Just wondering

[Crazy4him/her]

First off...hello and thank you for the wonderful advice I will get here!  some background on me and my situation.  Met the "man" of my dreams two years ago. Literally everything I wanted in a man. We started off as just friends while we both went through divorce and then it blossomed into an amazing love after that. Once in love the sexual intimacy was off the chain so to speak.  He mentioned to me that he liked to Dress in women's clothing sometimes for sexual play.  We agreed to have our first girl/girl date and it was fun. Since then the need to dress got more and more and more frequent. He told me at first that it was just a sexual turn on thing. His obsession with pornography was very shocking to me...lesbian movies and transexual movies being his favorite...every day...every day we had porn on the TV and everyday we had some kind of sexual encounter.  His personality is a very addictive type.  He was addicted to sex with me...which was awesome!

He continues to watch trans movies ...mainly on the internet in the middle of the night...as well as when we have sex.  He is also addicted to the thought of transition and addicted to buying girl things. I love being supportive to him but it's exhausting looking at makeup and jewelry and clothes everywhere we go...all the time. 

I always told him that I will support him.  At first it was "I support you as long as I still have my "man" some of the times."  Then with the thought of never wanting to be without him, it turned into "I will support you regardless". Now he is seeing a therapist that is not a specialist in this field and he is talking about hormones.  I am not going to lie...I am terrified.  He has always told me that no matter what he wears he is still the same person I fell in love with...and I do agree.  However, I feel that hormones will make him FEEL more like a woman and I am so scared that the attraction between us will fade.  He is my manly hero that takes care of me...something I have never had before. Something I love with all my heart. I am scared that hormones will make him want men...I am scared that we won't have sex and intimacy after hormones. I am scared that I am losing the love of my life. I want to be his forever and he wants the same and we are middle aged.

I truly feel like his attraction to women's things is mainly sexual. He gets aroused at blouses and nail polish. Every night when he dresses ... We have sex. I am scared that he doesn't want to really BE a woman but is confused and rushing into hormones. Why can't we just continue to have this relationship the way it is... We have ALOT of fun...but I still get my man. He doesn't appear to hate his manhood. But I know that could be an act and I am just being WAY too selfish.

So I guess I am wondering... Is your SO obsessed with girl things or transition? Are you able to keep the intimacy after hormones?  What do you do for YOURSELF to keep everything emotionally stable...or is there such a thing? 

Thank  you for listening.

[Ms Grace]

Hi, welcome to forum.
I hope your partner is able to see a gender therapist to get some insight into their issues. At first blush it sounds like they may have highly fetishised aspects of femininity, that doesn't necessarily mean they are not trans but it may pose issues around their internalised self image and sex drive. Also, HRT generally reduces sex drive and diminishes libido so they may find a decrease in sexual activity were they to start hormones.

Please refrain from using "->-bleeped-<-", a lot of trans people find the term very offensive.

[Crazy4him/her]

Thank you so very much and I am extremely apologetic for the verbiage. I am still learning. I am scared too that is more of a fetish for him.

I will try to edit my post now. Again...I am so very sorry!!

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Crazy-for-the-person

You're in a situation with many challenges, and there are probably no simple easy answers about to jump out at you.  Please permit me to recast your final question, and offer you a possible alternative view of your situation.

It is sometimes hard, even for the person themself, to clearly distinguish and be able to identify the reasons behind wanting to dress or be more feminine.  Often it's a mix of things, including fetish, identity, perhaps the liberation of being "someone else" for a while - who can tell? 

I truly truly understand your feelings of insecurity and frustration.  Even if you do establish limits, when might these be tested, and how would you react? Again, it's hard to tell, I guess.

Perhaps the most positive thing is to deal with all of the spoken and unspoken issues.  Nobody can advocate a course of action except the two of you, and I guess you are feeling that if you open the lid fully, you'll have no idea what kind of genie might spring out.   Yes, if the person you fell in love with was a man, there is a big question whether you would have the same intimacy on any number of levels if he was something else.   Although I am (now) a hetero woman, I truly believe that intimacy between two women is far stronger than that of other gender combinations.   Just my feeling...

If you think you can manage this, may I suggest that you do open the lid fully, knowing that it might take you on a weird and wonderful journey.  So many of us live our lives scared of the consequences of possible actions, or of what society might say, or of what we truly might think or do if we liberated our minds.  I'm not saying that reckless abandon is the way forward, but you might have the journey of your life, full of the richness of uncommon experiences.    Perhaps start by seeing the right type of therapist, together, and gradually explore what you both have and want from your relationship and your lives.

