I think sometimes that our subconscious takes over. In our core we know what gender we are, even if our frontal lobes may not be fully accepting as yet. So we live in a sort of dreamland with no interests, and, in a way hiding from ourselves.
I certainly recall my years of lethargy, disinterest, unable to focus even on things I enjoyed. I wasn't particularly bullied, I was mainly ignored (I later found out that many of my colleagues were deeply sorry for me, unable to help, not knowing what my pain was).
When I accepted in my id that I was a woman and not a man tying to survive in a world I didn't belong in, then life did change.
It wasn't immediate, but it was quite rapid. The world took on a different colour, interest in things developed and intrigued me. I wanted to participate and slowly I did. As I transitioned my colleagues noticed more the spark of life that grew in me, far more than any physical changes (as we know they are slow, and often unnoticed by others at first).
Life took on a meaning, one I had not realised that I was missing; for me that was an intense desire to help others, an interest in Art and music. A feeling of wanting to create - to participate in life.
My new friends and my colleagues saw this, and mentioned something I was not aware of. It was summarised by a woman I once employed and I met her post transition. She held my hands and looked at me, and just said; 'The pain in your eyes has gone, you were in so much pain and I did not know how to reach you.'
Yes, things change. Life becomes wonderful; no I will not mitigate against the struggles, the tears, the self doubt. But I slowly realised that I could look in the mirror and I truely loved being the woman who looked back at me. He could never do that.
So yes, life will change and be worthwhile, the horror diminishes as we take our path in the world. It goes as we accept being the man or woman we truely are.
Cindy
