Questions about my female identity.

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I have found out a few odd things about my gender that I think it would be nice to discuss.

Firstly I have found that this "gender" changes a little. I feel like a girl just when I am by myself. But when I am with other people it seems to change depending on who I am with. If I am with my mum I think girl (daughter) when I am with friends it's a mixture. When I hear my male voice or see my face that affects it too. However I doubt I am gender-fluid because I have virtually no emotional attachment to male life. I think it has a lot to do with brain washing.

Secondly This ID has a "dark hue", It seems to be a bit Gothic or emo. Which is odd. Type in (google images) Alice madness returns to get an idea.   This is very strange that such things would get a feminine chime. I think it may have something to do with repression.  Any help?

[Serverlan]

Despite your feminine side being partly (or wholly) innate, perhaps the people around you are mirroring what you've been putting out to them. If you've been hiding your feminine side from view (to lesser or greater degrees, depending upon who you're with), then people will respond to whatever persona you've been putting out there. I know because I've been doing that for 35-years and am only now trying to figure out how to break that cycle, which is hard because it's so ingrained. If I were to write a letter to my 18-year-old self, I'd say be authentic and don't feel that you have to pander to other people's expectations of who you should be. It's hard, though; I wasn't brave enough to do it back then, instead substituting (somewhat unconsciously and ignorantly) my innate feminine nature with a prefab masculine one. I have massive regrets now, huge. But I try not to be too hard on myself, as the influence of dominate gender norms cannot be underestimated, especially if you have, as I did, a fairly passive, quiet and introverted personality. These days it's enough to drive me to drink. 

I may be misreading what you're saying, but why do you consider goth/emo to fall outside of the feminine realm?

[Ms Grace]

Plenty of emo goth women out there. Quite a few trans people find that when they are able to fully express themselves as their identified gender that there are a whole bunch of previously repressed characteristics that come to the fore.

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Thank you for replying I know it's a tough question to answer. I think growing up I used many coping mechanisms and that helped me suppress it.

I may be misreading what you're saying, but why do you consider goth/emo to fall outside of the feminine realm?

No I don't think...but do you think it falls within it?

I definitely as a kid I honestly believed that I was a guy and that how I felt made me a freak. As soon as I knew you could be one thing on the inside and something else on the outside I changed my mind.   

[Naomi71]

Isn't that more like gender fluidity though, if your sense of identity varies with the social context? I have constantly been aware of my innate identity and was stressed out because of that, anxious to be caught for effeminate behavior and basically acting a male persona. Acting in that way is a lot like method acting, so there was some superficious identification going on. But it still was an act and sure as hell felt that way.

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Isn't that more like gender fluidity though, if your sense of identity varies with the social context? I have constantly been aware of my innate identity and was stressed out because of that, anxious to be caught for effeminate behavior and basically acting a male persona. Acting in that way is a lot like method acting, so there was some superficious identification going on. But it still was an act and sure as hell felt that way.

I am not sure I am gender-fluid. I have very little emotional attachment to the idea of being a guy. I feel like a girl 98% of the time and feeling like a guy is linked to feeling disconnected and/or depressed and inadequate.

However your description does differ from mine. As a kid I believed I was a guy because I was told I was. I also knew what boy "had" and found quickly that I "had" it so that was that. Although that being said I was unhappy about this and associated with my female family members than my male ones...A bit like an inescapable hell in some ways.

I did absorb much of the massages about what boys were supposed to do. Sometimes it's difficult to tell what is "me" and what is my massed up childhood. Is there any chance estrogen may clear this up?

[Naomi71]

Well, as a kid I was doing a lot of feminine things: I danced ballet and had mostly girlfriends, but a guy in my school found out that I was in ballet class and I was regularly beaten up after that. So I quit ballet and went doing martial arts, but always knew that I was just adapting.

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Well, as a kid I was doing a lot of feminine things: I danced ballet and had mostly girlfriends, but a guy in my school found out that I was in ballet class and I was regularly beaten up after that. So I quit ballet and went doing martial arts, but always knew that I was just adapting.

I have done some "soul searching" and found out that my core gender does not really change much more I come off as male to other people, Whether this is acting or not I don't know.

Growing up I had both male and female friends. I hated the idea of standing out or being odd. So I did everything I could to fit in. So if you approached me as a kid and said "would you like to do ballet" I would say no even though deep down I wanted to say yes. There was a definite sense of hiding something from others. But I was deeply ashamed of feeling like a girl and hated myself.

[Serverlan]

Well, as a kid I was doing a lot of feminine things: I danced ballet...

Hey, me too! It became my career.

[Martine A.]

It is all right, however it feels right for you. Just do your thing, explore it, and go through the development of your style and character. For many there is a lot to catch up, and it is normal to feel disoriented. But it all should start from somewhere, right?

I think one just feels how they want their style to start to develop, and what from. That probably evolves for everyone with time spent waiting. At least for me it evolved with time. Also some parts were simply not achieved. For instance, I won't wear or have items that kids or teenagers do, so [ I ] have to make my peace with that part of my life being lost. I am aware of that trans person who went for it in 50s iirc, living through being 5-6 years old.

In a nutshell, I knew how I want to be from start. And only recently I have got full freedom to explore it. I wish no less for everyone else. Be as you feel, that should get you to where you want to be.