What am I?

[Deborah]

I would do the same thing at $5 a month.  My therapist was $160 for 45 min and my insurance won't pay anything.  I would be interested in hearing how it goes once you get an appointment.  Good luck. :-)


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[StillAnonymous]

It worked out well for me when I started through my school.  I think schools generally have a more accepting environment and their councilors care more about the students doing well academically rather than worrying about personal struggles.  My school's insurance covers the psychological counseling, HRT, and even GRS/SRS.  I think your school is a great route, and I wanted to share my insight because you are planning to use your school too.

I don't want to encourage most people to begin HRT simply to determine whether or not they are transgender, but I can definitely say that beginning HRT has enhanced my certainty of it.  I am definitely transgender, and the HRT has given me a lot of relief.  Your story sounds very similar to mine with the exception of military and dating men.  I feel like it is helping me with my coursework too because I am able to focus on the topics instead of struggling with my gender identity.

Good luck! 

[Emily-G]

Thank you all for the help!

I had a therapy session today with someone who only works with trans issues and nothing else. She was fantastic and made me feel great. She is writing me a letter for horomones, just in case the doctor asks for one.

Now I just gotta figure out where to go.

I decided against taking counseling with my school because the Director was supposed to talk with my clinician prior and well.. She didn't do that or return my email so I got discouraged.

I wonder if I can still get horomones through the school, I'll have to check.

[JLT1]

Hang in there.  Lots of bumps in the transition road.  Bot you did good!

Hugs

Jen

[LivingTheDream]

You sound a lot like me when it comes to the sexual side of things like crossdressing then masturbating. First time I ever did it, I believe, was while in a swimsuit and it became my default way to do it (dressed or at least partially cross dressed..). It wasn't until I saw a porn for the first time that I realized that guys don't do it that way..tried it that way but didn't like it at all so went back to other way. Haven't done it very much with touching it directly but I did do it way too often. I'm kinda indifferent towards it, don't really like it and kinda wish it was gone but yet, sometimes it is convenient and still feels good to masturbate.

I am almost certain I had thoughts of wanting to be a girl, be like my mom to be exact, at a really young age. I tried to do some of the things she used to do (smoke x.x), wore her stuff when I could safely do so and even tried some makeup. I dunno if she or my dad ever knew or found out until I was much older (dad did once for sure, bad times lol).

I was kinda already heading in the direction of transitioning before I found out there was such a thing. I was extremely jealous of one, in particular, coworkers' hair; it was super soft and long and just beautiful and I decided that instead of being a creepo who kept playing with it at work that I would grow my own to do so with. I also had this overwhelming desire to have breasts like forever. I tried stuffing bras with like everything imaginable, trying to get a good look and feel but nothing worked all that well for me. I tried breastforms but they were a pain in the you know what, they didn't feel good or right, and they looked totally fake. I looked for something better, found out about herbs that "supposedly" can cause breast growth, even in guys!(it did give me some, i used quotes cuz I figured was total scam..) I debated about it for maybe a few weeks, maybe less, but figured, I always wanted it, its prolly a scam but why not try, whats it gonna hurt? Few months after starting that, found this place and was like, uh oh, wow, lol.

I started therapy a few months later. I now wanted the real deal and I also wanted to make sure that I wasn't crazy; wanted to make sure I was actually trans. I was extremely worried about the sexual issue too, worried that it was just a fetish and that I was making a mistake that I would regret. I wanted and needed someone to tell me that I was 100% trans..I spent quite awhile (like a year..) in therapy to determine if I was or not. I was never told directly that I was 100% trans, he kinda referred to me as being such but not totally. I continued going forward tho cuz I wanted to even tho I wasn't sure. Eventually, sorta go to the point where I said eff it, don't need someone to tell me I am trans.

