I just want to give up

[Amoré]

I am sitting here at my fathers house and I feel like giving up on transitioning.I want to give my hormones to them to proof to them that I want to give up becoming a woman and stay a man.  I took out my hrt and I put the little plastic bag in front in the living room and all of a sudden I am sad and dysphoric.

I have this sadness over me. I told my therapist I want to save my marriage and stay a man and gain my wife's trust again that I can stay a man and cope with gd. She told me but you are a woman. You think you are fine now and you can cope but you must see how you feel in a couple of weeks.

I can understand that my wife is just trying to protect her and my child against pain. She says I can't understand no and that she want to divorce but I can't help having hope that if I give her husband back and ditch all the transgender stuff and put Amoray back in the bottle there is maybe a chance of saving it.

Why am a battling so much to move on and accept that things will never be the same. That my marriage is possibly over and there is no chance of her taking me back.

Also the other thing that is getting to me is being sterile from hrt. We where trying for another child before the bomb dropped and she wanted to divorce. This hurt me immensely.

Like my therapist said the easiest way will be giving Amoray a chance. But this means changing all the things that I know. I am comfortable as a male if the dumb noise can disappear. Where most of us trans people want to embrace the girl or woman they want to be I just want her gone.  But the more I want to destroy her the harder she hits back. I think it is because I am denying me to be me.

HRT makes me feel secure for some reason even dressed as male. I don't know if it is just a psychological thing that the HRT makes me feel better and takes the noise away and make me think less of my gender or am I feeding my brain the right hormones and it is just humming along happy to run on the right fuel.

If they can make a pill like HRT that has the same effect without the physical changes I would be first in line. It is not about dressing as a woman really for me or being seen as a woman it is about self awareness if that makes any sense. If I run on E I am less aware of my gender.

The funny thing I can see myself as Amoray wearing a beautiful dress my while personality fits female. The attributes that my wife fell in love with was my female attributes. That makes me sad as hell because why can't she make peace with me having gd and Amoray being a big part of who I am. That makes up the person that she married and loved.

I can imagine that she is resenting me for not telling her that I was having gender issues before we got married. I don't know if I am strong enough to transition. I really don't know if I want to cope with all the crap. Then there is the discrimination crap I was curios and went on a dating site where trans girls meets men that is in to them and this one guy from South Africa is referring to trans woman as ladyboys or she-males I told him he is very disrespectful and dumped his ass. Is this the crap that I am going to sit with the rest of my life just to be a woman. This does not let me feel like a real woman.

Having to out myself to any potential partner for the rest of my life that I was not a born woman and I'm trans just let me feel like I am trading one trickery for another one. If I could be a real woman and never had to carry the trans tag it would have been so much more worth it. Is this really worth the trouble I think everyday to myself.

I think a lot of you felt like me thinking I would do anything not to give in and transition. Be a woman but always carry the trans tag and then the struggle of getting a partner again.

I just don't know it is a lot to read but I am so confused and indecisive.

[katrinaw]

Massive big hugs Amoré

Its hard, I was there so many times, but then my wife did not know, because I could not tell her, so many times I wanted to tell her since I went on HRT but each time I said it was stupid, I was stupid... gave up HRT on a couple of occasions... this went on for years.
Then just over 2 months ago I released the war head... boy I ripped her life apart, I feel like crap, my Adult kids say they love me, I am still there father, we all put up a front for the grandkids. The whole world has changed forever.

We are not young, she is trying to understand, but cannot resist little jibes... she wants her husband back, but I can't, because, because... but I did at least have those kids etc... so understand your thought processes...

All I can say is that the longest period I locked it away, keeping little excursions under control was about 20 odd years, (It was hard, it was very hard, but I had a family... and no support back  then) however the feelings, emotions, that pain in your heart is always there... unfortunately it is who we are.

Burying yourself in work and projects help, but as soon as you take a little less intensity it floods back.

The only advice I can give you is if you stop its for you, the genie is out of the bottle, for her there will always be the nagging doubt... But you and your wife could live with that... I wish looking back, that I had not married, but then no kids etc.. I wish I had said sooner, too scared, until recently I could not ever see myself just being me full time, now I can.

Currently I still feel trapped, some relief because the people closest know now, but in some respects that's even worse now, I am being trapped.

Only you can really answer who you are and you will know deep inside if you really can reverse your emotions.

Best wishes and lots of hugs...

Katy xxxx

[Ms Grace]

Why am a battling so much to move on and accept that things will never be the same.

