I apologize, but I do not know where to post it.
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It's almost 3 years since some episode that had profound impact on my life. I was looking for some answers and found this forum. I deleted my posts for personal reasons. I realize now, that there is no forum or website I can post it. There is too much crazy stuff going on and yet I find very difficult talking to somebody knowing what outcome of that conversation might be. It took me very long time to find some mental stability. This is not a novel or sci-fi. This is my life. I wish that events were different and much more straightforward. There is TMI, unfortunately there is no other way. Without these details you will not understand why I have this problem. And if you have doubts then think this is fictional and what would you do if you were in my shoes.
I want to stress out that I'm not writing this to convince you that my story is true. This does not matter. It flips reality upside down. I know there is science and religion etc. Now I think it's all irrelevant. I'm sure there is an explanation of some sort, but I'm getting to the point of not caring.
Last month I went to see a doctor due to some flu/cold and she asked me 5 routine questions to find out if I have depression. I lied 5 times, just to get out of this situation. Yes I have a depression, it comes and goes. Not good. You supposed to fix it at root. I do not know how.
I really would like to have conversation about what happened. Not about transgender, intersex or plain crazy. This is just holding me back. I had plenty of time to think about it and looking at it from different angles.
Here is problem. You can't just pick one event and explain it as you think it fits. These are series of events somehow connected. Picking one thing and disregarding other ones will not work. I tried that. You may not understand everything. Just take it as it is. Do not let your rational part fight back. It will get you nowhere.
Please help if you can. I apologize but this is very long.
I was born in 1966, along my fraternal twin brother. Eastern Europe was an isolated place and there were no resources or any information of any kind related to transgender issues. I do not remember too much from my early childhood. I did not feel out of place or had any inclination of being different gender. Yet for some reason, around the start of puberty, I put my mother's clothes and I kept repeating that action over and over. Now from the distance, as I remember my own thoughts, I did it for one reason only. I wanted to see MYSELF in a mirror. End result was disappointment. No matter what I did, it wasn't me on the other side. There was nothing I could do about it. I just had to keep living. I knew that I was different and that was all. And there were moments of pure clarity. I felt disconnected from my own body. It was more like being in a driver seat and looking at the exterior of a car. Around age 16-17 I started having depression. Three things collided. My mom passed away; I thought I was in love with some girl and finally there were gender issues which I did not comprehend. To tell the truth, I did not think that I had any gender issues. In my reality they were not issues, but simply they were my reality. What was the main trigger for my depression is still unclear to me. Loss of a dear one seemed like an obvious choice, but I think it had to do more with my gender problems, even though I did not considered it at this time. I started to think about ending my own life. I was bargaining with myself, considering all the pros and cons. Since religion had strong influence in my life, I was afraid of condemning my soul for eternity. But after couple months of deep thinking I was willing to take my chances. I was thinking that maybe I will get away with it. In psychiatry, this moment when scale tips in favor of committing suicide is crucial. There is no going back. I think I remember what pushed me into that direction. I was lying in my bed and I had such clear understanding of myself. I'm a girl and I will never experience my life as other girls do. No dresses, no makeup, no boyfriends, nothing at all. Life seemed absolutely worthless. I do not remember whether it is the same night or right after it something strange happened. I was ready to fall asleep, lying down on my belly, with face against a pillow and I had this feeling of falling down with enormous speed. Couple seconds later, I was somewhere else...in space being surrounded by bright lights of stars and galaxies. I was in the middle of it and I was moving from one place to another instantaneously. I was observing changes that require millennia to take place in couple seconds. I experienced sense of time, space and insignificance of my own existence. How long this state lasted? I do not know. What is a dream? I do not think so. I was awake and it could not be longer than couple minutes. After I returned, I knew I was not dreaming. I fell asleep much later. More important thing was, that after it finished I was genuinely happy. I was ecstatic that my life will end soon. It seemed so irrelevant. This was a promise of a short life and till now is the most single thing that prevents me from ending my own life. I almost forgot about this experience and I asked myself a question was it real or not. I came to conclusion that for me it really did happen. Think about it. Can you remember any dream in your life that would alter your perception of life? For me this event had one major impact. It stopped me from killing myself.
