Consuming my life

[Katiepie]

Even though I try my hardest to hold onto my life motto, "Wake Up and Be Awesome!"

Things always find a way to consume me, my thoughts, my happiness. The hardest part for me is realizing I have this monstrous support group as of this site, my immediate family, and select friends and family.
Wanting to transition, and be done with all this turmoil feels like its the only thing that will ever let me gain my composure, freedom to do what i want to do in life and ultimately be happy once again (if i was ever happy to begin with).
This stress with my current job, soon to be over as i had dropped the two weeks notice in their laps, hasn't really felt like a relief as it should have.
These thoughts, my dysphoria, the uncertainty if things will get better, the way in which i wake up feeling miserable, haven't had a good nights sleep in however long. It comes at me like a swarm of locusts, ever persistent. I am becoming more unmotivated to do the things i want to do with my life, becoming more and more frustrated, beginning to get upset easier than the blink of an eye. I'm thankful that i will never turn to suicidal thoughts, or anything that will cause me body harm, at least physically. This emotional roller coaster of my life just seems like it will never end.
After the panic attack on Wednesday, and putting my two weeks notice in, while hoping that i get a phone call soon in which would let me gain access to a job which would be better for for my sanity, I would hope. Its been an even bigger struggle for myself. Left to my own devices, sitting down or laying down, just me, my thoughts, and myself more and more these thoughts just take over. I hate it, but I cannot break free of the chains of torment.

Also in the mention from what my mom had talked to me about, of finding time in which to tell my brother of myself. I cannot just talk to him over the phone or text, but rather do it face to face and let him know personally, as I told my mom, dad, one friend, some of my aunts (who only really were instigated to know by my own mother first). I'm just scared, I feel trapped, I don't know what to put in words, how to reach across and let my brother know that instead of having a brother that he has known, that he has a sister, and no I am not talking about our half sister either. I'm not necessarily scared of his reaction, but just scared of how long its taking to let him know, how many others that know, including some of his friends, the possibility that he may feel a bit left out for telling him later with who else already knows. Its also hard to get in some wiggle room to catch him as he works 6 days a week, 10 plus hour days, often going out of town for work as an electrician.

Another mention of when my mom had talked to me, was everything that's been I guess bottled, in which was the claims that through life of which me and my brother have been growing up, I was the one who was always nurtured and growing up was the one who needed the attention, as my brother always had the attitude that he was strong and didn't need the help, always just knowing what to do. But after that his first surgery dealing with cancer. It was all along that he was the one that should have been getting the attention, nurturing, and care that he needs. I had missed coming home for his first surgery, as had military duty, all the way on the other side of the united states, but had made plans to move back home, when the time came this year that he needed surgery again. My marriage wasn't going well at the time, and that paperwork was in motion for an annulment (marriage was just under 5 years). I had left for Northern California, and my SO made her way toward Louisiana. But I made it with plenty of time to be able to be there 100% for my brother through the when his surgery was supposed to be ended up getting pushed back several times. Ended up finally getting rid of the cancerous cells, and lymph nodes in which carried them. To this day there is no trace of cancer in his system.
I do kinda agree with my mom in which that the whole way that it should have been him to receive the loving care and nurturing to help him grow through our younger years of life. He has an outer appearance of being strong, but at the same time, inside I know he may be very vulnerable.
I only have one brother, and he has the right to know who I am and want to be, and that I know he will be accepting, he may run jokes of which is his personality, and way of acceptance. I'm just scared, of what I have held onto for so long.. Maybe since we were close, but not so close, there was never any fights between us growing up, and he may know more about me than I do realize.
And despite the connections with my best friend from high school, his three sisters and mother, my own parents, aunts that know, my brother would most likely be my strongest advocate out of everyone. I just need to get through my own barriers, and excuses that I have in which I have not told him yet.

I am fighting so hard not to cry right now, as I write this, I just have so much on myself I feel like I can't take this struggle.. More often than not I wish that I can go back in time and become blissfully happy, nothing going wrong, and just live life like that again. Just moving forward, reaching goals in which are in grasp, taking the initiative and grasping life from the throat to accomplish what I need to do such as school, so I can get my long term goal of getting a B.S in forestry, and then Masters and Ph.D in wildlife conservation, getting into Parks and Wildlife eventually.
I just feel I have Los about 80% of my motivation for everything i love and to reach for my dreams due to this.

I know the first step for me is to find a therapist, so I can get all of this out in the open to someone who can help start my process into being who I am, and help me with each and every step into transition, and ultimately getting me happy and on track with life. Other than telling my brother that he has a sister rather than a brother.