Hugs. It is a big choice and not an easy one to make. I can guarantee things will be different, but different doesn't have to be all bad.

Like my therapist said the easiest way will be giving Amoray a chance. But this means changing all the things that I know. I am comfortable as a male if the dumb noise can disappear. Where most of us trans people want to embrace the girl or woman they want to be I just want her gone.  But the more I want to destroy her the harder she hits back. I think it is because I am denying me to be me.

This is quite common. I wouldn't necessarily agree with your therapist - to say social transition is the easiest thing is a bit naive. As you note there is potentially quite a lot to lose. Can I suggest that you seem to be treating the feminine aspect of yourself as a hostile and dangerous separate personality/entity when in fact she is just as much a part of yourself as any other part. It may be that accepting your feminine nature, rather than trying to destroy and deny it, can bring you greater peace of mind within with yourself. Something to explore with your therapist perhaps.

The attributes that my wife fell in love with was my female attributes. That makes me sad as hell because why can't she make peace with me having gd and Amoray being a big part of who I am. That makes up the person that she married and loved.

She can't make peace with Amoray or your gd because you haven't. Also, she may have fallen in love with the feminine aspects of your personality, but I'm presuming she is heterosexual and still believes she fell in love with a "man". Women can love their best girlfriend in the whole world but they still don't want to sleep with them or have sex with them. I'd suggest that may be the crux of her distress around you transitioning.

I think a lot of you felt like me thinking I would do anything not to give in and transition. Be a woman but always carry the trans tag and then the struggle of getting a partner again.

Having tried to transition when I was younger I then gave up and denied I was trans, even though I still felt like a woman. I resisted transition for twenty increasingly miserable years. For trans people it is a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't. Transition can mean a loss of some things but can also mean gaining a lot more. What you want to avoid more than anything though is regret. Try and resolve a few things with your therapist and wife before you make any big choices one way or another.

[Amoré]

You know I hate my stepmother. She is one of those know it all people. She is telling me I resented my child from that she was born why would I resent my own child what parent does that. She is telling me I deceived them all by pretending I was someone I was not my whole life. She is a nurse and she is so bigoted that she tells me I can't be transgender and it can't be biological because my hormones would have shown this. If I was transgender I would have had a hormone imbalance can you believe that she is a nurse but she thinks she is a psychologist and a doctor.

She is giving my wife advice also and from that I came out that I have gender identity issues she told my wife to divorce me and that my marriage is not going to work. Unfortunately this woman is married to my father. She is giving my wife advice and you can imagine what advice this is. She was actually sitting and telling me this rubbish now. She is telling me my wife is right to be selfish and divorce me but I am wrong for and selfish for being transgendered and they want to blame my mother for me being transgendered or some sort of psychological problem.

My blood is boiling at this stage but I know if I open my mouth I am going to start a fight again that will last months.

[Ms Grace]

She sounds rather vile and stupid. Personally I try to avoid toxic people as much as possible, they only poison you and drag you down with them.

[Amoré]

She sounds rather vile and stupid. Personally I try to avoid toxic people as much as possible, they only poison you and drag you down with them.

This is the crap that is being fed to my wife from their side. She sees herself as a psychologist and is telling my my psychologist and psychiatrist is stupid and that I must go and search for new ones. I am so fed up also of these kind of toxic people and them infecting other people that you love. I tried to explain to her about recent research that shows that in the womb we can be exposed to the wrong hormones and your brain develop differently. She is telling me this is not biological and it is impossible this from a nurse!!!  I wish she can keep her stupid opinions and her nose out of my marriage and life.

I would agree that coming out socially would maybe at this stage only escalade things and make my situation worse. I am battling with accepting myself this is true.

[Qrachel]

I really love what Kat and Grace have said . . . and their comments resonate with me personally some 12-15 years ago and some still today.  Thank you for the lovely posts! 

In your final sentences you mention the "trans tag."  I have found very few MTFs who after a few years have a sense of being "less than", my definition of the trans tag. My trans-lady friends all feel quite feminine and well fitted for their roles in the world as women . . . and they are quite successful in today's world as women, real role models for women.  Keep in mind that there are many natural states of womanhood and their given places in the world: Is a native tribeswoman in the Amazon less a woman than girl friends driving to a shopping center for the monthly sales?  The answer is obvious.  Is a woman who cannot bear children less a woman than a fertile woman?  If the answer is yes, then all post menopausal are lesser women and so on.  I won't go on and leave it at women are women because they are!

The being of a woman has everything to do with her spirit, much to do with her social defined comportment (and sometimes not so much but that's the exception), and very little to do with gender assignment at birth. 

