First time in public!

[Jamie_06]

So I found out the local LGBT center was hosting a Christmas party/game night yesterday. Since it was at least theoretically a safe and accepting place and I had no prior history with these people (and thus could make a first impression on them however I wanted), I decided with a lot of internal struggle and talking it over with the people in the chat that the time was finally right. I attended the event as female (wearing a similar outfit to the one in my avatar). That way, a decent sized group of people would know me as female from the beginning and would not have to change a previous image of me.

I drove there wearing guy clothes and keeping my girl clothes in a backpack along the way. I changed right before entering the building, and every step inside was more nervous than the last. The event was actually really fun and everyone was completely accepting. Nobody asked any awkward questions and I basically just hung out and played games with everyone like I normally would. A lot of people slipped up when using pronouns, but I just gently corrected them.In fact, one good part probably wouldn't have happened at all if I was male: While looking for open spots for people playing video games, I caught sight of one girl over by herself. I went over and talked to her for a bit; turns out she was actually trans and very happy to see someone else like her at the event. We played Gauntlet together for a bit and bonded well over that. I really doubt that would have happened if I was presenting as male.

The same group is doing other events throughout the next year, and I can't wait until the next time I can attend one. Being able to go out and interact with people as a girl has made me really happy, and I'm totally up for doing it again.

[Ms Grace]

That's great - having a positive "first time" is always empowering and a confidence builder/booster.

[Anna33]

Congrats Jamie!!!!!!!! big hugs.

[Qrachel]

This is how it starts . . . enjoy.

Rachel

[Devlyn]

I'm glad it went well for you! Thanks for sharing the positive news with us. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jamie_06]

You're welcome, Devlyn.

Some observations on what the evening revealed:

After the initial nervousness wore off, I found myself feeling very comfortable and at ease. In fact, any of the emotional detachedness that would come up when I was male seemed to be gone now.

I definitely felt happier being female than being male.

Every time someone referred to me as "she" or "her" it really felt good.

As with every time I wore girl clothes, I found I did not want to switch back when the night ended; I was really quite disappointed at having to do so.

Despite the above, I did not feel any major dysphoria when working the next day as a guy, and this confused me a lot. If I'm cis, I'm supposed to feel good about being a guy and bad about being a girl, and if I'm trans, I'm supposed to feel bad about being a guy and good about being a girl. Yet I feel more "ok" with being a guy and great about being a girl. Not sure what this means.

I do admit to feeling guilty about having met all these people and introduced myself as female, including asking them to use she/her pronouns, even though I am still questioning and don't fully identify as trans yet. I did say as much to the friends I made there, but still.

All in all, very enlightening though it still raises a lot of questions. Also, the same place is hosting a trans support group meeting this Saturday morning and an LGBT film festival that evening; I plan to attend both as my female self as well.

[Dena]

Congratulations on getting out for the first time. When I first started attending group therapy, I was referred to by female name and pronouns even though it was months before I appeared as female. You are testing the new role and in a safe environment people are polite doing what they can to help you. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

As for the next day, you are still coming off the high from the night before. The memories of the night before will comfort you for a while. Sadly I suspect as you appear more in the feminine role you will become more uncomfortable in the male role. Don't worry as that is normal and to be expected. You will find as long as you are moving forward, you will be comfortable but if you backtrack, you will become uncomfortable.

[Jamie_06]

I wanted to update this to let you know that the same group is meeting again tomorrow for RPG night.

And I've been conflicted about how to present there.  I'd actually backed off on identifying as female for a while because I was afraid my reasons for wanting transition were wrong, that I wasn't uncomfortable with my body so I couldn't be trans, that I still identified with male characters, that I didn't measure up to other trans women's experiences, etc.

So I went back to seeing myself as a cis guy for a few weeks. Yet the fantasies I had about being female kept coming back to me. I couldn't ignore what I was experiencing, and when I was playing Pathfinder yesterday it finally started hitting me again. I liked playing a female character because, on some level, I liked the experience of being female and I liked it when people referred to me as female. As such, I can't simply push this aside again. Whatever my reasons might be, some part of me still wants to be female. And the only way I have right now to confront these feelings is to actually try being female again.

Also, looking at some of Zinnia Jones's stuff has been helping. She seems a lot like me in many ways; transitioned because being female just seemed to fit her better and didn't realize she was experiencing dysphoria until after the fact, and she's non-op and happy with it.

I also think I might have been getting hung up on the idea that I was supposed to either transition completely to 100% female or just keep living as a guy, and any amount of in-between just wasn't possible or would mean I was just a guy with a weird fetish. I could well fit a non-binary identity, and ignoring their existence is likely to damage me further.

So I'm going to tomorrow's event as female, and I will see how it goes. And I will try not to worry about what it means or feel guilty about being either gender afterward.

[rosetyler]

I was wondering about your event tomorrow and how things would play out.  You got this Jamie! 

[Jamie_06]

Well... unlike the first time, which was great, the last three times including this one have all just been sort of "meh."

Like, I feel exactly the same as female as I do male, and maybe a little worse being female even. The emotional conflict is still there. I'm not sure what to make of this. If neither really feels all that great to me... I don't know.

I might try it again to be sure, but it seems like despite all of my fantasies about being female, my odd traits that didn't fit right with being male, feeling great about playing female characters in games, my answer to what would be the perfect body for me... I don't really feel better off as female after all. Whatever is going on with me, I'm not sure being transgender is it.

[Qrachel]

You gotta do what you gotta do . . . nothing more and nothing less!

I hope you go and have a ball girl!

TTFN,

Rachel

[Rp1713]

Well... unlike the first time, which was great, the last three times including this one have all just been sort of "meh."

Like, I feel exactly the same as female as I do male, and maybe a little worse being female even. The emotional conflict is still there. I'm not sure what to make of this. If neither really feels all that great to me... I don't know.

I might try it again to be sure, but it seems like despite all of my fantasies about being female, my odd traits that didn't fit right with being male, feeling great about playing female characters in games, my answer to what would be the perfect body for me... I don't really feel better off as female after all. Whatever is going on with me, I'm not sure being transgender is it.

Jamie don't feel alone. I know exactly how you feel. I've been feeling badly about myself lately and a lot of it has to do with accepting I'm transgender. Deep down I know it's the truth. But I still look for reasons to say it's not so I can convince myself to go back to being a man. At the same time part of me is not allowing me to let it go, because I know it's for the best to face this now, or at least start to.

It's hard for anyone to come to terms with this in general, but it seems particularly hard to when you could fit somewhere in between, and don't necessarily feel like you're in the wrong body... For me it's almost more like feeling I'm living the wrong life if I don't take steps to find myself. I like lots of masculine things sure, but it's time for me to admit that I like a lot of feminine things too, and even like to feel feminine.

So trust me, you're not crazy. I'm going through the same thing you are. What's important for us now is not to get hung up on the "typical" trans storyline, or things like classifications or pronouns, I still would like to know where I land.... But for right now let's just work on learning to love and accept ourselves. Everyone at Susan's is here for you.

Much love,

Ry


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