my plan to come out. what do,you think

[mickey.megan]

so i have a plan to come out, here is the background. i have known what i really am for about 3 years.. im married, and i tried coming out multiple times to wife and was shut down or i folded to protect my mariage and relationship. last time i tried coming out my wife said if it ever came uo,again she was leaving me, but then she broke down crying as she says she has no where to go and no money or skills(which isnt true but thats another story). im  not getting any younger and i need to start hrt and laser/electrolosis. and i am tired of keeping secrets, losing sleep and sneaking around and i want to protect her and our kids..and quite frankly i want everyone to know. is that weird? anyway... i have a plan to come out and want to know what you think.

so we have kids in jounior high too as a data point.

im going to write her a letter and give it to her, inthis letter it will explain the following.
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due to ultimatums and keeping me in the closet i am taking a temporary seperation. i am going to get an apartment and tell her she can stay in the house with our kids till they graduate. AND i will pay for all the bills, food,insurance etc...basically i wil maintain everything as long as i have my career/job. i am doing this because i cant be yelled at or bullied anymore and i have to come out. i have to transition. i will tell her that i want to live my life with her and i want to move back in with  her when she is ready, but if she wants divorse i will sign the papers. i will explain that she needs to except the new me and i cant lie or keep secrets any more from her or anyone
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what do you all think of my plan?

[Ms Grace]

That seems to be a fair way to go about it. You are acknowledging both her and your needs and the need to provide support for the children. You are giving her options but staying true to what you need. She won't like it I would guess but what you are offering gives her the opportunity and the time to work that out.

My only hesitation about the plan is the letter part of it. I understand why you feel you need to do it that way, so you can say what you need to without interruption or drama or worse. But it could be interpreted as not very personal, something in writing might be used against you legally if things go bad. By all means write out what you need to say and have it with you, but face to face is always going to get you more traction.

[katrinaw]

Hi Megan,

I was not quite in the same boat as you, I am a lot older, and on and off over the years I kept putting off coming out for many of the reasons you have given. Guess I may have been "luckier" in the sense that work has always been intense for me, so I could bury myself in that.

Now here the crunch, Over the last few years the intensity has been bordering on unbearable, so I tried many times and basically not given the time to speak, so I wrote a long letter, leaving fully paid off home etc... Was going to ride off into the sunset....

Grace is right, it is very impersonal...

I decided I had to face my demons, knowing the damage it would do. It hurt, it hurt a lot, and still does. We are still together, there is love, buts it partner love now, she did not want me to go, she did not want to be lonely. For now I am still in male mode, with little variations, we are in limbo, probably till well into the new year.

So do I feel relief, yes, no more lies, my wife actually hates me for leaving it so late in life, I have destroyed her, for that I hate myself, not because of who I am, but for not saying sooner. If I could turn back the clock to my late forties and been honest then, my wife could have a life without the burden of me.

So my advice is face the demons and face the outcomes, you will hate yourself for a while, but there will be closure. Clearly it won't be surprise to her, you must decide which pain is worse, you must also be prepared to give up on all you know today... Its not easy, but being who we are is not!



Only you can make your choices... in life and how you handle your moving on.

Best wishes and hope all goes well for you regardless

L Katy xxx

[Vinyl Scratch]

I used a letter to come out, stating the fact that I was going to transition to a female body using HRT and want SRS at the end of it. In the letter I explained things like how I felt when I was a child, some of the stuff I did in secret because I was afraid to do it in front of religious parents, then detailing my teenage years and how difficult it was going through male puberty + how depressed I felt. 

After that it detailed my decision to move forward with transitioning, explaining the procedures, clearing up any misconceptions people have, as well as adding a bit of much needed humour!

By humour I was saying tongue and cheek things like ''don't worry, I wont start stealing your dresses, Im not into that sort of clothing anyway  ''. 

I left the house for an hour or two to let my family discuss it, to let it sink in , I came back we sat down and they just turned around and said, yeah, we absolutely don't mind at all, if you need any help with it just let us know and also they said they were not really that surprised 

After that things were just exactly as they are, accept I am happy that I came out, they don't treat me differently and are in fact now more gentle with me, my father used to be quite harsh on me before coming out, but I think the fact that he now has / will be having a tomboy daughter seems to make him happy

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I think your idea is actually really good, and I wish you the best of luck with it, also my letter, I saved it for the first gender appointment I had to and it REALLY helped push that along!  I only wish I had saved it on my PC!

[Emjay]

Having gone through a divorce pre-transition and knowing how nasty they can get (mine was incredibly nasty), I would advise seeking an attorney's input before putting things like what you will and won't provide in writing as they could absolutely be used against you later. 

I'm *not* saying that you shouldn't do those things, quite the opposite, you should do what you feel is right and I think your intentions are spot on in that you have obligations that need to be fulfilled but by making a written record of it could potentially be used to force you to provide for things you don't intend and for a much longer time period than you intend.  When I went through my divorce, just the fact that I was providing those things initially was enough to force me to continue doing so for quite some time afterward.  I never said, either verbally or in writing that I would, I just did......  and that was enough....

I think that, if you need to write a letter to make sure you say everything you need to say then you should do it.  I would just be very cautious of making promises in writing at this point.

I'm so sorry that your situation has come to this point and that, if it's something that you want, you will both find a way to make things work.  Especially if you show just how serious this is to you....

I'm also really not trying to sound cold about the letter, I'm really not a cold person and I hate having to think that way, but you also need to be able to live and support yourself too.

Hugs,

~Meg

[JoanneB]

The NJ cynic that I am is SCREAMING... Do Not... Absolutely DO NO PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING. Your intentions are admirable but lawyers are..... Well, let's just say there stock in trade is paper, and paper trails. You want to give her all the ammunition in the world to take you to the cleaners in a divorce then....

Besides... IMHO a 'letter' is not the best way. As uncomfortable and as ugly as it may be, something of this magnitude is best done face-face or... via a lawyer trained in letter writing.

[WaterGirl]

Three weeks past, I wrote my wife a long, loving letter, and stood with her as she read it. Then I burned it, and we talked.[emoji170]
Good luck
Katie


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[Mariah]

Megan, your original plan isn't a bid one at all. For reasons stated, I'm not sure I would recommend a letter, but in the end you need to do what works for you. You will never know though tell you face your demons and tell her. I know for me telling my boyfriend, even though it is a different concept isn't all that different, wasn't easy and lots of questions and time it took for him to process but the relationship is stronger than ever as a result of it. It's good to see you made a list to help you decide whether or not to, but in the end you need to follow your heart and make the choices you need for your own health first in order to be able to help your family. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah