So, I've been coming out over the last couple of months talking to friends and telling them about being in therapy for gender dysphoria and considering transition. And it's all went really well. Obviously I am cherry-picking who I tell, but the worst response I've gotten is mild indifference. So I'm calling it a win. And I've been going out a lot more, including black Friday- later in the day, I'm not insane.
But I was growing more and more concerned about telling my mom. I was terrified of losing her. Over the last few years she has become my best friend. She is my rock. I keep telling myself all I need in this world is her and my dog Clutch. If I have them, I have everything I need, I can survive. So the thought of losing her was overwhelming.
Of course it wasn't always that way. I had a very rough childhood and she was a pretty terrible parent (by her own admission) she was an alcoholic and abusive and put me in abuse situations. One of those was when one of her dresses went missing when I was 13- I never figured she'd miss it, she never wore dresses. And she came into my room late at night and looked for them while I was asleep. I find that weird in retrospect but honestly she was probably drunk.
She looked in what I thought was my brilliant hiding space- under the mattress of my waterbed. She found everything I had. She immediately threw on the light and started screaming at me. She took off her shoe and started beating me, calling me a sick ->-bleeped-<-got. And I needed help. I was reduced to tears and agreed that I was and I did.
However, after all the years she has finally dealt with her past and apologized for the person she was and what she did to me. And I have been able to forgive her. And I am thankful for that, for the relationship we have now. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Which is why I was so scared to tell her.
But the need to find out what she'd say was overwhelming. For better or worse, I needed to know. And so I decided I had to tell her. She keeps my dog for me during the day, 3 days a week and on Mondays we have dinner together. So that day, Monday, I went over and practically chain smoked and kept downing beers trying to steel myself.
Finally I looked at her and said, "Remember when you said you love me no matter what?" "Yes." "I need you to remember that for the next few minutes."
I slowly started explaining that I had major gender issues, and I was never comfortable as a man...blah blah blah. Until I finally got to the crescendo that I was undergoing therapy and considering transition. I waited for the hellfire to come.
"Okay."
That crazy old bitch acted like I told her I was going to dye my hair. I couldn't believe it. She told me she loved me, I wouldn't lose her, she could take anything anyone said to her, and that she thought I'd make a beautiful woman. I cried. I was in shock.
I told her how I was happier as a girl and that people were so much nicer to her than to me. ANd I said, I won't use her name I don't want to make you uncomfortable. And she said no, what's the name. I told her, again no big reaction. I then said, I have pictures of April and you are welcome to see them when you are ready in your own time and place. And she said, okay I want to see them.
So I pulled out the iPad and gave it to her and she looked at some pics. She had stopped on one and was studying it and I told her that I knew I looked a little rough there. And she told me no, she was actually admiring my eyes and was wondering how I did it. She wound up having me do her makeup for our family photos we were getting through her church.
One month later and she is still okay, she said "I think I'm okay because I really already knew from when you were younger." She helps me with laundry while I am at work and I have started bringing over my April things. And she has even bought me some skin care stuff.
But this is the big thing. When I was young I fantasized about my mom giving me the present of a dress and it was her telling me it was okay and she understood. Obviously, that didn't happen. By accident I saw some of the things she's gotten me this year- including an adorable skater dress, a cute top, some makeup brushes and organizer, and a few other things. I was floored. I really wish I hadn't found out so I could have really been excited Christmas morning. It took 20 years, but my dream came true.
I know it's a long story, and most of you probably gave up on reading it. But I guess I share it because so often we hear about the bad coming out stories, the ones that end in tears and heartache and families and friends breaking apart. Condemnations and sometimes wishes of death. I know I was getting inundated with them. But I think it's important to hear the good stories too and remember that while we choose a difficult road, it doesn't have be a living nightmare of loneliness. There are people that will accept and encourage you. Even people you didn't think possible due to the past.
So just remember, not every coming out story has to be sad. Sometimes they can be amazing. Just remember, always lead with love.
