Trans analogies and soundbites

[byanyothername]

 I'd like to have a few easy to understand analogies in my head for when I'm talking to people about what it's like to be trans and how transitioning would/is helping me.

I wouldn't ever expect cis people to actually understand how being trans feels and why we do what we do. Lots of people are good enough to just take us at face value and accept us for who we are, but it's still nice to help them understand how we feel about ourselves, and our bodies without us going on a 30 minute diatribe about being trans.

What do you all say to people to explain why you transition or how dysphoria really feels? Would be fascinated to hear as there are many eloquent guys and gals on Susan's!




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[Rejennyrated]

This probably isn't quite what you want but its a phrase I liked from my late partner... when trying to explain to people the diversity of the trans experience. To understand this you have to realise that Charing Cross is both the hospital in the Uk which carries out many of the SRS procedures and also is a central london railway station. So Alison said "We all arrive on different trains, we all change at charing cross, and we all leave on different trains afterwards"

My own way to express the feeling was in a poem that I wrote in 2009 for my MA in creative writing. It remains my original copyright (which I will assert if necessary) but may be used with my blessing for non commercial and apropriate "educational" purposes.

The Inverse of Vanishing

For years I thought myself invisible,
People passed me on stairs
or shook my hand at parties.
"Pleased to meet you," they said,
even though they didn't.
The ghost in their machine,
truth trapped behind mirrors,
dwelling in the land of fantasy,
dream, or nightmare.
But then the mirror cracked.

I slipped into this world through a hairline.
Now it's you who are the imaginary.
A world of delusions,
each striving for their reality.

[Tessa James]

One of the responses I had to a trans 101 class was "Why would you want to do something so radical and change your body?"  At the risk of people associating transgender with a medical disease here is one answer a class participant gave me as he showed me his old picture ID:  "I was morbidly obese and tried everything to save my miserable life.  I did not want to live this way, no dates, no job and no prospects but an early death.  Then I heard about bariatric surgery and now in recovery I am like you, a new person who used medication and surgery to be living a full life as the person I knew I could be.  Like you, not wanting to be transgender, I did not want to be locked in a shame based existence.  Like you I now feel free to do so much more with my life."

There are countless numbers of people who have quality of life surgical procedures and who take medication to correct adverse medical conditions.  It's not so much of a reach to consider we too want to live free from problems that are the result of a medical condition.

[Asche]

In the story "Shoes", by Heather Rose Brown, the trans girl explains it to her older brother by getting him to put his shoes on the wrong feet and walk around in them.  "Now imagine if you could never take them off."


Another: "you know how some parents decide that one of their babies is going to be a doctor, no matter what the child thinks?  And sometimes the child simply isn't suited to being a doctor, and even assuming he resigns himself to his fate and makes it into and through medical school, is utterly miserable and hates his job?"

Another one I like, but it's a bit gross:

Imagine you woke up one morning to discover you'd grown a penis and balls from your forehead.  You would feel pretty weird, probably even grossed out, right?  Now imagine that feeling about your body never getting any better your whole life.  Every time you look in the mirror or feel your forehead, you are reminded of that thing on your forehead and you feel just as weird and grossed out as on the first day.  And, oh yes, everyone around you thinks it's normal and you're weird for not thinking it's normal.

[sparrow]

I like to ask cisgender people to imagine getting misgendered.  It happens to most kids, and it's embarrassing enough that most people remember it into adulthood.  Then, I ask them to imagine that happening in every single interaction with a stranger... and worse, imagine if every single day, somebody challenged them you even after being corrected... and that a large portion of their family NEVER gets it.

[November Fox]

Sometimes I tell them that for me (as FTM) it´s like I am being forced to wear a dress even though I feel male. I think that works, for me it´s a good analogy because the dress would be symbolic for my body that I can´t just change out of.

Maybe the analogy isn´t so powerful the other way around, but if you can think of a masculine piece of clothing that women generally don´t wear (or do not want to wear) maybe it works?

I like the analogy of the shoes as well!

[alissalyn]

I feel that the feelings that come along with gender dysphoria are not a unique one. The feelings of loneliness even when surrounded by friends and loved ones is a subject of many a love ballads.Such feelings of loneliness, voicelessness and being the unseen, constantly questioning our own existence, brings to mind a tune from the musical Chicago - titled "Mr. Cellophane"

[quote[/quote]]A human being's made of more that air. With all that bulk,you're bound to see him there. Unless that human being' next to you, is unimpressive, undistinguished, you know who. . .Mister cellophane Should have been my name 'cause you can look right through me walk right by me And never know I'm there.[
My approach, when asked or tasked with similar quandaries, was to turn it around asking them to recall their experiences and from there find the shared emotions so I can tell them how I can relate  to them, rather than having them trying to relate to me. Simply put, for me to help them better understand me, I need to better understand them first.

I have 2 examples because that is also the number of people I have come out to regarding my identity).

Though this particular friend did not serve with me during my time in the big sandbox across the sea, he was military and was deployed. So we spoke about his time overseas and his state of mind. I then likened my feelings to what he felt like during those really bad days. (Feelings that I, and I'm sure many service members shared) He spoke of how he would be overwhelmed with the feeling of being lost, unease, and doubt about the actions he took and the orders he followed.  The war was not just, for the justifications for the war derived from the lies of our president, (I'm not saying that it is a fact that President Bush lied, just stating that the whole weapons of mass destruction thing is a little sketchy, and when we're the ones putting rounds down range, having a sketchy justification for the rounds that make contact, it can eat away at you) but we were still fighting a good fight, helping the people, our intentions were good... right? isn't that, is that good enough? Here was when I saw I was able to connect with him. We both, at one point, shared the same question asking ourselves is our  honor unstained... will I be forgiven." It's a little like that but with without someone else giving orders, instead it is just you supplying yourself with lies, lies that in turn make you doubt yourself. "The essence of it is the same" I told him "I guess I'm just a Marine to the Corps you know, one soul tormenting tour to hell and back wasn't enough,  I volunteered for a 2nd."