Amore, I make very few promises to anyone, even myself.  I'll make one here though:  "If you fully embrace the spirit of your woman, then you are woman and everything you be flows from the there."  That's a promise!

There's a wonderful book written by Clarissa Penkola Estes, Women Who Run With The Wolves, ~45 weeks on the NYT best sellers' list and still popular today, written 20-30 years ago.  Give it a try; you may even be surprised in your male persona.

Take good care and try not to worry so much about the future - it's going to be fine just not very clear today,

Love ya . . . Rachel

[Qrachel]

Ahhh - the family expert and other 'interested' parties come to the transgender event and person who is facing the life challenge of challenges.  Many, many of us have been through that rodeo.

I feel for you - my ex led a campaign with my daughters and expanded family to get me to the right specialists, though mine were world renowned.

It took me a few weeks, but after a two hour session just on this subject with my therapist I made it clear I wasn't open to discussion about the nature, treatment and care givers for this condition.  It was a difficult moment and a defining one when the entire family (all of whom disapproved) understood this wasn't some flighty thing.  Oh, they still said that but over time they got message this was real, even if not welcome in their lives.

There's little to do here, except avoiding getting angry and being willing to avoid/stop these conversations.  Doing so may have consequences, but their fear and bigotry cannot be permitted to be directed at you like that.  This is not about your well-being at all; it's about them and how they are processing.

I'm so sad this happened.  Take a deep breath and know you are not alone nor are you selfish.  That in their world they can't see the reality and possibility for something beautiful only says something about how small their world is.  Whether you want to live in that world is something you'll have to decide, but you know what it looks like and without change that is what it will always look like.

Keep loving them but stop this nonsense as soon as possible with as much love as they will permit you to show.  And remember, your ability to love them despite this (not agreeing with or accept their crap) will in the end will be what matters to you.

Take good care . . . Rachel

[Amoré]

thank you Rachel, They sat there and asked me what do you want to be what are you. I could not answer them. They told me how must my wife be happy with me if I don't even know what I am. But yes I am a woman in my soul! After reading your post I feel so embarrassed for what I said because I am a woman with a penis... I look like a man but I am a woman! I tried to show her adrogynous insensitive people that look like woman but is xy. I asked her what are they she told me men. I searched for the research on transgender brains and you will think for someone in the medical career she would grasp the idea and understand. She keeps blaming my mother. I then asked her what if my father was not man enough then to make me a man. Then he is a woman because he failed as a man because he could not raise me to be a man. She did not even answer me. She sayd no matter what I do I won't be a woman she is a woman and she will never allow anybody to call me a woman they will call me by my male name and pronouns. I will always be a man that looks like a woman but can't hold a candle to a born woman.

O my I think it is time to go home got a 3 hour drive.

[Maybebaby56]

Hello Amore,

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this. It's hard to add much more to what the previous posters have said, but I wanted to offer my love and support.  It is awful not to receive love and understanding from those who we care about the most.

There seems to be several things that can't be undone  here.  One of them is Amore.  It is clear to me, simply from reading your post, that you think like a woman and love like a woman.  That will never change, because that is who you are.

You can try to keep your male body and be happy.  It may be possible with low-dose HRT.  Your ability to function as a male sexually may be impaired, but there seem to be plenty of transgender women on this forum who manage it.  For me, HRT nearly completely got rid of my dysphoria, but also nearly completely got rid of my libido and ability to function as a male.  That was not a concern for me, though.

You have to ask yourself what this sacrifice will get you, though.  Your mother-in-law will remain critical of you.  You and your wife may never have the same relationship again.  I think you are trying so hard to save your marriage because you are a decent and caring person, and your first impulse is to protect those you love, as women often do.

I am separated from my family, and while it was not caused by my transgenderedness, it was a contributing factor.  I eventually told my wife I was transgender after we separated and she wanted nothing to do with it.  My children do not know, and coming out to them is my biggest concern.  From everything other transgender women have told me, though, my children are likely to accept me.  They know that I love them. It may be awkward for a while, but gradually my fears of losing my children forever are subsiding.

I, too, have wished many times I was not transgender.  I just wanted to be "normal" and not have to deal with the terrible discrimination and fear of losing my job, my friends, or my family.  But now that I am on HRT I am already happier in my own skin than I have ever been.  It's like I have been "cured", lol. I seldom dress up anymore, other than a little t-shirt dress and earrings when I am home. I no longer obsess about being female 24 hours a day.  But I know if I stop taking the hormones, the dysphoria will come roaring back. I am who I am, and I am female in spirit and soul.  There is no going back for me.

