How to stop the shame?

[Tommi]

I really suck at opening up.  I don't know why, but I have trouble with accepting myself and the changes it means, but yet the compulsion to be myself is there.

The problem is that I hide things.  Example: I keep my bras and breast forms in my laptop bag and put them on after I leave the house and take them off before I return home, because I haven't come out to the kids yet, and my wife I don't think would approve.

Today she asked what I'm hiding in my bag and I said nothing.  I lied because I am afraid of her reaction, and yet I know the lying hurts her, and I don't want to do that.  So I end up torn between my fear and my reluctance to hurt her, and while I WANT to tell her, the fear wins, pretty much everytime.

How in the world do I get past this?  She's told me before I don't accept myself, and I agree... which is where I end up with doubts I am trans, and just a weirdo.

I am even having a hard time typing this out... I hate admitting that I'm a liar.  I'm ashamed I'm such a crappy person. 

[Oliviah]

Coming out and dealing with same are hard.   If you live in fear of what others think you are not free.

It doesn't matter who or why.

If your wife doesn't know tell her.  If she wants to stay together tell the kids and be happy.

Seek approval from no one but yourself.

[Amoré]

Hi tommy I won't say you are a crappy person you are just taking your family and the their feelings into account and that makes you a good person. The problem with hiding is that if you got caught this may bring more problems than coming out. Either way your wife might feel betrayed if you come out she may or may not accept it you won't know untill you come out.

The problem is she is already suspicious so if you plan on not coming out I will suggest upping your game in hiding your stuff.She will be scratching around a little bit more now.

Hugs

[Tommi]

Hi tommy I won't say you are a crappy person you are just taking your family and the their feelings into account and that makes you a good person. The problem with hiding is that if you got caught this may bring more problems than coming out. Either way your wife might feel betrayed if you come out she may or may not accept it you won't know untill you come out.

The problem is she is already suspicious so if you plan on not coming out I will suggest upping your game in hiding your stuff.She will be scratching around a little bit more now.

Hugs

Amore,

I have come out to her, as she's known from the beginning that I like women's underwear, shave my body, etc, and has accused me of wanting to be a woman many times.  Finally I admitted to being trans, not just having a fetish, both to her and to me.  The problem is, she's not fully accepting, and tells me I keep pushing and doing more and more, and has told me she won't be with me if I want to be a woman.

So I hide the stuff, in order to keep my family which I love whole-heartedly, and still be able to sort of express myself, even in hiding.  Kind of a "want my cake and to eat it too" type of situation.

It would be easier if I didn't have this damn compulsion to express the femininity.  I've tried to suppress it, thrown away the panties, girls jeans, etc, but always come back to it.

[Tommi]

Coming out and dealing with same are hard.   If you live in fear of what others think you are not free.

It doesn't matter who or why.

If your wife doesn't know tell her.  If she wants to stay together tell the kids and be happy.

Seek approval from no one but yourself.

Oliviah,

It's so hard to DO though... I guess I am a coward... the fear is literally nauseating to me...

[Oliviah]

Oliviah,

It's so hard to DO though... I guess I am a coward... the fear is literally nauseating to me...

It is hard.   It is scary.  I puked from stress many times. 

There simply is no other way.

[Rp1713]

Feel the fear and so it anyways. One of the best lessons I've ever learned. It's not always easy, and sometimes you have to take time to build up the courage, but there's nothing like the feeling you get when you overcome fear, regardless of the outcome


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[lostcharlie]

Tommi, Trying to hide who you really are will only be destructive to you and your family in the long run. It sounds like it's time for you to find a good gender therapist. You need help to find the right path for you. Your spouse needs to be involved in the counseling at some point so she knows what you really are suffering from and hopefully can learn how to deal with it also.

[Deborah]

I know the fear.  The only way I got over it with my wife was because it had driven me to the edge of suicide and I felt no other option other than either speak or die (and I had been rehearsing the dying option).


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[Tessa James]

Tommi i hope you will cut yourself some slack.  I would imagine most of us know what this shame and fear are like.  While I now urge trans people to realize their own goals I dithered for decades before i essentially had to come out.  We know dysphoria can be progressive and life long without treatment.  We know shame, guilt and fear can become magnified in the isolation of a closet.  We know what treatment actually works to reduce dysphoria.  And yes, then there is the "doing" part after the chatter.  And you know that old saying; that any journey begins with a single step.

We can do it with small steps, leaving clues, hints and suggestions.  Raising the widely available topic of Caitlyn Jenner can be a conversation starter with your family.  And then there is the "damn the torpedoes full speed" approach i finally took three years ago.  Part of my speed was based on finally accepting myself and realizing there would never be a "better or perfect time."   Go for it girl!

[Tommi]

Thank you all!  I really appreciate you all!!  More than y'all know!!

[Qrachel]

Dear Tommi:

Your experience is common - the fear is natural, the guilt is existential (you are a wonderful person, not some monster or freak or . . . really, you are wonderful!!!), and the dissonance this causes has a lot to do with GID and it's impacts.

It's not an easy road to take but the only path to peace is to be loving, honest, and brave.  And don't worry much about the bravery; you'll find when you need it, while seldom believing that until there's just so much evidence that it's silly to deny it.

The longer you remain in the middle of doubt and shame the worse GID gets.  Again, it isn't easy to move forward though the reward from being loving and honest and doing so is truly immense, only to be truly known by experiencing it.

Much love to you and yours and please stay in touch here,

Rachel

[CassieH]

Hi Tommi,

You are not weak - you are calculating (in a positive sense) and choosing the best time to approach this. You have also reached out to a community for thoughts and suggestions which shows intelligence and courage.

We feel shame for many reasons - in your instance it appears to be several sources which contribute to your shame.
1) your need / want to wear womens clothing (and even perhaps the positive benefit you feel from this)
2) the fact you are trans
3) lying to your wife

Of the above, 3) you have explained is related to you not wanting to hurt your wife. A time will come when you will feel you have to tell her, but how she receives this news is not something you have control over. You can only be responsible for your actions and not how those actions are interpreted by your wife.

Regarding 1) and 2) you have no control over - you are who you are. For me once I understood this I started to accept myself. A part of this for me was reading other peoples stories in this community. That started me questioning why I was trying to conform to some stereotypical society constructs, instead of just being me.

A therapist can help you with processing this.

I wish you the best.

Cass

[JoanneB]

Believe me, coming out is far easier then dealing with the shame. The more time you spend on this planet the more shame keeps building which also feeds the internalized transphobia. Living as a guy you know all too well what guys say and think when the PC police are not around. You know what they will say and think about you if any "pink" shows. And then there is conflating Guilt with Shame which is hard to see when you are consumed by it.

Seven years after for real this time coming out to myself and then to my wife I still have bouts of dealing with shame. But then, I am an expert at beating up on myself. Especially with all the other stresses in my life these days. The only guilt I have, well justified, is how this battle I am fighting is affecting her. She didn't sign up for this. Especially after a good 30 years of both of us thinking I am "just a CD"

As to "How to stop it?" Plenty of hard work on yourself be it with a for real gender therapist and or plenty of self-help books. Getting back in touch with your own spirituality. Plus some sort of support system like a TG support group or groups.

Working on how you see and think of yourself is key. Best of all the only person you need to "come out" to is yourself. Even a person with a negative self esteem like me was able to finally do it