To a close sister-like friend, I likened it to the time we went through when she was heavily injured in a car wreck that left her dominant arm nearly completely severed. She recalled the desolate hopelessness she felt unable to move her hand, unable to do the simplest of tasks.How each attempt ended in failure, and every failure fueled the flames of hatred that burned vividly inside her ready. Hatred that was sparked and reignited every time she saw herself in the mirror, the scar that ran from shoulder to wrist.It's a little like that. You hate without having something to hate, then hate yourself for having so much hate. Then hopelessness at times drives to the brink of quitting. For her, it became "just an arm, just a part of me  there are many out there that live a normal life with a part of them missing. For me, it was just a part of me as well, there are many out there that live a normal life with a part of them missing." BUT! just like her and the way she felt when she was first able to move one single finger one itsy bitsy bit. That small glimmer of hope and the overwhelming joy of feeling that everything had chance, regardless of how minuscule the chance was, it was still a chance.  That warm fuzzy feeling of her moving her finger for that first time, is the same fuzzy feeling I get every time I put on an adorable matching set of bra and panties, stockings and garter, corset  and foundation, eyeshadow..... lipstick... blush... eyeliner... lashes.... concealer and contouring cream that  my mug is FUBAR but instead with the M replace the F... so MUBAR (made up beyond all recognition), and thus for a moment, beautiful. (And ooohhhh how a silver-tongued man charms you by saying all the right things a gurl like me wants to hear... that fuzzy wuzzy feeling's now a fuzzy wuzzy that'd get me bare, and this fuzzy wuzzy has no hair so fuzzy..wuzzy ....wasn't fuzzy..... was he?  [huh?])?

Segway!

In the Marine Corps, I took the philosophies of one our capstone doctrines to heart and have adopted that philosophy into my own ethos as in such have approached, both professional and personal, complications I have encountered the same way I was trained to approach fighting a war (with the intensity dialed way back to Snoop Doggy Dog levels of course). Without diving too much into it for I may go on a 20 page tangent about it, just dives deeper into the obvious concept that war is nothing more than a competition, like sports, poker, chess etc. 

"The conduct of war is fundamentally a dynamic process of human competition requiring both the knowledge of science and the creativity of art but driven ultimately by the power of human will."

To be victorious at war fighting, we need to do the same thing that the Kobe Bryants or Michael Jordan's do in their competitions.  Learn the Define it, Learn the Nature of it. Study every Theory about it,  Prepare and Train tirelessly to improve yourself for it Practice the conduct of it so actions became reactions, thought become instinct. Most important so you never forget 2 things.  First is that in every competition there is the human element, and we, humans, are capable of inconceivable acts. where 1 man, in 1 moment, may turn the tides of war by himself. Secondly, is to never forget the lesson that every soldier throughout the ages has learned. You will lose, You will not win every battle, every case, Lost is inevitable so always be prepared for that so that when the time comes, countless lives are not wasted on behalf of your ego.

Sorry, it seems I still went off on a bit of a tangent there didn't I.. even after I went back and deleted a paragraph or two. Hopefully, it was at the very least somewhat entertaining to some.

Here's a synopsis for the TLDR's:

For me to help them understand me, I need to better understand them first
Gender dysphoria is like a being a Marine deployed in Operation Iraqi Freedom Operation New Dawn.
Gender dysphoria is like almost losing an arm in a car wreck
Putting on cute matching bra and panty is like moving a finger for the first time.
War is just a big competition.
Be like Mike,
Humans...us... We're amazing!!! YAY!!! (especially Marines! oorah! semper fi, get em, urrrrrrrr, kill!)
You're ego's gonna kill us all!!!!!! NOOOooooooooo..
Sorry about my tangent
Hope wasn't too boring. 

Pssst (it has been quite a while since I have written anything and this with I feel quite safe in apologizing in advance of what I would assume to be a bag full of grammatical errors sprinkled frivolously throughout this post.).

[byanyothername]

Wow!

I'm super impressed at all the clever answers on here so thank you thank you thank you!

I like the idea of trying to tailor your explanation to a shared experience which the other person can emote with. I also like the shoes and misgendering analogies.

The best one I can come up with at the moment is:

When speaking to a girl - imagine that you are looking into your mirror every day and as time goes by you notice that you are growing more and more facial hair, and body hair. Also your mannerisms start to change into more manly ones and people start calling you sir. How uncomfortable would that make you feel?

Same for men, but boobs, a higher voice and female mannerisms.

I haven't come out to more than 2 people yet but I will be well armed to explain things now!

Thanks again :-)




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[invisiblemonsters]

honestly, the easiest way to explain being trans to somebody is trying to basically say, "is there anything about your body you would like to change?" because a lot of people are self conscious about certain things. someone feels they are overweight, that's great because to you, how they feel about being overweight like not confident, self conscious, whatever else, is basically how it feels to be trans imo. just constantly judging yourself, unhappy with your body and if you could change it, you would, just like they would. you can also tell people who don't understand what trans is, is that imagine you being a chocolate bar. the outside changes, but the inside stays the same. i think people tend to forget that, too.