New, confused, transman

[GreyK]

Hi all. I am brand-new here and in need of advice, sharing stories, resources. I have been struggling for so many years with being essentially male inside, yet born female. I am what people consider a very "feminine" woman on the outside, and have lived with all that comes along with that. I need someone who may have gone or knnows someone who has gone through this, as I have never talked to anyone about my particular circumstance in detail, at least. (nor read it anywhere). I do NOT want to undergo surgery, and am not super-uncomfortable with being a physical woman, as I feel more like an effeminate - slightly androgynous male . I have gone though all the "questioning" that I am sure many have, such as "could I be lesbian? Bi? a gay man 'stuck' in a female body? etc. etc.". I am scared to even mistake my own identity, as I have neveer even heard of what I think I am...which is a "genderqueer"? male who prefers softer, equally or more 'girlish boys'. YEt seems like everywhere I read, its all about transitioning...where do i fit in? Anyone out there to help? It's so frustrating and I feel so stuck ....i cannot mentally continue this way. I have told a couple of good friends and my partner, kinda, but only have received " oh you are just a girl with male attributes" and literally been laughed at. I feel like screaming from a hilltop.I need to make steps, be "me"...but how!!!?? Thanks to anyone who may be of assistance to me. <3

[Elis]

Hey . When I first started questioning my assigned gender I went with gender queer (feel like a man on one day and a female on another) then decided that trans male suited me best and now I think that 95% ish male suits me and 5%ish agender (feeling like you don't have a gender) suits me best. But I try to do without the labels and try to accept on some days I feel like I need to be fem and others I need to be masculine. And this took me 3 years to discover so there's no rush to understand yourself.
For now, just try small things. Buy some mens boxers and some mens clothes. If that makes you feel good about yourself then try on a chest binder. If that makes you feel good about yourself have your hair cut to look more masculine. These are the steps I took and they really helped me to understand the fact I am trans and I'm not just a masculine woman.
Non binary people are vastly underrepresented compared to people who are strictly binary. Due to people not believing our brains can be wired to be more than one gender and men being seen to being fem is considered 'weird'. There are many trans people who never undergo hormones or surgeries or have surgeries but aren't on hormones or are on hormones but don't have surgeries. And that doesn't make your gender identity any less real. If you feel you need to look fem/a woman one day but masculine/a man on the other there's nothing wrong with that. Just do what makes you happy.

[GreyK]

Thank you so much...this has been helpful for sure. I think getting the boxers is a great idea to test the waters. I already know what will come of that, as I feel more natural in men's clothes anyways. (despite the rare girly days). I think going wit the flow and to stop worrying will be helpful. You have inspired me to go to to the mall today and browse the men's dept, and let's see what happens.
Thank you for your effort to write comments. I am currently looking for sites that aim at people like me...

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. You need to make the transition become what is right for you. FTM because of surgical limitations often decide to select a few things off the menu instead of going for everything. Your options include changing your appearance, social transition, T, top surgery and/or bottom surgery. Explore the site and ask questions anywhere you feel comfortable but the guys tend to hang out in the FTM section so specific questions about the FTM transition will get more responses if posted there. If there is anything I can help you with, let me know but you will find everybody on the site is pretty helpful in sharing what they know.

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[GreyK]

Amazed wit the fast responses!! Thank you Dena! I will certainly start posting questions

[Subbie]

Hi GreyK, I dont know if I can help at all - I come at a similar issue from a different angle - ie. MtF genderqueer. It's just that your post seemed to resonate with my own thoughts and experience. So as far as I can see, I want to be perceived by others for the person I feel that I am. The only way I can see to do that is to start by making small changes to the way I behave, the way I dress, the way I talk and write etc. etc. Hopefully over time I can make more and more changes until I reach a place where I feel that others will readily accept the 'role' that I feel suits me best. I see it as a long process and I'm constantly frustrated that others cant just see ME rather than their simplistic enculturated ideas of what they think I should be, but Im hopeful. One of the things that I feel I need to do is go and talk to a gender therapist - i know there's a network set up for helping people in my area, but i just haven't made myself do it yet [emoji53]!! I dont know what area you're in, but if you do an internet search for gender help/services you're likely to find someone who you can talk to about your specific circumstances. Feeling stuck is often a sign that we need to make some changes in order to move ahead. We cant change others, but we can change the way they see us. hth [emoji3][emoji3][emoji3]


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[GreyK]

Well, based on the posts thus far, I DO think the "tiny changes" advice is helpful. Thanks so much for comments!

[Arch]

Hi, Grey. If you think you might be nonbinary, we have a board for that, and also one for people who do not intend to transition. Folks on this site are all over the map. Some are solidly male or female but don't make any medical or surgical changes. Some don't identify as either male or female--or they identify as both, or some other way entirely. Some start out feeling one way but change their identification along the way...and so on.

If you feel that it's appropriate and you can afford it, seeing a gender therapist can help. Other people don't feel impelled to experience therapy. It all depends on your particular needs and, if you later decide on hormones and/or surgery, the dictates of whatever medical system you are in.

Otherwise, experimenting, journaling, and talking to other trans people are all great ways to explore your options. Just remember that this IS a process, and your feelings might shift around from time to time; try to embrace wherever you are at any given moment because it's all part of the ride.

[GreyK]

Very well said, I thank you dearly for this. I am so happy for the support I have found here in only a few hours
<3