What did you not know was as a result of Gender until you took HRT?

[orangejuice]

Everyone tells me that hormones are for the mental relief that it brings in helping people feel better regardless of what life changes they are going to make. So for me my problem has always been that I desperately want to look like a girl.  I do agree that it wouldn't be healthy to expect to physically transform into a woman. It would have to have other positive effects on my life even if I continued to live as a guy and in the very male environment life has thrown me into. Below are things about me that I have never related to my feelings about my gender:

-I was always chronically shy and lacking in confidence growing up and as a teenager, despite being not bad looking, popular, athletic and pretty smart.

-I have always felt different to everyone else. Like they all know how to do life instinctively but for me I feel like I'm constantly faking it and I have this secret that I actually don't want any part of it. Its like I have to force myself to live.

-All my actions and words go through this filter in my head. Again like everyone else is just themselves out in the world but I am stuck suffocating in my own head.

-Since the day I left school I have been completely terrified of the future.Thinking about tomorrow, next week or next year is like staring into this horrible dark abyss and again everything I've done since that age has just been about scrambling to put up an acceptable front to friends and family, whereas other people just live. At least it seems that way.

-I'm completely terrified of sex and don't desire it in any way. For that reason I don't date and haven't been in a relationship since high school. I would pretty much love to get to know someone and feel close to someone but everyone else is just so driven by sex so I can't.

I know what it sounds like but I HAVE NEVER associated these feelings with anything to do with my gender. But if HRT is going to help me then I think it would have to help these things.

So yea, hence the title of this post-What did you not know was as a result of your gender feelings until you took hormones? Particularly stuff that was fixed by taking hormones? I'd really appreciate any answers.

[Harley Quinn]

Everyone is going to have a different answer. For me:
1). I've also been shy, and still am relatively speaking. Hormones didn't do anything about this. I had to push myself to become more outgoing.

2).Feeling different from other people; I've always felt different, but I learned that being different isn't all that bad. It's the spice of life. Again, not a hormone thing. Just being genuine with yourself and live a life that you want, the way you want. No more faking it... don't worry about living the way "you think" others think you should live.

3). Having a filter in your head is something that everyone has to a point. That's along the lines of 1 and 2. It's a natural reflex to hold your thoughts close when you believe that they can be in turn used against you.

4) Fear of the unknown is a constant struggle for everyone.  Hormones didn't do this for me either. I choose to focus on the positive possibilities rather than the question of what may come. If you have a goal and steer your day towards that goal, you might find that you look forward to what's coming.

5).Sex. That's a personal thing. And there are Asexual people out there. I believe that there's a group here.

HRT may help some with these issues... however, for me it was nothing more than bringing my outer appearance in line with my inner self.

Therapists are there to help you identify solutions for your problems. But ultimately you're the one that has to decide what will work for you. I did it so I could feel more comfortable living my life, as I couldn't find the woman in the mirror. Now I see myself more clearly.

Hope you find the answers you're looking for.

[Miyuki]

I can relate to most of the issues you listed, and since I spent a lot of time on low dose HRT without transitioning, I can at least say how only being on hormones affected those issues for me. But the answer unfortunately, is not very much. After being on hormones I was still shy, I still felt different from other people and that I was drifting through life without any real purpose, I still had to filter what I said to match what I felt like other people would expect me to say (and I can't even describe how good it felt when I decided to stop doing that), I felt slightly less scared of my future but still very unsure of where things were going, and I was still reasonably sure I would never have sex at any point in my life (but at least the sex drive went away so I didn't feel nearly as bad about it). Actually going through the process of transitioning made those things better, not taking hormones. What hormones did do was to make me less depressed, less anxious, and less dysphoric about my body. For a long time, they were the only thing that made my life tolerable, but when I finally decided "tolerable" wasn't good enough, that is when the big changes really started.

[orangejuice]

Hi Harley. Thanks for the response.

So it really just helped you in the way you thought it would? There was nothing about yourself or life that it made easier that you hadn't previously attributed to your gender?

What I expect it would help me with would be looking in the mirror and feeling happier about how I look. But then I'd walk out the door and it would make all the things I listed above infinitely worse.

Bringing my outer appearance to match my inner self would be what I would want I too. But what if that's not even possible? I mean I'm already half way to bald. Hormones won't give me my hair back. That's just one example. So would I ever look in the mirror and see what I want to see? That is why I'm clinging on to this emotional relief thing. It seems like I'd need that part for it to be the right decision for me, but I can't really see how it would help, hence why I'm asking if anyone had it help them in ways they didn't anticipate.

