It sounds like you could benefit from speaking to a professional, or maybe just writing out all of your feelings so you can sort them out. Depending on where you live and what your options would be for getting on hormones, I'd recommend starting with the therapist in case you need a referral letter.
I decided on T pretty spur of the moment. I knew I was trans for several years, and had socially transitioned several months prior. The only thing I went into transition knowing I wanted was top surgery. And I was pretty similar to what you described - spent hours looking at pics, videos, etc., doing research, figuring out what my options were. I wasn't 100% decided on T until I met with the doctor who would be administering my HRT. She helped me talk through my concerns and addressed them based on her experiences as an HRT provider. Then I was decided. I was never afraid of going too fast or doing something wrong. I knew that I'd get on T at some point for some length of time to achieve the features that I wanted, it was just a matter of when to start and how long to use it.
My only advice is to figure out how you're going to come out in the rest of your life. Unlike estrogen, testosterone use is tough to hide after a few months. You can explain a voice drop as a cold, but after a while people are going to wonder why you're still sick. Growing excessive hair as a AFAB person is a telltale sign that something is going on hormonally. I'd say you could hide it for 3-6 months before someone would start asking questions.
