I'm Losing It. . .

[shanetastic]

I'm going to keep this somewhat vague just because it's going to be a book if I don't.  But first off, I was pretty much notified on Thursday and due to personal, school, and parental issues, I had to stop HRT for a while.

With that being said, this weekend has been the weekend from hell.  I am completely losing my mind and going crazy I think.  I haven't talked to my parents all weekend and ended cussing them out tonight, and then staying out until about 2 am to make sure they were asleep before I came home.  Lately I've been doing great, getting all A's in every course that I'm taking at the college, and I'm falling apart right now, again.  I've been crying for like the past hour and just can't stop and I don't understand why.  I just want to die right now everything is so horrible.  I'm just short with everyone, and have no one to talk to right now.

[Wing Walker]

It's crucial that you find out what is at the root of your disintegration.  Is it the need to put-off HRT?  Is it the effects of not having estrogen?  Is it possibly a cyclic occurrence? 

These are just some basic questions that might help to guide your thinking.

Let's talk again later today, OK?

Wing Walker

[shanetastic]

It's crucial that you find out what is at the root of your disintegration.  Is it the need to put-off HRT?  Is it the effects of not having estrogen?  Is it possibly a cyclic occurrence? 

These are just some basic questions that might help to guide your thinking.

Let's talk again later today, OK?

Wing Walker

Well, I guess right now I can go by one of those old saying that when one thing goes wrong everything goes wrong.  My computer just crashed last night now and I lost all my homework for all my classes, so now I'm screwed there too.  Everything was just so peaceful and I found an equilibrium it seemed like now it's just all fallen apart.  I'm not sure what exactly is causing me to be like this, perhaps the fact that I had to stop HRT or something?  I don't really know right now, all I know is that i'm falling apart and everything around me is too.  It's crappy how when one thing goes wrong everything else does too.

[Karla B]

If you've been on 'mones' for a while and then suddenly stop, yeah you can get these kind of reactions.   Your computer crashing, disagreements with your folks and what ever can cause sudden emotional outbursts.         You should go and see your Doc and see if he/she can help. In the mean time just be carefull.

[Wing Walker]

Well, I guess right now I can go by one of those old saying that when one thing goes wrong everything goes wrong.  My computer just crashed last night now and I lost all my homework for all my classes, so now I'm screwed there too.  Everything was just so peaceful and I found an equilibrium it seemed like now it's just all fallen apart.  I'm not sure what exactly is causing me to be like this, perhaps the fact that I had to stop HRT or something?  I don't really know right now, all I know is that I'm falling apart and everything around me is too.  It's crappy how when one thing goes wrong everything else does too.

I believe that your life is being affected by one of Murphy's Multiple Laws:  90% of everything is crud.  Perhaps the late Gilda Radner articulated it best when playing Roseanne Roseanna Danna:  "It's always something.  If it's not one thing, it's another."

Sit back an survey the mess you're dealing with.  Figure out which problem you can *effectively* deal with first, then go and do it.  I don't know of anyone who, when in the midst of a swirling, tornado-like mess can fix all their problems at the same time.

IMHO, you might want to try to reconstruct your homework first, then back-up your work on a floppy or CD every so often.  Your original work might be the hardest thing to replace.

Resolving one issue at a time should help you fix all of them in a reasonable time.

Hope this helps.

Wing Walker

[cindybc]

Hi shanetastic 
Once you get a pooter that is working, maybe start systematically restoring the parts of your school work that is fresh in your mind or what ever you do remember do first, and as you go the rest may come to mind as well. At least that would be a good start.

Or after you get your pooter working again you might want to try resetting the Window's system restore point to back before you had your work you lost in there, it may bring it back up again.

Cindy

[shanetastic]

Well. . . I don't know what to do.  I just came home for the first time since yesterday, and instantly my idiotic dad decided to yell at me because he's a freaking moron.  Then to top it off, they were the ones that broke my computer.  Now with a mid term tomorrow I can't focus, can't attempt to study and I just want to get the hell out of here.  I'm sick of this town and I absolutely hate my parents and don't know what to do.  Now tomorrow I'm going to fail my mid term, and then be stuck with these ->-bleeped-<-s again to deal with. 

[Wing Walker]

Can you ask your professor/instructor if you can take a make-up test?  I did that when I wrecked my car.

One problem at a time, right?

Wing Walker

[shanetastic]

I already talked to him about it through emails, he's not going to let me make it up under any circumstance.  On a worse note though!  Hello Murphy's Law every that can happen horribly in one day does.  Now I just got rejected from the school I was applying to.  Is it safe to say that now everything that's horrible has happened?

