Okay, so I found out that people in my daily life have found my account on here and have been talking about my situation as a result. I've been extremely embarrassed as a result and feel the need to respond to a lot of the concerns I've heard because it's not being let go. I wanted to talk about this in person but people are afraid to admit they found this forum and that they are discussing this, so this is my only way to respond to daily comments about my situation.
The reality is as a transgender person, I have a lot of insecurities and always feel like I have to justify or defend my transition. Everyday you hear people in rhe media saying that transgender people are crazy or delusional, so many of us get very defensive because we always feel like we are expected to get approval in order for us to live life the way we want and feel comfortable with. At least I often feel this way when talking to cisgender people. The truth is I have no idea why I'm this way and feel the need to transition, but I feel very strongly about this and it hasn't gone away. As weird as it is, I don't want to be a man physically or socially. I hate it and it makes me very sad and uncomfortable to seen or treated that way. It's probably why a lot of transwomen early in the transition either cling to stereotypes or go over the top. We are learning how to be ourselves essentially and are overly concerned about being pwrcieved as masculine in anyway or not following the proper narrative . I think this is definetly true of me to a degree and probably why passing matters so much to me. Sometimes I'm so focused on trying to meet a standard or ideal rather than focusing on just being and finding myself. It's a fair point and something I've been thinking deeper about lately.
Another thing I hear brought up a lot is my orientation. To be honest, I really don't know how to label it cause it's complicated and confusing to me. It's a topic I've struggled with almost my whole life and something I feel extremely embarrassed about. I guess bisexual is the most accurate as I do go both ways in terms of physical attraction, but I tend to disregard any feelings for women as it's too complicated and I don't know how to process it. My discomfort in being male both socially and physically makes me very uncomfortable with any attraction towards women and leaves me confused with how to handle feelings I couldn't ever act on because of my gender issues and dysphoria. That's why I typically use the gay label because I don't have to worry about the same stuff with dating men. It just seems right as there is no conflict or discomfort surroubdibg it. And when I consider the ideal relationship and what I want when feeling really lonely, I can only envision a male partner and wish I could attract one as embarrassing as it is. So what am I? I really don't know how to answer it.
Nonetheless, whatever label you place down on me, I do wish to make it clear that being transgender has nothing to do with sexual orientation. There are plenty of straight, bi and lesbian transwomen out there. It's about how we percieve our gender and want to be seen, not what we are attracted to.
As for me not having experience outside of online, thats not inaccurate. It's very true that I am still learning about myself and haven't fully experienced what life will be like as a woman. I tend to keep this stuff alone in the safe confines of support groups and my therapist. There is a lot for me to experience and learn still as I have lived a fairly sheltered life. That's a fair point amd something I do need to work out for myself. But its for me to work out and find out. I just dont want to feel judged as i go throufh the process and try to figure all rhis out. You want to ask questions, please ask questions. You have advice, please give advice. I really don't mind discussing this stuff. All I ask is for everyone to be upfront with me.
