Can I just rip my heart out!

[JoanneB]

Many of the current events do justify you giving her the figurative finger. It, quite sadly, seems that no matter what you do, or how much you may grow and change as a person all the time presenting as male and venturing through the uncharted waters of managing your GD, she will not change how she sees you. Yes, there is always a chance she may change, but the odds do seem very much against it.

The sadness and especially what I call the Death Spiral of despair and depression often narrows your vision as well as clouding your mind. While I totally agree how sweet revenge can feel coupled with the euphoria of raising the flag of Amore', there are other factors to consider, such as your child's best interests and your 'exposure' in a legal sense. If the fighting now is so very upsetting to the kid, what will WWIII be like? You heard from others as well as me the long term effects that can have. Not to say everything will be rosey if you don't. Just that thumbing your nose to your wife will guarantee a war. A couple of visits to a child psychologist later and you'll likely never have visitation or custody rights. Going to war also makes you the clear No-GoodNick, being incorrigible, not wanting to work things out, and causing great emotional distress to your wife and child. What other choice did your wife have besides divorce and a restraining order? It does not sound to me like she is a 'No-Fault' divorce sort of woman. So where do you think you'll wind up in the blame game with 'At-Fault' = Pay Out Big $$$ ?

The schemer in me is saying right now you have a fair chance of making her the bad-guy. She obviously is going out of her way to aggravate you to the point of perhaps violence. Against her or even self-harm. Heck, even throwing a glass against a wall counts. Either way she wins. Then the depriving you of life saving anti-depressents! Sounds like lighting a fuse on a keg of gun powder to me. All while kicking a guy when he is down, as in out of work. (I am hoping a paper trail to show you are actively seeking employment). Many of her exploits you document here in real time. That all screams capital B I T C H. At least it's something. Perhaps even better if you file first since she is in effect trying to kill you by depriving you of the anti-depressents and/or getting you to check in to a hospital. In a divorce court, depending on where you live, you likely have 2 strikes against you coming to the plate just with her playing the 'Trans' card without any aggravating factors like starting a war at home

[Amoré]

I can understand the concern. She is seeing us as seperated she told me I can do what I want she don't care but I am doing what I wanted by just trying to be me and be a good husband and then I get bashed for it.

So I just want to do the best to let go.

[Amoré]

Can she use it against me in court if I start dressing and living full time from lets say tomorrow?

[Dena]

As it has been said before, see a lawyer. This is already way out of hand and the laws are different in different countries.

[cheryl reeves]

Sounds like she is trying to have you kill youself so she can collect off your death. Run fast to a divorce attorney before it's too late.

[Amoré]

I haven't really got a clue what she is trying to achieve!

I know I am sitting heart wrenched,broken,torn apart!

I already have health issues due to the abuse and tress and everything and what do she do dig the whole even further for me to fall in.

How can I still love this person am I this naive! I fear there is really no roads left it is easy to say move on but not really. 

I can't really can't keep my gd under bay if I am sitting with a divorce on hand it is looking to destroy me now and say you are getting divorced so transition and get it done with and never stop. This will make the divorce concrete for myself also because I know what the result of transition would have meant in the first place.

I am so embarrassed because I am taking this thing so hard and I feel stupid for not walking out easy.

I can't really answer what I am looking for anymore in this relationship except being with my child. The past was amazing with my wife but it seems amazing is gone now. All that is left is this thing!

[Amoré]

so if I get to the point of accepting this divorce thing and I am slowly getting ther because this is her choice. What would you advice for transitioning when do I start living as female or is it advisable to do it?

I can't change her mind I tried being good showing her the best sides of me tried being a prince I want to be a princess now!

[Deborah]

I would get a lawyer first before deciding anything.  I don't know your laws there.  Maybe waiting until the divorce is final and custody issues are settled would work out better for you.  If you transitioned now and went to court in a custody hearing would that harm your case?  Only a lawyer in your country can tell you that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Lyndsey]

I went to get my antidepressants this morning and found out my wife took me of her medical aid. How can you be so spitefull and heartless is a couple of bucks in your pocket worth more than someones life?

I am so hurt by this.

I stood standing in a queue and the woman tells me sorry you haven't got medical aid you have to pay cash for your pills. This is my antidepressants for god sake!!!!! I need them!!!!!

I can't believe what this relationship has come too that someone can stoop so low this is beyond low in my eyes. I stood there shocked and did not know what to say.

I confronted her and she sayd I am not her responsibility anymore I must start looking after myself but I am unemployed. I told her now I am so fed up with her ->-bleeped-<- because she is creating unnecessary drama and fights with her spitefull behaviour and emotional abusive crap.

I wish I can just rip my heart out so that I feel nothing no more for her!