[Terra]

Shanetastic, i'm not going to say that I know what you are going through, since I know that will feel like a belittlement to your own problems. But I think the others are right when it comes to dealing with your homework so hopefully I can give some ideas as how to deal with the rest of your life.

I don't know why you stopped HRT and you don't have to tell us if you don't want, but some of your emotional roller coaster will be caused simply by stopping the 'mones and the rest by your body working without them. I hope you get the problem sorted out but just remember if you feel anxiety or anger coming on to try and take a step back and take a deep breath before you go back to the problem.

Your parents? I'm not sure if you are still living with them or if any of their problems have anything to do with you stopping, but try to dismantle the problem. If there is anything you can do to solve it, then try to. If not, then try and take a breather from them, go study or read a book in the local park or do something physically fun. It lets you relax or burn off the emotional energy, which might help a bit. Most definetly go do something fun with your friends, even if its just hanging out. It never hurts to be surrounded by your friends.

Finally as for the school rejecting you, keep trying. Even if you don't end up with the one you had wanted, it might turn out to be for the best. I can honestly tell you that my own school I'm at now is not my first choice(or second, or third...), but despite some social trouble has actually turned out pretty good so far academically and socially. So keep that in mind.

Just try and take a deep breath hun, no matter how dark it gets things tend to have a way of working themselves out if you stick with it. Don't forget that all of us here will give you an ear and shoulder no matter when you may need it. I really hope that things start looking your way soon.

[shanetastic]

Shanetastic, i'm not going to say that I know what you are going through, since I know that will feel like a belittlement to your own problems. But I think the others are right when it comes to dealing with your homework so hopefully I can give some ideas as how to deal with the rest of your life.

I don't know why you stopped HRT and you don't have to tell us if you don't want, but some of your emotional roller coaster will be caused simply by stopping the 'mones and the rest by your body working without them. I hope you get the problem sorted out but just remember if you feel anxiety or anger coming on to try and take a step back and take a deep breath before you go back to the problem.

Your parents? I'm not sure if you are still living with them or if any of their problems have anything to do with you stopping, but try to dismantle the problem. If there is anything you can do to solve it, then try to. If not, then try and take a breather from them, go study or read a book in the local park or do something physically fun. It lets you relax or burn off the emotional energy, which might help a bit. Most definetly go do something fun with your friends, even if its just hanging out. It never hurts to be surrounded by your friends.

Finally as for the school rejecting you, keep trying. Even if you don't end up with the one you had wanted, it might turn out to be for the best. I can honestly tell you that my own school I'm at now is not my first choice(or second, or third...), but despite some social trouble has actually turned out pretty good so far academically and socially. So keep that in mind.

Just try and take a deep breath hun, no matter how dark it gets things tend to have a way of working themselves out if you stick with it. Don't forget that all of us here will give you an ear and shoulder no matter when you may need it. I really hope that things start looking your way soon.

After all their support and months of therapy I got on HRT.  But, then all of a sudden, my parents decided that I was making a mistake and said stop doing it.  That's why I'm not on HRT right now.  I just feel so overwhelemd and just can't deal with everything that just all of a sudden happened.  I don't know what to do, where to start, or why to even care anymore.  I just can't cope with this, and I can't talk to anyone about anything that's happening right now.  If I take a breather from my parents, they get all anal and keep calling my cell phone like every 5 minutes because they think I'm going to kill myself or some crap.  They ended up calling my friends to try to find out where I was and it's just so annoying.  I don't have like any personal space or freedom, yet they are the ones denying me everything at the same time.  It's so contradicting on their part.

[Terra]

*nods* Ok, I think I understand a little better now. What your parents are doing is the same thing that my friends are doing, and quite possibly everyone here on the board has had someone do to them as well.

Your parents are scared, they are scared of what this in the end means for you, for them, and so on. They are scared that you won't be able to get a job, to support yourself, to find someone who will love you. Everything a parent worries about and the trans bit makes all those fears and nightmares worse. It sucks, but that is just how parents think. Now that may not be all of it, but i'm willing to bet it most certainly has something to do with it. I'm also willing to bet that they didn't quite believe about you  until you actually started the HRT and then it got slapped across their faces. It explains their worry and calling up your friends and the lack of personal space.

I think you and your parents are fighting over a miscommunication. I assume since you started HRT you were seeing a therapist, so I suggest you and your parents talk it out where there is a moderator to help keep you and your parent's tempers in check. I'm positive that they will flare while you talk. It sounds like your parents can be understanding if they were accepting up until you started HRT, so I think they will be understanding once things get out in the open.

