I wonder if I'm just destined to live a not so long life, or am I lucky that I've made it this far?
- I'm bi-racial (hispanic and asian), and I don't fit in into either racial group (and look like neither), thus I have no racial identity and contact (I don't have white privilege and I don't have the help that a racial minority would normally get from a racial community.)
- I have inadequate social skills, in large part because I couldn't fit in and thus develop the confidence needed. I envied the people with brilliant social skills. Nowadays, social skills are important even to find a job, due to jobs now being more team oriented and service oriented.
- I don't have a consistent gender identity and sexual orientation. The closest thing I am now is non-binary, but that goes from being ok being non binary to really wishing to be female to not wanting to give up my "male privileges" and being ok with being male (but still not wanting to have sex.) My sexual orientation goes from being attracted to women to being attracted to guys, although I really only want to have sex as a woman (but at times also desire having a romantic relationship with a woman as a male.)
- My gender and sexual orientation issues make it very hard for me to make friends, nearly impossible to have a romantic relationship, and to build any foundation for my life. In addition, I have loneliness issues (obviously) and I really can't talk intimately to anyone.
- I don't even fit into interest groups. In part because of my gender issues, and also because I don't fit into the less gendered ones (like geek or counter-cultures.) Maybe I don't have a sense of conformity?
- In addition, I have to worry about my mom, who raised me and my sister but didn't do paid work for 20 years and thus has no retirement (she's in her 60s). She's an immigrant and doesn't even have a high school diploma (because it wasn't required to get a job decades ago.) She's only supported by the sympathy of my dad (her ex-husband) but he's shown signs that he doesn't want to do it for much longer. My sister also seems to have a weak position in being able to get a paid job and lives with my mom. Seeing my mom suffer would hurt me and make me feel like foregoing my interests and focus on my life to help her.
On the other hand, I may be lucky in a way because:
- I have photography talent, which has helped me a lot in making money (but is by no means a dependable career.)
- I'm not poor and I grew up in basically a lower-middle class setting, so I didn't have the misfortune of growing up in a poor family and in a poor part of town (which would make going up to a decent place in the economic ladder a helluva lot harder.)
However, even though I have a little bit of luck, I'm emotionally and socially crushed. I may be able to physically survive but what does it mean if all the other parts of my life are crushed? There may be some satisfaction at times like feeling like an alien, but at other times it feels like I wasn't meant to be on earth. I mean, if what I'm going through happened to someone else, would they go crazy or feel like ending it all?
