Tried coming out, didn't work as planned

[kittytessapuppy]

So, I'm tri-gendered, male, female, and androgynous, but when I tried explaining this to my mom, she just shrugged and said she always knew I was a tomboy. But I don't think being a "tomboy" is quite the same thing. How do I properly explain this to her, if I don't fully understand it myself?

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[kittytessapuppy]

So, 79 reads, and no one could be bothered writing a response of some sort? Wow, I guess that shows me to try asking for help on the net.

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[Skylar1992]

Thats a bit of a petty attitude to have, and if like me, people have no idea what ''Tri-gendered'' is or know anything about it then we cant really help.  I think Gender fluid is probably a more understandable way of saying it.

As for your mother not understanding, well, at least she didn't freak out or something right? She acknowledged that she see's you as a tomboy which covers the male / female part and also actually covers pretty much the androgynous part too when you think about it. Really wouldn't get myself worked up over her not throwing a party over it.

[Dena]

The non binary aren't as strongly represented here as the binary so the thread sometimes die without activity. I am binary as a post surgical transsexual and find the fluid a bit confusing as well. I think the best way to explain it would you are not strongly feminine and not strongly masculine and are a mix of both. You might want to stay away from the androgynous. That would be even harder for her to understand. Also explain that what your are doesn't have a common definition and needs a new description to describe. Over time she may come to understand but she will have to make a real effort instead of fitting you into a framework she understands.

[Laura_7]

Well you might say there is a spectrum... between male and female... ( and some people are even beyond that... )
So you feel like you are on various points of that spectrum at different times...
and androgynous literally means both man and woman...


*hugs*

[RobynD]

I have seen the spectrum explanation resonate with several people. Because they know of tomboys and feminine men (ok in a way over-simplified way) they can see idea of a spectrum. That self-discovery thing takes time for sure. Hang around here, there is a lot to be learned on this site from people that have been through the same or very similar things.

[Elis]

Hey, I'm sort of nb myself and can understand why it's a hard thing to understand. There are loads of articles online now about being nb you can show her (and even if that isn't something you quite identify with it still may be helpful). Your mum needs to understand that you being masculine isn't all about gender expression but more about how you feel partly a man inside but also partly female and other, and that's just how your brain is wired.

And to skylar, I know you were trying to help but being labelled a tomboy and being accepted as that is not the same as being accepted as your true gender identity. That would be like you being expected to be happy about being accepted as a feminine man when your true gender identity is that of a woman.

[Ms Grace]

I suggest you have a think about it and write out what you feel being trigender means for you. You are right when you say if you don't fully understand yourself then you won't be able to explain it to others let alone give people an opportunity to understand what it means for you.

[Katiepie]

 I did a ton of research before I did cone out to anyone. It helped me gain a grasp of how to say certain things. Or what words to basically make use of what I would be feeling that I am not in the general right gender that I was.
Just also be wary that a lot of others don't know too much either, so they would tend to say things such as tomboy, to place a word they would know with something they don't know too well.
Best thing to do is do a little bit of digging through this site, and maybe take a little bit of time to where someone will have other information that they can bring you.

Otherwise the views do come up from visitors to the site itself, or if someone may not have information that would benefit you or even those who are looking for the same answers are looking in here too. Just please be a little patient, and soon enough the answers will show up

Kate <3

[sparrow]

Hello, person!

I'm nonbinary too, and (bi/tri/pan)gender?  I kinda think of my gender as "adrift."  I'm in boymode today.  That ended up being super convenient, but I kinda hate boymode because it always begins with a day or two of this awful shameful feeling: boymode has unresolved internalize transphobia.  While that is one reason that I dislike being in boymode, I don't really get to do that work 'cause I don't spend much time in this head space.

Gender is weird.  It's really hard to describe this stuff to people.  I agree with ms grace wholeheartedly... write.  Write lots, and write to share with your mom.  You'll learn a lot, and she'll learn a lot.