On a side note my dad had given me some anti anxiety medicine that he has, in which should be able to fend off when I start finding myself building a panic attack ready to explode with pouring out emotion, curling up into a ball and asking myself "why me".  I am such a mess right now, and feel like until I get this right it will remain the same... It doesn't help that May 2016 isn't coming fast enough, so then I will not need a mask within the army anymore.


All this collection of thoughts are really debilitating and frustrating me beyond belief. I so want everything to just fit into a normalcy in which life will remove this stress, frustration, and heartache.


If you have read this until the end, I want to thank you for dealing with my mess of thoughts, and frustrations. I just hope I can kick myself out of this mind set and do the things I really need to do.


Kate<3

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

What you describe has hallmarks of a depression, and of course everything looks bleak, especially the future, while you are having a depression. You know that, and you know that it is only an imbalance in your head. You know what causes the imbalance, and you know how to fix it in the long term.

Depression is a feedback loop between negative thoughts and feelings and your brain chemistry, making each other spiral downwards. You know that. You also know that the feedback loop must be broken. You must break it.

Unfortunately you must sit the depression out, but you can work to create circumstances that make it easier for you to feel better, to have hope. If your depression is all you have now, make the decision that getting out of it is the one thing you want. Be ready to do what it takes to make that happen, and start doing it, now. Fight. (And yes, you know that.)

Many members on Susan's have written about how their transition suddenly made them appreciate life and themselves in a way they had never known before. If transition is right for you, you can look forward to a pleasant surprise.
Have hope.

I don't know what else I can say that could possibly help you. It is really up to you.

[EJ]

I recognize your struggle and sympathize with your pain, Kate. I'm FtM, it has only been few months since I realized, but I also have a MtF sister who is a bit further in the transition, she recently came out to our siblings and so did I.

I'm sort of in the same situation as you, overwhelmed with work, having fears of coming out and difficulties with having to wait for transition. I've just been stressed out for such long time and having anxieties. There has been little time to recover so I feel that it is quite natural for my mind to not be as effective as before and that my fears are amplified and negative emotions get to me more easily. It's OK not to be on top at all times, but it's hard to slow down and it does take time. It's very important not to lose track of oneself, and know that we have self-worth regardless of how well we perform in life. You seem to have a lot of pressure and could possible be or become burnt-out, and with good reason! It can be very difficult being trans, and just facing that pressure is remarkable. I think this effort can easily be forgotten.

It's good that you are trying to find a way to slow down at work. One thing that I believe has made my sister much better is having regular meals, regular sleep and writing down her plans. It can be small things, one or a few chores a day, remembering breakfast etc. . She is waiting to study biology, I think botany is her main interest, and in the meantime she studies Spanish at a lower pace. She's happier than I have seen her in many many years, I'm so glad for her and her progress. Me and her, and our other siblings, never fought either while growing up. It was difficult talking about feelings on the other hand, we have become much better now and especially since she sat down with us and managed to tell us. It was hard, it took some time for her to find the courage, but it was alright and she seemed relieved when it was said. All of us understood and supported her. She had been knowing it for at least three years, it's possible that those years holding it in made it more difficult. But never impossible! At this time, I think the gain of letting your brother know about your situation could help you ease the vicious circle of feeling all this pressure.

To me, I have noticed that when I'm unhappy and stressed out, my uneasiness or dysphoria gets stronger. When I'm feeling better and healthier, the dysphoria is still there but it is much weaker and I'm more able to control it. What I'm trying to say is that thinking of it as taking small goals of getting better could also be steps towards transition and expressing yourself the way you want .

By the way, I'm also into biology, in the field of biotechnology and microbiology. I dream of working with research and maybe getting a Ph.D as well

[Katiepie]

Well today I mostly stayed calm at work... Only a week and a half to go and I can omit myself of that evil place. I dont like that the company has a loophole in which they can claim not discrimination, though clearly they are, in which for gender identity, and expression which is clear as daylight in policy 4.15 that there will be no such discrimination against "... Gender identity, gender expression..." Though through a form that was filled out when I had transferred into this store, had supposedly had fine print, even though I had read the form front back left and right. Which as soon as I let my manager know of me being transgender, should have made that paper, null and void. And in any regards in which obviously I am wearing female clothing, but they have been persistent in trying to keep me in male stereotypical wear (tucked in shirt, even though if I did, the tuck seriously would only last until I start moving.)
I hope that when i do have my day off this Friday, I would be able to find some time and maybe take my brother to dinner or something, and let him know, that is if he's not completely drained from his job.
This is the thing too... I told my mom to not let anyone know, until I tell my brother, and of course she did not listen and had told some of her best friends (my aunts) and of course my cousin found out when my mom went with her to Hawaii, and so in the case that she knows as well.
Its only time. From now to May is such a small timeframe, looking back at the other 28 years of my life, I was in technical hiding.