Next couple years were uneventful. I graduated from high school and attended college. I was not tormented by my gender issues. I just learned how to live with it. Since I did not understand anything of it, I accepted the fact that this is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. At age 25, I moved to the United States. Being in the a new place, it was much more difficult to deal with my gender. New place and new responsibilities were enough to occupy my thoughts. Occasionally I was able to put my friend's cloths, but one day when I was sitting alone in the apartment, I realized that I cannot continue to do this anymore. That maybe I should try to live my life as nature intended. What bad could happen? That's what I thought. This was a last time I wore a dress. I gave myself permission to be a guy. And next couple years were learning process for me, how to be more assertive and more decisive. I went to college. I had my first intercourse with a woman, which was embarrassing and finally I met my future wife. By that time memories of my teenage years were fading. I was living a role of a male and husband. It looked as everything is the way as it should be. Well, not really. I remember having dream of sexual nature. In this dream, I was a woman. I did see my own body, my boobs, skin and some other person. It was so realistic, so vivid. I felt pleasure. I woke up thinking, how many more years I will have to endure this damn life. Depression kicked in. I tried to convince myself that I'm a boy, not a girl. This question of who am I was constantly present in my life. Two or three times more I had dreams of being opposite sex. More time passed and I lost memories prior to age 25. Gender issues became puzzle to me and now this sex dream. Where is it coming from? Why do I have to even question myself whether I am a boy or girl? About 6 years ago I became a father. My marriage started having ups and downs. Actually more downs than ups. So at some point I became so dissatisfied with my own life, including my sexual life, that I put a big question mark, why? Why do I have these problems? Why I'm not happy?
Again I was lying in my bed (we sleep in separate bedrooms) trying to make some sense out of it. But this time I let my thoughts to roam freely. And a first image that returned to me was the one when I was maybe 16 years old, sitting in a bathtub and trying to hide my penis between my legs and I remember my frustration because this damn thing just did not want to go away. That feeling hit me so hard. Again I had a moment of pure clarity that I'm a girl. I felt anger and sense of injustice. And most of all loss of time. I wanted to tell somebody that finally I know who I am. Tears started rolling on my face. It was like a fountain and kept pouring. I fell asleep and woke up again at 4 or 5 in a morning and tears kept coming back. All the pieces of the puzzle started falling into their places. Everything started making sense. Everything that I did in my life. All these details aligned . This process of rediscovery continued for the next couple nights and at the end there were no more tears but feeling of calmness.
At this point I started to look for some resources to better understand gender issues. This is how I found this forum. What happened next is not typical for any trans person or any human being. I tried searching internet for some references. I found on some obscure forum, one person's description that is a bit similar but only partially. And I mean like tiny bit. I will put an asterix next to it (*)
For some reason my wife asked me question if I still love her. I struggled. I was still thinking about recent developments. Should I tell her or keep it to myself. I do not know why, but I told her that I have some gender issues. Her reaction was typical for any angry person, but she said something that got stuck in my head. "The only time I felt like I was with a man, was on our honeymoon". That made me think and triggered an idea. Since I'm a girl in my mind, I would definitely know what to do in order to teach her about her own sexuality. All I have to do is to imagine things, not as a guy, ...but as a woman. Again I was lying in bed thinking how to approach this.. My first attempt was a failure. I screamed in my thoughts. Second attempt was a full success. I do not even know how to make such a "switch" of identity, but I know it is possible. I imagined my wife sitting in some dark place and I was kissing her gently on her lips, cheeks, eyes, neck. I got aroused almost instantaneously. Things got twisted somehow and it wasn't her in the center of attention but me. Erection was much stronger than usual. I finished imagining things and I was satisfied with myself. Now it was time to go to sleep. Well, that's what I thought so. Arousal, instead of slowly disappearing, got stronger and stronger. I could not control it. Mentally I was calm down, but my body was doing opposite thing and it was against my will. In addition, I started feeling some warm round spot on the left side of my chest. It felt really big. Inch or more and sort of like a square. I was not sure what it is. I was not sure why I felt it and where it came from. I remember being surprised and thinking what the hell is this? It was like a coin that is heat up in a palm of your hand and then you put it against your skin. It will not burn you, but you will feel distinct warmth. That heat was getting stronger and stronger with every second. Arousal that caused penis erection, ...shifted inside my lower abdominal and it was spreading. Slowly it was taking over the rest of the my body. At this point, I was feeling not one, but two hot round spots on my chest, left and right side, surrounded by tiny pulsing needle like points. Imagine hot acupuncture needles. With every second their number increased. There were hundreds if not thousands of them. They were giving me distinct feeling of having female boobs made of energy. They were not feeling