Here I am now, hrt for over a year, most time, still got some doubts, haha! I like my appearance so much more tho, i feel like a diff person, much happier, more outgoing and social, I am wayyyyy more open about any and everything, and I'm not really worried about how people see me or if like me or not (used to be most important thing before. While I don't really like to or wanna be seen as trans, I don't really worry bout trying to make everyone happy and like trying to make sure that people only see good things bout me). I have had a few people say that I am quite different than before, some even say that they like to hang with me more now too. I do still worry bout being seen as trans and all the bad that can come from that but nothing bad as happened to me as of yet; thus, I can say that I feel much much much more relaxed than I was before too.

I just took things step by step, pretty slowly too, and here I am. I never could've imagined that I'd be where I am now.

You seem to know what you want to me. Everyone has doubts, doubts are normal. My advice would be similar to how I did things myself; relax (ok, I guilty of not doing that!), take things slow, go step by step, try things, see what you like and dislike and go from there.

[Emily-G]

Thanks everyone for the support! It really means A LOT!

I emailed the person in charge of the LGBTQ at the University because they didn't have a specific trans contact. They did have a page stating that hormones, therapy and SRS surgery is paid for by the school. 

Anyways, she hasn't responded yet, so I'm getting a little upset but I'm trying to be patient. I also contacted a Transgender Center via email, and I'm waiting on their response.

At this point, I'm ready to just pay out of pocket to get the process started. I just need to figure out where a good place to go is. I live in Houston, I'm not trying to go to Bubba's Office and explain myself.

Hopefully someone gets back to me!

You sound a lot like me when it comes to the sexual side of things like crossdressing then masturbating. First time I ever did it, I believe, was while in a swimsuit and it became my default way to do it (dressed or at least partially cross dressed..). It wasn't until I saw a porn for the first time that I realized that guys don't do it that way..tried it that way but didn't like it at all so went back to other way. Haven't done it very much with touching it directly but I did do it way too often. I'm kinda indifferent towards it, don't really like it and kinda wish it was gone but yet, sometimes it is convenient and still feels good to masturbate.

I am almost certain I had thoughts of wanting to be a girl, be like my mom to be exact, at a really young age. I tried to do some of the things she used to do (smoke x.x), wore her stuff when I could safely do so and even tried some makeup. I dunno if she or my dad ever knew or found out until I was much older (dad did once for sure, bad times lol).

I was kinda already heading in the direction of transitioning before I found out there was such a thing. I was extremely jealous of one, in particular, coworkers' hair; it was super soft and long and just beautiful and I decided that instead of being a creepo who kept playing with it at work that I would grow my own to do so with. I also had this overwhelming desire to have breasts like forever. I tried stuffing bras with like everything imaginable, trying to get a good look and feel but nothing worked all that well for me. I tried breastforms but they were a pain in the you know what, they didn't feel good or right, and they looked totally fake. I looked for something better, found out about herbs that "supposedly" can cause breast growth, even in guys!(it did give me some, i used quotes cuz I figured was total scam..) I debated about it for maybe a few weeks, maybe less, but figured, I always wanted it, its prolly a scam but why not try, whats it gonna hurt? Few months after starting that, found this place and was like, uh oh, wow, lol.

I started therapy a few months later. I now wanted the real deal and I also wanted to make sure that I wasn't crazy; wanted to make sure I was actually trans. I was extremely worried about the sexual issue too, worried that it was just a fetish and that I was making a mistake that I would regret. I wanted and needed someone to tell me that I was 100% trans..I spent quite awhile (like a year..) in therapy to determine if I was or not. I was never told directly that I was 100% trans, he kinda referred to me as being such but not totally. I continued going forward tho cuz I wanted to even tho I wasn't sure. Eventually, sorta go to the point where I said eff it, don't need someone to tell me I am trans.

Here I am now, hrt for over a year, most time, still got some doubts, haha! I like my appearance so much more tho, i feel like a diff person, much happier, more outgoing and social, I am wayyyyy more open about any and everything, and I'm not really worried about how people see me or if like me or not (used to be most important thing before. While I don't really like to or wanna be seen as trans, I don't really worry bout trying to make everyone happy and like trying to make sure that people only see good things bout me). I have had a few people say that I am quite different than before, some even say that they like to hang with me more now too. I do still worry bout being seen as trans and all the bad that can come from that but nothing bad as happened to me as of yet; thus, I can say that I feel much much much more relaxed than I was before too.

I just took things step by step, pretty slowly too, and here I am. I never could've imagined that I'd be where I am now.

You seem to know what you want to me. Everyone has doubts, doubts are normal. My advice would be similar to how I did things myself; relax (ok, I guilty of not doing that!), take things slow, go step by step, try things, see what you like and dislike and go from there.

Thanks for your story, we did have a lot of similarities! That's only more re-affirming to me which is great! I like what you said about worrying it was all a fetish and nothing else. That has definitely been a worry for me.

I think my last therapy session, my therapist really helped me out. She was just like, "Do cisgender men want their penis removed? Of course not. Do cisgender men have anxiety about the hair on their body? Nope. Do cisgender men want curvy figures and less muscle on their bodies? Nope. Do cisgender men want breasts? No."

Then she went on to say, "What if a cisgender woman woke up with a super hairy body, how would she feel? Insecure, filled with anxiety right? What if a cisgender woman woke up and had a penis, how would she react? Freak out right?" She kept going but it made me feel a lot better.

I think if I had to pick out a key difference, I never had to cross-dress to masturbate, but it was like when I was trying not to dress, anxiety would get me wound up and the idea of "giving in" would sexually excite me.

I don't think actually wearing clothes would get me like, okay masturbate. Maybe once or twice, but it's good to know others out there struggled with the SAME concerns. Usually once I'm wearing clothes, it's like a boulder is taken off my shoulders and I'm good.

I've realized I have an obsession with women's bodies because I'm jealous of their body. Me personally, I don't desire sex with them at all (not that there is anything wrong with that). But I do have an attraction, but it's all jealousy. I'm never like, "Oh man, let me get with that!" I save those feelings for the men.

I just wonder though... That when we are trying to deny ourselves, perhaps there is just so much anxiety built up within us, our body is just like... Okay girl/bro, I'm coming out anyway I can. The more I dress, the less sexual feelings I have, and just a sense of relief.

Then again I'm new here so, maybe this just a honeymoon stage for me. Regardless, I'm not even out really, and I already feel much better accepting this.

[Emily-G]

LGBTQ Director for my University got back to me, and directed me to our Health Care Center for hormones. I'm kinda nervous about visiting there but I guess it's a step to much more.

[Deborah]

Yeah, the first time going in is a little nerve wracking.  But the anticipation is much worse than the actual thing.


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[itsApril]

LGBTQ Director for my University got back to me, and directed me to our Health Care Center for hormones. I'm kinda nervous about visiting there but I guess it's a step to much more.

Courage!  If they have a program for it there, it's obvious that you're not the first person to come in for it!  Somebody else already blazed that trail you're following.

[Emily-G]

Thanks for the support, it means a lot! 

Well, another road bump.

Before I can get hormones from the center at the University, I must register with their insurance plan. I figured considering I was a student, this was part of the tuition, so I checked out rates.... I have to pay $800.00 by Feb. 19th!!! 

I have to buy a new car this week and in-between rent..(I might cry  )

I'm not sure I can do that, but I'm determined. I paid off my last credit card this year, maybe I'll snag another one and take care of this. I think I've got some stuff I can sell too on Ebay.

I have insurance through the VA that is free, but so far anything I've done is a nightmare through them. Their idea of a doctor visit is to have me wait in the Emergency Room for 4 hours. I can only imagine it taking years for me to get hormones authorized.

I am proud of myself though, I've emailed several people requesting information about their transgender services, including the insurance company at the school. While I'm not shopping yet, I feel like I'm taking the wheel of my own life.

Feels good! 

[Emily-G]

I've been getting super stressed out lately and for some reason I've been much more emotional than I should be. I'm not sure if it's just me finally letting down some walls in my mind, but I spent a few minutes in the grocery store parking lot today crying. (Which is strange for me)

I talked to my mother today and she replied, "You don't seem to be coping with things as well as you used to, are you alright?"

I was feeling overwhelmed with starting a new job soon, working up the courage to get on hormones; thinking about telling my family, my friends and worrying about how financially I'm going to make all this work. It's like the reality of the logistics of everything is coming into focus, and how much a struggle and a journey this is all going to be.

I can see what it will be like, when it's all done, but it's the gruesome middle part that I'm really worried about. All the surgery, lasers, constantly coming out, constantly explaining, unpleasant workplace, strange looks... and just hoping everything will be better eventually.

Then I feel just so torn because I want a career, and everything is working out for me in that department. But now I feel like they hired one person, and not realizing they are getting another... Which is something they will have to deal with soon.

Then, I got a friend that is flying down in March, and it's like.. Dammit! I gotta hide all my female stuff, I'll be on hormones for 2 months at that point I may look a little different. Then, I got a wedding for a friend to attend in April in which I'm meeting 2 other friends and it's just like, great now I gotta try to hide more stuff. Then I got my mother wanting to drive down here to visit..

It's just a lot. I hate hiding stuff, but I can't really come out yet either.

How do, or did you all handle it?

[Peep]

If you're a sexual person you're a sexual person regardless of gender identity. Unless you're asexual it's unlikely that sex won't play at least a tiny part in your transition. Does wanting to have sex in a body that I can look at without feeling anxiety make it a fetish? I don't think so...

Then I feel just so torn because I want a career, and everything is working out for me in that department. But now I feel like they hired one person, and not realizing they are getting another... Which is something they will have to deal with soon.

I guess they hired you for your skills, not for your dress sense or pronouns...

[Emily-G]

Thanks Peep!

Definitely made me feel better.

I think I've realized that I've never been in a position where I felt okay to just feel or be who I am. I've always felt either religion, family, friends, media or a job telling me what I should feel. It makes being who you are feel difficult to do, because you spend your entire life trying to fit in. I think after awhile, your body just goes on autopilot and automatically tries to find someway to survive and adapt.

Strange. I'm 27 years old and I'm just now starting a journey into really understanding who I am. Removing a thick layer of other people's expectations and just having an honest moment to myself with honest feelings of who I really am as a person-besides gender.

It's exciting, exhilarating and frightening at the same time. A mess of emotions with only the hope that I can maintain the courage to see it through to the end. Now I get to meet myself, and discard the mask I've been wearing for so long.

2016 is my year to be an honest representation of who I am and not what society expects of me. Feels good.

[LivingTheDream]

I was feeling overwhelmed with starting a new job soon, working up the courage to get on hormones; thinking about telling my family, my friends and worrying about how financially I'm going to make all this work. It's like the reality of the logistics of everything is coming into focus, and how much a struggle and a journey this is all going to be.

I can see what it will be like, when it's all done, but it's the gruesome middle part that I'm really worried about. All the surgery, lasers, constantly coming out, constantly explaining, unpleasant workplace, strange looks... and just hoping everything will be better eventually.

Then I feel just so torn because I want a career, and everything is working out for me in that department. But now I feel like they hired one person, and not realizing they are getting another... Which is something they will have to deal with soon.

Then, I got a friend that is flying down in March, and it's like.. Dammit! I gotta hide all my female stuff, I'll be on hormones for 2 months at that point I may look a little different. Then, I got a wedding for a friend to attend in April in which I'm meeting 2 other friends and it's just like, great now I gotta try to hide more stuff. Then I got my mother wanting to drive down here to visit..

It's just a lot. I hate hiding stuff, but I can't really come out yet either.

How do, or did you all handle it?

I'm back again! (oh no!)

I went thru something similar about 1.5 yrs ago to what you are going thru now.

