Repression, trauma...what to do?

[frances_larina]

I was raised by conservative Christians.  Being gay was considered a really, really bad "choice of behaviors".  Thinking I was a girl was grounds for getting sent to an asylum & my folks let me know this.  They also had a penchant for corporal punishment & my dad was a world class gaslighting expert.  Both folks are children of alcoholics, so they have their own baggage.  Oh, and I also was severely shamed for being smart (Aspie, I now know, with all the social deficiencies, though I've found many workarounds) and for having various spectrum attributes such as sensory issues, mild ocd, mild face blindness, and an introvert.  All were blamed on me for not trying hard enough to obey and conform.

Anyway, I tried to be myself until I was maybe 6 or 7 and then gave up.  I repressed...everything, including my sense of Self.  33, maybe 34 years later an event happened that brought it all to the surface and consciousness again.  Suddenly I realized what and who I was and knew I had to transition.

Problem is, I can't.  Oh, I'm amazingly lucky to have health coverage, an understanding spouse (much as she can, though she's not a cheerleader), and I've spent the last 7-8 years working through various issues to the point where I can expect a reasonably successful transition.  And hrt for that time has done a lot of good.  But I can't do it.  It's like a massive, opaque wall surrounds my true self.  The descriptions of c-ptsd fit perfectly and given my upbringing that included truly sadistic reparative therapy, I'm guessing that's the cause.

I've tried eight therapists.  The few in this area who are trans aware have no skill/experience with trauma, especially childhood trauma that wasn't just a single, violent event.  The very few who might help with trauma appear to have no understanding of gender identity, or flat out deny trans people are real.  And even fewer understand AS/ASD.  The biggest problem, though, is there are literally hundreds of therapists in the two nearby counties and 95% of them are what my spouse calls, "therapists for special snowflakes who live in somewhat affluent suburbs but don't feel like life is meaningful enough". 

So what do I do?  I am blocking myself from transitioning, much as I want to and am able and and otherwise ready.  I keep having "mini-breakdowns" on the weekends where I spend the day either curled in a ball with a tension-triggered migraine or simply lie in bed in a fugue state.  Weekdays I of course automatically pack it all away like was trained as a child and do what is expected of me...I can't stop it, it's like an automaton.

[Dena]

I would go with the gender therapist for two reasons. First, you will be more comfortable with somebody who will accept you for what you are. Second, to all degree all of us who suppressed our feelings for years had some degree of trauma to overcome. Maybe not to the extend that you did but at least the therapist won't be completely unfamiliar with the other issues you need to deal with. Even if I am wrong, it's far better than being curled up in a ball with no help.

[frances_larina]

I would go with the gender therapist for two reasons. First, you will be more comfortable with somebody who will accept you for what you are. Second, to all degree all of us who suppressed our feelings for years had some degree of trauma to overcome. Maybe not to the extend that you did but at least the therapist won't be completely unfamiliar with the other issues you need to deal with. Even if I am wrong, it's far better than being curled up in a ball with no help.

Thank you.  The problem I'm having with that choice is that of the hundreds of therapists in the surrounding counties, virtually all that advertise as "specializing" in children, sexuality, couples/relationships or a few other categories have added "gender identity" to their list.  I've called a handful & not one has had more than one trans client.  Most eventually admit they have had zero but "went to a seminar on transgender children" or something similar.  Also, my first gender therapist when I first started is pretty renowned in the region, but we ended up fighting when she told me my spouse and I couldn't/wouldn't stay together (she transitioned in the 1970's).  So, I'm not having the greatest luck with gender therapists.  Also, right now my primary problem is not accepting my gender or my need to transition; it is with years of built up trauma & repression.  Quite frankly, I'm stuck...

[Laura_7]

Could you post the next big city near you ? There might be resources on susans by people from there.

Another way might be to ask plannedparenthood or a lgbt center for counseling, or a transgender group.
They might know some counselors.

A third way might be to look for online counselors.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html

I gonna tell you a secret.
There might be one way to get rid of some traumatic memories.
You might try to relax and get in a deeply relaxed state.
There you might try to imagine your memories as you would have liked them.
This can if repeated a few times overwrite your old memories.
This gives you the chance to rewrite your past.

Do this at your own risk and if possible with a therapist.
Its possible a few times of repeating are necessary, or unwanted pictures appear.
It might be necessary then to mentally change the pictures to the desired outcome.

You might also do something similar with the feminine side of you.
You might try to imagine how it would be...

Don't overdo it, just getting a feeling and a connection, so you have something to hold on to.

You might also talk this through with a therapist.

-changing memories
-trying to get in touch with what you'd like.

[Rachel]

It sounds like you are reliving the guilt, shame and trauma over and over in different forms. I would recommend a good gender therapist that has experience in dealing with trauma, guilt and shame. What you are experiencing probably spills out in every aspect of your life and you probable judge yourself harshly. Does this sound like you? Well it is similar to a lot of trans experiences.

[genevie]

I've tried eight therapists.  The few in this area who are trans aware have no skill/experience with trauma

This sounds like someone I know. I've known many people who felt they needed to work through the past. I've also known many therapists who's approach was basically you explain what happened and now let's move on. One I met who told me to move on, I just couldn't see it at the time. Later I understood. The past has power because we let it. It is common in today's society to blame everything on some diagnosis or some past event. We can't change those things. Learning to function within the framework of who we are can be difficult, but that is the goal. It is my goal.

[frances_larina]

Thank you for these replies!  They gave me additional perspectives and helped me find my underlying question better.   Sometimes it's hard to know what I really need.

I'm going to keep looking for a good-fit therapist.  I'll start calling and interviewing.  But I think it may take a while to find one that can help without harming.  I need to accept that, too, but not give up.

In the meantime, does anyone have any good coping strategies for a) not allowing myself to transition although I've accepted i need to, and b) the effects of long term trauma as a child?

Thank you, again.  This has helped so much already!  :-)

[Dena]

Over the short term, distraction helps coping. I doesn't work over the long term.

Childhood trauma is like any other therapy issue. If you can put it behind you, the outcome will be good. I if you continue to live with it, you will continue to be in pain. I have put the pain of my pre surgical life behind me but not the memories. I remember the old me but it no longer hurts.

[frances_larina]

An update: Eventually, I worked through it.  That's been my pattern, getting more and more stressed and dysfunctional up until the moment I work through a problem or issue and then it's gone. And I start working on the next one. Nice thing I've noticed is that they have consistently gotten smaller and smaller over time and as my transition and healing progresses. Fits nicely into when people say, "you'll know when you are ready to take the next step forward". It's not a painless process, but they are correct.  Thank you everyone for your support.  :-)