As some of you may know, I have been really anxious the past few weeks that people have found my forum here. Because anxiety is eating me up and making me paranoid I'm going to do a post my therapist suggested. She told me that she wants me to address what has been bothering me, fully acknowledge it and try to move forward from it. By disclosing and acknowledging whats bothering me I hope to take away the power from what I fear and no longer let it make me feel anxious and paranoid. If I'm wrong and it's not been read (hopefully this is the case) then there is no harm in writing out my feelings and acknowledging to myself what this has been all about abd get rid of the anxiety surrounding this. That's actually the point of this manifesto afterall.
First though, just in case, I really want to apologize for my behavior and all the drama that has centered around me lately. Honestly, I've been an emotional mess and it's not fair and unwarranted in many occasions. My problem is I don't know how to properly cope with anxiety and any sense of negative attention. But i truly love my job and care greatly about my work relationship with everyone as it is like a second family in a way, though I realize I don't express that very well at times. I know I'm a flawed person and have a lot of work to make on my social skills and inter personal relationships. It's something im going to watch better and be more proactive about sharing with my therapist cause I really do want to fix this part of myself. And because others have mentioned it I did ask my therapist if have borderline personality disorder because I felt as though many of the symptoms fit me. However, my therapist is certain that I don't have this and was very dismissive about me possibly have it. I value her diagnosis as she has worked with me for over two years and has had numerous trans clients and patients with bpd. If she is confident that I don't have it, then I'm not going to freak out about it. As per her, I just have very bad anxiety, depression and gender dysphoria. However, I do have very poor defense mechanisms and coping strategies with my anxiety, so I do take the suggestion to do more self work seriously and do appreciate that people really are trying to help, if I've interpreted the situation correctly.
For starters the fact that people found stuff I wrote online means everyone at work knows I have feelings for a coworker that I've been trying to process. I feel humiliated to be honest. It's embarrassing enough for everyone and her to know it (and I completely accept/understand her feelings on the subject and appreciate how nice she has been to me about it) but its a whole other thing when it leaves you confused about your orientation and identity to a degree, especially when you are going through the changes im going through. I cant help but feel humiliated and ashamed about it and acknowledging this has created some doubt that I'm trying to clear up and make sense of. Nonetheless, I don't want the person in question to feel uncomfortable as I understand her feelings and totally respect them. Thank you for taking it easy on me and treating me with dignity. And I'm really sorry you had to find out as I would never had said anything and didn't want things to become awkward. You don't deserve that.
The other concern it creates is that it puts my past in the palms of everyone to analyze. There is a big insecurity that I didn't know I was trans until I met another transgender person at 18. Before that I just thought of myself as a weird boy who wished or wanted to be female, but I didn't have it as an internal identity. Even my crossdressing as a kid was always more to emulate or be like my older sisters and female celebrities, not because I believed I was one. It wasn't an identity aspect until I really understood what being trans was and knowing another transperson helped me make sense of myself and aspects of my past. Thats how I learned I was trans. Now all this stuff my therapist is aware of and we have discussed the self discovery and identity aspect in depth, but it makes me insecure that people in my daily life are aware of all this stuff because I feel like my gender identity won't be accepted and will be scrutinized for not fitting the typical narrative. Even if my discovery was at a later age and after meeting another transperson, the fact is this something I feel very strongly about and it's not a choice to be trans even if transitioning is. I really want my decision to be respected and left for me and my doctors to assess.
Three, this site and others like it are where I can express myself as I wish i could socialize in real life. And to be honest, sometimes it's nice to seperate from "Matthew" and his social restrictions in order to explore feelings id otherwise never express. However, I feel guilty and ashamed that people that know me as "Matthew" have seen me on here because I do present myself differently online at times. Here I can be more sociable and open as I don't feel tied to my social anxiety and dysphoria that I get in real life. However, it makes me feel like a fraud as this is how I wish I could be socially and not how I really am with people. Like an idealized version of myself. It fills the void I lack in real life which is embarrassing for everyone to see. Not to mention all the stupid abd embarrassing stuff I have said out loud on here.
At the end of the day, I realize all this stuff is weird and confusing, but this is a part of me I can't change and it's who I am. I've been in therapy for over 2 years about it, so I'm quite certain about how I view myself and what I want even if I'm not fully sure how to get where I want to be and I'm terrified. However, by June I plan to start living as female and the reality is there will be changes and adapting involved. More aspects of my appearance will alter, my voice is going to change as voice training is part of the mtf process, and things like my name and gender pronouns won't be the same. It's a huge change that will be very confusing to those witnessing it, so I understand why this seems bizarre and weird to many. But while you may not understand why I am the way I am and you may be confused about the changes as they come, please try to understand that this is important to me and I truly mean no harm to anyone by doing it. The last thing I wanted to do is make anyone else uncomfortable and I'm sorry if I have.
