battling with accepting the girl in the mirror

[TG CLare]

Dear Amore;

It is always difficult for our friends and family to accept. I was involved with a very nice lady and now we are just platonic friends. While she is supportive, she still manages to twist the knife a little when she reminds me of how I stole our relationship with no thought to her feelings. If I had loved her she claims I could have kept myself bottled up inside. That sounds like your wife's position to a degree. She just does not understand that I couldn't fight with having two people inside of me any longer. No matter what, I just can't make her understand how I was inside even if she claims she understands.

You have a number of terrible choices to make. Live as a woman and risk losing everything. Live as a man and lose a lot of who you are. Not an enviable place my friend to be in. For me, I found that eventually I had to choose a path to follow and I took the one that I thought offered the least path of resistance. Turns out it was the hardest one but in retrospect, the only path I really could take.

You are very passable in my opinion. Wish I looked like you but I don't. Hmmm, isn't there another thread like that on here? (lol)

You say you say you were thinking of purging everything female. My advice is not to do it. Think of the cost of having to replace it and invariably you might have to do that. The cost would allow you to expand your wardrobe instead of just replacing it. If you must, put it in bags and stash it someplace until you know yourself better.

I wish you peace inside and luck. Stay with your therapist, ask questions here, listen to your heart. We have been where you are it's just the answer I found may not fit your situation as each of us is different yet we are the same.

Love,
Clare

[Amoré]

I actually had another breakdown last night I am fighting with being two people inside. Last night I just wanted to die I wanted to end all the suffering all the pain. My wife does not want me anymore and I love her so much to the point of obsession.

I want to stay a man for her and bottle it up and she doesn't want me. She says my brain is stronger and I am going to break down in 5 years and she haven't got the energy for it. I am begging her to give me a chance to proof myself if there is one person I wil sacrifice anything for it is my wife. Last night I tried to commit suicide because I don't want to live without them I can't see life without them. I drove on the highway today and I stopped next the road and contemplated walking in front of a truck and just end the suffering. I called the suicide hotline and try to pull myself out of it.

I really just want to end it all. I want to stop suffering for being trans lose my mind. It feels like I am living hell on earth at this stage!

[Chloëjade]

Would it surprise you i've been circling the toilet bowl since a bad flush 10 years ago? I broke up with my girl friend who i loved to death. She'd know for years i was a cross dresser and she was never "All right with it". Hell i still love her to death. And i am suicidal about it and my life being in the closet about my gender every day. But i refuse to end it. I want to be me and to hell with every one else. She even says she's okay with now, which don't explain why she shouts in walmart about what i want her to get me or why she's tried to break my stuff . I do hope you find your inner strength and make it through hun, i really do. The world would be a sadder place with out you

[Eva Marie]

Amoré-

Please don't harm yourself - what you are going through - although it is heart wrenching and awful - is survivable. There is a better life on the other side I promise.

Where you are now is smack in the middle, and thats the worst place to be. I can tell from what you wrote that you are vacillating back and forth between living as the old you and living as the authentic you - thats the authentic you fighting to emerge and live.

It sounds very much as if you are a transsexual - if so, the gender dysphoria will only get worse and worse. Many of us have been down this same road, holding on to a life thats not real, trying to be a certain someone to somebody. Some of us can live that way but most can't - I think judging from what you have said that if you continue to "hold the line" it will eventually wipe you out.

Your wife does not and cannot understand this - she doesn't have the condition and it seems foreign and strange to her. This is a condition that you were born with - you did not choose this - it is a birth defect, a medical condition that requires treatment. Like any other medical condition that is left untreated it will only get worse. The treatment for this condition is to realign the body with the brain.

I feel your pain of trying to hold it all together - I was married for 27 years to my soulmate, but my ex could not deal with the authentic me and in spite of me trying to hold it all together she split. Your wife knows about the authentic you and try as you might that genie is not going back into the bottle. She knows enough about the authentic you that her perception of you is different than it was before and it will continue to be different. She is reacting to her own pain by lashing out at you.

You have an advantage of already looking like any average girl on the street right now with the short amount of time that you have been on HRT. That will only help your transition.

Don't throw away your stuff - if necessary put it away. Getting rid of your stuff won't fix how you are feeling. This is very a common thing within the community and most regret doing it later.

