman's base ball is popular and women do play pickup football games with men so sports can be enjoyed in either gender.

You aren't selfish but you are confused because you are still trying to define what is male and what is female. When I was young, the roles were clearly defined but today what you do and what you enjoy don't make you a man or a woman. What defines you as a man or a woman is life you would feel more comfortable in. One test others have mentioned is if there was a button you could press and you would become a woman, would you press it? If you would press it, the answer is pretty clear. If you wouldn't press it, then you need to decide where in the non binary you fit.

You have a right to feel scared and it's a good thing as this isn't something to be taken lightly because you only get one shot at making your life right. If you make a wrong decision, you have to live with it the rest of your life. A gender therapist will help you work through this so you should talk to your parents about this and see if they can get you into therapy were you can discuss this.

One other thing you might want to do is review the posts made by a cross dresser who has taught me a few things about the life style. The link will take you to the profile and then click on show post and you will be able to read how somebody else has resolved the conflicts they felt over being part man and part woman.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=42192

[purplewuggybird]

Hi StormBrew--

Well first I really do hope this help! There are so many people similar to you and who care!
I read your post and was just thinking how similar you are to me. Not that that should mean anything, but just for comparison's sake. I had similar feelings all throughout my life, and felt really confused. Then just last year I found a word that expressed my identity. I found that much of those confusing, sometimes negative feelings went away with "tagging" the "issue." Whatever that word is, it might be hard to find, or be super easy to find, but it will be you, and that might take away some of the anxiety. But I would be naiive to say that would solve all the feelings and woes, but I defiantly thought that helped me. Also giving yourself the ability to be yourself helps. That sounds so stupid, but talking you someone (especially a friend who you TRUST) will validate your experiences. Talking with some of my friends was so rewarding (I am also a freshman HS) and they basically said that it was totally okay to be undecided, to come to school dressed one day, and then the next day completely in old clothes (my word for male clothing). Anyways, I have no idea where I am going with this but I really hope it helps. I totally agree with everything Dena has said--and I think a gender therapist is a good way to go, but then also a good friend is a good path of travel. Also trying to think of too many things at once can be a woe, try to focus on just a few things and take them one at a time! I hope you feel better soon 

[StormBrew]

Thank you all so much it means a lot to me. In a perfect world I would cross dress at school and be male, but perhaps I either don't have the courage yet or the ability to yet. I love everything girly, but I don't want to give up my male life. I'm sure we all agree finding friends who can accept you are hard, but they remain with you throughout your life. Some days i'm as girly as can be and others all I want to do is train myself physically. I have no doubt women can do just as many things as men can, but it is just intimidating for me. Both my parents are conservative Christian's who are simply not the biggest fans of the LGBT community. I'm lucky to live in California and I'm just looking for clarity in my life. Again, thank you for all your wisdom and support.