I've heard transgender described as being similar to a train ride. You're on the train but you can get off at various stops to see how you like it, then get back on the train ride to another stop and so on. Or you can stay on the train all the way to the last station. Many years ago I got off at one of the stops and said for now I'm not going any farther. There were several things involved including the possibility of losing a very good job and family matters. Over the years there were always financial or other issues and I kept saying there's a future. There is a future.
About a week before I came back here to Susan's, I had sort of a breakdown. I was sitting in the living room and I started thinking which is always dangerous for me. In the late 90's and early 2000's I was fairly active in the transgender community. As a staff member of Southern Comfort Conference, I knew people from all over the U.S. and some other countries plus I was pretty tied in to the Atlanta community. So fast forward to about five weeks ago. As I said, I was thinking and several things hit me at once. After over eight years of being a caregiver for my mom with dementia and my brother with disabilities, I had three transgender friends left and only one of those was someone I could call up, say "Hey girl" and gossip for an hour. That realization along with it crashing in on me, at my age, there's no future. There is no future. Well that started the waterworks and I've had bouts of crying as late as yesterday afternoon. I was watching TV, not even a tear jerker...it was a western, and all of a sudden I'm crying. I know some of my emotional state is caused by very low T levels and probably some by chronic pain but the gender dysphoria is whipping up on me pretty good. It's the last thing I'm thinking about at night and the first thing I'm thinking about in the morning. During the day I'm probably thinking about it as often as a teen boy thinks about sex. So I've got an appointment with Erin in two weeks. I've seen Erin before when I was having some emotional problems that turned out to be related to quitting smoking with Chantix (before they told you it had side effects). And I had seen her even before that in pastoral counseling when she was still at our church. But this is the first time I will be seeing her professionally for gender issues. I guess us knowing each other for over 15 years is a good thing? We don't have to do any get to know you talking and can go straight to the issues. I don't know what's going to happen but I do know two things. I'm terrified and I'm too old to be jumping though any artificial hoops. At least there is one positive. My wife said, "You do what you have to do and we'll cope."
Well, if you made it this far, sorry for crying on your shoulder. I just had to write some of this down or start screaming.
Bev
