My next step to transitioning

[FireWolf]

I've had a great week. I don't mean it was better than the rest, I mean it was great. I enjoyed myself because my nails were done and I had many people how I "needed" to take it off. Even after asking them to stop saying such things didn't bring my mood down. Now, even after telling my parents to stop saying certain things out loud because my brother doesn't know and I kind of don't want him to until after I change. Besides all of that (was getting a little off topic), next week I hit my next step to changing... eyeliner! Even without people knowing I'm transgender, I still have that sort of scene look/style so I'm not too scared for the reactions since no one even bothered to complain to me about them (besides family). I can't wait, it's like the second step of the many I still have to take to accomplish my full transition has any one else felt like this during their transition? 

[Rp1713]

I envy your courage! The only person I've come out to is my girlfriend. She does nails with me and helped me with eyeliner the other day, but I'm afraid to do either in public, at least going to work that is. I've had my nails painted in public going to stores and stuff, but I wish I had the courage to do something like eyeliner too! Sounds like you're doing great! Keep it up!


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[FireWolf]

I understand what you mean, it took me a while to come to, but I got fed up with the pain and came out to my friend. She was glad to know part of what was bothering me and came over that day to do them. I spent the whole week with my nails done and it felt so great. The slightest change to help show who I really am is a huge relief because I'm 18 and have been holding it in since I was 12. I can't wait for Sunday because that's when I'm going to ask her to do eyeliner next. I'm so glad I have the courage to do this, before I was so subconscious about what everyone thought, but after growing up pretending not to care what they thought, it's turning out that I really don't (I do, but to an extent). I mean, I still get nervous and frigidity, but I work my way through it because on the other side is the next step to being the real me

[Rp1713]

I still care far too much about other people's perception of me. I'm 25 and have always been seen as a tough guy in a lot of ways. I feel like I've always been a teddy bear once the right person gets to know me and now I'm starting to realize why. Proud of you for knowing what you want for that long! Im just trying to figure it out now. It will be tough to make any sort of transition in front of the world for me, I've always been kind of shy, and conscious of how people see me. Some day I'll take that first step and paint my nails before work. Right now I'm okay with letting them get a little longer and painting them clear during the week. Good luck with the eyeliner! I currently suck at it and my eyes twitch like crazy but I think that will get better with practice!


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[FireWolf]

Yeah! That's my personal challenge for work tomorrow: go with my nails done. Next time I go will b telling my boss. Since there's only two of us working (me and my boss(I work in a computer tech shop)), it should be relatively easy. I say easy because without even saying anything, my first day in he said that he doesn't care about people being trans, gay, or anything like that, just so long as that they're happy. I was trying so hard not to hug him right there and hide my shock because I feel as though he knew, even though I didn't mention anything like that to him. Hope you feel this way if you decide to do something. It feels so much better than what I'm used to.

[Ms Grace]

...it's like the second step of the many I still have to take to accomplish my full transition has any one else felt like this during their transition?

Definitely. One small step is indeed a giant leap!!

[Rp1713]

Firewolf I sort of feel that way about certain people at work, but not my boss. I've known him for several years prior to being hired, and although I know he is accepting of people that are gay, trans or whatever, I'm still concerned with how he'd feel about ME being trans. I'm so happy for you though! You go girl!


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[FireWolf]

Well, a big part of my transition is my music. I listen to a lot of metal and all of its sub genres. Being a guitarist I try to keep my mind open to what I'm listening to, even if I personally despise that style of music. But it's the heavy riffs that make me smile and get goosebumps. Considering I still have the voice to do the vocals, I still enjoy that too (even the screaming an growling, cause I'm weird like that). Even now, I'm listening to three days grace's "I am machine" over and over again because of the vocals xD. Back to the point, my music is what keeps me going, I need it to survive. It gives me the courage to do all of this. One of my fantasies (as childish as it may be) is that I always envision myself in my female body on a stage playing for all of my friends. This is my goal that I've been working for for years now. Do you have a goal? Something similar to my situation to keep you going or help you in transitioning?

[Rp1713]

I have been a passionate filmmaker since I was about 18. I have worked my way from a camera assistant who basically just changes batteries etc for the guy behind the camera, to being the camera operator and even the director of photography on some projects, which makes me responsible for all things camera and lighting. It's an amazing feeling and practically what I live for. But I've never really thought of what it would be like to be doing what I love to do as a woman. I think it would most likely make me feel incredible and capable of even more. But I'm afraid of what those friends would think too, even though I think of them as a part of my family.

As far as the music goes that's ->-bleeped-<-ing sick! I love metal and hardcore and anything with screaming! I agree it had gotten me through some really hard times and still does. If you haven't already, do some research on Laura Jane grace and her work as a guitarist and singer for against me! She transitioned at the age of 31 and is one of the most badass chicks I've ever seen! Their most recent album transgender Dysphoria Blues had gotten me through almost every day in recent memory. Also check out the band GLOSS. It stands for girls living outside of societies ->-bleeped-<-. They're a punk band of trans-women! My boss is actually the one that told me about them. So badass! If they are capable of doing what the love while being a trans-woman I guess both of us are too!


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[FireWolf]

Definitely! I see no reason why we shouldn't be able to. Although, the cost of everything will be a tough one, considering I need a new guitar and amp. Being 18, this is a little challenging, but with a new Prime Minister (I live in Canada) that's supposed to help trans people change, I hope I'll be able to afford it soon. I mean, I don't even have a therapist yet and I couldn't afford one considering me and my boyfriend (also a transgender) have a place and with our every say needs, we get a little costly. He talks to a counselor, but the best they can do for me is set up an appointment with a psychologist and go from there. I'm up for trying something online, but I'm not sure how much it would cost and how much they can help. I've done some research on them, but each one is still costly.

[Rp1713]

That is one area I've been lucky. I was able to get an appt with the first therapist I reached out to on psychologytoday.com and had an appt in less than a week that cost me only $25 a month because of insurance. She and my girlfriend are the only ones that know about my gender Dysphoria and they've both been very helpful in making me even as comfortable as I am. Even if I pretty much only present as a woman at home. Even if it's as simple as wearing women's underwear and pants or shorts and putting up my hair with clips.

It sucks being a struggling artist with real life responsibilities, I totally get that. But we can work with what we've got! Artists always do! That's exactly why I have my filmmaking friends and family. Between all of us we have a lot of options with cameras, lenses, lights and so on. It's tough in our circumstance, but there are people that help you, some will be able to accept some our transition, some won't. And the fact of the matter is that I guess not everyone needs to know until we're ready.

The situation with the therapist sucks. But I feel as though we share a lot of the same struggles, as well as interests. So beyond this conversation if you ever need support in the future then reach out!


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[FireWolf]

Hey thanks for the site! I plan on moving in with my boyfriend in the summer (we're both on either ends of the country at the time being) and was able to find someone I can work with! One more step done, thank you so much :3

[Rp1713]

That's so great to hear! No problem at all! I knew of the site before because of my mother who is a psychologist but I just happened to stumble upon it again during my search for answers. So glad I could help!!


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