Transition-wise I was:

I had been in therapy about 10 months with one and like 6 months with another (was a mess obv haha). The first was a new pysch person, someone from school, one of the first people I told that I wished I was female. She was still a student, just bout to graduate, so didn't know if could help me with gender things as she was new and I her first; the 2nd was a gender therapist. I was going to em both 1x a week or so, lol. I had started laser a few months ago, had that every 4-6 weeks. I was seeing a voice therapist like 2x a month. I was pre-hrt; I had 2 different endo appointments the following month but no hrt letter ! I knew by now that I wanted to try hrt at least and I was so upset and mad at my shrinks for not providing me with one by now (he promised one months ago but then kept delaying..) I was so afraid I would be denied hrt if saw endo w/o one; quite honestly, I thought that he may never write me one and I would never get on hrt at all.. I think I was only out to like 2 people at the time who knew me irl, and was struggling with telling a few very important ones about me.

Life-wise I was:

I had a ton of stress then; I would say that I was pretty dang depressed and overwhelmed. My nephew was just born (or bout to be) so I became an "uncle" (according to his parents at the time)(eww). His parents are one of the very important ones that I was trying to tell bout me, but it couldn't have been worse timing I thought, as being a new and first time parent was a huge life changing event for em. I couldn't stop thinking about telling em and I was so fearful of it going bad, but I just couldn't bring it up then. Because I felt I couldn't tell em then, the thoughts of it going terrible were allowed to continue running thru my mind, constantly.

I also had just moved for the first time in my life a few months ago (this is around oct '14, that april '14 before this was very bad and difficult too) and was still struggling with taking care of myself, doing things like paying my bills myself, keeping and cleaning house, having my own place, being alone. That was big and different, definitely stressful. It was kinda nice tho too in a way, I had freedom. I def used that to dress more, experiment more like that, less chance of getting caught (I was super worried tho that someone would come by and I left something out).

As I've mentioned a few times already, I was pretty depressed and lonely. I didn't have many friends and I wasn't close to hardly anyone in the family. I did make a conscious decision to try to work on that; I was actively trying to be more social to cure my loneliness and depression.

I was also back in school again. I had been accepted into my uni's nursing program; I started classes in September. I was only taking two classes (first semester nursing are basically intros, you could only take 2 nursing ones and had all pre-reqs done). They were def different than my previous classes there, every week it seemed I had a test or a project or a paper or quiz or something of the sort due!

Did I mention that I was also still working part time too? 3 days a week, around 20 hours or so a week I believe.

The crap hit the fan somewhere in October..

I felt like I was failing in all aspects of my life, my personal time, housework/chore time, school, work, social, transition. I felt I had no time for me, me to enjoy things by myself, I was too lazy, tired, depressed to put in the effort to pay my bills on time and keep my house clean and those type things, I was doing bad in school, not keeping up with reading or work, was taking time off work to rest and try to accomplish other things, social; well, I've always been kinda lonely and depressed, wanted work on that, spend time with family, see my new nephew, come out to brother someday, wasn't doing good enough at that, transition wise; still no hrt letter, not to mention spending so much time coming and going to and in therapy and my other trans places I needed to go to. I was always tired, not sleeping nearly enough and I just couldn't do it all anymore.

I dropped out of school. I was doing pretty poorly at the time and it was one of my biggest stressors and time eaters at the time. It definitely hurt me; I was so proud to say that I was in school, taking nursing classes but I just couldn't do it any longer. I realized tho that a solid foundation is needed before you can add more and I didn't have that; I was a depressed, lonely, broken, suicidal thinking person then. I had to work on me instead.

So ya, I def know what you mean when you say you are overwhelmed right now, starting new job, thinking bout coming out, trying get on hormones and doing other transition related things.

I think I prolly handled things pretty poorly so this may be a list of what not to do, haha, but here's what I did.

I choose to work on myself first, try to fix that, and I dropped out of school.