I know I shouldn't really take any medications that aren't really prescribed to me, and well the way that my dad had given me some anti anxiety meds, due to the fact I've been starting to have panic attacks recently. I may consider keeping the bottle in my purse, rather than in my undies drawer at home, just in case things just blow over at work. I've only really needed to take two of them as thus far since my huge panic attack Wednesday.

Kate <3

[Cindy]

Kate,

See you doc about your depression, taking non-prescribed medication can really screw you over.

I also want you to think of something. I was as low as you can get - there was no reason to continue. I had no hope of transitioning, for me happiness was oblivion. The rest of the dead was very appealing, for all my comparative success I was soulless and lost. I was a robot living a non-existent life.

Some how, and largely due to my family here I decided to not give in. I'd give transitioning a go. I would lose everything and be me.

I slowly became amazed, I found I lost nothing of importance, I lost some family and so called friends - but they obviously didn't love me - so what loss was there?

Slowly and then like an avalanche things started to change -happiness, self acceptance, joy.  Leaping out of bed to meet the day. Throwing the whiskey bottle into the trash, and putting my depression meds down the toilet.

I am alive and I love it.

Kate, this can be and will be your life as well. It just seems at times impossible. Just like I thought - but it can happen. You just have to make the call, be happy or be miserable. Your life is far too precious to me for you to be miserable.

Love

Cindy

[Qrachel]

Hi -

Wanted you to know I am following the thread and I understand to the point that I can.  Also, you've gotten some great support/advice here; you might consider taking it to heart - especially around your depression. 

Take care . . . it will get better.

Rachel

[cindianna_jones]

I transitioned nearly three decades ago. Guess what? I'm seeing a therapist for depression (non trans stuff.) You may have more than just the gender thing going on and all of what's happening to you is piling up for a meltdown. Acknowledge that to yourself. I understand what it's like to work for a company that dogs you and openly discriminates.

But you'll be out in just a little more than a week! Then go get a job as yourself if you can.

As far as your brother goes, I'm sure that he'll end up supporting you. So dial back your anxiety there. Just tell him when it is convenient.

I went on Youtube and found some meditation audios that are really good. Michael Sealey, I think is his name. I ended up buying $20 worth of his meditation audios. They really help me get out of thinking about my problems and get to sleep. Try the Youtube thing. If they work, then think about buying the product. A good night's rest helps soooooo much. My mind races as soon as my head hits the pillow and I can stay awake all night long thinking about anything going on my life. Mostly it's good, like when I'm going over a plot for a new novel. But it does shorten my life. I know that.

So, do you have prospects for another job? Have you given thought to that? Of course you have. It sounds like you and I have a lot in common in the way we think. Everything at once! 20 things running through your head at once and they just keep going round and round and you can't get out of the hamster wheel.

Try to think of your most important thing you must do next. Focus on that. I pretend to put a post-it note on my forehead. I concentrate on that one thing until I finish it. That's how I get through things. It's not some clever thing anyone has ever told me, either. It's just how I resolve the hamster wheel problem. Except that mine isn't a hamster. She's a squirrel.

Please don't be afraid to keep up with your posts and diary. These activities are cathartic and will also help alleviate that drowning feeling.

My best to you. You'll be alright. Fine comes later. All you need is the will to get through some trying times. You'll  make it.

My best to you,
Cindi

[Katiepie]

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I really do appreciate each suggestion, and well fortunate and unfortunate news.

I do know on my father's side of the family, depression runs in there, usually either bipolar or manic depression. I may be no exception to be part of this, I know when I was younger and had talked to a psychiatrist, when I was younger, and thought I was dealing with normal teenager junk, without even noticing into what I know now... when I was put on anti depressants, I hated the feeling I had when I was on them, I would feel like a zombie, or rather just being on autopilot all the time... I had broke out of that really quickly and didn't even try when they wanted to taper me down and out of it, just stopped taking it.

I haven't taken any more of the medication at all, It had only really made me numb, and well at least no anxiety it wasn't something I really wanted either. I let my music be my medicine for now, especially a few certain songs I feel have very specific messages, or at least my interpretation of their message overlays the downfalls as well as the progression of life. It may not help either that I do have an affinity toward nicotine, though I have stopped cigarettes and cigars. And another note is that my eating habits and sleeping habits are some of the most horrid habits especially when I work... sleep about 4 to 6 hours a night, that is if I'm lucky. Doesn't help that I have a minor case of sleep apnea. And food, generally only one meal a day, usually breakfast if I work late, or dinner if I work early, and then when I get the chances to snack or get anything it's normally junk foods, cause breaks at work and lunch at work is too short for anything.

