pausing hrt until I am divorced

[Amoré]

I hate my psych 

My mind is playing bad guilt trips and stupid hope tricks on me.
I am contemplating staying of hrt until I am divorced.
I am not someone that wants to sacrifice my marriage to be a woman I am one of those people that will hold out until I have no more breath left.

I don't know why she did not go to a lawyer yet after 5 months of wanting to divorce me why did she not do it yet? This is really skrewing around with my head! Because why strech it so long? She keeps on telling me this is her choice and that is what she will do but she don't get that far.

I can't just dump her I still love her so much and love makes me silly. I wish I could know what the future really hold but at this stage I am confused like nothing on earth. If I had an divorce letter I would be much more content in my choise to transition. I will admit my love and marriage is my only stumbling block.

This is the thing I dont think I would be able to find peace with myself if I don't know I did absolutely everything to save my marriage. Once I know well I tried my best I showed her everything I could and she still leaves me then I can say right I am taking the steps

I hope this is the right choice for me it is maybe my only option now for peace

[Dena]

You are hoping your wife will make the decision for you and she may not. She may think she can control you by not giving you the divorce. Legally the person who files the divorce sometimes is at a bit of a disadvantage. It's also possible your wife may refuse to face reality and thinks this may all go away if she ignores it.

Marriage consoling might be in order or a joint visit to your therapist. If the marriage can be saved will be for your wife to determine and other than getting her into therapy, there is little you can do to change her mind. This could stretch out into years if you allow it to and I don't think you will be able to wait it out. At this point you need to take care of yourself and put the decision about the marriage on your wife.

[Mariah]

We all have to way our choices and which ones are best for us. Your choice to wait is totally understandable. You love her so much your willing to put it on hold and I can understand and respect that. Do know that she might never the make the decision for you so if you do decide to go back on HRT you might be back right where you are now. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[Asche]

I hope you are consulting with a matrimonial lawyer.  If things do go bad, now is the time to find out what your options are and to take precautions (a month ago would be even better )  And it's not generally true that the one who files is at a disadvantage.  I wasn't.  (Being married to someone who wanted to put up every possible roadblock was.)

Note that seeing an attorney does not mean that you are necessarily planning to divorce.  I think any good attorney would rather see your marriage succeed than preside over its destruction.  But knowing your options will make you feel less helpless and may put your fears in perspective.

[Cindy Stephens]

Amore
Your name kind of says it all and I don't blame you for not wanting to lose it.  I was divorced twice by the age of 24 and can tell you that each one changes you, in some way.  After a dating men and a long term gay relationship I finally found a woman who loves me for who I am, not in spite of it.  That is very rare and we have been together for 31 years.  It does get better.  You seem to be young, and don't seem to have children.  That does make it easier, but not painless. 
However, what will you do if you "butch" it up but she still has a problem with the very idea in your head?  You will never get rid of that.  With some sort of acceptance from her you might make compromises of some sort.  Love is too rare to throwh away, but like the rose it needs to be fertilized to bloom.  It takes two to keep it watered and fed.  You seem to be saying that it is a chore that you will do, probably a response to how you were raised and a problem of male socialization.  I applaud you for wanting to do everything you can to preserve it.  No one else can understand what you are going through.  But just perhaps, in this situation, if she finally formally serves the papers you will go through the stages of grief and go on to the "right" situation for you. Maybe it would be a blessing to you both if you pressed the issue and she would be free also. 

[Amoré]

This is the hard part I don't they think she really want to lose her husband.I would like to give her that husband. We have a two year old girl also that is the cutest thing under the sun. I really love my wife. That is the problem I can't force her to stay I was trying to do it.

I know the outcome of her leaving is going to be me transitioning. That is a definite fact but for now pausing my transition seeing where things may go between us brings me relieve in another way not from dysphoria but from losing the love of my life. If I have to choose between love and transitioning I would choose love my actual name is Amoray that comes from amore it is only an afrikaans translation.

I love my wife and would do anything for her really I mean anything even if it costs my happiness with who I really am. I am only 28 and still stupid maybe.

[Dena]

You appear to have made a decision but something you need to keep in mind going forward. People lose lovers and they get over it. It may take months or years but they do get over it. Dysphoria doesn't get any better and tends to get worst without treatment. Some people can contain the discomfort for years but is a spouse who will not take your needs into consideration somebody who is deserving of the love you have?

I wouldn't call you stupid but you are facing one of the most difficult decisions you may ever make in your life. Your future is riding on it and what ever decision you make, you will have to live with for a long time to come. We can help you define the argument but only you can make the decision.