She is telling me when she did not want me to become a woman I became one well I started hormones. She actually backed me in it and is denying everything now. Now that I want to stay I man I must go <not allowed> myself she told me.

I just want to rip my own heart out so I just don't feel anything when I started crying she told me how weak I am and that I must go and piss at another place the same old story.

I told her here I am standing I am giving everything I am trying I am trying my best and what do I get a <not allowed> you. She said she can see that I am trying but I am not going to fix it in two days well we are at 3 weeks actually.

I am heart broken again. She acused me of in a couple of months I am going to lose control and the female in me is going to take over. I asked her so you are sying I must transition she told me now I must not I told her but you are telling me I am skrewed now you want to tell me I am going to lose to her and then when I tell you well then I will transition you tell me it is wrong!

I am just venting I don't know where else to speak

Hi Amore

She can't take you off as you are still legally married. If you took that to a judge they would scream at her and make her pay you back and pay for your health problems. that is very spiteful and the judges hate that. thing like that can put her in jail. I'm sorry I have to say this but, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!!! NOW!

I'm here If you want to talk Just PM me so it isn't out public

Love
Lyndsey

[Asche]

Amoré is in South Africa (per her profile.)  US law does not apply.

1.  Amoré: you need to contact a local matrimonial lawyer immediately, if not sooner.  Most of the issues you are discussing, except for your wife's apparent hatred for you, are things that an attorney can deal with.

2.  As someone who has gone through divorce with a less than civil spouse, it is absolutely essential that you approach this as unemotionally and realistically as possible.  Vent with your friends as necessary, but you need to put aside your feelings of betrayal and make your decisions with a clear head and a realistic appraisal of what is possible and what is not.  Yes she is being a jerk, and yes, it sucks.  There's nothing you can do about that.  You need to focus on what you have control over.  An attorney can tell you that.

3.  I did find a website that describes family law in South Africa: http://www.divorcelaws.co.za/.  From what I've read, it is possible that Amoré's wife would be obligated to provide for her health care, presumably at least for anti-depressants, maybe for HRT, too, given that Amoré is unemployed and unable to pay for it herself.  But I am not a lawyer, least of all a South African one.  Local, competent legal advice is an absolute necessity.

3.  It looks like SA has some variety of uncontested divorce, but given Amoré's wife's antipathy, this doesn't sound like a good idea for Amoré, even if her wife would agree to it.  There's division of property and spousal support; again, under the circumstances, Amoré needs competent legal representation if she doesn't want to get screwed over.

4.  Amoré: you need to contact a local matrimonial lawyer immediately, if not sooner.

[JoanneB]

How can I still love this person am I this naive! I fear there is really no roads left it is easy to say move on but not really. 

Which is a big part of how emotional abuse is so successful. It is just how a lot people are wired, and somewhat easily able to be taken advantage of
[/quote]

I am so embarrassed because I am taking this thing so hard and I feel stupid for not walking out easy.

See Above. Add to that "Love is Blind". We all hate to see the Evil side of those we love. Simply cannot believe, much less see, that it is there.

I can't really answer what I am looking for anymore in this relationship except being with my child. The past was amazing with my wife but it seems amazing is gone now. All that is left is this thing!

So Best protect yourself. Be Pro-Active rather then Re-Active. See a lawyer. Don't play the game she is, take the high road. Keep your eye on the prize(s); #1 your child, #2 Yourself (Which SHOULD be #1 but I know better being there myself).

[Lyndsey]

Hi Amore

Please don't do anything stupid as I don't want to see you loose your children or life as over being called insane try to be strong a hard as it may be.

Lyndsey

[Amoré]

Hey guys, no I won't do anything stupid because I am being watched like a hawk. 

It is like she is trying to push me over the edge to get me into a mental institution. She keeps on bringing up my suicide that I tried she said I tried to blackmail her. She also is going to use this to show that I am unstable because I asked for 50/50 custody.

I will agree having depression and dysporia is not looking good for me in custody.

Maybe I am desperate saving this marriage because of my child not really having a part in raising her as my wife only wants me to see her every second weekend. At the end of the day staying with a person that is wripping your heart to pieces is toxic for me and my child. At this stage I feel like love is a battle field.

The problem is she want to settle it in a decent way but it looks like her decent way is going to be getting her way. I got up this morning and I felt like I just want to get out I am tired I don't want to die I just want to end this thing that I am chasing that is not real or reality anymore.Doing something stupid again is not going to solve my problem I will agree! Giving her that plesure to stand on my grave nooo. I want to let her see the real me the person she tried to crush and destroy because she could not make piece with me as I am.I won't give her that joy also my transition is not to spite her it I doing what I wanted to do in the first place. I must just carry it through.