What you are going through is scary and is full of unknowns. As you said - you haven't yet gotten to a point of accepting the girl in the mirror. She is the authentic you. Please work with your therapist to find the way forward, and try not to fear what lies ahead for you. Yes, it will be hard and challenging, but you can and will get through this.

Speaking as someone that has made a large part of the journey - living an authentic life and shedding the old life's baggage is simply wonderful and IMO it's worth the price of admission. It won't fix all of the problems in your life but it will fix the big one and will allow you to move forward in life.

As far as friends and family go - some people will make the journey with you and some will choose not to - you can't control that. You will find that being an authentic you will draw new friends to you - it did for me.

And we are here for you if you need to vent or ask questions 

[WorkingOnThomas]

I threw my stuff out. On several occasions. All to be with someone I loved. And I promised myself, each and every time I did it, that that was it. I wasn't going to be 'Thomas' anymore. I was going to be and act like a 'normal' person. And in the end, it was a promise that I couldn't keep. I don't know, maybe you'll be able to do it. I couldn't. And I did think about killing myself, tried it even, made plans to succeed the following time, and I'm glad that I didn't. I'm with someone now who accepts me for me, and doesn't make any demands that I change for her, or suppress who I really am for her. I hope everything works out for you, one way or another, but don't lose the chance at a better future by giving up.

[Amoré]

I don't know this is my first true love of my life. I had the episode as a teenager and saw a therapist that said it was just a phase. I bottled it from there when I met her and I told her that I got identity issues but she denies it today. She sayd she wanted me to be a man and I did not want to. I fighted my authentic self of and bottled her after coming out a year back but she poked out her head time and again especially when times got tough and I stressed a lot then I battled to keep her at bay.

I don't know if I can keep that part of me bottled my wife says it is too strong and it will consume me. I haven't got a choice anymore because she want to divorce and I want to rescue the marriage. It just feels if I can't life without her. She was the one that kept me at bay with gd and depression all this time.

[TG CLare]

Amore. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything right for you, even at sacrificing myself but I can't as much as I want to.

I know just the pain you feel inside. I was in pretty much the same place with 2 genders fighting in my head. There are many others here in your shoes too. My friend, right now it does look very dark and the roads ahead is so uncertain but eventually, you will find a way to be happy.

I feel your wife is correct. Sooner or later these feelings will come back. Mine did. I had them bottled up for ages and eventually they won out. I wonder at times if I had the direct influence of a woman in my life I might be different today but somehow I doubt it. Maybe not now but sometime in the future again and then where would I be?

Enough of me. It's you who is important here.

Stay with your therapist. Maybe your wife and you can go together? I know the feelings of not being able to survive without the other in your life. Lord knows I've been there many times myself and broke my heart to bits over a woman. It feels like it won't ever heal but it does. Maybe not as good but it does heal, trust me.

Right now I feel you are in a very vulnerable position. Listen to what the people on here say. They have some excellent advice, far better than what I can offer.

Life will go on, Amore. It will seem like hell and no bones about it, but you are a valuable person to us here and we care. Don't develop a tunnel vision when you get down. There are a lot of resources available to you.

Sometimes when you do surrender to your inner self, all the problems seem to be easier. I found that out. It hasn't been easy but I couldn't see myself living like I was again.

Love,
Clare

[gennee]

Hi Amore. If someone told me that you are male I wouldn't believe them. I love your avatar. I know the feeling of having two people inside. It was quite a battle for a year. When I had to choose I knew that I wasn't going to go back.  Moving ahead is scary because you're going to unchartered waters. My wife was shocked  when I told her that I'm was a cross dresser. It took a lot of time and patience but now she supports me 100%. 

I'm sorry about your marriage. Living in limbo is pure hell also. You have to do what will make you happy plus improve the quality of your life. Yes, there will rough patches but that part of the growth you will experience. I wish you the best in the future. Please keep us posted on your progress.

Remember, you're not alone.

 

[Amoré]

I feel your wife is correct. Sooner or later these feelings will come back.

This is what happened she gave me a chance about 2 months ago I left my hormones and as soon as the hormones started working out of my system gender dysphoria hit hard. I was broken for giving up being a woman and not being able to transition I handled it very stupid and sat crying for 3 days she said she have not got time for this crap anymore and I am just going to lose my mind in the future.

I am stopping my hrt from today again to see if the same thing is going to happen when everything is returning to normal in my system and my natural hormones take over.

I just don't know I want to be a certain person for her because I love her that much I will change myself for her and give up everything!

