Life is not easy

[SueNZ]

After following so many threads of people with strength and conviction at the same time adding my support to some I now find myself needing advice. I am very lucky to have a wife that will try and understand who I am but also throws in belittling comments. I will never pass and is not my goal/focus/desire at the moment and may never be but the negative comments wether whimsical or not hurt me hard and I mentally create an air gap/barrier to enable me to stay stoic so that I don't respond too emotively. This then creates a bigger gap where she does not instigate any physical contact. I then due to my stubborn nature stand back even further.
My wife went to se a counselor when I came out to her 18 months ago and after 1 visit stopped.  I applauded her for her strength as a lot of partners run away.
I do wonder if taking the leap of a discussion with a counsellor together would work or am I afraid of I may need to compromise/bury who I am at certain points
I have a miss and hit lifestyle where I can only briefly be who I want to be.
My wife does not like instigating discussion and me being male shuts off as previous attempts of opening up have left us both beaten up emotionally.
I am sorry to ask as there is more to me and my wife that you know but I need some viewpoints.
I have always been able to soldier through and create outcomes that are positive from bad situations but I feel at a loss with how to move forward with this one.

Sue.

[Laura_7]

A therapist could be very helpful imo.
But it should be a gender therapist, a person aquainted with the subject.

Here are some online therapists :
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

Many cis people cannot relate that easy.

Here are some resouces that might help explain:

http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/

http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf


hugs

[Devlyn]

Big hug! You need to be completely honest with each other. If she hurts you with her comments, tell her she's hurt you, and why it hurts. Otherwise you're making an assumption that she knows, and you know about assumptions...
I hope you get this worked out!

Hugs, Devlyn

[gennee]

Devlyn's right. You both need to be honest with each other
That was what I did when I came out to my spouse. It took time, patience and answers to her questions before she accepted who I was.

[Kerry30Den]

Sometimes people make comments as a way to blow off some steam and not realize how much those comments hurt and dig deep.  It sounds like she's willing to work things out but 2-way communication is vital to making your new situation work.  Joint counseling sessions might be good too but I agree that it should be someone that's familiar with gender issues but also family issues.

These types of conversations are never easy, and difficult to start.  But the talk is worth having, and I hope you can sort things out and continue your life journey happily together.

[SueNZ]

Thank you all for your support and advice.
Its funny how when on the inside you know what you should do but you don't. Now that you have all affirmed what I should do it makes it easier to do those small but difficult steps.
I will make time to discuss this in more depth and also arrange a counsellor that understands the gender aspect alongside marriage.
I will update later the outcomes.

Luv to you all

Sue