Threatening Wife

[ameliato]

Hi,

It's been a while since I posted and a long while since I even came here. I don't even know where to start.

In 2014 my wife and I had a child. He was born 10 weeks early and was hospitalized for 2 months after birth and very close to death most of that time and required a number of surgeries. He has since recovered and is about or above the top of this list in all developmental aspects, both physically and mentally.

During the first year of his life my wife suffered from psychosis and severe post partum depression from this experience. During this stage, my lifelong dysphoria intensified to the point where I sought a specialist in gender therapy as I could no longer deny who I am. She helped me greatly in acceptance of myself and probably saved my life.

Around a year ago I came out to my wife. Long story short she talked me into basically going back into denial for a few months. Mid last year I realized that transition is something I will do at some point in my life and have now been on a wait list for a REALLY long time to see an endo. Anytime I try and talk to my wife about any of this she gets very angry and abusive. ->-bleeped-<-, ->-bleeped-<-got, sissy, homo, prance around the house like a little girly ->-bleeped-<-, etc etc are her favourite choice words to try and hurt me.

I always stay calm and try to speak rationally to her but it gets nowhere. Her new thing now is anytime my gender issue comes up she starts threatening that she will take my son away from me and that I will be lucky to see him on weekends and will get nothing financially from this. She is a teacher, I in automotive, underpaid and under employed due to a few circumstances.

I also do all the daycare drop offs, pickups, and most of the child care during the week as her job demands many more hours than mine. My son is my world, and the thought of losing him kills me. I honestly could lose my wife at this point and know I would be happier without her. I wish she could see beyond my gender issues and just love me for me, but she goes into blind rage whenever I try and speak about it. She has no understanding or knowledge of trans people beyond Jenner, and Springer essentially

It pains me to say this, but as much as I love her, I can't take her abuse anymore, but I know walking out will cause me to lose my son.

Anyone have any advice on how I can handle this, what I can do to protect my interests? I have not yet started my transition and am hoping to very soon, but I know doing so will cost me essentially every positive aspect of my life.

Amelia

[Dena]

Laws vary from state to state so the best advice is see a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. Don't change anything until you have see your lawyer or you might make things worst.

[stephaniec]

sounds like you only option is to talk to a lawyer and protect yourself. Have you tried couples counseling.

[BeverlyAnn]

I agree with Dena about seeing a lawyer.  But start documenting how much of the child care you do compared to how much she does.  Keep a running total of hours per week for each of you so you can show you are the primary caregiver for your son but don't let her know it.  Oh and if she's being this nasty, be prepared to be outed in court.

Oh and if it's possible, when she gets nasty, just smile at her and say something like, "I love you too darling."

[iKate]

Don't just walk. That is a HUGE mistake. You need to stay the course until everything is settled. If she is abusing you though then you need to explore your options. This is where the lawyer comes in. In fact it may even work in your favor, however the courts tend to be more sympathetic to the mother but that is changing somewhat.

Worse come to worse if she is extremely abusive, especially physically you can leave and get a restraining order against her and take your kid too... But it's not THAT bad yet. Best to talk to a lawyer, they will tell you what you need to know.

[Jill F]

Lawyer up yesterday if you feel divorce is imminent.  Don't let her end up taking what is rightfully yours.

[Tamika Olivia]

I agree with everything that everyone has said to this point. You need to see an attorney in your area, preferably one who has litigated custody disputes where there are LGBT/Queer issues at play. You might contact local LGBT organizations, or a local chapter of the ACLU to see if there is anyone who specializes in cases like your own. If your strapped for cash, and you live near a college town, you might see if there is a law school with a legal clinic. If they have a domestic relations clinic, you may be able to receive low cost or free legal aid. Your attorney may be a student, but their process and decisions will be overseen by a practicing attorney.

In the meantime, the best thing you can do is keep the focus on your child. If you're focused on the child, and your wife is lobbing barbs at you, it will not play well for her in a custody dispute.

[Naomi71]

I've been in the same situation years ago (my son is 16 now), except that my ex is a borderliner. But same abuse, even the same classy choice of words. At that time she didn't know I was transgender, but did call me a "->-bleeped-<-got" and other things. For me it was easy to prove in the end, because she had one of her "friends" put me in the hospital.

If you are the primary caretaker and she's psychotic and abusive on top of that, you should be able to leave her, get custody over the child and have her pay child support. That's what I aimed for. Just quietly start collecting evidence (like recording her abuse), see that lawyer and work on your income situation, so you won't necessarily depend on her. But go. Not only for you, but also for your child. It should not be that hard for you if you can prove her mental instability, any judge will rule that it's not in the child's interest to be with a crazy and abusive person.

Don't let the money stop you though, it will work itself out. I started my own business so I could work from home and combine it with being a single parent.

[Ms Grace]

As others say, you need to start planning your exit strategy. Speak to someone who is going to get the best outcome for you and your son. I'd suggest keeping a journal documenting the abuse, might come in handy... just make sure she doesn't find it.

[Cindy]

These situations are always fraught with emotions from both sides and emotional arguments and situations do not lend themselves to negotiation.

Bringing in the lawyers does get rid of the emotional argument as far as settlement.

No it won't go away and yes it will tear you and your wife to pieces. But sadly when it reaches this point there cannot be a discussion.

The safety of your son is paramount. In a fierce emotional situation this can be forgotten or even used as a 'weapon'.

Bring in the lawyers so it can be resolved and do be aware of domestic violence. Not only between the two of you but also involving your son.

This is not saying that either of you would ever hurt him, but when the red cloud and the black clouds come down on people there may be consequences that no one, neither of you want to happen.

My heart goes out to all three of you.

Be safe, all of you.

[JoanneB]

Depending on where you live, the judge and legal representatives on both sides, odds are still fairly good your wife gets the kid, you'll get some visitation rights. Just the way divorce courts are stacked against males.

The other sad fact is your wife essentially hates your guts and is transphobic at the very least. The only reason you are around is the free day-care. To be a stay at home mom while looking for a real job.

Document, document, document and seek out a lawyer. Plus be up front with one about dropping the T-Bomb. She WILL throw that bomb right back at you in court.

[Michelle86]

You should definitely meet with an attorney to see what options you have available where you live.  Good luck.  It's a very tough situation.