My Husband came out as MTF and wants HRT, will we make it?

[partnerspossibly]

I'm looking for answers and I'm not sleeping and I can't get this out of my head, when I should be thinking about christmas and mailing cards and buying gifts I'm dealing with this . To share, My husband and I have been married for 17 years, we have children and our marriage is good and bad at times like most peoples.  In early November he came out to me and told me about his secret and I'm shocked and not sure what to make of it and I have been reading to try and understand. Youtube, ->-bleeped-<-, amazon, now here.

So he said he has to have HRT and it is the next step for him and he cried while reading a letter to me, which I just sat there in dis belief that this was happening.  I don't work and so I'm more blown away than ever. Racing through my mind was concern for him, then fear of losing him, then anger, then fear and around and around.

Now...I'm trying to get my head around what intimacy will be like for us if he starts HRT.  He will be a woman... and I'm a woman and from my understanding it will change sex dynamics. He says that he is a lesbian and HRT will not change his desire. I'm skeptical, I like sex and can't live with out it to be blunt.

I love him, he is my friend and I can see myself possibly working through this and staying with him but I'm also concerned he will start liking guys. He(she now?) swears that this won't happen but has mentioned that pegging is of interest to him. I'm adventurous, we already use plugs to help his orgasms be stronger so.. OK....But seriously am I about to lose my partner, is this destined for divorce and should I get off this ship while I can. AND where do I go if I should, I don't work and a professional house wife.

Thanks for candid responses to this crazy situation, which I can't get out of my head.

[Cindy]

Hi and Welcome to Susan's,

I am so sorry this has been sprung on you. It is so hard to deal with and sadly I as a MtF trans sexual have a great deal of trouble  understanding the dynamics of such revelations.
Yes some marriage do survive, and communication is critical. Constant communication. You have your rights as a partner in the relationship - as does she. But understanding of your concerns should be paramount in her mind no matter the changes she goes through.

In general after going on HRT most MtF lose the ability to sustain an erection and sexual urges tend to change to that of cisfemales.  Obviously if she decides upon surgery etc then more profound changes occur.

I presume your partner is seeing a therapist. I think it is important that both of attend therapy sessions to get an understanding of how the relationship may change.

You are most welcome here and we do have a Significant Others area that I shall give you access to so that you can talk to others in the same situation.

My heart goes out to you in this difficult time.



Please check out the following links for general site info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. HRT will not change ones sexual orientation or the desire they feel for another person. In some people the transition process may remove the social inhibitions and they will discover they have been bisexual all along. If you partner express a strong desire to remain with you, it is very likely you will remain together as long as you desire it. There will need to be adjustments in you relationship but it can work. I would suggest both of you seek joint therapy because you will need to define the new relationship and then both of you will need to agree to it. I hope you find common ground and remain together.

[blueconstancy]

Welcome! About half of all couples do stay together through transition, and I've spent years talking to spouses in your situation and I've found that the majority managed to make it work. It is definitely possible, especially as long as love and communication are still there. Also, most trans women who are involved with someone don't seem to lose attraction to that person (so long as there aren't other major problems in the relationship), so while there are no guarantees, it's likely that your husband will indeed be sexually interested in you. HRT can make some things a little more challenging in the bedroom, but it can also mean that he will have to find better ways to please you.

My wife came out to me after we'd been together for 14 years and married for 9, and that was about six years ago now. I had many of the same fears you did, and transition was a hell of a ride for both of us, but we came through it stronger and happier than ever.

[Shandril]

Im so glad you came here for support i wish my wife would do the same.

I am similiar to your husband, i am also a trans lesbian in a sense. I did kind of experiment a bit with guys but honestly im more attracted to women and trans women.

We have two sons and are going for a third hopefully before the effects of hrt sterility kick in ( i havent begun hrt yet still waiting)

I love my wife and kids more than anything in the world and honestly if i had to choose them or transition i wouldnt hesitate to stop, i just asked her to please not make me choose.

Support your husband, find him a therapist and maybe find one yourself for solo and couple therapy. Your marriage is worth it, like you said no marriage is perfect they all take work.

Youll probably never truely understand the depths of despair that transpeople face throughout their lives, the constant fear of rejection socially and professionally that makes suffering in silence preferable to most until they simply cannot take it anymore.

The bedroom stuff is totally normal youd be surprised how main straight men enjoy penetration to some degree.

I would talk to your husband and ensure he intends to be faithful and if so work together, if not youll probably always be his best friend which isnt bad either.

Its very difficult for me to relate as im still picking my wifes brain lol, she kinda goes through stages where shes really cool and we have a girls night with makeup, polish etc.. And then theres nights like last night where i came downstairs dolled up with a wig and she was a total b#tch for some reason haha

Its a long journey and it has the potential to actually strengthen your relationship, my wife loves when we go shopping now because im actually engaged in conversations and opinions on her outfits.

