The right path?

[thorhugs]

I am posting here mostly to remind myself that this is, in fact, the right path for me. More and more lately I've been having serious doubts. Mostly due to a lack of progress and needing to wait for things. Despite the progress made already, the current stall has me in a serious state of "what if I'm wrong?"

In coming out to myself, I was able to strip away a lot of baggage that I didn't even really consider to be a problem at the time. Only after I was able to put it down did I realize what I'd been carrying. Emotional, social, and physical issues that I had carried with me for 20 or so years started to resolve in the span of a month.

I was able to come to terms with a lot of other things. Admitting I might have an eating disorder (yet to be confirmed by a professional). Handling an incredibly messy break-up. Finally having an idea of what my future self might be. Losing nearly 20 lbs in about 2 months just by adjusting my diet. Confidence unlike anything I've had in my entire life. Over all taking waaaay better care of myself than I have ever done.

And still, there's that little voice saying "But what if you were wrong from the start? What if you're doing all of this and it's the wrong way?"

I just need to keep ignoring it until February. Which is when my insurance kicks in. And I can start trying to find a therapist.

[Ms Grace]

There's nothing wrong nor unusual about doubts. It's pretty common and understandable too... there is so much at stake in transition, we have a sense of what we might lose but the things we might gain are not so clearly defined. Plus society is so heavily geared towards a binary cis gender experience it can be hard to see ourselves through that fog.

[Dena]

I had doubt right up to the moment of reassignment surgery but not after. We now know that the feelings you have will always remain with you if you don't receive treatment. This simplifies the decision to will I be better off if I transition? The answer to that question is RLE. If living in the new gender role makes you more comfortable in life, then you have your answer.

The doubt you have is a good thing because it means you are questioning everything and are less likely to make a mistake. I think you will make the right decision when the time comes.

[LordKAT]

While I have never doubted that transition was the right path for me, I have doubted on whether I can do it successfully. Those doubts usually hit me when I had to wait for the next step or that interminably feeling time between first appointment with therapist and HRT letter, the wait from first dose to visible changes, (especially facial hair). Doubts aren't unusual at all. It gives us time to think on what we are doing and why. Maybe it is just a way for you to sort out things. The fact that you are eating better and taking care of yourself is a plus no matter where you go from here.

[jlaframboise]

This is weird because I have been having these doubts, too. Even though I'm almost 6 months on Testosterone I still get a little voice in my head saying those "is this really what you want for the rest of your life?" Yes it is. We can't let those little voices doubt the progress we are all constantly making. You're doing great and I'm proud of you man.

[Kylo]

"What if I'm wrong?" is a sentiment that has always been with me in every aspect of life. It's why I'm an agnostic and not an atheist or a theist.

But eventually you learn that well, so what if you are wrong? You'll pick up the pieces and start back on the path to what feels right. That's the only guide, really. What feels right. No-one else can tell you the answer.

[Peep]

I think about it in the sense of things I've been wrong about before. Relationships or my degree (not quite the same as transitioning but what is???) This doesn't feel that way - where I really subconsciously knew that I was doing the wrong thing and ignored it. If you think about going backwards and that feels wrong too - it seems like even odds that you picked the right direction...

It sounds pessimistic, but I find the thought that I'm screwed no matter what I do pretty freeing :p lol

[meatwagon]

i'm sure we all have doubts when it comes to big, life-altering decisions.  just stop and consider where your questions are coming from.  i started wondering if i was making the right decision, but looking back on it, i was really just afraid that things wouldn't turn out.  "what if I try to do this but I am unsuccessful" comes out as "should I really be doing this?"  i am the kind of person who likes always having options.  i like having a backup plan, but i realize with some things i just have to decide to take a risk.  but i agree that the best way to look at the question is to try to imagine how you'd feel about taking a different path.  compare that to how you feel about this one, and how you felt about things that did turn out to be mistakes, as well as things that turned out well.

[thorhugs]

Thank you everyone. I need to remember that just cause I'm not completely adjusted to everything yet doesn't mean I'm wrong. It's a very long process that takes time. Not a switch you flip. While I'm still not quite ready to start using the men's room, I would never want to backtrack. That's an important thing to remember, thank you Peep. Back is very clearly a NO.

I'm sure once I come out at work, a lot of the doubts will quiet down. Splitting time between Colin and my old name is not fun at all. But I've started talking to HR about it. So that will happen eventually.

As for where it's coming from, I think it's really just my old hesitations about changing myself in general. I was talking with a friend of my recently who went through a different but similar experience. He was saying that when we try to mask our true selves, it makes everything more difficult. Even if you're not doing it consciously, trying to keep up the facade is incredibly difficult because it's ultimately fragile.

Maybe my doubts are just old habits from that. Or depression, which winter in Oregon always triggers. Or the unfamiliarity of it all. I have a lot to learn and figure out still. It's all very daunting. But I've tackled big things before. I just need to not give up.

[Kylo]

I think my surety in this matter just comes from the fact that I've never felt comfortable anyway.

Even if I'm wrong, I won't have left a 'comfortable place' (or identity) to end up in an uncomfortable place. It'll be a new place, if nothing else, and even if it's still uncomfortable. I'm prepared for it to be as uncomfortable as I feel right now, but hopefully, it won't be... and will actually be an improvement.

Honestly I can only shrug to myself about my situation and ask why not? The only reason why not would be if I wanted to continue on along this road that is not the one I want to be on, and as Trinity says in the Matrix, "you know where that road goes, you know exactly where it ends." Some people might feel better knowing the road and where it ends, but I don't. The thought I'll die on that road isn't one I'm happy with.

Sure, I feel uncertainty about the details... but really, the details aren't so important. I'll figure out using the bathroom and the clothes, speech and mannerisms and whatever else. I don't have to change into somebody else, I just have to relax. 

[November Fox]

Colin,

Thanks for posting because I also struggle with doubts, and like you (and many others) also playing the Waiting Game. Back when I realized I felt more male (about 7 months ago) it was like this huge answer to a lot of problems in my life and just like in your case, I started to resolve a lot of old problems.

There's nothing wrong nor unusual about doubts. It's pretty common and understandable too... there is so much at stake in transition, we have a sense of what we might lose but the things we might gain are not so clearly defined.

This is very helpful. I hadn´t thought of it this way - I just thought that having intense doubts somehow showed that I wasn´t resolved enough.

As for where it's coming from, I think it's really just my old hesitations about changing myself in general. I was talking with a friend of my recently who went through a different but similar experience. He was saying that when we try to mask our true selves, it makes everything more difficult. Even if you're not doing it consciously, trying to keep up the facade is incredibly difficult because it's ultimately fragile.

Maybe my doubts are just old habits from that. Or depression, which winter in Oregon always triggers. Or the unfamiliarity of it all. I have a lot to learn and figure out still. It's all very daunting. But I've tackled big things before. I just need to not give up.

This is so familiar  I tend to question myself more than I should (for me, related to a messed up upbringing and parents questioning and rejecting every single corner of my identity). Also yes, winter. The most depressing time of the year. I´m looking forward to the end of February, need more daylight!

The naggging, questioning voices may be tenacious, so is the voice that says: nope, I´m not going back.

If you ever feel like you need it you´re welcome to PM me!