like they were flat two-dimensional circles, but rather round cups. Underneath them there was triangle made of the same energy, covering my entire belly with base flipped to the top and the tip section somewhat merging with warm feeling in my lower abdomen. The only difference was that triangle area had flat surface. There were no needle like points. and energy had almost burn like intensity. Imagine hot metal triangle plate against your skin that would not burn you. It felt like I was on fire. This area was much more hotter that lower abdomen. I had problem breathing. My vision was affected too. I would say I was much more withdrawn into myself than paying attention what is around me. I lost control over my body. I was lying on the left side and all I could do is to wait for this whole thing to finish. The only viable option was to submit myself to this experience. No need to fight back. What happened next surprised me even more. Out of nowhere, the feeling of hollow canal appeared (*). It was pretty long. It's hard to describe exact position. Slightly above my own penis and deeper. At this point both feelings of canal and penis merged together (*). It was like penis was inside that canal. Seconds later, there were couple rapid contractions in a crotch area. In my thoughts I was lost. What is it going on? What the hell is contracting in my crotch, I could even feel it at the base of my penis and testicles. With each contraction there was a ripple of energy moving through my thighs, belly and chest area. Similar to ripples created by a rock thrown into water. It spread evenly, however thighs are closer than upper body, so these waves move first through legs and with some delay reach chest. I'm not sure about a count of these contractions. Definitely there were more than 4 contractions. Once these waves reached my chest I started feeling extreme pain. My skin was stretched out as much as possible. My boobs felt extremely big. I had to arch my back. Pain and pleasure mixed together. I remember being terrified for couple seconds. I wanted to jump out of my own body. This body is not what I'm used to know. This is not possible! Have you ever been internally scared, but unable to move or react? That feeling is horrifying. That fear did not last too long. As I said before, the only thing I could to is to submit myself to pleasure. Right after that, everything was over. Arousal stopped, erection was gone, no more energy boobs. I only checked if there was any ejaculation. There was only tiny little drops of some liquid. When comes to my mental state. That is puzzling to me, because I almost had no memory of fear. It's like it faded within seconds. I was happy and ready to sleep. How long was the whole experience? For me it seemed to take it forever. I was not able to establish how long. 5, 10, 15 minutes? I know it was long.
Next day I was happy. For the first time in my life, I was OK with my own body. All I had to do was to "flip the switch"and enjoy myself. It seemed acceptable. Also I noticed something different about my chest. It felt different. When I was walking it was sort of... bouncing. It took me months to correctly identify this feeling. Following day it was the same story and I told myself that I have to look in a mirror to see what is going on. I kept forgetting about it, but finally Monday morning I took a look in the mirror and I was shocked. My nipples looked different. Areola was much bigger than before, but more important the area was sensitive to touch, cold and heat. Skin was different, like this harsh outer layer of nipple was gone. I was running back and forth between computer and a bathroom, checking every five minutes if it's real. The only thing that came to my mind were hormones. I thought, it has to be effect of estrogen, but how? What would cause such a dramatic change? I got scared.
I wrote email to my brother, describing events that took place. I tried to explain my gender struggles and started looking for some answers on internet. I started noticing more changes. Nails started growing rapidly. Skin on my face was much smoother. I could feel it under my fingers when I was taking shower and water was flowing on my face. Typical harshness was disappearing. Any bumps were reduced. Hair texture was also different. I started noticing other people's reactions when they saw me. Their eyes opened up and they were surprised. And I'm talking about my friends and family members that saw me almost every day.
So I started to think about myself that assumption that I'm male is false. I mean I'm a male but not necessarily only male. I started to look for information regarding what happens to male body when you introduce female hormones. I was loosing it. The more I learned, the more scared I was. At this rate changes that usually take 3-6 six months are already here. Way too fast. My whole world would be upside down within a year. I'm not ready for it. I was literally going to sleep, shaking. I could not sleep. Imagining things and having nightmares. I remember two dreams that occurred the same night. First one, I was walking somewhere with my wife. We got separated and I end up in some room in a building. There was a door like hole and some figure hiding behind some vehicle. He had a knife and he threw it at me. I died and dream ended. Second dream, the same night was in white colors, I felt calmness and protection. I was inside this milky fog and I felt safe. I think this dream helped me stabilize my moods.
Weeks were passing and I was not even close to figuring out what is going on. I made a posts on forums trying to describe my experience. There were almost no responses. Somebody suggested term intersex and recommended that I see some specialist in LGBT clinic. That's what I did. The doctor I saw was really shocked. I did not tell her everything. I do not think she believed me. She ordered blood test, but for some reason she checked only testosterone levels (result: 371). I had to wait.