But anyways on a note here, it seems as if I threaten to leave they start doing something, anything.... first time I threatened, I was able to officially change it so my first name was to never be used and go by my last name, since there was no other possible when that I could be Kate at work. This time, my HR manager had specifically driver two hours out of her way, just so she can talk to me, about all the issues I have been having at work, the male stereotyping, discrimination, harassment etc.... and so she jotted notes down, and seems rather strong in which to start getting the policies of non discrimination to be upheld, and remove the barriers of the loopholes that the other corporate leaders had been letting my manager know of which it was "not discrimination" even when it was.
Right now I have offered myself to stick with the company, but let them know that if things don't change, or even revert back,then I am to leave them just like that. As well as after Monday at work, I had driven to a few different places and got to talk to their store managers in specific,as not to apply just yet, but having to check what I might have possibilities just in case things do "go south" with where I am now. I talked to them about their rules on discrimination, put myself right out there, and asked very specific questions to see how the company is as a whole, basically interviewing them, to see if they would be worth my time. Manager at place one had told me that there has been transgender workers who had been through and as well as promoted through higher as corporate as well. Place two, has opportunity to have a higher pay rate and as well as competitive raises, as well as has had transgender workers, with no issues with the company what so ever. Place three had specifically let me know if I were to choose them, the application to hire process would be long, but told me very specific jobs that with the information I already know through the military would be perfect, and they also had their fair share of transgender in the fields and with no issue.
So right now I am waiting myself out to see if the company I am in current would stop fighting me every step of the way, and start helping me as I help them... Tomorrow is my day off and I am going to be looking at more options so I can weigh more options myself to see why could be my optimal next plan if this doesn't work.

Since Monday I have not had any problems at work, they had removed the charity worker from ever soliciting in front of our building any more, so there would be no harassment from him. The only thing I am kinda peeved about, but cannot change but in due time is the amount of sirs I still get day to day. My manager has shifted herself to standardise that I am referred to as she and her, in with all the co workers, and including when she refers to me to customers as well. Including she had given me the booklet to the dress code standards, and so if anyone in corporate has something to say I can go to the direct page and shut them down. As well as I found an email that the hr manager had copy sent which was sent to all of corporate about the visit and that she would individually talk to any of them if necessary.

I just hope this lasts. I am also to write her an email regarding my pay rates especially since I have a collective time of about 3 years, and also to point out the official pay rate caps at 6 years, to see if we can get me properly get paid for the work I have been putting in to the company itself... I just hate how when a unionized job which makes collective agreements in which gives loopholes so that the place can have under state, and county minimum wages, and also have dues to boot to basically eat more of the paycheck.

I just need to regain my focus, in which I have gotten better in the past couple days, definitely not 100% but enough for me to think clearly. Meditation is a lovely idea, and I agree I need to meditate even more than I have been recent. In the past I have created my own island through meditation, building areas in which I can just focus on absolutely nothing, or even specific things. It's been about two years since I have gotten to that state of Zen within meditation, but it doesn't mean I can't try and get there again.

I know my life is one hectic place, not the best, but also definitely not the worst. These roller coasters of emotion blindsiding me here and there are only but small obstacles in which I have much more life to live, and to be able to catch it while being authentic will be such a great place to be when I do get there.

Again I want to thank all of you who have posted, who have read and decided not to post, as well as those who have even just glanced at the title of my post. I know we are all here for support in one way shape or form. And I hope one day I can look back, say I had troubles, then look at the present me, and say this is my time to put back and hope to support not just myself, but others as well, and then look at the future me and see the greatest accomplishment of all... living life through everything I have dealt with and to the future things I will deal with.

Kate <3

[Cindy]

Kate,

Next time you talk to your medics tell them, and they should know this. Is that there is a genetic predisposition for some depression. It is picked up very easily by a blood test and then the cure is incredibly simple, basically taking a drug that is non-invasive and turns on an enzyme that is lacking. Ask to be tested.

One of my cisfemale PhD students almost gave up her career with chronic depression and when she was tested she went from zombie to happy in a few weeks.

[Katiepie]

Thank you Cindy, I will look into it when I get medical again one day, otherwise anything will cost me an arm and a leg in funds I dont have.
Its been known in my fathers side of the family through three generations known for having depression as my father has bipolar, his father was manic depressive, and as far as I remember his father was also bipolar.