[orangejuice]

I can relate to most of the issues you listed, and since I spent a lot of time on low dose HRT without transitioning, I can at least say how only being on hormones affected those issues for me. But the answer unfortunately, is not very much. After being on hormones I was still shy, I still felt different from other people and that I was drifting through life without any real purpose, I still had to filter what I said to match what I felt like other people would expect me to say (and I can't even describe how good it felt when I decided to stop doing that), I felt slightly less scared of my future but still very unsure of where things were going, and I was still reasonably sure I would never have sex at any point in my life (but at least the sex drive went away so I didn't feel nearly as bad about it). Actually going through the process of transitioning made those things better, not taking hormones. What hormones did do was to make me less depressed, less anxious, and less dysphoric about my body. For a long time, they were the only thing that made my life tolerable, but when I finally decided "tolerable" wasn't good enough, that is when the big changes really started.

Hi Miyuki. Sorry when you say less depressed and anxious, do you mean depressed and anxious about your body?

I just feel that can't be he only thing for me. It's so difficult. Maybe it would help. But it could make it worse. Sometimes I think if I was just a man with a softer looking face and hadn't started going bald I wouldn't even be here right now. And yea it would be good if hormones helped me towards that and feel more comfortable about my body, but surely it can't be true that it works for everyone. I mean for example of you have a really male forehead and eye area, you are not going to look female without surgery. Hormones won't change your bone structure. And i actually have quite a feminine lower half of my face, I have soft skin, lips and a not too masculine jaw. But it's  my forehead that I loathe and detest when I look in the mirror and my balding head that makes me feel like I don't look like how I feel on the inside.  (Maybe I should say that I grew up always knowing I'd rather look female but the fact that I wasn't didn't bother me too much)I'd rather stay as I am now than have hormones change some stuff but those things and others remained the same. But if it had an impact on the things that I list above in my life then it might be worth it. Maybe even life saving.

[Miyuki]

Hi Miyuki. Sorry when you say less depressed and anxious, do you mean depressed and anxious about your body?

Yes, but in general too. HRT was the best antidepressant I ever tried. Something about male hormones just had a severe negative impact on my mental well being that I can't even describe. Being on HRT gave me a sense of inner peace that I had always been lacking.

I just feel that can't be he only thing for me. It's so difficult. Maybe it would help. But it could make it worse. Sometimes I think if I was just a man with a softer looking face and hadn't started going bald I wouldn't even be here right now. And yea it would be good if hormones helped me towards that and feel more comfortable about my body, but surely it can't be true that it works for everyone. I mean for example of you have a really male forehead and eye area, you are not going to look female without surgery. Hormones won't change your bone structure. And i actually have quite a feminine lower half of my face, I have soft skin, lips and a not too masculine jaw. But it's  my forehead that I loathe and detest when I look in the mirror and my balding head that makes me feel like I don't look like how I feel on the inside.  (Maybe I should say that I grew up always knowing I'd rather look female but the fact that I wasn't didn't bother me too much)I'd rather stay as I am now than have hormones change some stuff but those things and others remained the same. But if it had an impact on the things that I list above in my life then it might be worth it. Maybe even life saving.

Just between you and me, I hate my chin. I mean really hate it. It easily stands out as the most masculine feature of my face, and a prominent chin is almost as bad for passability as a prominent brow. But I still managed to pass after giving HRT enough time. Also, I hear they are doing some interesting things treating hair loss these days, and some new more effective treatments are right around the corner. I can only speak from personal experience and say that HRT did not help me get over most of my issues directly, but it helped me get to a place mentally where I was able to cope until I was able to confront them. I'm curious though, you said you tried HRT in a post I read earlier and got really upset by some of the effects. Did something happen to change your mind?

[Harley Quinn]

Hmmm...  Well, it did exactly what I thought it would for me.  Now, don't get me wrong... My hair was thinning fast too. I have the "M" and a bald spot on my crown. They make wigs for that... Not every girl can be a supermodel... It gives me a better sense of self. I am planning on full transition, and I have no interest in guys. Zero interest. Girls I do like... How that will play out, I do not know. I am hopeful of the future... There's someone out there for everyone. It generally happens when you least expect it. What you see in the mirror is 100% you. I'm no beauty queen, but I am much happier.