Weeks passed and one evening after dinner, I started feeling some sharp pain in my lower abdominal. That is part that hurts only if have diarrhea. And that's what I thought too. Months later I realized that pain was not horizontal but vertical through the middle. Couple hours later, I went to bed and I had a hard time to fall asleep due to this pain. I woke up in the middle of the night crawling in my bed. Pain was excruciating. Imagine ice pick thrusted inside your belly and a tip of it is the only painful point. From that point pain is bursting outwards with different intensity, like a small sphere. So there were not one, but two points on left and right side, located on the same level with equal distance from central area, that was felt too. These two points were connected by this very narrow and fairly long tubes. Overall it was like feeling the shape of the whole organ. Sometimes in sci-fi movies you can see when things get activated for the very first time, things light up and make strange noise. That was very much similar. I thought that I should go to the bathroom and do what needs to be done. There was no diarrhea, but taking a dump did not help. I went back to bed and pain instead loosing up, got even worse and it was getting stronger. I got up again and went to kitchen and took Tylenol. About 1 hour later I was able to sleep again.
Next day I felt little bit strange, but I knew that pain I experienced was not ordinary. It was so distinct, that confusing it with diarrhea is just not possible. I was looking for some connection with things that occured couple weeks before. First thing took place on March 15th. Second one on April 12th. That makes exactly 28 days. Further search on Google revealed that standard female menstrual cycle is exactly 28 days. Of course for an average guy such a knowledge is a mystery. You can also imagine that I freaked out again. By the end of the second week, I started feeling that my head is spinning and it was a constant feeling of lightheadedness for whole weekend regardless of whether i was walking or standing. Something was definitely going on. Again I searched Google for info and result was clear, ovulation. That's just too much of a coincidence. I freaked out and run again to LGBT center to see a doctor. She admitted that during our first meeting she was so shocked that did not think straight. She wanted me to come back later to see another doctor. I did return as promised. First I had meeting with a nurse. She asked me why do I want to take hormones? I told her that this not why I'm here. My hormones seem to be whacked, plus I had some lower abdominal pains and btw I had orgasm like no one before. When I was done, she was pale and not moving on her chair. She made an appointment to see another doctor.
About the same time, abdominal pains returned. They were not the same as the one from couple weeks before, but nevertheless I felt discomfort for about a week. In addition my nipples were on fire again. It was more like burning sensation. Any fabric that would touch them caused even more irritation. All of this happened 28 days after the last incident, and again on 14th day i had single point pain on left side below navel point. It started around 5 AM and lasted till almost midnight. Of course there was no sign of charreria or any food related illness.
Similar symptoms returned 28 days later. Lower abdominal discomfort lasted about a week, but overall everything seemed weaker and there was nothing happening on 14th day this time.
Finally, by the end of June I was able to see a doctor at LGBT clinic. I told her, that I might be intersex. In her own words, "it's not possible, this is something diagnosed when children are born". "My nipples have changed". Her response, "I did not see them before". She wanted to know more, so I told her about orgasm that shifted inside my body and now she was visibly shaken. Of course she said that she does not know if it was orgasm. At the end she agreed to blood test and USG.
So after more than 3 months from initial incident, I had my estrogen levels checked. USG test showed nothing abnormal and blood levels were also in range. You can only imagine my disbelief. It cannot be! Doctor insisted that I should see a shrink. She also admitted that she is not endocrinologist and that maybe I should see one.
I returned home thinking that is OK. At least I'm biological male. Although I did not feel good about it and overall that the test cannot be right. Now, i just had to go about my own living. For the most part I was coping sometimes with this problem. And if you think that on some subconscious level you can control every aspect of who you are, then think again. Something started happening to me again on hormonal level. It's like you touch your beard in the night or in the morning and you know it's not growing fast anymore. Maybe there were other signs too, but I didn't pay attention to them. Anyway, right before going to bed, i watched some music video and some images stuck with me in my head. Once I put my head to a pillow, they returned with intensity. Again, it took seconds for my body to respond. It wasn't like the first time, however it was extremely powerful. My chest got very warm, but without those pulsing dots. I felt heat all over my body. My eyes were half closed. At this point whole experience is internal. Your mind is sort of cut off from surroundings. Heart is pounding like crazy with pace and there is a moment of reaching of highest point. I knew exactly what is going on and I was fighting back. I was scared of any future changes that might happen. Was I successful? I don't think so. Once things were put in motion, there was no going back. Did I noticed any changes after all? Not immediately. I remember that this bouncing feeling of my chest returned for a day or two. But about 2 weeks later I experienced extremely sharp pain. I took my son to kindergarten and on the way back I felt first symptoms. When I got back home, pain became unbearable. It wasn't close to the surface, but somewhere between my penis and anal opening. Not spread all over, but rather localized. I'm not sure about the size or shape, but it felt like small organ in pain. Maybe it was a prostate. That's what I thought. Pain lasted about 3 hours. I couldn't seat. Walking helped. Finally, there was time to go pickup my son. On the way, I met two girls in there twenties coming from opposite direction. I was looking at the sidewalk, but one of them got out of her way, and kept staring at my face and she go so close to my it that she was inches away. Her eyes were big and she was confused. The same thing happened hours later in the evening when i went out for my daily walk. Almost every person I passed by had some kind of reaction. Stares, big eyes, getting close to see better, smiles, laughs etc When I got back home, i knew I have to look in a mirror. There was something different about my face, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it is. Anyway, when I looked in a mirror and pulled my hair back, my face looked more feminine. Baseball cap I was wearing probably enhanced some face features. I think that after about a week, things sort of even out.
