apologize in advance this was typed in from an ipad so many typos
Im in my forties, married, with kids, im VERY successful in my career and i have been married for axbout 15 years. and im a woman in a mans body.
let that sink in.
my confession. when i was very little i thought i was just like my sister and wrote my name as a girls name...and was corrected and it was explained to me the differences between boys and girls of which i was horrified that i was diferent. in my teens i would lok at my sistera clothes, and i subscribe to adult magazines so i could look at women, and i put the centerfolds on my walls and i would use toys on myself to simulate being taken while imaging that i was them. later i would drink alcohol and be a girl and give pleasure to my guy friends. they knew i was off... but were friends non the less. i always thought my best parts were my butt and my hair. i got married early and would wear my wifes clothes and shave my legs during college and at that time i lost my hair and i grieved and my married disintegrated. i have never told anyone the truth as to why. always stating we grew apart a conveininet white lie. as a just kid i would have a reoccurring dream of having sex, and not being able to stop what was happening, a woman would be watching me/us and telling me that i was being taken. i have always been strongly drawn to bondage and now realize that this was to control my inner self that so badly wants to come out. and that dream was more of this going on. in my second marriage i tried to be a good husband but ended up reaching out to others like me for meet ups, that never happened but i tried...yet didnt know why i was doing it. i have shown signs to my wife, shaving my legs even wearing toe nail polish. in secret i would fantasize about her tieing me up and taking me and feminizing me...i want this so badly. to this day i have girly tattoos on my body and getting more, i tried coming out to my wife and at first she accepted but then said i was a liar. we tried counseling but the couselor was wacked, basically saying i could not be mtf because im to masculine looking. sigh. my wife told me that if this ever came up again she would leave me. so i have tucked it away to her, but the desire and truth of it is alive and well.
so...what am i going to do.. i am not sure... im wise enough to know the grass isnt always as green as it appeares. and i have a lot at stake. yet IF my wife were to come out and accpet me id do it today, i want to.
what do i seek on these forums...friendship, understanding, someones to talk to, advice, and maybe help me find my courage which i have lost long ago.
thats my story and confession and what im thinking.
mm