Im not going to go full time and maybe he shouldnt either who knows thats up to him i guess, im just at a stage in my life now where ive comitted to a marriage and children as a man and i will own it by following through publicly as a man.

I plan on getting hrt to soften up my facial features, grow some boobs which can be concealed easily enough and level out the thoughts in my head.

From what i understand its still possible to get an erection after long term hrt, the majority of people i asked i deducted that if you continue to have an active sex life throughout treatment its not much of a problem. Those that have more genital dysphoria, lack sex drive or simply dont have a partner to have sex with often are those that find it more difficult to obtain and or maintain erections.

Everyones body is different and ive been heavily looking into posts from a non bias point of view to gather research prior to my hrt, if you like you can message me once you get 15 posts here and maybe i could open a communication for you with my wife as well, your not alone!

~Shan~

[AbbyKat]

Hi!  I just wanted to lend a voice from a transwoman whose marriage not only survived, but was practically healed, and now thrives, because of transition.

When my wife (of 15 years) understood everything, she was finally able to realize why she felt like she never knew me and that I always seemed like a shell, living vicariously through a masculine persona I had developed throughout my life.  She also finally understood many of the issues we had in the past.

Fortunately for me, she was a psych major and understood (on a scientific level) what was going on with me better than I did.  This meant we didn't have to go through the period of her not understanding the reality behind gender dysphoria and that left us with trying to figure out what our marriage would truly mean going forward.

Your Sexuality:
I read once that marriages with the transwoman coming out during the marriage have a far better chance of survival if the cisgender wife is either bisexual, or a low sex drive.  Luckily, this ended up being liberating for my wife, as well, since she has always been attracted to women.  We are able to be intimate without having to include my genitalia (which has always been something I hated doing). 

Their sexuality:
Your spouse's sexuality may or may not change (be revealed, more accurately) but they would be the best judge in that.  If they are very attracted to you now, that is unlikely to change.  Mine broadened a bit but nothing even compares to my attraction towards my wife.

Culture and past enculturated limitations:
How much of your world view is based on limitations placed on your understanding as a child and growing up?  How much of your wold view is based on your own personal wisdom and logic?  This could be a total game changer as some people have been so indoctrinated by religion or backwards values that they are unable to look at an issue realistically or through an objective and scientific lens.  You seem to be alright in that department since you came to Susans in the first place.

Your spouse's patience:
This one places the accountability equally in their lap and yours.  Your spouse needs to be able to understand that, while they have been dealing with this for decades, you are quite new to the situation and may not adjust as quickly.  This organic flow and willingness to make baby steps is important for both of you.  Remember, YOU are also making a transition here and it is a transition which accommodates treatment for a health issue of your spouse.  That is a strong and important act of love that needs appreciation and respect just as much as your spouse does. 

Therapy:
If either of you have a stigma against therapy, now is a good time to reconsider.  Everybody could benefit from therapy so it's not like it is only for people having problems.  It will be practically required for your spouse but it helps if you see their therapist at least a couple of times, as well.


Beyond that, there are just details but those are the major themes it seemed we had to experience.  Feel free to ask me anything. 

[Tessa James]

Hello from another transgender woman that has a supportive partner and over 42 years together.  My partner knew about my cross dressing and transgender issues for decades and actually helped me come out. 

You sound like a very capable and caring person and one who already deals with adventure in her life.  If we leave the gender labels out of it, this is simply a person you love and they remain whatever the presentation or changes you go through together. 

I urge you to keep heart and hang on for a magical ride.  No doubt there are challenges ahead but what's new about that for people with a long term relationship, children and more?  You can make it work if your love persists and your relationship is nourished by both of you.

[cheryl reeves]

you can survive but it takes work,boundries,and compromises and alot of tears,i know me and my wife are still fighting to stay together after 27 yrs. i told her i was a transvestite before we got serious in 1989 and she was fine with that,i kept it to lingerie and secret dressing til 2000 when the closet door blew off and i fully revealed i was transexual/transgender we talked for 3 days straight and got it all out,then she burnt the damn closet down so i could not go back,one compromise we agreed to was no hrt,i have my own natural breasts and i love our sex life so agreed to that..right now she is away til jan 4th when i go get her and have had freedom to dress more and she knows i am as long as i dont go too far outside the house,she likes too go with me as my wing woman..you can make it work but it takes both parties to make it work,if one partner is selfish and makes it about them then it won't work..hope this helps

[sparrow]

will we make it?

Yeah, you got this.