[Amoré]

I just don't know how to get over the anger and hurt and feeling betrayed.
I can imagine she feels hurt anger and betrayed also but is divorce the answer.

I feel lost without her and feel if no one else will be able to give me what we had together. I wish dysphoria never entered my life. It is only making me miserable. It is making me so majorly depressed and I am only able to see my therapist on monday. I don't know how I am going to last that long without breaking down again. If I could choose I would kill of my transgender identity.

[Qrachel]

Hi Amore:

It's Rachel again here . . . I'm keeping up with your posts.  Plus, as I try to always say here, keep talking to us.

I've nothing to add that hasn't been covered, except to say many of us have been down the path you are on.  Many, many of us now have lives we love and live them fully.  You can have that too; it takes time and there are bumps in the road, some big ones but you can get past this.

One thing to add . . . it probably is a bad idea to play with HRT.  Given who you are, perhaps you ought to get on your meds and stay on them . . . it's your life but just saying.

Take care and I think of you often,

Rachel

[Rp1713]

I don't think you have to beat yourself up so much. I'm sort of just starting out with all of this, but the changes I've been making have felt good. But I know for certain that I am not ready for a full transition or if I ever will be. I think that it's okay for you to want or feel like a man some days and a woman others... Maybe you're a little bit of both. Don't put yourself in a box. Be what is most comfortable for your self at any given time. Just know that when you're true to yourself is when you'll feel the best in your own skin. I've haven't come out to anyone but my girlfriend, who has been very supportive, so I'm unfamiliar with the loss of friends and family, but I know it may come at some point. Just know that it seems like you have a lot of people here who know what you're going through. I know I tried to convince myself for years I had to be the strong man society told me I was supposed to be, and I am not starting to realize that's not the case. Just because you don't feel strong in every single moment, doesn't mean you're weak. We all have good and bad days, months even years. You'll find your true self in time.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AnahBear95]

That's a wonderful picture! I wish I was more like that!

[michelle]

If your wife wants a divorce, she will find a reason to justify that divorce whatever you do.   She will make herself right and you wrong, but in the end, it may still end up at the same place.   That is what happened to me.   I was emotionally dependent upon my wife and we had 5 kids.    I lived for the family,  but she lived for herself.   I kept myself bottled up, moved over a thousand miles from my birth family for her to find work.   She took that attitude that our life together was crap and everything that I did for the family and her out of my love for them, I really didn't have to.   The family had to be in her image, and the rest of us really didn't count.    If your wife, loves you, and your family is a shared effort you will work something out.   However if your marriage is all about your wife, or all about you it will just fall apart anyway even if you return to your butch self.   You are either partners in life or you are not.

[Amoré]

If your wife wants a divorce, she will find a reason to justify that divorce whatever you do.   She will make herself right and you wrong, but in the end, it may still end up at the same place.

This is a thing that is happening to me at this moment no matter what I try she keeps on finding reasons to justify her divorce. She keeps bringing up things from the past and that when she wanted me to stay a man I did not want to. I was at a really bad place with gd at that stage I know it is a bad excuse but it was sort of at a peak.

I can't say anything then I am trying to brainwash her. She told me she is now living for herself and her child that is my child also and that they don't need me. I am only a bad influence on the house and that the house is unstable with me in it.

Normally we where a team but from that she went to her therapist she started drifting away from me she became selfish and started living only for herself. What sort of therapist destroys a marriage? I wanted to live for her stay a man for her and want to be a father for my child and be a family. I love them to bits but today I am sitting with a broken heart because she is not giving me that option anymore. Then she want to come and ask why if I live for myself do I want to be a woman?

I can't understand this if you are telling me you are living for yourself now and you don't need me to be happy why do you tell me I am selfish if I transition? This is contradictory in so many ways! Is she not the selfish one then expecting me to stay unhappy for the rest of my life then if she took away the only other thing that I lived for that made me happy? Is she not selfish for not thinking about her me and what I would like to give her. Then she is bullying me into staying a man making me feel guilty for transitioning because what emotional effect it will have on them.

