When I was little, I recall behaving in a feminine way. I now realize it was because of the gender roles society had imposed on me from day 1. My mom, being strictly conservative, of course, forced gender roles down my throat. However, I realized pretty early on that I was different. I liked some feminine things, such as barbies, I'll admit, but most of the time I found myself playing in the dirt or playing with bugs. I was always in the company of boys. I even went through a phase in fourth grade where I wore boys clothes. I thought of them as the most comfortable, coolest thing in the world. However, I started dressing girly and wearing makeup as early as fifth grade, so I could fit in. I was unhappy though, and I felt like putting on makeup was a chore. I had a lot of behavioral issues during middle school, and I grew more and more unhappy with myself. Then high school hit, and I was trying so hard to fit in... But I just wasn't feeling it. I hated shaving, wearing makeup and girly things, and I was also angry that I had a chest. I wasn't quite sure where these feelings were coming from, until I came across the movie, "Boys Don't Cry." I watched it, and was shocked about how closely I related with Brandon. I had never even come across the term transgendered, due to growing up in a very conservative household, and had no idea that I could possibly be trans until then. I did a lot of self-searching, as well as research before I came to the full realization that I was in fact, transgendered. I could then put a name to the feeling of disgust with my body, especially my chest: dysphoria. After building up a lot of courage, I wrote a letter to my dad, coming out to him as transgendered. He didn't take it well, to say the least. He thought it was a joke and I had been impressioned by someone. I called my mom in a flurry of tears, and told her what I'd done, and she said she didn't think it was true. Thankfully, with time, my dad began to open up more to the idea of me being transgendered. My mom on the other hand, tried to force religion down my throat and said it was wrong. She finally got to me, and after about nine months of living openly as a transgendered male, I went back to being female for her sake. Since then, I've flip-flopped around in the gender spectrum. Now, my mom thinks that since I've come back out as transgendered, and am 100% sure this time that this is who I am, that this is just a phase because of the confusion I've had over the past few years. she also thinks she can somehow talk me out of transitioning, and now that she's realized that she can't, she's decided that she's throwing me out of her house the very day I turn 18. I don't know where I'm going to go... but I do know that I have an appointment line up with a endocrinologist shortly thereafter my birthday, so if I can make it past then, then I'll finally be able to start HRT. I'm terrified though, because my mom might make me quit my job before then because she still has control over me for the next five months until I'm no longer a minor. If I have to quit, I'll have no means of supporting myself, and i won't be able to afford a place to stay, let alone HRT. I feel like crying right now, honestly...