With love and kindness,

Terri

[Amoré]

Hi Terri

That is what I fear that it wil be the same as it is with antidepressants. You think you are fine when you are on them and cured and once you leave them you are in for one hell of a ride.

I don't dress really I don't mind to be seen as male I just want that irretating noise of thinking about being a woman to disappear and HRT really helps with that. The problem is once the damn HRT is out of my system I am looking for other ways to satisfy the woman in me example thinking about it the whole day wanting to dress and things it is stupid.

[Qrachel]

Dear   Amoré:

Was pleased to hear from you.  Despite the tribulations of our meetings I enjoy talking to you a lot.   

Now to the matters of the day:

1. You are not the problem; in fact, there isn't a problem but that your wife and your mother-in-law have decided there is.  Your are fine just the way you are and just the way you aren't. 

2.  No amount of reasoning is going to change the hardened minds and souls of some people.  Your family members are in a toxic frame of mind and the future with them has been altered regardless of what you say or do.  It will never be the same.  They are in a state of mind that may change, but that change will not be induced by you, except for you being loving and the wonderful person you are, Amoré.

3. As for living in the the female form, that's your call but doing or not doing so for anyone but yourself because you are doing what really makes your life flourish is a long and dreadful road to take.  I did that for 39 years of marriage and it nearly buried me.  Take your time, be sure, work with and listen to your therapist, get up very day and be true to yourself that day.  In time and it won't take years, you'll know who are and to live accepting that happily so long as you are doing so for youself.

Taking care of yourself and living true to your inner self is not being selfish; rather, it is being a good patient, an intelligent person, and someone that deserves respect for living true.  You deserve a great life and a great life as Amoré if that's what you want!  Please remember that . . . really, you are a beautiful person and very special because of your gender. 

Take care,

Rachel

P.S. Consider reading the book: Women Who Run With The Wolves.  It's a very different book and I've given literally 50 or 60 copies to folks; it' that good.  If I could I'd get a copy and give it to you, but just go to Amazon and search and/or stop buy a good book store.

[Oliviah]

This is the crap that is being fed to my wife from their side. She sees herself as a psychologist and is telling my my psychologist and psychiatrist is stupid and that I must go and search for new ones. I am so fed up also of these kind of toxic people and them infecting other people that you love. I tried to explain to her about recent research that shows that in the womb we can be exposed to the wrong hormones and your brain develop differently. She is telling me this is not biological and it is impossible this from a nurse!!!  I wish she can keep her stupid opinions and her nose out of my marriage and life.

I would agree that coming out socially would maybe at this stage only escalate things and make my situation worse. I am battling with accepting myself this is true.

(((hugs)))  I really am relating to your story and this post.

Replace step mom with aunts and this is my life.  Texts to my wife saying I am a freak and to divorce me.  Calling me selfish and she is right to be selfish.  She fortunately for me simply blocked them, but the issues are still there.  She is embarrassed.  She is back and forth. 

I will be honest.  I came out too early.  I let the opinions of others and my own fear dictate my transition.  It was a bad idea.  Now I am contemplating getting a job as male and slowing this whole thing down.  I am out on facebook, but I don't wear a wig and makeup at home.  My hair is growing, but I have some male pattern baldness and if I can't get that fixed I really don't know what I will do. 

My advice would be to the best of your ability get to know yourself.  Communicate as best you can with your partner.  I let my wife and family hound me to decide if I would transition 10 months before I planned.  Worst mistake I have made, and very well could cause my entire transition to fail.

Be safe.  Love yourself.  Show empathy to the pain of others, but don't internalize it or blame yourself. 

[Chloëjade]

First thing Amoray, when you asked "why are you battling so much on moving on and accepting". That's easy. The past is known to you. You already know the outcome. Moving towards the future is hard is because it is dark and unknown. We don't know what it hides for us. The rest is for you to answer. Now on to your stepmother. WHO the f*** is she to say anything about your mother? Your mother is none of her business. To be truthful I don't know how i'd answer her on this. I do think i'd tell her to shut the f*** up about my mother because she doesn't have the right to say anything about her. I hope you do do what is right for you hun. What ever it is i hope it makes you happy. 

[Amoré]

I so need a hug at this stage.

I am trying so hard to fix my marriage that I am struggling to fix myself.
I wanted to give my wife a hug this morning and she just turned around and walked away I asked her what and why she said "you know where I stand".

