Hello the amazing members of
Susans.org,
Firstly, I want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for being here. I've been lurking on this website since I was 14 or so – and I'm 19 now. I should have registered and contributed before – but my uncertainty about my gender situation convinced me that clinging to something crossdressing-related would fuel it further. Therefore, I abstained from it until now. (You might infer an attempt at avoiding crossdressing from this paragraph – and yes, it's there.)
This might be a long read – but it should be pretty interesting. This is the result of 16 years of crossdressing, and I am absolutely lost on my gender identity. (which I hope to figure out so I can transition or NOT transition before more T damage.)
I am 19 years old – and I live away from my family with a roommate (we don't share rooms). I have a very feminine body in general – my bottom body is more feminine than 90% of women's, my arms are angled outwards when my palms are facing forward (female trait!), my lips are very full and my face overall is very feminine, and my upper body is slightly feminine except for lack of breasts and my shoulders.
My crossdressing urges started when I was... between the ages of 3 and 5. I would beg my mother to let me try her lipstick – her hairband, her heels... Everything. At the age of 5, when I started first grade (early), I very, very vividly remember going to bed at night and fantasizing that I was a girl the next day at school. I never told anyone.
Before puberty, every once in a while, I would try to crossdress, especially pantyhose. I never really wore anything except for that until a later age. I was raised by women – a single mother and a grandmother mostly - and I didn't really have a father figure except for my grandfather. I was, at certain times, the weak and awkward kid at school – I was always slightly feminine. STILL, it wasn't that much, and I felt at ease with who I was and had friends, and almost always fit in the groups at school.
I always had feelings for girls. I always fantasized about them. Still, I love being submissive as much as I love dominating – even more at times. At 4th grade, when kids start humping each other, I was always the one in the front, and I really enjoyed it. The reason I'm sharing all this is that I believe almost everything relating to crossdressing is a result of childhood environments, and that transsexuality is (believed to be) indicated early on before puberty.
It got more and more throughout puberty – and now here I am. Like I said, I live away from my family. I'm in Atlanta, and I have been fully dressing since March 2015. I've been with 3 men, and I absolutely loved the encounters. Even thinking of them turns me on, to be honest. I love being en femme, and even though I get the urge to undress immediately following climax, the urges subside within just 3-4 minutes. (used to be more.) It's more than just sex – it just feels amazing, and in a way, right.
NOW – the contradictions. I also love my male self – except when these contradictions arise. I've had sex with approx. 10 women. I enjoyed all of them greatly, and I loved the chase too. I have taught myself to be very confident and be successful – in life, business, and with women. I love flirting with women, I love naked women, and I love dominating women. I am what is considered an alpha male when I'm not en femme. I love the confidence, power, and the problems being a man brings. I love competition. I am a very aggressive person. Still, I also realize that a woman could have these qualities too.
I love having sex with men while dressed, and I am fully submissive. I fantasize about it often. I love the feeling of being taken and being ravaged by a man. I love being "slutty". I love being very, very feminine – not just physically, but emotionally and behaviorally too. But I am the exact opposite when I'm not in girl mode – or I've conditioned myself to hide those feelings because it doesn't feel right in this body. I do NOT know. After a period of crossdressing and having to put it away because of my roommate returning, having to work, or whatever reasons, I feel fine. I go back to being just like any other normal guy, in terms of sexuality/gender. Not just like any other guy, even – I go back to my alpha self. After a period of admiring women from a male perspective (with occasional thoughts of "what if I was her..."), I come across something that makes me think of crossdressing, and the whole cycle starts again...
And this is when I start struggling psychologically, because the cycle is very, very degrading emotionally.
I want to know which of these things I am. I have sworn countless times, in guy mode, to give up crossdressing, solely because it causes these emotional issues. I know – the urges never go away. I realize that. I tried to abstain – but they come back even stronger.
Right now I'm in a period of abstinence and enjoying bachelor life – I'm dating, and I just went to a strip club for the first time 2 days ago, and it was absolutely amazing.
And the urges are coming back.
You can see how confusing this whole thing is.
I'm asking you, the great members of
susans.org, because most of you are older than me and have taken the path I am taking right now, be it inadvertently or not. I want to transition early on for better results IF I decide that I am fully transgendered. But you can see why I keep going back and forth.
I don't even know what questions are the right ones to ask.
I know that the urges will only get stronger, especially with the subsiding of testosterone as I age. I know that that side of me will never go away.
Yet I know that I enjoy being a masculine man too, and am afraid of letting that go, for reasons that might subconsciously be associated with fear of losing power, fear of not fitting in, or something of the like... Still, I GREATLY enjoy being masculine...
1) Am I transgendered or a crossdresser? Dualgender?
2) Do you think I am not accepting myself?
3) ...What can I do? What would you have done? What HAVE you done in this scenario?
4) What do you think of me in general?
Thank you so, so much for reading. I shed a few tears typing this out. This has taken a great emotional toll on me lately.
Thank you so much for having such an amazing community I've gotten so much from, just by lurking. I want to be a part of this community from now on.
With love,
Heather (en femme, obviously..)
