I wish to find a friend

[ClaudiaLove]

Hello ,

My name is Claudia , i am 26 years old , livin in Romania at the moment , although i so want to relocate .
I wish i can find a friend , lately i became so lost , so depressed and confused , so far away from the real me .
Maybe i am a little difficult , but i used to be sweet and i so miss myself , i hope someone will save me from this nightmare .
I want to commit suicide but i can t , and i just continue in a painfull state . I am too numb to find myself yet aware enough to feel pain .
If anyone is completely lonely too and wants a pen friend , i would greatly appreciate a message .

[Ms Grace]

Hi, sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I hope you don't hurt yourself. It does sound like you may be depressed, have you spoken to a doctor or therapist about how to cope with this? Once you feel in a better frame of mind it may be much easier to make friends. Hugs.

[ClaudiaLove]

Thank you Ms Grace ,

I saw a therapist but i no longer see her because i felt i am not understood . She was free , and i appreciate her effort but i feel i go to play a role there , not touching my problems . A paid one i can t afford .
Lately i lost my mind so bad , i am afraid of getting schizophrenia , but she said i don t have that . Anyway i have ocd , depression and ptsd , i am always in pain inside and not a single person talks to me .
I have to live on my own and the only job i got is as a videochat performer which destroyed my mind and spirit , made me a piece of dirt , i hate it .
Cis people avoid me , and i don t want trans seekers , so i have no person to talk with .
I lost my personality , i got to doubt myself . Everyday i have breakdowns , i broke the few things i had , i just can t take it anymore .
Stress made me look older , my hair falls extreme , i feel it is no hope for anything .
I wish to move ,  to have a job , a family , srs , yet i have nothing .
The worst of all , i lost myself , i am a mixed personna , remember the male role , feel guilt and disgust for myself .

[ClaudiaLove]

It is hard to keep my inner stability with so many illnesses and also with the masculine looks , job , people reactions , and all . And when i feel the identity they impose me ,their view on trans , and the triggers , i get so so angry . I become hatefull and  i lose myself in imagination . Then it falls apart , piece by piece , and i am so closed , i can t feel emotions , my patterns are different , i forgot so many things , it s all blocked .And i hate so so deep , and then i feel guilt and doubt .