Mentally I was struggling. I knew very well, that I'm different and I could not stop thinking about it. I was going to bed, shaking and disturbed, asking myself a question who am I? And I'm not talking about psychological or gender identity, but my own biology. Day after day, the same question and no answers. As time progressed, so is my mental state got worse. Until one night I had a dream. I was inside some appartment. There was a snow covering a floor. I went to another room to look for portable heater and when I grabbed it, I heard ... a voice. There was no one else in that room. I did not see anybody. And the voice, I heard with my own ears. Just like somebody whispers to your ear from behind and you do not see that person and you do not even know that this person is behind you. The voice was fairly loud, but not screaming. Spoken in calm manner, definitely male, but not deep and not old. Determining age would be difficult. I was not able to recognize it, or match it with a person I might knew. It was completely strange to me. I want you to understand something, that when you have "conversation" in your dream and you see a person, your brain fills in the blanks and it is more similar to the thinking process. You could call it internal dialogue. But this situation was different. It bypassed my internal brain control and engaged my hearing processes. The moment I heard it, I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was internally terrified again, screaming internally and not able to wake up. This was a second time I felt something like this. First time I experienced such a feat was during orgasm climax, couple months before. I run from the room as quick as I could and fear stopped. There was a girl sitting on a mattress, crying and begging me to not throw her out. She said that she has no place to go. I kissed her on her forehead and let her rest. I woke up thinking that it's official that I'm crazy. I hear voices and according to dr. Google I'm mentally ill. So what exactly did I hear. It was a one sentence. "I hear you." The sentence was in English which is my second language. Personally, I would say "I can hear you". It would sound more grammatically correct and as certain language template, even in my dream, my brain would most likely used that form. But no, that sentence was exactly 3 words "I hear you". Looking back at that night. I consider a possibility that under severe stress, human brain can do strange things. So maybe there is some explanation for it. Interestingly enough, I calmed down mentally over next couple weeks.
I decided to see a specialist regarding my hormones. My body does not produce a lot of sperm. Couple years ago, i had to do some fertility testing and when I submitted whatever I was able to gather. Clerk who saw it, simply laughed at my face with disbelief. Anyway, there is little amount of it and it mostly oozes from the tip of my penis. I went to endocrinology clinic. While I was waiting to see my doctor, another female doctor returned from her lunch and the minute she saw me, she stopped in her tracks. She kept staring at my face, every single time she had a chance. That cannot be a good sign, when a doctor, that is used to seeing different things, suddenly behaves like this. Another patient also was in deep thinking process and eventually something clicked in her brain and she gave a big smile. Finally, I saw my doctor. I decided to withhold some information and not to be specific. He examined me by squeezing my chest. He told me that I have some breast tissue development and he is not impressed. Which to him was a good sign. However, he asked me repeatedly if I have any brownish discharges. The truth is that I don't. He was confused and things were not adding up. I told him also about abdominal pains, but I was not specific. So at the end he ordered whole bunch of hormonal tests. Surprise, surprise, results returned within range. End of discussion. During our conversation he told me that these type of breast changes are caused by high level of prolactin.
So at this point I pretty much gave up on doctors. They know what they know and they pretty much do not care what you tell them.
The good thing about this doctor visit is that he confirmed some information that I was able to find on internet regarding hormonal activity during orgasm. Contrary to common belief human body produces only two hormones during this activity. First one is oxytocin and second is prolactin. The difference between males and females is timing and amount of prolactin. For males there is only tiny spike in production that is not harmful to one's health. For females, production takes place longer and in bigger quantities. Since female breast is sensitive, it is very unlikely that they would notice much difference in feeling of their breast. There is absolutely no testosterone or estrogen production during orgasm! These are facts that can be confirmed in medical literature. Now imagine how much prolactin had to be produced in my body during that first orgasm for such a quick and dramatic changes to take place.