The thing is I don't want to blame her for everyting I have part in it too she did not want me to be a woman and I shattered her world. But I came to realize that this woman that showed her face is not a sweet caring person I knew or thought she was. I don't know if she changed because of the child or maybe with age. It does not mean she is a bad parent she is a good caretaker. But unfortunately not a good wife anymore.

The strange thing is that she fell in love with my female attributes and once she knew where they came from I am seen as weak,pathetic and I convinced myself I am a woman. Well today I am giving up I am accepting "I AM GETTING DIVORCED " it helps sying it. I will try not wondering too much on it today and try to focus on myself. The person I want to become the result of all this pain. I know the road I am going to take won't be easy but hopefully the reward will be worth it in the end.

It is time to dig my heels in and put myself first.Look after myself no matter how tuff.

[Adena]

I'd go one step further with this new escalation. Not just divorced, but is killing you off.

Surely she knows of the depression and your meds for them. To drop you from her insurance without any advance warning so you can make other arrangements to get them? Likely done during these past few months of turmoil when she decided to write off the marriage because "You aren't a Real Man". Like a cat with a mouse she keeps on playing you, torturing you.

Now, like that cat, going in for the kill 

Amoray - we do not want to lose you!  This is life- threatening when you start losing access to medication you really need. I'm thinking and praying for you to find the help you need to heal your body and your mind. You need to be separated from this kind of (very dangerous) abuse!

xoxo

Denali

[Amoré]

Amoray - we do not want to lose you!  This is life- threatening when you start losing access to medication you really need. I'm thinking and praying for you to find the help you need to heal your body and your mind. You need to be separated from this kind of (very dangerous) abuse!

xoxo

Denali

Thanks Denali

I don't feel suicidal at all I feel like I want to be in her face as the woman I was meant to be all my life! I know it sounds spiteful but she can't see me as man enough. I am being punished for what I did wrong by choosing to "trick" her into marrying me. Then for not listening to her request when she wanted me to stay a man. At this stage I am like stay a man ,what man there is not anymore man left you destroyed him. All that is left in me is a longing to be me. The way I see myself and be free.Then she expects of me to be a father for my child and a husband for your next wife I must fix yourself for them.  Okay I am not worthy and manly enough for you I had so bad depression this past year that I could not function day to day in even the most mundane of tasks because of all the bashing I had to endure because I was trans and she could not come to terms with it. Then you want to turn around and tell me depression is nothing it is easy to deal with I just think positive thoughts then I feel better. Really?

Have she been listening to anything my psychiatrist told her about depression?

What I can see there is signs of bipolar disorder also.Her mother has bipolar disorder. Severe mood changes is a part of daily life. She can be screaming at me now and turn around and laugh with someone else.   Screaming at me turn around and pretend if nothing happened. 

Strange impulsive behaviours like cancelling my medical aid. I must just be thinking out an excuse to look past the catastrophic B I ended up with. The person that always told me you work on a marriage you don't just divorce you are my one and only.

Telling my psychiatrist I am the one for her it is only wrapping paper it does not define the person I am. She loves me no matter what. She promised never to leave me. Really and she feel betrayed. I told her I have gender dysphoria not that I want to divorce her!

Somewhere in there I hoped the person that I loved was just being suppressed and that anger and hurt was hiding her. I think she was the one all along pretending to be someone she is not. She told me yesterday when you love someone you try to look past their faults. Because I asked her why did she not come up with all this stuff that she hates about me before we got married. Why if she was not happy with my faults did she marry me.


I felt like I was some sort of trophy horse to her that she could run around with and brag O my husband does this he has this if I clap my fingers he does it he is such a good pet. When I rebelled and wanted to do something for myself I felt like I had to get her permission. It is true she did not see me as a person but as an extension of her. I did not have my own rights my own will. I was formed in the image that she wanted me to be.

[Amoré]

Well people you all gave such good advice and it time to take a leap of faith I can't say if it is the best for me or the worst but it sure hurts like hell inside my heart at this moment.

I am getting divorced and this is final. This is unfortunately my reality not what I wanted. Life often take us places we don't want to go. It will drag you there kicking and screaming if it have to. I am one of those people just like all of you here a good person "I hope" that is a product of the harshness of life. Getting divorce sucks but denying reality does not help. Denying it is increasing my pain wanting to stay a man and hoping she will come around is only hurting myself. I am like hell right if that is ever going to happen.

I understand that admitting I am getting divorced is not going to heal me or take away the pain. It just lets me start doing what I need to do with dealing with my divorce. I understand now that I cant stop it if she want to divorce she wants to even if she was playing the bluff in the beginning and has still not came around to it all her actions are showing otherwise. She already divorced me in her mind it is only the piece of paper that means nothing really.  It doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what I think is "right" or "wrong." It doesn't matter if I am willing to forgive and forget for the sake of staying married. If my spouse wants out, I am done.

