"Men Can't Cry?" (Just Another Gender-Specific Rant)

[Tristyn]

So why is it exactly that this stereotype continues to hold true for most people all over the globe? I don't even know where it came from. All I know is that its chauvinistic as heck. Even misogynistic. How so? Because guys who cry are falsely equated with actin' like a girl, wimp, sissy, or something else that could be comparable with "behaving the way a girl does" in society's stupid definition of that.

I guess I thought about this yesterday because I balled my eyes out over an orientation that should have happened but didn't because I failed to confirm it prior to its occurrence as the service chairman of the volunteering department requested for me to. I think what happened is that I got this request mixed up with a different one and never called her. Its not like she refused to give me a second chance.

I get to retry this again close to the very beginning of next month. It wasn't the actual mistake I made that prevented me to attend this orientation that caused me great upset. No, the real problem that really grinds my gears is my father's annoyingly incessant habit of putting me down lower than dog crap and be passive about it at the same time, if I tell 'em I screwed up stuff like this. He'll play detective and demand an answer on why something didn't fall thru with ruthlessly persistent interrogation until I give him the narrow truth or end up lying, which in this case I gave him the very broad truth but the words I wanted to convey would not leave my mouth out of crippling anxiety and I ended up lying and telling him that I did not know why I could not attend the orientation. Yeah, seeing that I really hate lying, I really suck at it too even at times like these when I feel its almost necessary to do so.

I became so distraught after returning home on foot that I called up a hospice representative to admit me. I spoke with my therapist also, who couldn't do much for me at the time in such an agitated state of being. My only salvation came from a good, long nap. Somehow, even from this, I managed to bounce back to my old self.

[jlaframboise]

Honestly, since I've been on testosterone, I can barely cry. I've cried once in 4 months. I'm not sure it's a stereotype, to me it's the physical aspect of seriously not being able to cry.

[Tristyn]

Honestly, since I've been on testosterone, I can barely cry. I've cried once in 4 months. I'm not sure it's a stereotype, to me it's the physical aspect of seriously not being able to cry.

I think you have a point. Could very well be physical. But why do men come under such fire if they do or can cry?

[Tristyn]

Honestly, since I've been on testosterone, I can barely cry. I've cried once in 4 months. I'm not sure it's a stereotype, to me it's the physical aspect of seriously not being able to cry.

I think you have a point. Could very well be physical. But why do men come under such fire if they do or can cry?

[Deborah]

That is situational.  Men can cry quite freely without anyone saying anything for serious things like deaths or even less serious things like the last football game someone will ever play on a team.  For trivial things it's considered a sign of being weak willed.  Also, men don't give each other near as much crap over it as people think with the exception of those stuck in perpetual adolescence.


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[Mr.X]

Two things: Culture and physiology.

Our culture is masculine, so being feminine in any way is seen as bad. But go to a country like India, and you'll see big differences.
Also, jlaframboise and I share the same experience. Granted, before T I rarely cried (maybe twice a year at best) but after T, it just seems near impossible even when you know it would relief you.

[FTMax]

Ditto'ing the "since I started T I can't cry" point. I was an angry/anxious crier pre-everything. Get me mad enough, and I'd just burst into tears. Now, nothing. At most, I'll feel a tightness in my chest when I get upset. I haven't cried in almost a year at this point.

What Deborah said holds true in my experience.

[Dex]

Add one more to the "can't cry club". I was always crying with any strong emotion before T. Now, I hardly cry at all. I think I had one time in the last two years where I actually really cried and it took a lot to get me to that point.

I do agree that there is some degree of expectation with regards to crying (or more accurately - lack of crying) but I do think it is also partly physical.

[Shandril]

Last time i cried was due to a mental breakdown after being awke working for 3.5 days straight, i eventually hit a wall of hopelesness and actually broke down on the phone with my equipment manager lol.

He told me to sleep it off for a few hours then get at it again, gotta love prototype equipment thats "properly tested" before sent to the field lol.

Surprisingly i felt great after, sometimes you gotta let it out to start fresh!

~Shan~

[Paige]

Oh how I wish I could still cry.  When I was young, I cried all the time, but when adolescence hit it stopped.  The only time I can remember almost crying was when our 18 year old cat died.  I've been to funerals and not a teardrop.