I tried to make myself not think or worry about how and when to tell people, my brother mostly, and what I thought the likely result and worse case scenario might be. It will happen when it happens was the idea. It worked slightly...had a big issue with this in dec of that year, went over there to finally tell, couldn't, left before he even got home from work..following few days was so depressed that I didn't leave house, skipped nephews baptism too Took till like march to finally accomplish this.

Didn't have hrt letter before either of the endo visits. I totally did bad with this, totally stressed right up till both appointments, lol! It's not something I could control tho, I can't write my own hrt letter.. (turned out great tho, got spiro from first, e was 2nd, no letter woot woot! (he knows him tho and that he's slow as %)*$ with letters)) I think it was like 6 months after that before I finally got a letter to give to my doc...

Had more time so went back to 5 days work

Spent more time with my bro and nephew

Continued transitioning. Therapy def helped me, the first therapist especially helped; I used her to work on life and depression issues mostly, but ya, talking bout things with her, trying to do little things to help me change things did help at the time.

It took some time but a few months after this breakdown, round february, in general, I just started feeling better.

It's good that you have some idea about what's coming up for you transition and life wise. My advice would be to be just leave it at that. Continue working towards it and see where life takes you. I say this to you based on my above experience. I planned everything, kept repeatedly nonstop running it thru my head, and it was all for nothing! My coming out for example, was half a year after I wanted it to be. I went over it over and over and over again in my head, planning out possible responses, and it went nothing like anything I thought of. Same with my letter and my hrt! I almost canceled my 2nd appointment cuz I thought it would be for naught, I thought I would just be disappointed and wouldn't get on e, and if not for a talking with another trans friend on mine, who basically said, what have you got to lose, I prolly would've!

I don't think worrying about the future helped me, I think in some ways it prolly hurt me. Mid-transition you may get some stares, I know I did (while trying grow hair out, at a certain point during laser treatment where I was pretty patchy for awhile following appointments) or you may not. If you don't, then why worry, if you do, what does worrying solve or help?

Sounds to me like you are doing pretty good tho. Just keep at it, you'll get there!

Thanks Peep!

Definitely made me feel better.

I think I've realized that I've never been in a position where I felt okay to just feel or be who I am. I've always felt either religion, family, friends, media or a job telling me what I should feel. It makes being who you are feel difficult to do, because you spend your entire life trying to fit in. I think after awhile, your body just goes on autopilot and automatically tries to find someway to survive and adapt.

Strange. I'm 27 years old and I'm just now starting a journey into really understanding who I am. Removing a thick layer of other people's expectations and just having an honest moment to myself with honest feelings of who I really am as a person-besides gender.

It's exciting, exhilarating and frightening at the same time. A mess of emotions with only the hope that I can maintain the courage to see it through to the end. Now I get to meet myself, and discard the mask I've been wearing for so long.

2016 is my year to be an honest representation of who I am and not what society expects of me. Feels good.

Congratz! Took me almost 32 years to get here, so you got me beat!

I used to hold myself to crazy self set standards. For example, everyone says swearings bad, yet everyone does it, I don't, so I'm better than everyone; crazy things like that. I was always super guarded and walled up, anxious. I tried to act really macho, definitely never feminine at all, cuz was fearful I'd be seen as gay. My biggest thing was that I just didn't want anyone to ever think or know anything "bad" about me. I couldn't even stand the thought of it. I wanted everyone to like me or at the very least be like at least ok with me; I just couldn't imagine or stand the thought of someone disliking or hating me; it just couldn't be, I wouldn't let it, and would do any and everything to avoid it.

Somewhere and somehow along the way I was able to drop all this baggage. I dunno really when or how or why it occurred but it has; now its like, it doesn't even matter to me, seems so silly. That was how I lived oh I dunno, 30 some years tho, that was the most important thing to me.

Now its like gone. Ya, I still don't want people to think badly of me or dislike me but it's like, I can't control that and not gonna worry about it or have it effect me. Like you said, it feels free; it feels really really good.