Dreading and Wanting HRT, looking for advice and support

[midnightdancer]

Recently had a false start with hormones.

I have been considering myself trans for about six months now though I have been a lifelong (mostly closeted) cross-dresser (I am 45 years old).  I have been in therapy off and on for years related to my gender issues.  I am now presenting in public, including at work, in women's clothes, and I'm working on hair, nail polish etc. 

I want a full transition but am teetering on the edge... A doctor prescribed estradiol and spironolactone.  I was only on it for about five days.  I was peeing all the time, sometimes three times a night.  There was a dull ache at the base of my gonads, and I thought I noticed my gonads shrink.  Faced with the real potential of sterility and good chance of permanent loss of male sexual function, I got scared and discontinued the hormones.  I am very attracted to women and sometimes I am not sure I am quite ready to permanently retire "the boys."  Am attracted to men too but perhaps that is the stuff of another conversation.

I have an appointment with an endocrinologist with extensive experience working with trans people next week, so I am looking forward to getting some of my questions answered.

I would love to hear from any of you who care to share with me stories of side effects from the hormones.  Am I definitely going to lose my male sexual function, e.g. erections and ejaculation?  I personally could perhaps come to terms with that, but I am married to a woman with whom I am still hoping to reunite; we're currently separated.  Seems like this issue would concern her as well.

I have so many questions about other side effects.  Are these hormones going to be bad for my health?

I am REALLY looking forward to growing breasts and exhibiting other feminine secondary sexual characteristics.  And absolutely also looking forward to the way estrogen is going to make me feel, i.e. a different emotional makeup.

Scared and excited... I would love to hear people's specific experiences.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Some people are more sensitive to HRT than others. Blockers weren't available to me and unfortunately I didn't lose functionality before surgery. Others girls had better development and the boys came under control. It is a decision you will have to make because having both may not be possible. One options that was available to me was to bank my sperm. I correctly decided in my case it would be a waste of money because it wasn't likely I would find somebody to carry my child. In your case, banking your sperm might be wise.

The blockers are what will calm your mind but personally because I took estrogen by pill, it didn't really alter my mind that much. From what I understand, Injections tend to provide more of an emotional rollercoaster but they also provide faster development.

The blockers will reduce your sex drive and may do it pretty quickly. It's possible for the Endo to control the dosage to raise your sex drive but it may be at the expense of your development. It will be your call.

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[Mallory]

If you've never fathered children and you have the slightest inkling that it's something you'd want to do in the future now would be the time to bank sperm.  Your ability to produce viable offspring will deteriorate fairly rapidly as your testosterone plummets due to an anti-androgen; your testicles will atrophy and shrink.

I had a "false start" too.  I think quite a few of us do.  Mine was 6 weeks long and ended abruptly due to a number of reasons.  It's definitely scary, but this is the wake up call you need to take a step back and re-evaluate what it is you want for yourself long term.

It took me 85 days to figure everything out and I've now been back on HRT for 4 months with no questions or second thoughts.  You got this.

[Rachel]

I am 2.5 years on HRT and I think 1.5 years of which are on injections. I have been sterile for quite some time. erections are not firm and I need to concentrate and caress. Orgasms are wonderful and take time to achieve.

At about 6 weeks on HRT it felt like all the sudden sex did not work anymore and I was scared. I cut my siro in half and e-mailed my PA-C. 2 days later I resumed the full dose of spiro and emailed my PA-C because I started to feel different like my HRT was less effective.

I had wanted to be myself all my life. It got to the point I could not hide anymore and I had to get help . I am 53 and started HRT just before my 51st birthday. Transition is like a GD onion. Peal one layer because you must and then there is another layer. My goal for expressing at work has been age and position appropriate clothing and accessories. When I am in community I am in jeans and a top. I still need to tackle the gym attire. I do not get anything from wearing cloths other than looking good, matching and dressing age and position appropriate. I just got a new pair of shoes and they look good and I can not wait to wear them at work.

[midnightdancer]

Thank you to all three of you for your affirming replies.  Going in to see the endo tomorrow morning (gulp!)  It means a lot to me to hear from you all.

Question for Mallory (or any of you):  Are anti-androgens the same as testosterone blockers (spironolactone) ?  My first doctor only prescribed estradiol and spironolactone.  Also, is estradiol a bio-idential estrogen?

[Deborah]

The answer to your last two questions are yes and yes.

Good luck with the endo tomorrow.   :-)


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[Ms Grace]

You won't lose your male sexual function as long as you have a penis and testes, but your libido and the way it works may change substantially. Things that turn you on now may not be so stimulating and erections/ejaculation harder to achieve/maintain on anti-androgens. If your intention is to 'progenate' (as opposed to 'father') then I suggest banking your sperm before starting any course of HRT.

[Mallory]

Thank you to all three of you for your affirming replies.  Going in to see the endo tomorrow morning (gulp!)  It means a lot to me to hear from you all.

Question for Mallory (or any of you):  Are anti-androgens the same as testosterone blockers (spironolactone) ?  My first doctor only prescribed estradiol and spironolactone.  Also, is estradiol a bio-idential estrogen?

Yes, anti-androgen's block testosterone. 

Page 17 (2) for a list of bio-identical estrogen's.  I'm personally prescribed Estradiol Valerate (Delestrogen) and I've had zero issues so far, knock on wood (haha..).
http://www.menopause.org/docs/professional/tfpbio_0812.pdf?sfvrsn=2