Can you really love someone unconditionally that they can hurt you time and time again and you will just get up for another beating. You will get up and tell them that won't make me stop loving you. I will be a pillar for this marriage so hammer away. If you can't stand I will stand for both of us and keep this thing afloat.

How much more beating can I take I don't know but woman are a strong breed an we are something else we know what holding out is all about. I love them more than anything they are my world! I don't know why but without them I just can't see a future. So the best thing that I can do now is stand strong and hold on.

[Oliviah]

I so need a hug at this stage.

I am trying so hard to fix my marriage that I am struggling to fix myself.
I wanted to give my wife a hug this morning and she just turned around and walked away I asked her what and why she said "you know where I stand".

Can you really love someone unconditionally that they can hurt you time and time again and you will just get up for another beating. You will get up and tell them that won't make me stop loving you. I will be a pillar for this marriage so hammer away. If you can't stand I will stand for both of us and keep this thing afloat.

How much more beating can I take I don't know but woman are a strong breed an we are something else we know what holding out is all about. I love them more than anything they are my world! I don't know why but without them I just can't see a future. So the best thing that I can do now is stand strong and hold on.

(((OMG Huggs)))

I have done the emotional punching bag for my wife for almost 3 strait years now.  It is brutal.  There is hope though.  Over this time she has worked out a lot of her anger.  She is working to be kinder.  She wants to stay together.  Only in the last two months has she not turned her head in disgust when I tried to hug or show affection.

She still doesn't want people do know we are married really, and I am never to mention her or tag her if I check in at a place on facebook or something. 

I don't know what the answer to this is.  I feel like my wife and I have maybe fallen into a pattern of emotional abuse, but I don't know how to address it.  I feel ashamed for thinking it.  I don't know if it is true.  Is it hormones?  If I tell people I think they will laugh.

You are awesome.  You seem smart, and compassionate and empathetic.  Your pretty.

(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))

[Amoré]

Your pretty.

(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))

Someone giving me this much hugs I must give some back

(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))(((hugs)))

Speak for yourself you are also pretty.

[Amoré]

I went to my therapist today and my wife send her a message that she should help me get over her. She told her that I am trying to stay a man again for her. I love this woman more than anything in the world and my therapist told me she is emotionally abusive. The watsapp message that she send through to her looked pretty abusive. She is pretty abusive towards me and I am just eating it up because I love her.

My therapist told me I am going to have to move on I haven't got a marriage anymore. There is nothing to rescue. Whether I transition or not I can't rescue it. Then she told me I have to paint a new picture I can transition and have no chance of maybe getting her back or I can stay male and we can find our way back to each other maybe.

[Debra]

Nothing's impossible. You could definitely try to do a low dose of HRT and live as male if that works for you. Only you can decide what's best for you. Not your therapist. Not your wife. Not your parents. Not your church. etc.

I went through a period where I felt like you do.....I just wanted the 'trans' to go away. I didn't want to get divorced or lose my family, etc. But even if I could have taken a pill that magically removed that side of me....it would have literally cut out a huge chunk of who I am.

I went through a period where I got rid of everything female that made me feel good and it sent me in a downward spiral of depression where I almost died. Just be careful how you proceed. You do you.

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Amore,

From what you have described, I think your therapist is right. Your wife has made it clear she no longer wants to be married to you. Your therapist says she is abusive.  You agree that she is abusive.  She wants to move on.  I think that is very clear.

Instead of trying to salvage a marriage that does not seem to exist anymore, I would focus on your child.  Just be a good parent.  My wife and I no longer love each other, but we are civil to each other.  We both love our children very much, so we try to work together on that. 

It's funny, I have a similar dilemma. A met a woman in California at the nursing facility where my mother is.  She is one of the administrators there.  Very pretty, very good businesswoman.  A lot to admire in her.  She also expressed interest in a personal relationship.  I fantasized about it.  She is very attractive, and I could see being a couple - except I forget I am not a man.  The hormones have made me forget my dysphoria, and I just think about how nice it would be to be in love with her, and be with her.  From the little comments she has made about how she likes men and masculinity, I am sure if she found out I was transgender it would end things instantly.

So I wonder to myself, would I trade my transition for love?  I think I would.  Or at least I would be willing to.  I also think, if I am very honest with myself, that it would be a complete disaster eventually.  I can't really function as a male anymore. and even I could, without the hormones, the demons would come back, the relentless desire to be female. Then I would be right back where I started.

Sorry to go on.  You are such a sweet person, and I hate to think of you in pain.

With kindness,

Terri