Self Acceptance vs Self Love(like)

[Jacqueline]

Greetings all,

I am sorry to bother folks with this. I have been in therapy as of January last year and have my first appointment  with an endo at the end of January. I thought I was doing quite well. I may have been mistaken.

Been less active on this site because my primary business gets very busy and I have little discretionary time without falling asleep.

If you are not familiar with me: I am 51; married for 25 years; three daughters; only just came to accept myself as trans last February/March; out to my wife, oldest daughter, 2 friends and my doctors; wife is pretty supportive.

I have  been running myself ragged. Thought I had myself in a good spot for some down time and then had to continue doing troubleshooting for something that should not be a problem. This always sends me into a dark self introspective mind set. I was feeling low and started writing about all this as therapy. (I was so busy, I had to cancel my last two therapy sessions).

Sorry, I was trying to keep this short. Bottom line is that although I think I have gotten to a point of self acceptance, I realized I have a lot of self loathing very present. I thought in accepting and taking some steps, I had moved beyond that. I was wrong. I was almost egging myself on to suicide on Friday night. Not trying to be dramatic.

Sound familiar? What did you do to overcome this. I have my therapy on Thursday again and will speak with her then. I just am still thinking of myself as monstrous.

Any help would be appreciated. I try to keep my posts positive but it just is not working for me. How do I get to like myself?

At wits(and many other) ends,

Joanna

[Rp1713]

You don't sound monstrous to me at all. On Friday night you reached out to me on one of my posts instilling some faith in me that I was not alone. A couple weeks ago I was in almost as dark of a place as you. It comes and goes with depression, especially when you're dealing with something like this as well and have little Time to focus on yourself due to work etc. you're not a monster. You're not alone, just like you told me.

I was in a dark place like this for a stint a few weeks ago. I've always told myself suicide was not an option but at the time for some reason the idea seemed better and better. I realized that I have tons to live for and have the support of my girlfriend. It sounds like you have some support like that in your corner too. Don't give up yet. We're all stronger than we think, or feel in moments of darkness.


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[Tessa James]

Yes, it sometimes feels like we take a step forward only to back pedal the next day.  I would hope that each step we do take is another block we can step on to see further.  Please remember that you are never a "bother" to us.

I suggest that reinforcement of our self acceptance is continually needed as we face a critical world and our own internalized demons of shame.  It might be nice to have our decisions cut and dried and unquestioned.   But, as people capable of such "self refection" we can still be seduced by the dark side.  The dark side can be too familiar and way easy to slide in to.

Holding my head high and facing unknowns was easier when I accepted that there was no going back.  My genie was finally out of the bottle and I had liberated myself.  Feeling such profound relief rocked my world and let me know how hard I had been working to keep that image of a man going.  But where was he going?  Down to the perpetual swamp of sorrows and apology which is nowhere I want to live.

I believe staying active, being social, maintaining friends and family that are supportive is critical.  Exercise, daily affirmations and music we can rock out and dance to helps me often.

Hang in there Joanna, those old tapes will get shredded with time and experience as yourself.

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

It helps when I alternate between seeing myself as one person and acknowledging him and her as two separate entities.
I am cheating. I always do what makes me/us/him/her feel good, what helps us to overcome adversity and hardship and crap.
We are the best team ever. We combine our forces, comfort each other in our grief, cherish our company, love our strengths, cover for each other over our weaknesses.

We are one.

[Jacqueline]

I thank you all.

Your words are more than kind. There are times I think I don't deserve that kind of support. I think I was not so clear in what I am asking.

I may not have been looking for assurance of my worth. However, I might have written it that way for just such a reason and fooled myself. I seem skilled at fooling myself.

I think what I am asking is how do I like myself. Self love seems to be needed to love others and the world around us. I am too quick to advise others without really being in a situation that knows enough to do so. How do I love myself when I can't even like myself. I never did before. I want to be able to but just see possibilities and time slipping by. What does one do to achieve that?

I am sorry. This is all too much for a forum really.

I love you all and the support you provide here.

Joanna

[Jacqueline]

I am sorry to keep stretching this out.

I am not looking for pity. My last questions are really what I am looking for help with.

How does one develop a like and eventually love for one self. I think this will be very important in creating a developed and balanced female personality. She is not even a teen at this point. With all the mental damage I have been inflicting on her, I am worried I will not find the love she will need to form well.

Yes I am she but I have hidden so long, I am not entirely  sure who different parts of me are.

Those I recognize, and the current physical body; I don't like, on the best of days.

Any suggestions for finding a way to move ahead? Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Please. I need help.

Joanna

[Kylo]

Sound familiar? What did you do to overcome this.