So until I can't start dealing with my pain I won't get past it and start healing.ou can't force someone to love you. You can't force someone to want to be married to you.

It takes two people to make a marriage, but only one to get divorced.

It does not really matter what I do or don't if she already decided by heart she wants to divorce and she is not willing to do anything to try and make it work then I am out of luck.

So I am agreed to getting divorced and I hope you guys can assist me in some way to let go. I hope she finds peace, love grace and happiness in her life. I really don't know what more to say I will always love her.

If I don't let go now my whole life would just stand still repeating this pattern of denial, depression and the only person I am cheating is myself not her she wants out. I am cheating and denying myself life, new love, happiness , becoming my true self, I am denying myself treatment for my gd. I am denying her freedom and what she wants also. I hope she will be happy now.   I hope she stops playing with my heart and just get divorced and get it over and done with. Life needs to go on.

[JoanneB]

"Letting Go" will be very difficult. You had hope, you still have love. You'll likely have many doubts as days turn into weeks as the concept of divorcing becomes real. Your resolve may weaken as the machine starts up and hopefully most key parts aren't chewed up by the gears.

Be firm in your belief that YOU and YOU ALONE did all you can, all that you are capable of today tried. Be firm in your belief that you are doing what is best for your child, your wife and for yourself. Be firm in knowing you made your decision based on love and before it soured, turning to hate.

There will be dark days ahead. Perhaps even dark and sad memories decades from now. You two have had many years together, not easily forgotten. And... there will always be the "If Only I...." thoughts to haunt you. Try to take solace, as I often try to, in knowing that you did the best you were capable of at that time in your life. It helps as the tears try to well up 

[Amoré]

"Letting Go" will be very difficult. You had hope, you still have love. You'll likely have many doubts as days turn into weeks as the concept of divorcing becomes real. Your resolve may weaken as the machine starts up and hopefully most key parts aren't chewed up by the gears.

Be firm in your belief that YOU and YOU ALONE did all you can, all that you are capable of today tried. Be firm in your belief that you are doing what is best for your child, your wife and for yourself. Be firm in knowing you made your decision based on love and before it soured, turning to hate.

There will be dark days ahead. Perhaps even dark and sad memories decades from now. You two have had many years together, not easily forgotten. And... there will always be the "If Only I...." thoughts to haunt you. Try to take solace, as I often try to, in knowing that you did the best you were capable of at that time in your life. It helps as the tears try to well up 

Thank you Joanne your words speak straight to my heart.

The decision is based on love as I started to see hate for her in me after that she took me of her medical aid. I am still very hurt by this heartless move of hers. I started hating her for her selfish ways. I started wondering an doubting myself because I am not a drunk an abuser or anything of that sort I am just a person that has dysphoria.

I looked after her and we had everything but I was not enough for her. I will always have the what if moments and she is planting them in my head with you had a chance you screwed it up and stuff.

I don't know how you give someone a chance but you don't give them some rope at least. I had gd moments in the period. I just went of hormone and after two weeks it was hell in my head. I called my endo he said it will level out but I was battling with the imbalance. I got blamed because I could not control it always. I was still forced to sleep in another bed while we were trying also. For me to try is we put your crap to a side and we try to continue were it was with a agreement to get each other in the middle so that both of us are happy. It was a resepy for disaster I could not make her love me again. I could see there is nothing.

She decided to call it after an argument about something stupid.

[Rachel]

Amore, I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is painful being in the situation you are in and painful to take action to divorce. Is there any way you can get the medication you need to ease your GD and depression?

I am in the process of divorce. I think what was a big part of my pain is that I had a lot of good times with my wife. We share a daughter and have raised her together. I was living in the good times of the past and not seeing the reality in front of me. The reality is I grew in a different direction than my wife. When I accepted I am transsexual and started to express full time and use my preferred name and come out fully at work and be myself at work it felt very good but to my wife I had crossed the line. It took a while to accept it is over but it is. Life will deal me a new hand.

I wish you luck and happiness with your new life and transition,

Rachel

[CarlyMcx]

Amore, there are a lot of people here that care very deeply about you.  But at some point you have to overcome whatever is paralyzing you from taking action, step up and take care of yourself.  I saw your statement about your IQ earlier.  I have no doubt that you are highly intelligent.

Now it is time to use some of that intelligence and properly take care of yourself.  Your wife has cut off your medical subsidies under her health insurance, and you have to deal with this now.

Like it or not, it is time to do whatever you have to do to apply for government support, for housing, for food, and for medical care.  Regardless of whether that means filling out papers in a government office and/or standing in line, or it all can be done online, you need to do it. 

Once you get that all set up, then it is time to find housing away from your wife.  After that is all situated, then time to find some paying work.

With your wife cutting off the insurance, stuff just got serious.  So as we say in America, "Put your big girl panties on and deal with it."