No time for the real me

[Shandril]

I came out to my wife and while she says shes kinda ok with it im definitely feeling animosity any time i take a couple hours to myself to dress up and get girly.

The real downer is all the effort i put in to try out new makeup regimes etc.. I finally end up looking decent then heck its bed time so there i am washing away hours of work...

I am trying to respect her boundaries by not being myself in the day with our kids running around and the possibility of company coming over.

But im kind of left in a position where sometimes i feel worse off than i was before i came out to her, at least then i had no false hope of being able to be myself I was never let down in a sense, its sort of a feeling of imprisonment and i feel bad for feeling that way.

I find myself rushing to get dressed or shoving my wig in a drawer if i hear her coming upstairs because of the looks she gives me and things she says i get the feeling shes really just hoping itll go away eventually but at the same time she knows when i get my mind set on somthing nothing can stop me from following through so shes definitely got some frustration.

~Shan~

[stephaniec]

have you thought about couples therapy

[sparrow]

Sounds like you need to make more space for yourself.  Where your wife isn't.  That's hard for married folk.  Is there a transgender support group near you?  Make a friend?  I mentioned to my wife that I wanted to see The Danish Girl, and she suggested that I go to it with one of my girlfriends.  If I wasn't already out, I'd be jumping at this opportunity.  As it is, I just think it's a good idea.

Other ideas: larger cities often have crossdresser meetups; often meeting weekly or monthly for dinner at a certain restaurant.  That's something you could plan around, and you can expect it to be a fairly safe and supportive space.

Since this will involve ditching your wife to take care of the kids for an evening or weekend day, you might want to make a bargain -- you watch 'em for a day in exchange for your day, or something.

[Laura_7]

Well here are a few resources that could help explain:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197598.msg1757491.html#msg1757491


*hugs*

[JoanneB]

Perhaps my wife's thoughts are also yours. "I do not want to be part of my own demise". I describe my wife as supportive, to a point. Not that I can blame her, after all I did drop the T-Bomb out of a clear blue sky.

And then, there are my two oldest and dearest friends, Shame and Guilt. Those two have been the cause of many troubles in my life. Far far more then they thought they were keeping me out of. 'Coming Out' is just the first step of the process. Being trans you have a ton of baggage and these two are the root cause of much of it.

It took several years before my wife was able to hang around the house during my 'Escape' days, back when I was 'Just a CD'. When she finally did I had a ton of guilt over it, being conflicted to say the least. Plus throw in the lack of intimacy for days afterwards because "All I can see is Joanne"

[sparrow]

Plus throw in the lack of intimacy for days afterwards because "All I can see is Joanne"

Wow, this fills me with an odd mix of jealousy and compassion.  Jealous because your wife still saw Joanne when you weren't dressed the part.  My wife used to use intimacy after my CD "episodes" in thinly-veiled attempts to convince me that I wanted to be a man.   She'd coo over my biceps, call me handsome, etc... more bargaining in the grief process... it already hurt because she'd focus on my manliest traits and compliment what made me feel most dysphoric; but the obvious underhanded motivation was just a kick in the stomach.

Another thought, Shan.  Try to see what you can cut out of your regime and still be happy with.  If it takes "a couple hours," notice how you feel when you look in the mirror after those couple hours.  Set a timer for an hour.  Figure out what fits into that hour,   See how you feel.  Is it worth the extra hour plus?  There's something to be said for practicing with makeup and getting a good routine... but if you don't have time for anything else, there's always time to practice later.

Early on, I still had nasty-looking facial hair.  As my male presentation was extra scruffy, shaving was a huge commitment to make... and I didn't (in part at my wife's behest) for quite a while.  I'd look femme enough to be happy when I looked down at my body, but mirrors showed my face and I just avoided them.