transition guilt, help me make a plan...

[Amoré]

Okay I am going through the hardest most toxic time of my life. I lost all my wife, I haven't got employment, my business failed, I lost my dignity, my spirit, hope, dreams.

I am rock bottom.

I can't go back to what I had that is the past and the present will never be that or the same.
I was happy really happy except for some bugs and having gd that I managed.

Today if I look at pictures of me and my daughter together I feel guilty for wanting to give in to gd and transition.
I feel guilty that I am taking her dad away. I mis her very much today I just want to cry

I am also sitting with a job problem and transitioning and presenting female or male at work. Must I tell them I am trans in the interview or just keep quite get the job and tell them later.

Well who went through what I went through and their life was better than before. I am planning on going full time I am trying full time and I got this far early because of situation and life pushing me.

I  feel like living as a woman full time is the only way to get over the hurt of what I lost because of this thing in me. It does not justify the pain that I am enduring at this stage if I have to present male. It just feels wrong and unfair then.
She promised on her life that she will never take me back. Well I guess that means she will never take me back. I don't know what to do.

How must I do the job thing?
How must I move on in life?
How must I start repairing the broken person that I became?
What can I do about the guilt of transitioning?

[Ms Grace]

You're being overwhelmed which is understandable. Try and dial it back a little and focus on the most immediate issues and take little steps to try and resolve them.

I know it can be hard to know for sure, but when are you expecting to transition to being full time? If it's not for several months I don't see a need to tell them in your interview, if it's next week then yeah, you should tell them. Maybe wait and see if you get the job first.

[stephaniec]

well, it depends also on the type of job you going for like just an in between job or career stuff as in special training. Like Ms. grace said depends when you transition too. I hopefully am not causing you more pain , but the more you talk about your wife's attitude I would have to say it sounds like she got a lot more going on there than just your transition and that it's been going through her head for quite awhile.

[Amoré]

well, it depends also on the type of job you going for like just an in between job or career stuff as in special training. Like Ms. grace said depends when you transition too. I hopefully am not causing you more pain , but the more you talk about your wife's attitude I would have to say it sounds like she got a lot more going on there than just your transition and that it's been going through her head for quite awhile.

Thank you I also suspect something else. From that she started at the new company she changed and I have been suspecting an affair also. She told me today I have self esteem issues because I can't get over her.

[Amoré]

I have it real bad today can be the hormones also but I am so emotional

[Serverlan]

Today if I look at pictures of me and my daughter together I feel guilty for wanting to give in to gd and transition.
I feel guilty that I am taking her dad away.

Yes, that's a tough situation and one that I'm also wrestling with at the moment. There's no right or wrong answer to this problem, which is, depending on how I'm feeling, both a comforting and angst-inducing thing to realise.

[Tech_Nymph]

I am rock bottom.

How must I do the job thing?
How must I move on in life?
How must I start repairing the broken person that I became?
What can I do about the guilt of transitioning?

It has been my experience, that in my darkest hours, when no light shines in my corner and I'm broken beyond repair. I reflect on my weaknesses and through that knowledge I find my strengths. I then reinforce both my weaknesses and strengths to make myself a stronger/happier person.

Acceptance that there is nothing we can do to make other people change for that is their own life. We can only live for ourselves and hope to surround ourselves with like minded people that love us for who we are.

I'm so sorry that you feel guilty for your daughter. And while her "dad" may not be exactly the same on the outside. I can tell from your writing that the love and compassion you have for her has never changed. Nobody can take that away from you or her. Children don't have to accept the affection of their parents. But that's not what parenting is about. It's about supporting them when they need you, and simply being there if they fall. You haven't taken any sort of "dad" away. It would be like rationalizing wearing a different pair of jeans voids being a loving caring parent, which is silly.

In this dark hour when it seems all the doors have closed there is one that just opened. You now have the freedom to be exactly who you want to be. There is nothing holding you back at this point. And that ties in to employment as well. If you go full time I would be upfront and honest with possible employers now in order to save from coming out later. Ultimately though its your decision.

Explore yourself and the world around you. Explore new things that bring you joy. You are not broken in my eyes. You're perfectly flawed and that gives you depth and personality. This is a world full of opportunities and ideas. Be original and be yourself and you will find all the pieces you lost will come back together with some new pieces as well seemingly on their own.

By transitioning you are doing nothing wrong. It may be more in depth then a haircut per se. But like a haircut, it's a reflection of who you are. You aren't doing it to cause harm. You're doing it because that's who you are. You have to live for you.
It would be wrong to make you feel guilty for simply trying to be who you are don't ya think?

If you was here and I'd give you a huge hug.

Sincerely, with as many hugs possible, 
Tech_Nymph

[DanaDane]

Yes, that's a tough situation and one that I'm also wrestling with at the moment. There's no right or wrong answer to this problem, which is, depending on how I'm feeling, both a comforting and angst-inducing thing to realise.

I am being told this very thing.  "I am taking away my daughter's father".  Who is going to be their male role model growing up?  Who is going to set an example to them? 

Of course, I broke down crying.

[Amoré]

Thank you tech_nymph

She really hurt me today also telling me maybe she should get someone else to spite me. Why do she want to hurt me? It looks like she is getting revenge with divorce because she told me I should I should suffer for what I did.She don't see all the struggles with gd as fighting to keep things together. She sees it as a choice. She told me if I really loved her I would have beaten it. The list goes on and on. 