Julia

[JoanneB]

Hi, welcome to forum.
I hope your partner is able to see a gender therapist to get some insight into their issues. At first blush it sounds like they may have highly fetishised aspects of femininity, that doesn't necessarily mean they are not trans but it may pose issues around their internalised self image and sex drive. Also, HRT generally reduces sex drive and diminishes libido so they may find a decrease in sexual activity were they to start hormones.

Ms Grace hit the nail on the head. Many of us have started with fetishtic phase and moved forward from there. But it is all too easy these days to get a transsexual label. TBH - IMO No one in their right mind wants to be trans. Unfortunately we don't get to choose what we are, only what we do to try to manage it.

I have been to both a generalist and now a gender therapist. There is a world of difference between the two. There are generalist out there that feel that as the client is mostly OK, if they want an HRT letter they get it. I suspect most gender therapist will want to be sure that it is in the best interest of the client judging from all the verbage and justifications in my CYA letter.

In my far younger days several times I had to rely on hormones to restore my emotional balance. I wanted to just live life as a "normal" male. Well, after a few months things weren't too normal downstairs. That quickly put a stop to hormones.

[blueconstancy]

Welcome!

This is a tough time, when all the changes and fears are besieging you and there's no end in sight. I promise, from the other side, that a happily ever after is possible. It does get better, and the scary stuff becomes less scary with time and experience.

I was also afraid that my wife would end up only liking men, and it didn't happen.  I also don't know of very many people who found that their sexual orientation changed so much on HRT that they abandoned a long-term partner; in fact, just as there are heterosexual cis [=not trans] women who stay with a trans wife because they can make a special exception, so there are trans women who aren't willing to torpedo a relationship because HRT shifted their primary preferences. That was the thing I was most afraid of, and in the end my wife was bisexual at the start and is bi now, though she had a somewhat increased attraction to men - say from 90-10 in favor of women before to 75-25 now.

Yes, we are still intimate; her sex drive is less demanding than before so there's less frequency but better quality. It takes some doing to figure out how to make love to a woman if you've never done so before, but you can learn together, and gradually over time. And while the actual sex acts happen less often, she's more willing to be physically intimate in non-sexual ways, as well as emotionally intimate and supportive. I think it's an improvement!

As for how to manage my own sanity during the worst of it, distraction was my biggest method; may not be ideal, so I'm not necessarily advising it, but I'd find something (a book, hanging out with friends, etc.) that took up so much of my attention that I couldn't obsess as much.

Lastly, if it's a sexual fetish thing, HRT tends to torpedo the sex drive. A few months of that and it'll be obvious whether libido was driving the desire to transition.

[Crazy4him/her]

Thank you to those of you that have responded.  I really needed to hear different perspectives to try and deal with my own feelings and thoughts.  Emotions are so extreme these days...from extemely high to extremely low...I try to keep it in check on the outside, but on the inside the emotional roller coaster is a tough one.

I do love my SO so very much...he has saved my life...and I helped to save his.  We were meant to be together and I want to believe 150% that we will make it.  I guess I struggle the most with balancing my needs vs. his needs.  I feel like my needs get left behind in this journey.  He has told me that it is "his" journey and not "our" journey.  That I am just there along with him...and that he is not sure he will have the energy to worry about my feelings while trying to figure out his...and I get that... but I feel like it is a journey for me as well and I just don't want to lose myself in the process.  I have always looked after others first ... with great pride...however, in this endeavor I believe that I have to keep myself in tact in order to be able to support him the best way I can.

Thank you again for your perspectives ...I am still learning and you have helped me greatly. 

Blueconstancy - thank you so very much...I needed to hear from someone that has been where I am.  I am so very happy for you and that things are great for you and your wife...that is such a touching love story and I hope mine ends the same!  Hugs to you!

[Pigleto]

Have you ever heard or read about a persons sexuality changing?
He/she seems to be a lesbian, being they identify as female. Which can be an attraction to transwoman & cisgendered women.

Do they show any attraction to men?
You can have a loving and fulfilling relationship along with trust.

Trust and honesty.. Communicate I enjoy the results of straight up questions and answers.

[blueconstancy]

I have in fact heard/read about instances where someone's orientation changed completely.  It hasn't seemed terribly common, though, and in some cases it's more an instance of what my wife has described as realizing that there's always been an underlying attraction to that gender but it was denied because being treated as a gay man [or straight woman for trans guys] felt wrong and icky. (She says that *now* she finds more men attractive in large part b/c now they treat her as a woman, and she was and IS not interested in gay guys anyway!)

Crazy : That comment about how this isn't your journey would really upset me, and I think you're absolutely right. You aren't transitioning, but you *are* accompanying them right alongside throughout the journey! Which is how my own wife put it, and that made me feel a lot more part of the process. I'm sorry you're feeling shut out by that attitude, and I think you have a right to feel that way. You may want to express those feelings, and hope they listen. You deserve to have your needs taken seriously too during this process.