I finally realized, after growing up and interacting with many people, that nobody - NOBODY on this planet - is by default better or more worthy than I am. I'm talking on a fundamental level of existence and humanity. When I started out in life I was timid, oppressed, and I thought everyone else around me must know 3,000 times better the ways of the world while I was an awkward fool who could barely keep my feet, and therefore obviously, everyone else was much better and more worthy of life than me.

Fast forward my lifetime and I saw what people are really like. How they may disappoint, do stupid or selfish things, be hypocrites, ignore good advice, how behind the facade of confidence they may actually be enormous cowards or awful people and use bullying to assuage their fears... in the end, I saw so much of this I realized there was no justification for my self-hatred. Particularly because from day one I was striving to be better and better, falling and picking myself up again, falling and trying again. How can everyone else be automatically better? I'm not saying I am better than anyone else - but I'm sure no worse, and at least I try, unlike MANY people I know. I know many who do not think for themselves, do not strive for a better life, or just use other people in cruel ways to make themselves feel better, and I guess my value system is based on admiring those qualities in a person that can overcome... rather than wallow in misery, since I experienced that as a child and a teenager and noticed it got me nowhere at all.

So - look at your good points. And look at everyone else. It's a start.

I don't like my body, but my mind has finally - after many years of trial and error - become its own best friend. You are and always should be your own best friend. Nobody else will be closer to you than you. And ask yourself. Do you really want to destroy yourself? Or do you want to live? And enjoy living? I found that buried under much suicidal rumination, depression, anxiety and self-disgust there was still an unshakeable desire to live - and an anger that I wasn't living the way I should be. I put the anger to use, as creative and competitive drives. Slowly I began learning new skills and setting goals, and as I achieved them, I gathered more and more confidence in my ability to problem solve. The ability to problem-solve is the ability that unlocks all other abilities - have that and you'll be able to do anything.

So in short, you need two things - to realize that unless you're some kind of axe murderer that you are not really a monster and no worse than anybody else, because holy **** do other people have flaws galore. And second, you need to build confidence in yourself by setting goals and moving toward them. That's how you'll find peace with yourself. Knowing that you're doing everything you can to be the best you can be, and thinking as thoroughly and carefully as you can about all of it.

[Jacqueline]

I finally realized, after growing up and interacting with many people, that nobody - NOBODY on this planet - is by default better or more worthy than I am. I'm talking on a fundamental level of existence and humanity. When I started out in life I was timid, oppressed, and I thought everyone else around me must know 3,000 times better the ways of the world while I was an awkward fool who could barely keep my feet, and therefore obviously, everyone else was much better and more worthy of life than me.

Fast forward my lifetime and I saw what people are really like. How they may disappoint, do stupid or selfish things, be hypocrites, ignore good advice, how behind the facade of confidence they may actually be enormous cowards or awful people and use bullying to assuage their fears... in the end, I saw so much of this I realized there was no justification for my self-hatred. Particularly because from day one I was striving to be better and better, falling and picking myself up again, falling and trying again. How can everyone else be automatically better? I'm not saying I am better than anyone else - but I'm sure no worse, and at least I try, unlike MANY people I know. I know many who do not think for themselves, do not strive for a better life, or just use other people in cruel ways to make themselves feel better, and I guess my value system is based on admiring those qualities in a person that can overcome... rather than wallow in misery, since I experienced that as a child and a teenager and noticed it got me nowhere at all.

So - look at your good points. And look at everyone else. It's a start.

I don't like my body, but my mind has finally - after many years of trial and error - become its own best friend. You are and always should be your own best friend. Nobody else will be closer to you than you. And ask yourself. Do you really want to destroy yourself? Or do you want to live? And enjoy living? I found that buried under much suicidal rumination, depression, anxiety and self-disgust there was still an unshakeable desire to live - and an anger that I wasn't living the way I should be. I put the anger to use, as creative and competitive drives. Slowly I began learning new skills and setting goals, and as I achieved them, I gathered more and more confidence in my ability to problem solve. The ability to problem-solve is the ability that unlocks all other abilities - have that and you'll be able to do anything.

So in short, you need two things - to realize that unless you're some kind of axe murderer that you are not really a monster and no worse than anybody else, because holy **** do other people have flaws galore. And second, you need to build confidence in yourself by setting goals and moving toward them. That's how you'll find peace with yourself. Knowing that you're doing everything you can to be the best you can be, and thinking as thoroughly and carefully as you can about all of it.

Thanks for the response. I don't see myself as and axe murderer. I just feel a magnified image of my flaws and still shame that I thought I had beaten into place.

I guess the idea of starting with the good parts is pretty good for a start. I still feel like I need more help/advice to get beyond that start. I know there are a number of "good parts" (I hope it does not sound conceited). However, my self perception seems strong enough to out weigh the good. How can I be this old and clever and not know how to do this?

Thanks again,

Joanna