It's so hard and scary...

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place Cass. I am glad you could join the conversation and let us know if there is anything we can help you with.
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[JessicaSondelli]

I came out to my wife just a few hours ago...omg. I never thought I could actually do this. She was quite shocked but not really that surprised. I don't know yet how we proceed from here but the worst-case scenario - her taking the kids and running out of the house - hasn't happened... which is a good thing..

I'm still in shock that I actually did it but for some reason very relieved.

More to come... for sure.

Jessie

[Steph7]

Hi Jessie,

Congratz on finding the courage.

And often the worst case scenario doesn't happen.

Great new.

Take care
Cass

[Dalibar]

Congratulations on having the courage to do that! I was nervous enough telling my mother and sister who are very open about things, I can't imagine having to worry about losing your children. You sound very strong! I'm glad it seems like things are going well, stay positive!

[Ltl89]

I just wanted to say congratulations on coming out and I wish you and you're family all the best as you move forward.

[JessicaSondelli]

Thank you all for your encouraging words... I really appreciate all of them....

I also had some further discussions with my wife - she still talks to me... - and she is really concerned about our kids besides many other things... She does not want them to ever see me as a woman. She also pushed me to see a therapist - which is a good thing - I need those pushes.. she is really the strong part of our family. So I booked my first session with a gender therapist for next Wednesday...

I honestly have no idea where this will go and my brain is such a mess right now... I don't know if this was really the right decision to come out to her but I can't undo that anymore...

Love
-J

[Patti]

Jessica- seeing a therapist was very good for me, though I don't have a person to come out to really. Just a GF but that is a road I am not crossing until I see how far I am going down this road. I know I am trans* but I am not sure what that will mean as far as my journey.


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[Dena]

You wife is having issues adjusting to this and using the kids as an excuse. If your kids love you, they will have few issues adjusting to you. Often telling them what you are and what will happen is all they will want to know and life will go on. Once we become an adult, we start worrying about what others will think and that is where your wife is.

You may also need to have your wife see your gender therapist after you have had a few meetings or both of you may need to see a marriage consoler if you don't see an improvement in your ability to communicate.

[JessicaSondelli]

Thank you Dena. I can't imagine how hard it must be for my wife and as a mother she is very protective of our kids which I totally admire. It will take time and she already agreed to see my therapist, too but first I need to figure out how I want to proceed with this.

Unfortunately, this might be the end of our marriage but hopefully not the end of our family...

[Tommi]

Thank you Dena. I can't imagine how hard it must be for my wife and as a mother she is very protective of our kids which I totally admire. It will take time and she already agreed to see my therapist, too but first I need to figure out how I want to proceed with this.

Unfortunately, this might be the end of our marriage but hopefully not the end of our family...

You are not alone in that.  My wife's biggest issue with me being trans is her worry that the kids will be picked on and tortured because their Daddy is trans.  I've got three kids, 16, 6, and 3, and I could possibly see it with the 16 yr old.  She's also concerned about them having to hear people make disparaging comments to me, etc.

[Emileeeee]

I'm 40+ with 5 kids and our relationship was falling apart without me telling her because I was becoming so withdrawn. When I did tell her, she said she expected that already based on things she saw while we were living together. It was a little rocky at first and I did take her to my therapist with me. There are still some bumps in the road, but nothing marriage-shattering. If she's willing to work with you, it is possible to continue in the marriage, but communication is paramount and not just communication as you knew it before. I mean very intimate communication, no secrets. Don't let anything build up for you or her. Deal with it when it happens.

[JessicaSondelli]

Thanks Tommi andn Emileeee

it's so good to hear that there are (many) others with similar if not identical situations. It's been a very strange week since I came out to her and it feels so unreal to suddenly talk about things I could not for the past 30+ years. I think it will take quite some time to get used to it. We both still avoid saying the T word for some reason but we talk..

Love you all
-J

[bchigdon10]

Hi Jessie I a 48yrs old married to a very understanding wife whose a yr  older than me.Your story sounds just like mine I too was sent to Dr's that didn't know what was wrong but I did I wanted to be a girl hated boy stuff I just had to play with what my parents bought me.True we didn't know a log back then you where either called a sissy or a tomboy.

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[sara.lynn]

Congratz Jessie.

I'm in almost the same exact situation as you, married with kids (3 of them).  I came out to my wife after she suspected.  Just be prepared that the initial reaction may not be the final reaction.  Keep the communications open.  My wife seemed accepting, but a few days later it was like the acceptance flipped on its head.  I took my wife to therapy with me, and my therapist asked her questions that I was too scared to ask, and I found out just how much she is scared.

As I said the biggest thing keeping us together right now is that we are communicating more than we ever have.  I'm still worried she has accepted my transition yet.

-Sara

[Emileeeee]

I took my wife to therapy with me, and my therapist asked her questions that I was too scared to ask, and I found out just how much she is scared.

This is another thing I learned in therapy. My wife had concerns that she was too afraid to tell me about because she thought I'd leave. No matter how many times we discussed the topic, her answers to me never changed. But when we were both in the therapist's office and he asked her those same questions, a lot more information spilled out than I got. That interested third party thing really does work.

[JessicaSondelli]

OK... today was a big day. I had my first therapy session and it was great. It was the first time I was able to discuss my transgender issues with somebody in-depth and thank god my therapist is such a nice woman who has lots of experience with transgender people. She told me after just a few minutes that I"m totally female in my behavior and I didn't even realize it. I can't wait for our next session next week and hopefully my wife is going to join me....

Love
-J

[Laura_7]

Congratulations 


*hugs*

[JessicaSondelli]

Thanks Laura and thanks for the hugs 

Some good news...finally.

I had a pretty good conversation with my wife who is going to accompany me to my next therapy session and she told me today that she agrees that starting HRT would probably be the right thing to do. I almost fainted as only a few weeks ago this seemed to be far from impossible. Don't get me wrong, not everything is great here...far from it as she still does not want to see me as a woman.... I explained her the "immediate side effects" of HRT like increased nipple and areola sizes.... what a strange conversation to have with your wife... lol

Life is better.... I hope... at least I'm a bit excited again...

Love u all
-J