Hi I am new here looking for help and friends

[AmeliaVA]

I must admit that I have been a lurker on this site on and off for a few years, but one of my resolutions this year was to finalize post and become more active.  So here is my story...

To the rest of the world I am a pretty successful, happy, normal mid-40s guy who is also married with kids.  However, since I can remember, I always had feelings that I was the wrong gender.  I can still remember as a young kid of having dreams of being a girl and being sad when I woke up  I tried to hide my feelings and figured they would pass and I was really good at it.  In fact, in my 20s I don't remember having such strong feelings that things were not right. 

Now, not only are the feelings still there, they are even stronger.  I really do not know what I will do about it.  On one hand, things seem like they are going really well (good family and job) and on the other hand I am more and more uncomfortable with myself.  I know many other people have been in a similar situation.  I would love to hear what finally motivated you to do something and how you dealt with family (especially a spouse and kids).  In case it matters, the kids are teenagers. 

So here is my plan for the time being.  I am working at getting back in really good shape (where I would want to be if I transition).  I figured it would be easier anyway when testosterone is there to help and even if I don't transition it is still a really good thing.  I am starting to reach out to support groups but have not done much yet.  I am curious if people found this to really help or not.  Finally, one thing that I plan to do is seek therapy.  This is another area where I could use some advice.  I have never had counseling but I know it is important and can be very useful.  I also think it would be good to confirm how I feel before coming out to my spouse.  Are there any recommendations or thoughts on whether this is a good approach or not.  I figure I should get some advice before taking a step that might end my marriage but it feels like it will be hard to keep from her.

Finally, I have a lot of fears about transitioning in my mid 40s.  I know it is something that is much easier when you are younger. I have seen where people have been able to transition well later in life.  It would be great to have a friend who has been through that experience and can share some insight.

I apologize for the long rambling if you are still here.  It feels good to open up about how I feel.  Thank you again in advance for any advice or encouragement and Happy New Year!

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You cover a number of topics so if I miss something you are interested in, let me know.

Younger transitions are better but as we lack a time machine, there are people on the site as much as 30 years older than you considering a transition. I was somewhat younger starting at age 23 and having surgery at 30. I wanted to transition at age 13 but I knew medical help wasn't available. By the time I hit 23 the pressure built in me to the point where I could no longer live unless I did something about it.

Therapy is very important as you will be facing many problems and if they aren't handled correctly, they could cause your transition to stall out. Social interaction with other who are transitioning helps as well. Find a mix of Susan's and local contacts that works for you.

As for keeping a secret from your wife, you know best but we have found that can cause problems. A marriage is an equal partnership and you wife may feel very hurt that you kept this from her. That hurt alone has put several marriages on the rocks. Also the more time you wife has to adjust to this, the more likely she will come around and accept you. Will your marriage stay together, I don't know but I hope it does.

Younger kids are pretty accepting and even teen having seen all the transgender shows may be more accepting than you think. When you talk with them, give them the basic and let them know they can ask questions. Don't overload them and don't worry if they don't have an interest in knowing much more. They may have already accepted you and it's not important to know any more.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

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[LizK]

Hi Ameliava

What got me motivated? In the end it was that I could no longer live as I was and I didn't know how to go forward. I was not able to completely keep hold of my emotions any longer and I was having disgusting nightmares that would on one occasion leave me severely rattled for a few days...I would wake up crying on the side of my bed in the middle of the night. I had no appetite and was constantly angry.

I told my wife before we were married that I was a crossdresser because that is the only name I had for how I felt. However over the years I have discovered that crossdressing is not what it was about and that the feeling run really deep in me. I eventually had to tell her but this time it was also about the fact that I felt I had Gender Dysphoria which in my eyes began to explain a few things. It has been a long journey so far and I am not even a 1/4 the way yet but I am moving steadily to where I want to be.

Mt wife and I have recommitted to each other and our relationship grows from strength. It has taken time and patience...takes things slowly...be honest with her, give her space and time to process what you are saying...it could take a little while...be good to her and nice to yourself...take your time...you have known about this for ever to her it a brand ne3w thing that needs examined carefully.

Hope some of that helps  Think positive!!!

Elizabeth K

[AmeliaVA]

Thank you for the warm welcome and advice!

[kaylau]

Hello Amelia, this is kay.

For your question, what motivates us to transit our body conforming to our mental sex....

For me, it is so simple that, when I cannot withstand the male life and male body anymore, then I just have 2 choices, one is just committing suicide, another is to be the very truth of myself whatever discrimination I will face.

I chose the latter, as I don't want to die without at least trying to become a female.

Hope my little experience could help you...

Good luck to you 

[Adena]

Hi Amelia - welcome!

I am in a similar position to yours in many respects, and still trying to find my path ahead, figuring out how to work all of this out with family, and even figuring out if am really fully trans or just somewhere in between (that part may be different from you). The path is not easy but there is a way and we only have to take one step at a time!

Love,
Denali

[sara.lynn]

Hi Amelia, welcome!    I'm in a very similar situation as you.  For therapy, I found that going through my medical insurance helped and so far I've been super pleased with the response and care from the Behavioral Science department.  I went to therapy first and then only recently came out to my wife. (Next up is the kids  )

Keeping a journal (thanks to the idea from my therapist) really helped me come to acceptance and helped me really figure out want I wanted.

Always think and be positive, there will be bumps in the road.

-Sara

[V M]

Hi Amelia 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Jacqueline]

Amelia,

Sounds like a generally familiar story. I however, kept everything denied till last year. I am out to my fairly supportive wife and few others at this point. I knew I was different and had tendencies to cross dress since pre puberty but never knew I was trans.

There are a lot of great members here. Lots of support. Don't be afraid to ask questions.

Wishing you love, acceptance and a smooth journey.

With warmth,

Joanna