I wanted to talk to someone. I found a website of transgender support organization from my home country that provides some psychological support via email. I wrote about my past experiences and I got some response. I also included info about this crazy things that occurred to me with the exception of hearing voice in my head. Lady psychologist tried to help me, but it was increasingly difficult for her to make some sense out of it. She would take weeks to respond and she admitted that she was mentally shaken after reading my emails. At some point she had enough. She told me that she is living organization. That might be true. Her suggestions were to explore who you are and look for sex guru.
That made me think, that maybe I should not be afraid of my abilities and I should not try to control my body's reactions. Based on what happened in the past, I thought that my orgasm that occurred about 6 months apart were result of some accident. That they were triggered somehow involuntarily. So give it take, I can expect another one some time in February. I thought that there is some cycle to it. But after reading what that therapist wrote to me, I thought that all of it is in my mind. To be precise, that my will is a trigger. I just didn't know how to go about it and I knew that I cannot be afraid of any physical changes that might happen as a result of my actions. So here I was lying in my bed thinking about different things that may cause arousal. Once I approached this "as a female" in my mind, response was immediate. It was not like a first or second time. Arousal grew fast. It was like tingling that starts somewhere in.your thighs and spreads all over rapidly. It does not stop there. It reaches higher level. You stop feeling your skin. It's like some energy is taking over and you lose feeling of your legs, arms. Eventually, you stop feeling your entire body. It's the most unusual state. You are fully aware of being suspended somewhere in a single point inside your own body. To be precise. That point is somewhere inside your brain. Although there was a darkness around it was not scary. So you know you have physical body and yet you cannot feel it at all. However, at some point it felt like being wrapped in some soft blanket. This state lasted couple seconds and after that feeling of my own body returned along with pounding heart. Two days later, I repeated experiment with the same results. Again I was able to reach the suspension state. What surprised me was how easy it was for me to get to this stage. It only took seconds to achieve it. Another discovery was ability to have multiple orgasms only minutes apart and the second one was much stronger than first. As I said before once things get in motion, there is no way of stopping it or predicting what would happen.
I'm using word orgasm and some people may disagree. However, orgasm is a involuntary body's response to a stimulus of a sexual nature either physical, mental or both. Associated by arousal that has strict correlation to a level of intensity of orgasm. Body's response is individual for each person and it may differ, therefore there is not one single possible outcome, but rather variation of different outcomes.
Over next 2-3 months I tried to explore my capabilities. Some attempts were successful and some not. I was not able to get to suspension state. However, there is definitely a pattern in a way my body reacts. It always starts with arousal that takes over. Sometimes it grows and suddenly disappears like you know you about to go over cliff and in seconds you are back to starting point. After that there is delayed heart reaction, extremely quick heart pounding that stops after couple seconds and everything is over. Sometimes, arousal returns after couple minutes. This usually happens when I'm completely relaxed and free of any distractions. I just want to go to sleep, but my body is already energized and this state can last for longer period of time. I can actually feel that energy in my skin. Everything I described is accompanied by erection, however one time I experienced this things without erection at all and i found it to be very strange experience. I noticed also that anticipation and expectations are the greatest distractions for the whole process. Wandering mind is also a mood killer.
I stopped counting how many times I did it. They all are different and unique in their own way. Similar but not the same. There is nothing accidental about them. Never was and never will be. It will never go away. Time is major factor. The first time it happened, it broke a scale. Sometimes I think it might be some hormone building up over decades of my life or some form of energy that was trapped and released with immense force. First, Second and third time were 6 months apart. Again experience was very powerful. After that time gaps were much shorter and orgasm intensity were stabilized in a medium and lower range. With longer breaks is much easier to induce more powerful body response.
There is a pattern in the way my body reacts. You would think that what I'm describing is limited only to psychological side of human nature. That's incorrect. There are physical consequences to my own actions. And there is correlation between intensity of an orgasm and body changes that take place after it. Furthermore, there has to be certain level of hormones production in order to trigger chest sensitivity and abdominal pains. This happened after first and second time, when experiences were the most powerful. If it occurs once, it's possible to consider it as accident. But chances of happening this again and again are extremely remote, if not entirely impossible.
So what exactly happens to my body.
- Softening of skin. It's very visible on my face. Fewer bumps and reduced harshness.
