As I came to terms with my gender identity I started to look to see what I need to do to begin my unmasking. I scared myself so much by going on some of the support groups that I did at first. One of the sites I went to claimed to be the world's largest Transgender website. So here I was thinking that the information I was reading was accurate. People were talking about being on hormones for 2-3 years and they still had very little real life experience. Then after 2-3 years they finally go full time but now they are saying it will still be another 2 years before they pass and no longer get clocked. So here I am feeling like I'm in the valleys of Nepal looking up at Mount Everest. This huge mountain that seemed so insurmountable to me.
A Massive Mountain
Looking at this massive mountain in front of me made me hesitate starting my unmasking. To be looking at 4-5 years before I'll be seen for who I really am really took a toll on my psyche. How can I go that much longer after I've finally found myself? OMG, I'll be 55-56 years old before I'm able to pass. This triggered my dysphoria real bad and I became depressed because I'm thinking that I'm going to wind up on The Jerry Springer show as one of my family members would have me there saying look at this hideous person. I was thinking that being transgender meant I was the scourge of society. My therapist at the time really had to work to keep from trying to harm myself again.
Finally I connected with another transgender/transsexual woman who lived in Oklahoma whose story was very much like mine. Both of us did things in our lives to hide who we were. We both played baseball to a high level. We both had very masculine jobs at one time in our lives. We both had been married with two children and were both now divorced. Here was this larger than like woman to me who in a very polite way slapped me upside the head and told me to wake up. She showed me that there are transgender/transsexual woman in all walks of life. Because of her friendship I was introduced to transgender/transsexual woman who were in construction, the military, fireman, police officers, pilots and every other career you can think of.
All of a sudden that mountain didn't seem so big
And I started to think to myself I can do this. But then fear took over again and worry set in as I started thinking to myself that no doctor is going to think I'm transgender enough. In retrospect I realize this was all me getting in my own way. This was my dysphoria talking again with a strong mix of self-doubt. I spoke again with my therapist and this beautiful soul of a transgender woman I've been talking too and with a renewed confidence I went to my first endocrinologist appointment with my letter for HRT.
I was shaking as I approached the doctor's office. The whole time I was asking myself "is this what you really want"? As long as I kept answering myself with a "yes" I kept on going. I was never so nervous in my life. I'm about to talk about being transgender and wanting to start my unmasking to a total stranger and this stranger has the power to deny me access to HRT. I could barely get my name out when I check in at the front desk. They handed my some forms to fill out and to tell you the truth I'm not so sure any of my writing was legible. I took forever to fill them out because I was struggling to focus enough to think about the information they wanted. After what seemed like two hours filling the forms out I went back to the desk and handed them in along with my insurance cards. After getting my cards back I went back and sat down to wait the longest wait of my life.
Just Like That
A door opened up and a nurse came out and called my name. I about wet my pants right there. My heart was pounding I thought everyone could hear it beating. All of a sudden I wasn't breathing or at least it seemed like I was wasn't. My mouth was dry and I had a hard talking. I know where all my saliva went. Right to my hands and armpits. You would have thought it was 110 degrees in the office. The nurse was very kind to me and said just relax as she took my blood pressure which was high. The nurse asked me why I was so nervous about my diabetes. I never did tell the doctor's office the real reason for my visit and said I was there for a check up on my diabetes. I was too petrified to tell too many people. The nurse checked my blood sugar levels and my A1C. As she left the room she said the doctor would be right in and with that the door closed behind her.
I'm sitting there on the examination table fidgeting and sweating. I'm trying to wipe the sweat from my forehead and hands still shaking. In what only seemed like ten seconds after the nurse left the door to the room opened again and in walked my endocrinologist. She walked over to me and shook my hands and introduced herself. I was so scared my mind went blank and I couldn't remember my name. Somehow I managed to give her my letter form my therapist. I felt like I was going to pass out as she read the letter. As hard as it is to believe my heart was pounding harder and seating like I was running a marathon. She finished the letter looked up at me and said "now I know why you're so nervous". She started to put me at ease as we talked about my medical history. We talked about the pro and cons of the different delivery methods for receiving estrogen. After about ½ hour of talking she told what she was going to prescribe for me. I remember sitting thinking to myself "OMG... I am transgender enough".
I was relieved
I was given my first prescription for estrogen and spironolactone. I was so excited that all the nerves I was feeling leading up to the appointment came rushing out as I was leaving the doctor's office that I started to cry on my way out. This was on September 29th, 2014. With my scripts in hand I rushed as fast as I could to the pharmacy to have them filled. As I waited in line to be taken care of again I was fidgeting but this time it was due to excitement. When it was at long my turn at the counter (it was only maybe five minutes) I handed over my scripts and waited with anticipation for them to be filled. Just then is when my excitement turned to disappointment as the pharmacy tech came over a said they need to order the estrogen and it would be a day or two before it comes in.
On October 1st, 2014 at 3:15 in the afternoon I was back at the pharmacy to pick up my scripts. After paying for them and a bottle of water I left the store. Again an unbelievable excitement took over me. I opened up each pill bottle and took out the appropriate amount and before popping them into my mouth I ask myself one more time is this what you want. I answered myself with a resounding yes and popped them in and swallowed them down with some water. And that's how I started my unmasking...!