I'd like to point out that "tomboy" is the 'sub'-gender marker that has been used in the past to describe gender nonconforming people who were assigned female (I've adopted it to describe myself, despite being assigned male).  In a sense, your mom is kinda right.  It sounds like she might be supportive, but she doesn't know how to be.  Maybe this can help?  https://community.pflag.org/document.doc?id=904

[kittytessapuppy]

Sorry for my rudeness earlier, I was having a difficult time, I'd gotten into a fight with my step-dad. Anyways, thanks for all the responses, one thing I thought I should mention though, I thought androgynous was the state of possibility for being either make or female, not literally being both, which, I thought, was termed hermaphrodite. Please correct me if I'm incorrect here. Anyways, the real problem here isn't that she's trying to fit me into a box, it's that she is purposely misunderstanding me. She seems to think that I'm not transgender, I'm just 'going through a phase' or that I'm just a 'girl who likes to wear pants and men's styles'. She doesn't want me to be transgender because my grandmother is extremely, um, shall we say, set in her ways? Everyone is afraid to tell her my cousin is Lesbian, because they figure she'll freak out and disown her.

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[kittytessapuppy]

Oh, and another thing... I also did a bit of research, our human genders are not the only gender systems or there. Just because humans physically have two genders does not mean that there are only two genders in existence. For example, I remember reading that some species have three genders and some even have an undetermined amount, meaning, they have so many we can't count them all. And worms are hermaphrodites, they are also capable of mating with themselves.

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[Elis]

I think androgynous can mean either deoending on the person, although I admit it's complicated.  It's like how nb can now either mean you're gender queer, agender, trigender or maybe something else. Hermaphrodite is an old fashioned word for someone born intersex; meaning a person is born with male and female parts basically. It's now considered an offensive term.
It's interesting that you mention animals having different genders other than male and female. I've never thought about it but I guess it must be true for other mammals and apes/monkeys. I truly believe that our brains can be wired to be many different genders. But we are in the infancy of being able to scan and study how our brains work in detail. And are just now realising that our genders are wired into us prenatal and had not much or anything to do with socialisation after being born.

[Lady Smith]

I'm intersex and identify as non-binary so I can understand how you feel about others not understanding your identity.  If I'd seen your post earlier I would have replied though because I have narcolepsy I find myself not replying to a good many topics these day.
Most people find it difficult to understand difference when it lies outside their own life experience and sense of self identity so don't be too hard on your Mum for not 'getting it' right away.  The most important thing is for you to live your life in an authentic manner that makes you happy and at ease with yourself.  I transitioned 25 years ago and so I can tell you quite honestly that people 'not getting it' will become a part of your life until the day you die.

[Laura_7]

This might help:
http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions/

Androgyny: (1) a gender expression that has elements of both masculinity and femininity;
(2) occasionally used in place of "intersex" to describe a person with both female and male anatomy

Hermaphrodite: an outdated medical term used to describe someone who is intersex; not used today as it is considered to be medically stigmatizing, and also misleading as it means a person who is 100% male and female, a biological impossibility for humans

(I would disagree with the impossibility)
(also keep in mind those definitions are not fixed. It can mean different things for different people.)

Concerning non binary this might help:
http://gender.wikia.com/wiki/Non-binary


hugs

[Dayta]

she just shrugged and said she always knew I was a tomboy.

It may not seem like it, but you're pretty lucky if you got a shrug, lots of people get strikingly different reactions from their parents.  One way to think about it is that this is her way to understand or accept what you're trying to tell her.  I know you want her to understand it in the same way that you do, but we don't get to choose how other people feel, or how they understand. 

We as humans seem to like to classify people into all sorts of categories, so we can quickly and easily sort them and decide how to treat them.  Putting a name to what it is that you feel may help you to find others who share your feelings, your yearnings.  That's good.  Assigning yourself to the androgyne group and then striving to be a better androgyne is not useful or healthy. 

I am trying to understand what my gender identity is, so my gender expression can be authentic.  Not necessarily more masculine, more feminine, more ambiguous, but just more ME. 

[kittytessapuppy]

Everything you ask have said is true, though I should probably give you a bit of my own story here for easier understanding. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was three, I am very systematic and I understand things better, myself, when they can be given a name, preferably a simple one. Complex names and theories tend to confuse me. Also, I have narcolepsy too, so don't feel bad about missing posts xd. I tend to sleep a lot more than I should, and even then I find myself falling asleep in the day.

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