I can only speak for myself... will having a more feminine body make you happy?  For me, the answer was yes. From experience, I know that you will get asked about what's going on... or you'll have to up and let them know.  You'll need to be prepared. Friends, family, people on the street... It's the ultimate step forward in "putting yourself out there" so to speak. And with the hightened emotional swing that comes with it, you will want to be sure and have a good support system.  There is relief, but there's always a flip side to every mood. With hormones, they will be at a new level...

It'll be a soul search to find out what's right for you... I, like many others, have spent years deciding on what was right for me.

[orangejuice]

Yes, but in general too. HRT was the best antidepressant I ever tried. Something about male hormones just had a severe negative impact on my mental well being that I can't even describe. Being on HRT gave me a sense of inner peace that I had always been lacking.

Just between you and me, I hate my chin. I mean really hate it. It easily stands out as the most masculine feature of my face, and a prominent chin is almost as bad for passability as a prominent brow. But I still managed to pass after giving HRT enough time. Also, I hear they are doing some interesting things treating hair loss these days, and some new more effective treatments are right around the corner. I can only speak from personal experience and say that HRT did not help me get over most of my issues directly, but it helped me get to a place mentally where I was able to cope until I was able to confront them. I'm curious though, you said you tried HRT in a post I read earlier and got really upset by some of the effects. Did something happen to change your mind?

Ye if you were to read only some of my posts it would be confusing. My situation is pretty complicated. I've had a hard time even getting doctors to understand. I saw a private gender therapist and was prescribed a testosterone blocker. The truth is after a day or two I felt amazing. I sweat buckets in the smallest social interactions. It stopped that. I also feel fear and on edge in the smallest social interactions. It stopped that. I felt relaxed and like I was just me. I took a beta blocker about a year prior to that to see if it helped with social anxiety and I had this dream idea that it would suddenly make me calm in those situations. It didn't. Being on that testosterone blocker did. But it was only a few days, some of that could have been placebo effect, some of it could have been the huge amount of hope that I suddenly had that this medication was going to change something, whatever that meant. BUT then after 6 days I awoke in the night feeling so scarily bad, like I could lose consciousness, then followed weeks of chest pain, feeling like cardiovascular something wasn't working right, and other odd symptoms. I feel a lot better now nearly a year later but not normal. It felt like something went completely haywire in my body and it still hasn't fully recovered.

So yea that has almost been a separate issue to handle. I am still having all the same gender related feelings like I was before and trying to figure out what to do. I'm on a 4 months waiting list to see a gender therapist on the NHS (can't afford any more private) I had a hint that mentally a testosterone blocker helps me but then I had the physical stuff which I do wonder about. If I was wired to be female then should that have happened? Or was it a male wired brain and body completely rejecting what was happening. Who knows. Having it highlighted just how serious a change it is to your body has only made me feel I'd have to be 100% sure it was the right thing to do if I was ever to take a blocker or hormones again. And that is also not before getting some kind of medical advice about whether it would be a good idea given that reaction. I shod probably say to confuse me even more every Dr I saw diagnosed it as anxiety related symptoms. If that is the case they appeared out of the blue ( the physical symptoms) just at the exact time where I mentally felt better. I was very much of the opinion that blocking testosterone had caused some process in my body to crash. But I had some basic adrenal function tests done and nothing abnormal showed up. Do I somehow not know my own feelings and really I subconsciously felt bad on the testosterone blocker?  That is what an anxiety diagnosis would suggest ? And I am aware that by their very nature physical symptoms of anxiety are never identified as such by those experiencing them? Who the f knows.

That is my situation.  Bet you're glad you asked right?!

[Miyuki]

Hmm... well there are a number of different medications and dosages you can try for blocking testosterone. Maybe you had a bad reaction to the one you tried, but another would work without any side effects. If your brave enough to try again you might have better luck, but there are always risks with this kind of stuff...

One thing that I have definitely found about being transgender is that there is no one right approach to dealing with it. As it turns out, gender is pretty complex (which should not come as a surprise to anyone who visits here regularly ). Scientists sure seems to be having a hard time figuring it out. Figuring out what works best for dealing with gender dysphoria can be a very individual thing, and the answer isn't always as simple as transition or don't transition. I hope when you start working with a therapist they can help you figure out what works for you. One thing I can say for certain is, once you deal with the dysphoria, life does get better.