Believe me and I think it will be the case for everyone here we would not do it if we did not have to. If I must be selfish and live for myself then why am I not allowed to transition then and be happy? I am getting suicidal because of the person that I love taking away what I used to live for and then being selfish for being the authentic me so I can't please anybody no matter what I do. I am very bad in doing things for myself I am a care taker and people pleaser

Last night I was sitting in my old house that we used to stay in and I was drunk the house was empty no furniture as the people that rented moved out.I am not a drinker. This was the house that I came out in and it is the house that we fought for nights at end. But all the happy memories is hanging in there also. I just wanted to kill of the pain. I just wanted to end it all. I am sorry guys for being so honest. I am going through hell at this stage and my depression is killing me I don't know how I am going to live without them they are my world.I am scared of myself at this stage.

I want to thank you guys for all your support it is good to know I have friends that understand me and what I am going through.

[MemphisMickey]

When I first clicked on your post Amoray, I thought female, just from your avatar. And then I read that you're only 4 months into HRT and I got really jealous. But only for a moment. I know it is rough going through this divorce. I also agree with the others when they say the GD will just come back. We can fight it down for a bit. And then it comes back. Stronger each time. I finally gave in. I am happy now living as me.

Please do not hurt yourself. Suicide only ends the pain for us. At the same time it causes great pain for those that we leave behind. http://www.translifeline.org/ is staffed by trans people, for trans people. They have toll free numbers for the USA and Canada. US: (877) 565-8860  Canada: (877) 330-6366 Make the call. Don't hurt yourself. Way too many transgender people opt out and we really need to bring those numbers down. Help us do that please. *hugs*

[Amoré]

They have toll free numbers for the USA and Canada. US: (877) 565-8860  Canada: (877) 330-6366 Make the call.

I wish I was in the USA or Canada I am from South Africa unfortunately

[Cindy]

Dear Amore'

I have been following your posts and I do worry about you.

There is a point where everything is just so damn hard. Our family rejects us. Our loved ones reject us. And the pain is overbearing.

We have so much to lose and sometimes that loss seems insurmountable.

We feel we have hurt so may; how can we?

We don't deserve to live; lets end it.

I'll never be accepted as me.

When we look at those points they seem so overwhelming; how can anyone argue?

Well we can. I can and I shall.

I was at your point about four years ago.

I was a rather ugly very depressed grey haired old man, with a wife who had suffered a devastating accident, totally paralysed, a job I couldn't lose (I had to pay her nursing home fees) and friendless.

Suicidal and depressed. Drinking heavily and nothing to live for but pain.

Somehow and with help from here I kept going and transitioned.

In front of the carers at the nursing home I transitioned, still visiting my wife every day I could. I kept going at work and my sheer resolve turned people.

No one dared face my pain. No one could put themselves where I was. It made me strong.

I had friends suicide.

Their pain hadn't gone; they transferred it to me.

How could they do that to me?

How could you possibly hurt your family here in that way?

We would light a candle and remember you; but the candle is inside us and burns, searing our hearts.

You would do that to us?

Your problems are not insurmountable; yes, your path is hard. Your choices are hard.

But you have a lot going for you. You are young, intelligent, loved. Wanted.

I think it is time we put away our negative thoughts and reached for the positive.

You are a lovely young woman, who needs some help to deal with her options.

Your option is life and how to deal with it.

And you can.

And you will be happy.

Cindy

[Amoré]

Dear Amore'



There is a point where everything is just so damn hard. Our family rejects us. Our loved ones reject us. And the pain is overbearing.

We have so much to lose and sometimes that loss seems insurmountable.

We feel we have hurt so may; how can we?

We don't deserve to live; lets end it.

I wish I could find an easier way out of the hole that I am in now. I am trying to look for positive things in my life. I am trying to see the good in transitioning except for calming the noise down. I still have to learn to know the real me. How can I replace them in my life by being my authentic self. It hurts like nothing I ever felt before losing them. I don't know how I am going to let go.

I will never hurt them in my life I feel sometimes that they deserve better than me. That I could not give them enough of myself because I had to keep so much bottled up. I was so afraid of showing affection towards my own child at a stage because of the image of what I created that men are hard and crap.

I think maybe I would have felt different about being trans if I did not have them. I would not have had this struggle and just wanted to bring the authentic me to life be the girl that I felt I am.

I would not have lived as a man and created a life as one and lived as one and then hit a hard reset with all the pain. I am just going through the baddest dip that I had ever in my life.

[Cindy]

Are you hurting them, or are you hurting you?

Whose pain is important? Who is it important too?

You have issues about moving forward because you don't want to leave the past.
The past has gone. That is why it is called the past.

I'm so sorry but there is a way forward.

It is being you.