I know the woman that I can become can be unique and really something special. I was something unique as a man because of my gd attributes. For me now it is if my whole world is ripped to pieces I must figure out who I am without her as we where together from high school we where growing together and co-dependent.

The problem that I realised with her is she became a bully in her quest not to be bullied. I according to her bullied her into being bisexual. I bullied her into me spending my money on things I wanted. According to her she was not allowed to put herself first. Now she put herself first but in the process put my child last.

She is divorcing,me her reason: for being transgender and all of the things that comes with it. Okay I am not a cross dresser never was I tried it now and then and it was not for me. I tried makeup and foundation. I also wanted to grow my hair out at a time. But because men is expected to look masculine they think long hair must be messy and greasy.

She said she is always the one that was wrong in all situations and I forced her to be wrong.I never brought my part in the house if she asked me nicely. Okay her way of asking me nicely is throwing a fit and screaming at me because I should have taken initiative in doing the task. Then the part that she tried to be the best wife she could and it wasn't enough to un-trans me or make me not transition and stay a man.

Okay then she told me I told her I love her but I could not show it in the worst of times. I assume this is when she asked me to stay a man and I did not really want too. I wanted to transition at that point the get the noise out of my head. I also did not make piece with myself at that stage and accepted that I had dysphoria.

I can understand some of the frustration and why she may feel how she do. For her this is enough to call it quits and divorce.

In the end I wanted to stay a man. I wanted to change and bring my part. I wanted to love her and be the best man she could ask for. I told her I will take all the blame.

[Eva Marie]

Amoré-

She really hurt me today also telling me maybe she should get someone else to spite me. Why do she want to hurt me?

Because she is emotionally manipulating you - you are right, she is a bully. Emotional manipulators tend to be very subtle. They can twist the truth around and blame you for something that you had no part of and make you believe it. Emotional manipulation is a method of using words, body language and behavior for the purposes of provoking a particular reaction, getting a desired response or to just to exact revenge.

Please google "emotional manipulation" and read some of the links you find. She may have had emotional abuse heaped on her as a child and now shes repeating the cycle on you.

She is not a nice person - you will only begin to heal when you put space between you and her.

[Tech_Nymph]

Amoré-

Because she is emotionally manipulating you - you are right, she is a bully. Emotional manipulators tend to be very subtle. They can twist the truth around and blame you for something that you had no part of and make you believe it. Emotional manipulation is a method of using words, body language and behavior for the purposes of provoking a particular reaction, getting a desired response or to just to exact revenge.

She is not a nice person - you will only begin to heal when you put space between you and her.

I'm so glad somebody said it!! I was afraid to cross the line by saying it. But it's true. The way she blames herself throwing a big pity party until you admit fault, then driving you into the ground playing the blame game. This is a highly manipulative person. With the sights pointed at you now that she has an excuse to blame everything wrong on you. You don't deserve the hell you're being put through. None of the nonsense she's pulling is of your doing. There's no justifying how wrong this is. You deserve better then this.

[Amoré]

This is a new one well she told me I must be over divorce because she told me 6 months ago that she want to divorce. She felt sorry for me that is why she did not divorce six months ago. She has a whole list of things that she is accusing me of but I put distance between me and her because she kicked me out of the house and my strange behaviour stopped except that we communicate on social media. She is bugging my family to know what I am up to where I am where I am a straight person.

She got this strange I'm the man attitude these days. Like she told me she has got a good job she can look after her and her child she don't need me and all the crap that my gd is bringing into her life. Well if you are broken down even more each day cause you had gd and you sit in your room crying and that is what I did the last six months went to a couple of interviews for work but I was sitting depressed crying the whole time being treated like some sort of worthless animal.

I was crawling at her feet sunday before I left and told her I will stay a man I will do anything please I beg you. I begged like a slave. Each day for the last 6 months became a struggle with keeping things together and trying to rescue my marriage. She thinks I am nothing without her. That is what she wants me to believe she thinks I can get no one. Well truly I may be trans but give me a year or two too get through puberty again  then we will see.

I already started to play around on lesbeen dating sites and got hooked and woman telling me I am damn beautiful. What a  booster. Well then it is by woman that are 10's themselves I can't post pictures of them but against my wife they are something else! I don't know what I rate on their scale then.

So will I be undateable ummmm I guess not her prediction is wrong. People are physically attracted to me already! So maybe I am blessed in looks I don't know and don't want to brag and really don't want to know. All I know is that bursting her little ego bubble will bring me great joy. Because she made me feel worthless and even more so as a woman because I will never pass I will look like a man. Who would like a freak? Well who would like a damn bully would any man want a emotionally abusive wife? I don't know but I don't want her although I love her and miss her or must I say the old her not this woman I know now.

[Tech_Nymph]

Every day that goes by, we as people come in contact with thousands if not millions of possibilities. Through our interactions we change an incremental amount with the days passing.  While you were changing, emotionally dealing with everything leading up to this very point, she has been doing the same. But she changed into a person incompatible with you.
There is no harm in the memories of what once was, because it gives you insight on the qualities to look for in someone else. But don't let memories cloud what has become. In other words don't fret over milk that has turned sour. Because she's going beyond sour when it got to the point of emotionally abusing you. Rancid would be more fitting.

Most of all though. You're gonna get through this. Even if it's one step at a time.
Nymph