Hi my name is Roos and im 21 years old. I identify as a mtf transgender. I found this wonderfull place reading other people stories, feeling and experiences similiar to mine and felt the need to tell my own so prepare for a long read. And sry in advance for any grammatical or spelling errors english is not my native language,im not good at writing and its late hour in my country.
As early as the age of 7 i felt different from other boys i liked other things then them. I wanted to play with dolls and makeup (i was always jealous of my sisters dolls) so i tried to play with the girls by teasing them or they would just let me. But as i got older i had to change into what society and my parents expected of me a boy.This included playing sport and with boys toys which i didnt rly care for except gaming. Especially after my mom got rly mad when i was 10 when my sister and her friends dressed me up, put makeup on and did my hair. After that i kept the feelings to myself and never told anyone about them.
As i got into my teenage years the feeling got stronger and i started crossdressing when my family was away to work. I used my mother and sister clothes,makeup and even bought a blonde wig those few ours i felt right and my head was clear. But those moment got fewer and fewer as my mom quit her part time job and was almost always home. The same time i also hit puberty and hormones flooded my body and i started to change, luckly not much i only got a little more muscular and got awfull bodyhair everywhere. But i was still very small and thin so i was pretty neutral about this i didnt like my body but also not hated it. I did hate shopping though everytime i went shopping with my mother i hated it .Because i was shopping for boys clothes i found them boring and dull i wanted to shopp for nice shoes, heels dresses, skirts, jeans, makeup bra's etc so i always just went with what my mother found nice and what i was oke with to wear and got it over quickly.
In those years i also found the internet and started reading and researching about feelings and fantasies i had. I learned alot about transgender crosdressing etc. But most important of all that there were other people like me and that i could become a girl with hormones and srs( i was about 14 years old at the time). I knew about dragqueens and sexchange operations through television but there were mostly being joked about so i perceived it as something bad.I also started exploring my sexuel fantasies about being transformed into a woman and living like one. But even after sexual gratification the feeling about wanting to be a woman stayed i wanted to have breast,a female body, wear pretty dresses,clothes and makeup. So i decided to tell my mother about this i had set a date and prepared everything but never had the guts. I was afraid of the backlash from my family friends and being ridiculed. I also had selfdoubt cause i thought maybe im only a crosdresser i do get aroused by dressing up and thinking about being a woman. So i suppresed the feeling again i told myself lies like these feeling will go away, if you kiss a girl or get a girlfriend etc it will go away( i like girls btw) its not normal im a boy those kind of things.
This went on for a couple a years i manged to cope pretty wel i crossdressed only a couple of times the next years(from 17to 19). I had alot of good friends, school went wel i had a couple of flings with girls never a girlfriend, always to scared to take the next step maybe because they would find out this secret i still had. I liked going out and party with my friends and picking up women. I only thought about the feelings when i was alone , for arousal, or just daydreaming about being a girl. I got my highschool diploma and went to college to a town nearby this was the best place for this study but i never had the incentive to leave my parents. I joined my studyassociation did a couple of things there and made new friends onyl 2 guys and mostly girls this time. My study went well and i had alot of fun with my friends i felt comfortable hanging and going out with girls and felt great being one of them (i was the only guy in this friendgroup) but i never told them about the feelings i still had.
The feelings after i was about halfway through my first year of college started to come back more and more especially after i hanged out with my girlfriends more, and i told myself once you live by yourself we can look into a therapist and maybe transitioning. I also started a halfyear before this point haveing sexual fantasies of me being a woman and having seks with males and females. After i passed the first year my friends and i decided to join a studentfrat/sorority its mixed in my country and convinced me to join also. I made alot of great friends there and joined a frat within this association. I saw my old friends less and less and was pushed into a more masculine surrounding( its more about picking up women and drinking alot i like this but the feelings still where there) and tried one last time to suppress the feelings again and say to myself this will straigthen me out. I almost never crossdressed in my college years did thought about it though. But after about year and after i moved into my own appartment the feeling i suppressed for so long hit me back hard.
That brings me to the present the last year these feelings of wanting to be a woman were becoming more prevelant in my head. Now almost no minute goes by without me wanting to be a woman. I can not walk past a girl and not think about wanting to be her, her outfit, her hair, makeup everything. It started to affect my mental state i was becoming more depressed even though i always have been a upbeat and outgoing person and got frustrated with my self why these thoughts couldnt be suppressed anymore. I also started to dislike my body more and more because its not how i feel inside. And realised i could not be in a serious happy reliationship if i didnt face myself. The sexual fantasies i had also changed over the years in college the were becoming more about me having sex as a full girl with guys and girls then dressing up what was much more prevelant in my earlier years. So i decided to call and apply to a genderdysforia clinic in my country the next few days to start te process of transtioning into becoming a woman.
One last thing my parents are sweetest parents you can have and they always supported me but never spoiled me. And they always said if you ever want to talk about things you can talk to us. They also said if your gay its oke and those kind of things. But i always felt that i would fail them and my family if i became a woman because they always talked me up in the sense of: he is going to college and gets a good job later and had some flings with beautifull girls then there also not many men in my family of my age so i was kinda always talked up to and that make me set a standard for myself what i should become.Thank you for reading this long read but it feels so good to finaly get this of my chest. Plz give me advice and do you think this is the right step for me?