- Fat is depositing on my cheeks. However, people react differently depending on lighting and weather conditions. There are days when I get more reactions and days when people just go about their business. Recently I lost some weight, so some effects may be reversing.
- Thinning and reduced size of body hair. Specially on my arms. Some hair change color to blonde
- Larger size areola. Sensitive nipples. Most of the time nipples are completely flat like a soft skin. They do get harder and erect due to colder air or touch. When erected, they are much larger in diameter, that means that about one third or even half of the areola is erected too.
- When I examine my nipples, it feels as hollow soft tissue is in the middle and there is thicker granular like ring surrounding that soft center. Left side seems to have bit more of this granular tissue.
- Chest area itches. It does not happen every day, but rather every other week or longer. Sometimes is like 2-3 days, then it stops and returns again for another 1-2 days. There are weeks without activity too.
- Chest area sensitivity changes. There are days when they feel like before. But more often sensitivity increases. So it's not only nipples but also skin underneath feels different and I can feel material touching that area. Maybe is just a fabric, but sometimes nipples have this burning like feeling.
- Clear liquid comes out from my nipples. Not much, but sometimes is couple drops and even more. It's enough to feel wetness under my shirt. I can see round stains on some of my t-shirts and dress shirts in the area where my nipples are. It happens every couple months (6-12) or longer. More often from the left nipple.
- I experienced pain on left side of my chest. It lasted about 48 hours. Any pressure, brush or even touch of the t-shirt was rather painful. It happened only once and I think it was last year.
- When I'm wearing a t-shirt or shirt and I run my fingers through my chest, I feel two small bumps of fat. But nipples are not noticeable. Instead they are completely flat and sort of merged with the rest if fat tissue if that makes any sense. So my chest feels more like rather small and round bumps of fat.
- My scalp hair do not get oily like they used to. They feel dry for days. When they are bit longer, they still look good even after one week. Their texture is more soft.
- Nails grow fast and they are stronger than before
- My feet size has changed. I used to wear sneakers size 11. This year I bought winter boots and sneakers thinking that I will be OK with sizes I wore before. Mistake. In each case my shoes are too big. I think I should go down by one size.
- Muscles. There's a different feel when I touch and press my biceps. I do not exercise so it may have something to do with it. However, when I press my outer side of biceps, there is not much tissue in between skin and bone. In fact, I can feel that bone pretty well, especially in the upper section
- Erections. I do not get involuntary erections during day time. Morning erections occur for some time and they stop. It means there are periods when I have morning erections for couple weeks and there are weeks when there are no morning erections at all. It's like a cycle.
- Ejaculation. It depends on form of stimulation. The amount of liquid is limited, however with watching porn that causes some arousal, the liquid looks like it used be. It's just smaller amount. In other situations, without visual stimulation, liquid that comes out is limited to few drops and is mostly water like. Sometimes, there is no liquid at all.
- I do not look my age. Next year I'm going to be fifty. In my current workplace, some people thought that I'm fresh out of college intern. My neighbor commented recently that my haircut makes me look younger and then he asked me my age. First he guessed that I'm 30 years old and that I cannot be more than 40. When I told him my age, his jaw dropped and he had a hard time processing it. Recently, I was at some pizza place and 25 year old girl was trying to get my attention. Overall, people get confused about my age. Haircut is one thing, but skin condition is far more important for determining someone's age
- My six year old son made couple comments regarding my eyes, that my face is wider, that I look like a his female teacher and most recently he squeezed my chest screaming that daddy has boobs. Children are very perceptive and honest. I overheard on the street one boy asking her mommy why this lady is wearing men's clothes.
- This male/female confusion occurs mostly when I am wearing more unisex clothing like jeans and t-shirt. However, I do get a lot of "sir" word in various situation, including when I'm wearing typical office shirt, like people would like to reinforce that maleness on top of what they see
Right now I do not see that much difference on my face. I guess it's because I see myself everyday. So sometimes I see some people's reaction and sometimes it seems rather normal.
Couple weeks ago I had a orgasm again. It was very close to the first one and very different. Most of the time I'm too tired and I just want to go to sleep. So sometimes the period in between orgasms is rather lengthy. Sometimes I can feel it would take only seconds to induce it and sometimes I engage myself in this activity. So this time I did not fight back, but instead of thinking about something that would arouse me, my attention was concentrating on my chest. It's already sensitive, so there is even physical component to it. Response was very similar to my first orgasm. Increased heat on my chest and feeling of being withdrawn mentally. It was almost like being on the verge of next step and I was expecting those tiny needle like dots on my chest. That didn't happen, neither my heart was pounding. Yet the whole experience was very pleasurable.
