Hello everyone,
First of all, thank you for reading this. If you can take time to respond, even better. Please know that I don't mean to offend anyone, just in case I use terms that you guys are way more familiar with than myself, it's not meant to be impolite or disrespectful.
So, here is my story. I'm a 26-year-old female (by birth) and I never questioned my gender identity. I was a tomboy until I was 11 when I stopped as I felt more comfortable having girlfriends, sleepovers, I liked growing out my hair and fully identified as a female. I never had any psychological issues either. I was pretty happy.
When I was 17 or so, I went online posing as a guy I found attractive to talk to girls. It's become somewhat of an addiction. I did this for a long time. The thing is I'm still sexually confused and it bothers me - I have had crushes on men and women, generally, I find women to be more attractive, but I can't see myself with a woman sexually in real life, myself being a woman. I might try it, but what I'm saying is - I like my role as a woman and I dress and come across as really feminine, like flirting with guys and even though I rarely ever fall in love (I only did once with a guy), I always pictured myself with a man, having kids. I always knew that's what I wanted.
However, I don't feel comfortable opening up to men and while I've been with men sexually only and I don't like it, I continued my online thing as a man. It never really bothered me. I also "fell in love" with a couple of women. (In real life I don't, though) and that was enough for me. During this entire time, I never crossdressed or felt I wanted to be a man in real life. It was just that fantasy that I liked and it gave me little reason to look for a partner in real life, because I do have commitment issues anyway. So hiding behind a fake persona made it easier for me. The guy I posed as was someone I felt a lot of attraction to, but I'm also positive it's not the kind of attraction: oh, I want to be him! I liked him in a romantic, sexual and erotic way. This doesn't happen very often to me.
My issue, though, begins here: I was always fine and thought I would just wait until another guy comes along that I really like. I still want that. However, since last year, I've been suffering with anxiety. First it was all about cancer, losing family, never getting a job, etc - generalized anxiety disorder. This year I sought treatment when I developed self-harm OCD. That was in July. Now here comes the problem. If you're familiar with OCD, you might know that the theme of one's obsessions frequently or infrequently changes. In September I was lying in bed and my harm OCD had been away for a day or two, all of a sudden I got this thought "Whaf if I have anxiety because I'm Trans?" I got scared, spent lots of time on the Internet, in support groups, talking to my therapist, saw a gender therapist, etc. Everyone said that it was OCD and that you cannot be what you fear so much. I had the horrid fear of being transgendered. I performed compulsions every 2 minutes. I checked myself in the mirror, worrying I looked too masculine, I was scared my mannerisms were too masculine, I asked my family members if I had ever said I wanted to be a boy and felt relieved when they said I never said it. I felt like I had no choice but to transition if I ever wanted to be happy again. I was also on forums like these and the thing is, transpeople told me "if you question, it's probably because you are". I tried work out if I was just in denial. It didn't feel right. Also, if you have OCD and your theme revolves around something you deeply fear - such as being Trans - of course you question, but usually, which made me feel relief as well, they told me that transpeople didn't fear being the opposite gender/sex. They fear the consequences of transition and the process and reactions of others. Most transpeople confirmed this to me. But my anxiety wouldn't subside. I think of chopping off my hair and I'm bawling my eyes out. I know I don't want to be a man and I'm scared that I don't have a choice and it's inevitable.
Now, my question is: I don't know what's wrong with me and what this makes me? Am I confusing reality with the online world when I assume that I would be able to find love more easily if I was a man in real life (because online it wasn't an issue), because now, as a woman, I don't fall for women. I find them attractive but I don't fall for them and I know I want to be with a man - I just don't fall for them often and rarely find a man attractive.
Is me posing as a man online a fantasy? Or does it mean I'm trans? I don't want to be trans and I don't want to be a man in any area of my life, I just have a feeling it would make things easier for me. Like, I think I would have more confidence (just like online). I compare everything to this online thing. And it gives me horrid anxiety that something is very wrong with me and that I need to transition. It's so much distress. And the thoughts are intrusive and make me cry and I'd give anything to feel like a complete female again.
I know some of you might not be familiar with this and will tell me I'm in denial and I just don't accept it. I've tried accepting it and it doesn't feel right and I can't even do a thing to make myself look less feminine. I want to keep my female body and I want to be able to wear heels and skirts still and wear make-up, but my OCD tells me it's a lie. But when I try to give up and say "Ok, I'm trans" it doesn't change a thing. I told my family, my friends, my therapist, the gender therapist; everyone - they all said I wasn't trans and they all said that it wouldn't be an issue if I was and why it causes me so much distress. To me it would be the end of the world.
I want to know - is there another explanation for me posing as a guy and feeling romantic and sexual attraction towards women as I imagined myself as the very guy I was posing as, than being transsexual or transgender? This has really ruined my life and it's on my mind 24/7 and I don't know what it means and what that makes me... I question my entire life now when I was fine and happy before and didn't put as much thought into it.
If appreciate it if you could help me with this or give some advice... Thank you so much!
Lisa