[JoanneB]

Crazy : That comment about how this isn't your journey would really upset me, and I think you're absolutely right. You aren't transitioning, but you *are* accompanying them right alongside throughout the journey! Which is how my own wife put it, and that made me feel a lot more part of the process. I'm sorry you're feeling shut out by that attitude, and I think you have a right to feel that way. You may want to express those feelings, and hope they listen. You deserve to have your needs taken seriously too during this process.

It bothered the crap out of me too. I agree 100% for much the same reason. In fact make it 200%, another 100% from my wife. Better yet 300% since my wife is trans and almost 40 years we were dating as she faced some major decisions.

Your lives are conjoined. You are both going through this process. Just two different vantage points. Much of how I try to manage my dysphoria is with the concerns of my wife in mind and the "US' in mind. Some steps that I have taken only occurred thanks to her love, concern, and support. If I ignored or dismissed her feelings or opinions then what sort of relationship would you call it? Roommate immediately comes to mind, not life partner. 

[blueconstancy]

Joanne : Thanks for that. It's an excellent point, too; this is by far not the only situation in which unilateral decisions and shutting one partner out can do serious damage to the relationship. (I didn't go to grad school with my wife either... but I did have to rearrange my life almost as much as she did to support that too. It's part of what marriage is about.)

[Crazy4him/her]

Thank you both for validating my feelings on that part of things.  I tend to always blame myself with situations so another opinion is greatly appreciated. 

I would love to chat with either one of you outside of this forum if possible.  Some things that I just don't want to put on a forum, but really need someone to talk to (email with). 

He hasn't started the hormones yet but is definately intending to.  As much as he obsesses about transition with hormones, the more I obsess about how our relationship will turn platonic.  I was in a VERY long platonic marriage...and I really don't think I can do that again...so I worry.  However, I do love him very, very much and want to support him the best I can.

Thank you again...

[Crazy4him/her]

Joanne - thank you for the message...I tried to reply to your message; however, my account will not let me send replies... I will try to get that figured out and hopefully be able to respond!

[Marienz]

First off...hello and thank you for the wonderful advice I will get here!  some background on me and my situation.  Met the "man" of my dreams two years ago. Literally everything I wanted in a man. We started off as just friends while we both went through divorce and then it blossomed into an amazing love after that. Once in love the sexual intimacy was off the chain so to speak.  He mentioned to me that he liked to Dress in women's clothing sometimes for sexual play.  We agreed to have our first girl/girl date and it was fun. Since then the need to dress got more and more and more frequent. He told me at first that it was just a sexual turn on thing. His obsession with pornography was very shocking to me...lesbian movies and transexual movies being his favorite...every day...every day we had porn on the TV and everyday we had some kind of sexual encounter.  His personality is a very addictive type.  He was addicted to sex with me...which was awesome!

He continues to watch trans movies ...mainly on the internet in the middle of the night...as well as when we have sex.  He is also addicted to the thought of transition and addicted to buying girl things. I love being supportive to him but it's exhausting looking at makeup and jewelry and clothes everywhere we go...all the time. 

I always told him that I will support him.  At first it was "I support you as long as I still have my "man" some of the times."  Then with the thought of never wanting to be without him, it turned into "I will support you regardless". Now he is seeing a therapist that is not a specialist in this field and he is talking about hormones.  I am not going to lie...I am terrified.  He has always told me that no matter what he wears he is still the same person I fell in love with...and I do agree.  However, I feel that hormones will make him FEEL more like a woman and I am so scared that the attraction between us will fade.  He is my manly hero that takes care of me...something I have never had before. Something I love with all my heart. I am scared that hormones will make him want men...I am scared that we won't have sex and intimacy after hormones. I am scared that I am losing the love of my life. I want to be his forever and he wants the same and we are middle aged.

I truly feel like his attraction to women's things is mainly sexual. He gets aroused at blouses and nail polish. Every night when he dresses ... We have sex. I am scared that he doesn't want to really BE a woman but is confused and rushing into hormones. Why can't we just continue to have this relationship the way it is... We have ALOT of fun...but I still get my man. He doesn't appear to hate his manhood. But I know that could be an act and I am just being WAY too selfish.

So I guess I am wondering... Is your SO obsessed with girl things or transition? Are you able to keep the intimacy after hormones?  What do you do for YOURSELF to keep everything emotionally stable...or is there such a thing? 

Thank  you for listening.

Hello
I am also a SO and am wondering how your situation worked out?
Thanks:)
Marie


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Significant other
Heterosexual woman