I try to keep track of every event regardless how insignificant it may seem. It's hard to figure any correlation between them. But I think I was able to connect some dots. About 10 days later I felt wetness on my right nipple and there was a dot on my t shirt on exact level where nipple touches fabric. That is a clear white liquid and it is caused by higher level of prolactin. I did not think about this way before, so I searched wikipedia about causes. Sexual activity is one of them. From what I understood, prolactin induces lactation (clear and milky like liquid) and development of mammary gland (itching?) and that process has couple stages. In addition prolactin lowers levels of sex hormones (estrogen/testosterone). I checked my notes, and in fact in each case nipples secreted liquid couple days after orgasm (5-15 days). Itching occurred prior to this event and leakage correlated with side of the chest that was itching. However, itching was not present for more than 12+ months after first orgasm. I did not remember this detail, but couple days after that first orgasm, I noticed some fairly sticky layer covering my areola on both sides of my chest. Chest hair that were right beneath it were tangled, so it had to be a lot of liquid released.
I am not sure how, higher level of prolactine would cause feminization. My testosterone level was over 350. Even if testosterone level dropped temporary below 200 (?), I do not think it would be enough to cause some changes that I described. So there's something else going on.
I don't have to mention that I do not have any signs of cancer or brain tumor and according to dr Google, males should not release any liquid from their nipples at all.
As I said before, this is a puzzle.
Relationship with my family is really bad. I told them what happened because I was seriously terrified. I wanted them to believe me, but there was no reaction. There were no questions of any kind, except from my brother asking what do I want to do. It took me months to realize that he's not a solution, but rather obstacle and cause of my distress. It was like talking to a wall. My younger brother, my father and cousins avoid topic. I wanted to have some conversation but after while I gave up. Right now I do not care for their support and acceptance. I simply stopped caring. I keep contact with them to absolute minimum. They want to talk about ordinary daily stuff and pretend like nothing ever happened. Recently, my brother told me that he is getting divorce. His wife, after 18 years decided to split. Her reason? She fell in love with another woman. I wonder if my letter had anything to do with her decision. My brother's reaction was like, why she wants to change her life at this old age. He just does not understand her motives.
My wife doesn't care nor she is interested in what is going on with me. During this 3 years she did not ask even a single question. When i tried to tell her something in the beginning, her response was "not again".
I do not want to deal with doctors. Their stupidity is staggering. I tried different approaches like telling them only some things that would be enough to raise some questions. Also I told my GP more details and his eyes were getting wider and wider as I continued. At the end they all ignored the information and proceeded to do what they know. So right now I would rather avoid any contact with them.
I considered possibility of transitioning, but my identity is not entirely clear to me. I know I should go to see a gender therapist but how would I explain all of this. Withholding this information would be difficult. How can I stick only to gender issues? And what are gender issues in my case? So far every person I spoke to reacted with some form of shock. Furthermore, what would happen if I started taking estrogen? That pain and hollow canal somewhere between my legs is not a figment of my imagination. Unless human brain is capable of creating illusion of the internal organ that does not exists. Higher level of hormone could induce bleeding. Where would it go? I have to consider that possibility and it could be life threatening. Not to mention that all the effects of hormones could be much faster than for average person and transition requires some time to adjust to a new situation. Mentally I'm not ready for it. And you supposed to have all issues worked out before you take this steps.
Do I have dysphoria? I think I do, although I do not care about feminine clothes. I do feel jealous of other women. I think to myself that it should be me. There are days or even weeks when nothing bothers me, and there are times when my male and female identities flip back and forth. I experience what I call internalized dysphoria. The more I feel like I'm OK with my male persona, the more often I have dreams in which I am a female. These dreams are persistent and can occur 2-3 times a week. It means in my dreams I can see myself in a mirror as a girl, or I can see my boobs growing. And it's not like I'm doing this intentionally or program my thoughts for certain dreams. It's opposite. I function as a male in real life, but my internal part constantly reminds me that I should be someone else. It's out of control.
For the most part I'm OK with being male outside and minutes later I cannot stand it. It fluctuates and goes from one extreme to another. Male to female, back an forth. There is no stability
I think I should talk to some therapist first, but my concern is how do I wrap this whole thing and explain it to that person. Dissecting and withholding some information is counter productive. If I keep some things to myself, it would achieve rather short result. Therapist would hear things that he or she would expect to hear. These people are so used to certain narrative. Having conversation one on one may not even work.
I have to say, that I'm feeling tired and sometimes I want to forget about everything.