Kate <3

[Katy]

You have an awful lot on your plate right now.  You simply can't tackle all of your concerns at the same time.  May I humbly suggest developing a priority list and then sticking to it.  I realize that this isn't a particularly exciting notion, but when life seems overwhelming it is often best to focus on small, incremental steps.  I wish you well. 

[Katiepie]

Things have gotten slightly easier. Though I have no idea what is going to happen when this company merger happens, since I only know the bad sides of the company that just bought us out. I know of several places that would be no issues as I spoke to the managers of several places and they told me there would be no issues as I had been having with my own.
I think I need someone to tell me to stop being crazy! I have been working in two inch heels as per the last couple days, been on my feet all day walking, running etc... Not gold for my feet at all, but other than the being temporarily taller is nice as well as it makes me feel more feminine.

Kate <3

[cindianna_jones]

Wow, you've made a lot of progress since your initial post in this thread. I hope you can look back and SEE how much progress you've made. Depression runs in my family as well. I choose to delight in my up times. I don't want to be "evened out." And when I have taken drugs for depression, I've hated that too. When I transitioned, I had no rights. Oh, the corporate attitude was supposedly supportive. But they blatantly dogged me. I had no clear case for discrimination with all the evidence I had either because, well, being trans was a bad thing where I lived and there were no legal remedies. That was not all that long ago. At least you won't be overtly ridiculed with the company's support. You've got that going.

You talked about a merger. Keep your eyes open and take notes of everything that does go wrong in a notebook. Take it home with you at night. Make sure it is an engineering type notebook (one where you can't insert pages.)
Date each page and note the time of every comment or incident anyone makes. Also note anyone who may have witnessed the offense. This can be used as evidence if things get ugly.

I only mention this because a merger is a good excuse to lay off people. If someone thinks that you might be a burden they don't want to deal with, you may get on the lay off list. Be prepared. I don't want to scare you or anything, I just want you to realize how nasty other people can be.

In any case, it sounds like you have viable opportunities at other companies. I'm inclined to believe that you are very smart and know where all the cookies are and any company would be very lucky to have you for the work that you can do.

Meanwhile, try to get some sleep and make sure you get proper nourishment. This is very important. You don't want to wake up one day and realize that you gave your life away with diabetes or some other intensive work related disease. Take it from one who knows. Diabetes here.... too many hours... no sleep... one meal a day with whatever they brought in for us to eat... junk food.

You'll be fine. And I'm happy for you.

Chin up!
Cindi

[Katiepie]

Thank you Cindi.
I know there is a lot going on, and I just need to, in essence, not take things go heart or literally to which it will eventually lead to misery. Because life is definitely too short for that.
I might just end up finding a new place to work quickly so I can leave the company before it starts gaining on my nerves again. HR is trying to improve my situation by when they took accountability to release the dress code standard for me to be able to have female representation in that regard. I am grateful for this, and I just need to not stress as far as I do sometimes.
I had put in a two weeks notice of quitting, but had stopped that motion when HR came by, to see what was going on and to personally talk to me. So they are slowly going to be progressing. But before any episodes happen again, I might just need to get out when I can for sure land a job elsewhere. So I don't deal with stresses from the merger.
Just one step at a time, and slowly I can start just building a low stress environment for myself.

On a note with while I was dealing with some of the nastier side of this stuff, it had caused me to miss a test in my online course, luckily I can make up the test later on, I would have to go in and to a hand written test, but that's okay.  Next semester will be better for school wise where I can get back into the groove of school, and put priorities there, and less onto work.

Kate <3

[Katiepie]

So when it comes to work, things dont last very well. My co workers are complete dolts. And now after just a little over two months that charity worker is back in front of the store.
I've been in fight or flight mode all day, and I don't know what to do. I just want to get away from this forsaken place. I talked to my manager about the charity worker and asked why he's back, she claims that the sidewalk in front of the store is not our property so we can't do anything about them dropping him off, though that contradicts the talk I had with HR, about his removal.
I can't get a different job, since nowhere else would be flexible for when I start school again.

I still don't have medical, so going to a therapist will cost me an arm and a leg, especially with the rate of pay I have still is under minimum wage due to the union ratification not in effect yet.

Today is just not my day. At least I have tomorrow as a day off, then I go deal with the military for three days, then back to this hellhole.

Kate <3

[Qrachel]

From reading this thread I wonder if you live in CA.  If you do, you have a host of employee protections, and many states have similar protections.  Also, consider keeping a serialized log of all matters related to your  discrimination with related documentation (email, notes, calendars, related documents, etc.).

Take care,

Rachel