[JoanneB]

You said "pausing HRT" and implied it's been 5 months since dropping the T-Bomb. How long, if at all on HRT? Or just pausing your plans to get on it?

It has been over 6 years since I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife. To this day I occasionally hear the "I did not marry a woman" line. Never divorce though, not immediately. That was more dependent on me, how far I plan on taking things, and her feelings about the 'Us' as I likely change. To put it another way, my wife always was and still is supportive, to a point. That point a moving target every bit as much as my feelings and circumstances have changed and are changing. Taking on the trans-beast for real has had the side effect of making me a far better and far happier person to be around though I still present and live primarily as male.

Perhaps your wife, though not very supportive it sounds, is taking a wait and see attitude and perhaps also seeing some positive changes in you as a person?

[cindianna_jones]

It sounds like you are ambivalent. Never let someone else make a decision for you. You'll get screwed. You'll let her roll all over you. You'll come out on the bad end of a financial split. I know what it means to love someone and hold out all hope. I've done it twice and in both relationships, I lost way too much. Additionally, am at an age where finding a new life partner is quite unlikely. So... I'm saying don't do as I do here. It doesn't work.

Cindi

[Amoré]

You said "pausing HRT" and implied it's been 5 months since dropping the T-Bomb. How long, if at all on HRT? Or just pausing your plans to get on it?

I have been four months on HRT all together I paused it in between 3 and 4 months also for a month and a half.
I dropped the T-Bomb more than a year ago.  One of the worst days of my life. Well this is the big thing with pausing I mean stop totally if I can save my marriage.

Dysphoria doesn't get any better and tends to get worst without treatment. Some people can contain the discomfort for years but is a spouse who will not take your needs into consideration somebody who is deserving of the love you have?

I wouldn't call you stupid but you are facing one of the most difficult decisions you may ever make in your life. Your future is riding on it and what ever decision you make, you will have to live with for a long time to come. We can help you define the argument but only you can make the decision.

That is the one thing I fear that I am fine now but once testo floods me will it return how will I cope.I did not do to well the previous try. With the spouse not taking my needs into account that  is a hard cookie! Well she does take some of my needs into account but it is hard expecting of her to stay with me as a woman if I transition she is not even okay with me wearing woman's underwear.She is not attracted to woman. If we can manage to put things back together this brings me to difficulty coping with dysphoria as anything I do that will be out of the normal gender role will put doubt in her mind.

The most difficult decision of my life this I will absolutely agree on. If I must listen to my therapist the best will be to move on and become my authentic self. I just can't get over losing her. Not waking up under the same roof as my daughter each day and missing so much of seeing her grow up. That is one of my biggest barriers I can start a new family as he female me and really take my place as a mother but I love my family that I have now. So my real trouble is what I want to go to bed to as does not match with who I want to go to bed with and what she want to go to bed to with.

[Qrachel]

Hi Amoré:

I might suggest that whatever your wife's motives are or aren't, you can't put them before your well-being.  Given the history here it's unlikely that you'll get it figured out without a huge cost to you emotionally and physically in the near-term.  She may not know either. 

Sooo, so for this and other reasons making pretty big decisions just now, like going off/on with HRT, isn't something that's going to necessarily help and may create other major issues.  Go slow; talk this over with your psych/medical team (PMT) and do so regularly.  As time passes your views will shift.  How much and in which direction?  Time will tell.

I hoping if you will take on a little more  stability with less concern for the future beyond today and tomorrow, and that might make more common and therapeutic sense.  Only you may know for sure but I'll go so far as to suggest you may not be the best judge of that without the support of your PMT.  Give final decisions some time.

There is bright side here and that is you are sharing regularly - that's terrific and shows you care a lot about yourself and others.  Of course, we here on the site care too!  Why?  Well, you are a special and beautiful person who is facing one of life's biggest mysteries, and you continue to do so.  That's inspiring to others and us.

Please take care, love yourself, and begin the process of worrying less; worrying makes no difference at all in the outcome.  It's easy to say this and harder to do, but you are able to do so if you can make the little things occurring moment to moment important, even to the point that they become part of your plan for today and tomorrow.  Keep it simple: if you like to walk go on one; if cooking is something that interests you then cook; and so on.  Those things then become the important things in your life as they should be.  We forget that in time of stress how it's the little things that make a pathway for the big ones.

I know this probably all sounds silly, nuts, off the rails, etc., but truly my dear when I say simple I do mean it.  When I started doing that I began to get little snippets of time back in my life that were normal and satisfying.  They weren't big life events but I didn't need anymore of them on my event horizon; he||, I had plenty of those already and so do you.

Hope this helps and I'm sending you and yours my love,

Rachel