I don't really know where to begin, but i'l start by telling about my life. I've probably missed things out, but it's hard trying to say how I feel. If you've any more questions just ask me and i'l answer them. I'm also sorry for it being so long, but i'd really appreciate your help.
When I was little, I don't think I felt like this. I didn't really understand the concept of gender at all. I think I remember wanting to play with girls toys - when I was walking to school with my mum and brother one day, I saw a boy with his mum, and he had a doll in a push chair. I thought to myself "wow - if he's got one it's okay for me to have one!". It really hurt me when my mum and brother were laughing at him because of it. That's the only thing i can remember, probably because it hurt so much.
When i recognised I felt different I told myself different reasons - one time I believed it was because I was a girl in my past life. I don't know how old I was, or when I started doing it.
I'l skip ahead to when I was about 15 or so. I met a friend on the internet via a forum. She's transgendered also, and she's helped me alot with it. I'm so happy i've met her, and to be honest I don't know what i would have done without her. She talks to me as a girl, and calls me Amy. She makes me feel feminine, and helps me generally. I do the same to her too. She's the only one that does it, and it means so much to me.
When I admitted it to myself, it hit me hard. By this time, I had a girlfriend who I talked to on the internet. You can think it's pathetic, but you can't choose who you fall in love with, and we're so deep in love. Apart from school, my days are just spent on the computer talking to her, and she does the same. I told her about it, and it affected her alot. She split up with me, because she couldn't love me as a girl, and she wouldn't like it if i cross dressed. I don't want to hear about how awful she is, because she feels so guilty about it. She helps me alot too; she shows me that being a boy makes her happy, and more than anything, that's what I want. If she wanted to kill me, I would let her. I don't want to spend too long on this, so i'l just say that eventually I learn to cope most of the time and everythings hunky dorey. What i'm really proud of was that i bought myself a bra. I felt so feminine in it, but i threw it away, because my girlfriend didn't like it (althought she did let me do it). I plan on spending a long time with her, and i'm going to meet her in about a month or two.
About ten months ago, I told my mum how I felt. She didn't take it very well. She cried and told me I was a disappointment. Even now, she can't stay in the same room with me, talk to me, or look at me. All she ever does is talk to me like crap. I told my dad about it about 2 months afterwards. He took it alot better, and said he wants to help. He said that i'll always have a home here if i get a sex change, but he doesn't know whether i'll be accepted in the household. I have a sister who's 9 who i'm really close to, and a brother who's 15 who i'm getting closer to.
About five months ago, I decided to buy some anti-androgens off the internet for myself. It was a huge relief not to be scard anymore about becoming more masculine; I could actually sleep. It was more difficult for me to get an erection. It was just so nice. When I was out, my dad looked through my school bag, and found the pills. He told my mum, and she cried. My dad was angry at me, and talked to me about it in the car. He made me promise not to take them anymore, and I did. I still haven't taken any. It was a huge shock to go from anti-androgens to nothing, and it took me a long time to be able to cope again.
About how being transgendered makes me feel - I can't look at my body...I don't ever look at it in the mirror. It just looks so wrong...I look like a girl with a huge cock. Even having a bath is so hard, everytime I have one i want to cry. When I dream and I can tell how I look, I am a girl. I find it really hard to go outside, and face the world as a boy - i'm so ashamed. I can't think of what else to say about it - I'm find it really hard to put into words.
Life has come to a point where I just can't cope anymore. It's not so hard when i'm at the computer, but elsewhere, like at school, it is extremely tough. The only way I can do it is to get totally drunk or get stoned, but my girlfriend doesn't like that, and nor does my friend. Everytime I get sober I just feel like I want to cry. My grades last year were terrible - C,E,E,E. I only managed to scrape in last year. They were gonna kick me out, because I didn't get the required grades, but after a meeting with the deputy head they let me. I just don't know how i'm going to improve my grades feeling like this. I feel so divided in my uniform. I hate how everyone sees me as a boy, and talks to me like a boy. I hate it when they call me "Pete" constantly. When I'm away from the computer I want to cry all the time. I'd also like to also hear your opinions on my life, some advice on how I can cope now, and just anything else you want to say.
If i've missed something out, i'l edit it in tomorrow, i'l also read through it tomorrow - i've got to go to bed now! I spent about 45 minutes typing this, it took longer than i thought!
Thank you ^_^