Take care,
Paige

[AeroZeppelin92]

Also joining in. Pre T, I used to cry over the stupidest ->-bleeped-<- around shark week ( a TV commercial could set me off)... or when I got really angry. I haven't shed a single tear since I started T. I love it. I hated that I used to cry a lot, especially when I would cry when angry. It would make me even more mad that I was crying, which in turn equalled more tears haha

I'm certain I would still cry if something truly emotional happened to me, like the loss of a family member or something, but other than that I would prefer to never shed another tear again.

[big kim]

I wish I could but I can't do it very often. I'm afraid I've become too hardened. The last time was when I saw Dad in hospital and knew he wasn't coming home.

[sparrow]

So why is it exactly that this stereotype continues to hold true for most people all over the globe?

My dad was my very best friend in the entire world.  He was the healthiest, fittest, toughest son of a ... baker ... that ever did live.  Got cancer, we all expected him to pull through fine, and he died after a year.  I didn't cry the day that he died because it was an incredible event; people from all over the place just serendipitously showed up... it was a crazy happy family gathering, and he was finally done with the pain.  But man... I was broken after that day.

For two years, I was in the pits with grief.  Every day was the longest of my life, and I'd come home and collapse into a lump, maybe growl something friendly like "I'm too pissed off to talk but it's not about you" to my darling, patient, supportive wife.  I'd sob once and a while.  Two sobs.  Maybe 3.  Maybe 3 tears, too, if I got lucky.  I needed to cry.  Oh boy, did I want to cry.  I felt like crying.  I couldn't, and it was frustrating to no end.  I became self-conscious of the fact, and it became even harder to cry.  I noticed that if I wanted to bring a genuine tear to my eye, I just had to say the words "my dad" but I could not cry.

Some men don't have this problem.  It's a problem; it's a weakness that some men are fool enough to be proud of. My dad could cry and cry, and he raised me to cry without shame.  But it really does seem like my tear ducts shriveled to nothing as I aged, and came back when I started HRT.

Ohhhh... my... god.  Estrogen is the BOMB.  I got tears flowin' like a river.  I'm never going back to testosterone.  Peace!

[Arch]

I guess I thought about this yesterday because I balled my eyes out over an orientation

??

I hope you mean "bawled."

[captains]

I used to be an emotional crier. A bad emotional crier. A famously bad emotional crier. As a kid, I would burst into tears at the slightest provocation: embarrassment, empathy, anger, hurt, whatever. I swear, I spent half my school years in the bathroom wiping my face, haha. It wasn't cute!

So, I decided... not to be that way. I worked extremely hard to stop being so sensitive and stop being so prone to tears. I'm not on T or anything. I just chose to stop showing my emotions so freely... and I've found that over time, I don't feel as strongly either. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy -- it was the most work I've ever put into personal change, and it took borderline masochist amounts of effort -- but it was a true shift in my emotional processing. It makes me wonder how much of the reduction in crying amongst trans men is due to T, and how much is due to our perception that such a change is possible? And if it's all T, how much I might change in the future.

[Skylar1992]

I am a MTF trans and been living in a male body over 23 years, trust me, natural Cis males can cry and testosterone does NOT affect your ability, the thing affecting it is probably your own personal views.

[FtMitch]

Actually, Skylar, it DOES effect your ability to cry.  Not the literal physical ability but the emotional reactions you have to things.  Many, many, MANY FTMs used to cry over everything (like sappy stuff, too) and then after taking T no longer have the same emotional reactions.  Instead of being sad, I find myself getting mad or frustrated. It is partly hormones how we react to things.

[FTMax]

I am a MTF trans and been living in a male body over 23 years, trust me, natural Cis males can cry and testosterone does NOT affect your ability, the thing affecting it is probably your own personal views.

Trust me, if I could physically cry, I would like to sometimes. It would be a good stress reliever.

Your experience is not universal. Please keep that in mind.

[Dex]

I agree, I have to respectfully disagree with it having no physical nature. I cried at everything pre T. Any strong emotion brought on tears. I was sometimes embarrassed by it because I had no control over it. But that embarrassment didn't stop it from happening, and I always saw myself as a man pre T. Since being on T, my emotional response to things does not usually include crying. It wasn't my view changing or feeling like I "shouldn't" cry because I don't ascribe to those stereotypes at all. In fact, there were times early on (before I found other release mechanisms) where I wished I COULD cry. So there must be something biological there somewhere. At least that has been my experience.

[cindianna_jones]

Men cry. Manly men cry. It's usually over emotionally moving moments from what I've seen.

Cindi