Questions abound!

[sk1981]

For the first time in my 38 years of my life I have started researching FTM transitioning and seriously considering making some changes.

First let me say that I am female but have always had the curiosity of what it would be like to be a male.  I remember times when I was younger that I would fall asleep praying to God to allow me to wake up male.  I was a full blown tomboy and choose to dress like a male.  When I graduated from high school those thoughts and feelings seemed to subside some.  I began to wear more feminine clothing and identify more as a woman.  I moved to another state and started life as an adult on my own.  I am and always have been sexually attracted to men however whenever I would think about women sexually I would shut myself down.  I never dared attempt to try dating a woman, for many reasons that I won't discuss now, but in all reality I never really found any women in my surroundings attractive enough to really go for it.  I am not biased as I fully support same sex relationships.

I met and married my husband several years ago and presently have no desire to divorce him or to end our relationship.  We are even attempting to have children.  However I have created and identified myself online with another profile that I identify as a man and allow myself to really immerse myself in this reality of being a man.  I have chatted with several women online first posing as a man however that felt a little catfishy so I began telling them the reality of my situation.  Most of them jumped ship however one continues to talk with me.  For the first time in my life I have sexual attraction with another woman (let me be clear here when I say this woman lives in another town and I have never been face to face with her) and this want to become a man has resurfaced full force to the point where I have started researching top and lower surgery costs and procedures.  I am starting again to strongly want to identify male and have a life as a man.  I have looked into packers and prosthetics to purchase to see how it would feel to have that additional appendage on my body.

Weird thing is I still do not want to leave my husband or to end our marriage.  I of course would never transition to a man as he would not stick around and be with me but I am starting to feel stifled in a woman's body.  I have noticed that him and I bicker and fight more than we ever did before.  I want to spend time talking to this woman online versus spending time talking to my husband.  I feel very much like I am having an affair of the heart and that isn't fair to my husband.  However I know if I attempted to talk to my husband about any of this he would feel betrayed and hurt and it would cause even more problems.  Because of this I keep it all bottled up with no one I can really talk to about this.  I can feel myself becoming more unhappy and my thoughts of being a man and starting a life with a woman seems to consume me.

Can anyone else identify with this situation?  What did you do to help out?  Did anyone find talking to a gender therapist beneficial?  Any help would be appreciated.

[j.d79]

Recently despite being in a relationship,I went online and began living vicariously through the world wide Web, sometimes it caused more damage than good but I think if your not going to leave your husband no matter who you meet,then it's a good way to express yourself,give yourself release. As long as your being honest. What harm can it do?
I too am around your age bracket,and have only within the last 8months started being who I want to be..
I hope one day no matter who it's with you can do the same

[j.d79]

I've followed you in case you'd like to pm me..

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

[LordKAT]

Hi and welcome to Susan's.

I think talking to a gender therapist would be a great idea for you. You do not have to end a relationship because of how you feel. Sometimes little things can help relieve those feelings, such as boy style hair cut or wearing boxers.


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