Hun, I know it seems unfair, but we are all human, and we all sometimes let our emotions and fears get away from us. I don't think your parents have anything but the best of intentions, so just take the time to work with them. I understand you feel lost, but every storm breaks. Even if you have to take a step back, it might be just the thing to see the path forward. So talk it out with your parents and get some outlet for those emotions or they will eat at you until you do something stupid.

[ketti]

It just sucks when people in power (parents) act out of fear doesn't it?
I think it could be a good thing that they think you might kill yourself or something. Because that might mean they realize (or at least partly realize) that it was i stupid idea to force you off HRT. You should talk to them about how you feel about everything, and sooner or later they might even belive you..

[cindybc]

Hi shanetastic

I do not go along with the idea of letting your parent's think where you might loose it and go jump off some cliff someplace will be beneficial for you. That will only make maters worst, they could actually try to get you committed and then, kiss the therapist and the hormones good by for goodness knows how long.

I will go along with Angel that very most likely unless your parent's are idiots they must love you and are really concerned about what is happening to you. Many people will not understand that kind of thing, GID. But of one thing I do not agree with is any violence your parents may demonstrate against you if especially not provoked for such is not a very ideal position to be in to work things out.

Sincerest care

Cindy

[ketti]

I do not go along with the idea of letting your parent's think where you might loose it and go jump off some cliff someplace will be beneficial for you. That will only make maters worst, they could actually try to get you committed and then, kiss the therapist and the hormones good by for goodness knows how long.

I didn't mean to suggest doing something dangerous, but i think it is important not to pretend everything is fine when it is not. Also psychologists always tell you that they wont let you on HRT unless you are emotionaly stable. But they certainly wouldn't leave you alone just because your not. If you hide all your problems because you are afraid it might have bad consequences if you let people see, it will give the wrong impressions and psychologists (as well as every one else) will have a hard time trying to understand you (i know because i do that mistake all the time!).

[cindybc]

Hi  ketti hon, you might have part of the answer right there. Shantastic if you could make arrangements to go see your therapist and discuss with him all of your problems, calmly, about what is up or down between you and your parents and the disturbance it is creating for you to even complete college. You may even have an ace up your sleeve with this therapist.

Cindy

[shanetastic]

I'm seeing her this Monday, but for now, to make sure I didn't go crazy I started my HRT again, but my parents don't know for the time being.  I'm feeling better, yet again, but I don't want them to go crazy on me if they figure it out, but for the time being I don't really care.

[NickSister]

I sort of come into this conversation late, I ran out of time yesterday to reply.

I was going to suggest you go back on your hormones if your parents don't really have a say in the matter. This is what you need, it was agreed upon. Hopefully you will feel calmer and more able to deal with the current issues. They should not be able to pull the plug at short notice as it has obviously made you feel a bit haywire, at least not without going through a process first of talking it through with councillors etc and any doctors involved. They need to realise that you can't just pull the plug suddenly as this could be bad for your health (both mental and physical).

My suggestion was going to be that you talk to them about their reaction, make them understand that it would be bad for your mental state and health to stop suddenly and that if they want you to stop it should only be fair that you all talk it out with the professionals because the yo-yo effect is really bad for everyone. This way you are acknowledge their concerns and provide a way forward that will suit everyone, a way out of this mess.

How did your mid terms go? I hope they weren't a total write off.

Take care
Nick

[shanetastic]

I sort of come into this conversation late, I ran out of time yesterday to reply.

I was going to suggest you go back on your hormones if your parents don't really have a say in the matter. This is what you need, it was agreed upon. Hopefully you will feel calmer and more able to deal with the current issues. They should not be able to pull the plug at short notice as it has obviously made you feel a bit haywire, at least not without going through a process first of talking it through with councillors etc and any doctors involved. They need to realise that you can't just pull the plug suddenly as this could be bad for your health (both mental and physical).

My suggestion was going to be that you talk to them about their reaction, make them understand that it would be bad for your mental state and health to stop suddenly and that if they want you to stop it should only be fair that you all talk it out with the professionals because the yo-yo effect is really bad for everyone. This way you are acknowledge their concerns and provide a way forward that will suit everyone, a way out of this mess.

How did your mid terms go? I hope they weren't a total write off.

Take care
Nick

I called my therapist today to see if she could calm them down a bit.  There is still some strain in the family right now, but they are treating me unequal compared to my brother, but they just keep denying it.  Again, I'm seeing the therapist next week so we'll have more time to talk and then she can call my parents again or something to discuss the matter with them.  Either way they don't need to know right now about my personal choices.  I can support myself for a while here without there help too, so in time they'll come around and in the meantime I don't really need them.  The mid terms went okay, I think I knew a lot more than I actually thought, but we'll see when the test results come in tonight.

[gothique11]

*hugs* I hope everything works out for you!