Your partner's sex drive will probably change (different, not necessarily less).  Before I started HRT, my sex drive was kinda scary to me -- I felt like I was offered the slightest opportunity, I'd cheat on my partner (thankfully, nobody offered); respecting boundaries required my full attention and willpower; I had trouble looking women in the eye if they were wearing low-cut tops; I had trouble telling the difference between women in high school and women in college; I wasted a lot of time masturbating... every single one of these things has changed and I have an easier time living the morality that I believe in (masturbation is not a moral issue to me, but it was an annoying timesink).

After I started HRT, my sex drive seemed to crash down to zero.  In truth, it didn't... I just didn't know what to listen for.  This is true for many of us -- testosterone is insistent in a way that estrogen is not.  How often do you have sex, where your partner finishes and just rolls over?  How often does the opposite happen?  On estrogen, your partner may be satisfied by non-orgasmic sex.  This is more common in lesbian relationships -- one partner will please the other, and both will be satisfied; maybe they'll switch up next time.  After about 4 months of HRT, my wife and I are having a similar amount of sex as before -- the difference is that I almost never feel a need to masturbate.

So, as the hormones start taking effect, you have some little surprises in store -- you might like some of the changes to your partner's body.  Erectile dysfunction is a possible side effect of HRT, but viagra can fix that.  If they develop significant "bottom dysphoria" (that is, discontent with their genitals) then maybe they'll prefer to wear a strap-on in pursuit of fulfilling your needs.  Maybe this isn't ideal for you... both parties need to compromise (not just you).  A good couples counselor will have suggestions for how to navigate this.

One important thing that your partner needs to know is that HRT is only so effective.  And it's slow.  You and your partner should be talking to a therapist or to multiple therapists; your partner needs to have a talk about mitigating expectation with a therapist who is familiar with transgender issues.

[JLT1]

Hi,

Nice first post.  Good questions....tough time for both of you.

I'm trans.  My wife is hetro.  I was her "big strong guy" who could do anything.  I also loved her.  Our marriage was mostly good.  Our dreams were sharred and on the same wavelength.  Then, it got to the point we're I couldn't live in denial anymore.  Our marriage got hit hard.

Fast forward four years.  I had facial surgery so I don't look the same.  I have breasts.  I've been on estrogen for three years and the final surgery is scheduled.  I'm her strong wife who can do anything.  We can even make sex work.  But we are closer than ever. 

There is an advantage to having a transgendered partner.  We understand so much more.

Last night on a bended knee, she gave me a diamond ring to wear with my wedding ring.  I accepted. 

Yea, a marriage can make it.

Hugs

Jennifer

[Peep]

I have this worry too from the opposite side... I try to take trans out of the equation: half of marriages end in divorce anyway. But half also don't, and that's because they want them to work. It sounds like you want your relationship to last and so you're in with a good chance.

My boyfriend and I have more arguments about what to have for dinner or who has to get up and shower first than what gender i am... normal life has a way of lubricating things... and so far the changes have been gradual. Nothing really happens overnight with this. You won't suddenly wake up next to a stranger.

Last night on a bended knee, she gave me a diamond ring to wear with my wedding ring.  I accepted. 

Yea, a marriage can make it.

Hugs

Jennifer

Congrats, that's a lovely story :P

[sparrow]

Last night on a bended knee, she gave me a diamond ring to wear with my wedding ring.  I accepted. 

D'awwwww... that's so sweet!

JLT's post reminds me to say -- I'm my wife's big strong wife who can do anything, too.  I'm the same person.  Your partner will be the same person.  Only happier with theirself.

[JoanneB]

Parts of my wife's initial response to me dropping the T-Bomb were:
"I did not marry a woman"
"I like men and what they have and how they make me feel"
"Rubber just doesn't do it for me"
"I cannot imagine sex with you wearing a strap-on and totally not for me"

So you are far from alone there, as most woman would be. Your other feelings are all normal too. Part of the usual grieving process when loosing a loved one, which is very real right now. The person you felt you loved is saying they are not that person. Coming out to you also changed forever how you see them. There are no do-overs when it comes to this sort of news.

Six years later we are still together. I still present primarily as male. I've been on HRT for much of this time and have a barely B cup. In addition to the above which I still hear I also get "I cannot think of you as my husband with those bumps on your chest". She has gotten mostly past the "Betrayal" aspects, her hot button issue. She still firmly believes the day will come I will drop her for a guy or a maybe a transwoman.

[partnerspossibly]

thanks for the perspectives and the care. we have been talking alot he/she seems happy and i feel lost at a time of year that is already strasful for me. he says we are leabians and im like...ok..wait what?

im fine with what may become ofour sex lives i know vibratora and such work and quite frankly we use them now all the time so that is fine. As suggested i asked him/her if she will stay faithful to me and he said will honor his vows i believe him.

so its now trying to figure out how im gonna tell my mom and dad, my brothers..,our kids...

i told em if he stay together i get what i want the rest of our lives  .  i mena it this is huge.

i want to talk to my friends about this but this would out hiim, i have always told my girlfriend everything. now i, womdering what she will think. she will probably tell,me to get the kids and run...

so.. he doesnt have much hair...and i have been reading wigs and scarves seem to. e the solution to this. and he has a beard...how long will it take to remove it? i mean this is gonna take some time and a lot of money right?

im rambling, he is out getting us food, and im having more wine and  trying to figure this all out.



thanks again i thsnk you for your perspectives

[Peep]

You don't have to ID as a lesbian even if you're in a technically lesbian relationship! There are terms like 'heteroflexible' which i've heard best defined as 'straight but ->-bleeped-<- happens'. Or bisexual could work too. Or even 'no one else's business'

That said, being trans, I find identifying as my correct orientation pretty affirming, so if it's not too weird for you to identify that way with your partner, it wouldn't hurt... just don't feel forced to identify as anything for anyone else's benefit but your own or your relationship's.

[JoanneB]

My wife and I independently came up with a way to talk mostly to vent to others without 'Outing' me (as well as herself). "My husband is (I am) involved with another woman". OK TBH the 'Other Woman' is me but.... does that matter much when you just want to vent?

[Kova V]

Hrt does not change who you love. If they love you and you love them, then you've got a good chance to make it work. Your life will change dramatically and it probably won't be easy, but that's just the way it's going to be.

As far as intimacy goes, you both really need to sit down and have an adult discussion. A few things to know, hrt can make their sex drive drop. This means you might have to woo your partner. Also their ability to "perform" will probably decrease, but there is always Viagra. I don't know how that works with HRT though (ask a doctor).

Things I've noticed about myself being on HRT is that I can get really moody, this may drive you both crazy and may cause a fight or two (or twenty). Ice cream and a movie can fix this.

At the end of the day, it really depends on how much you're willing/able to change. Just be open and communicative with feelings. Bottling up animosity will make your relationship explode in a bad way. It won't work if you want them to be the man you married, they won't be. Things will change but it will be okay.

This is just my two cents on this topic, I really hope it helps. Just remember they will always love you.

[partnerspossibly]

i agree with most of what you are saying i yhink for me it is more about betrayal i feel betrayed and my trust in him is gone. the foundation of our family house is broken right now. and now when i look at him i see someone else there. im so sad.

and i know if i stand back that it is still him, part of me says "we" are no longer the "we" we were.

so my heart it seems is broken, or at the very least damaged  and not the first time so i know the feeling, from past hheart breaks. i know i will mend in time. but not sure how "we" will mend as what we were or had.

tbh i will try to help him be a her, that is love and sacrifice, yet i have told him that we may have to part ways if i cant do it..which i think is fair to them, me, and our children.

for now i will comtinue to read and learn and ask questions if yiu all dont mind.

[BeverlyAnn]

i agree with most of what you are saying i yhink for me it is more about betrayal i feel betrayed and my trust in him is gone. the foundation of our family house is broken right now. and now when i look at him i see someone else there. im so sad.

and i know if i stand back that it is still him, part of me says "we" are no longer the "we" we were.

so my heart it seems is broken, or at the very least damaged  and not the first time so i know the feeling, from past hheart breaks. i know i will mend in time. but not sure how "we" will mend as what we were or had.

tbh i will try to help him be a her, that is love and sacrifice, yet i have told him that we may have to part ways if i cant do it..which i think is fair to them, me, and our children.

for now i will comtinue to read and learn and ask questions if yiu all dont mind.

I'm sorry you feel betrayed but I'm sure there was never any betrayal intended.  Many of us think we love the person we marry so much we can suppress our transgender nature.  We can't.  Oh we can bury it in ourselves for a little while but sooner or later, it's going to come out.  It hurts our families and in most cases, hurting our families hurts us.  You said your trust is gone?  Yet your spouse just trusted you with a secret which has most likely been with him since childhood.  Something never told to another soul.  "'We' are no longer the 'we' we were."  Why?  Did your husband stop loving you or you stop loving your husband? 

Please don't think I'm being critical of you because I'm not.  I'm just giving you some questions to ask yourself but in the end, you have to do what is right for you and the children.  Yes HRT will bring changes and you may find they are changes you cannot live with.  But whatever you do, give your marriage every chance because you might find they are changes you can live with.

[partnerspossibly]

I'm fine with critical comments or not, I'm looking for insight and I'm working on this and between lack of sleep and all the holiday busyness. I slept on the couch last night, and was cold and missing that person next to me . I'm mad at them.

Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't. I ordered some books from amazon (love that store). and to share I was out shopping for my sister and found myself thinking what clothes my husband (wife) would like and what colors would go good with his skin . its weird.