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transition regret,my concerns and a question for you all

Started by Luna Star, January 13, 2016, 10:57:40 AM

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Luna Star

Hello there all I don't post a lot but I had a question for you all.

How real and big of a danger is this transition regret?
I've been reading a bit about it and reading up some statistics and it's hard to tell which one are reliable and which ones aren't.

I've been very sure for the past 3 years that I want to transition but this stuff actually makes me a bit hesitant. I'm afraid of falling in the mindset again of "if I ignore it then it's going to be fine" which always lead to a major depression...

My question to you all is. How often does it happen and what do you think the reason is for this regret?
And also anything you could advice me with just to be sure with myself because I'm getting scared
Luna, the poet and the digital artist.

Pleased to meet you ;)
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pyhxbp

Quote from: Luna Star on January 13, 2016, 10:57:40 AM
Hello there all I don't post a lot but I had a question for you all.

How real and big of a danger is this transition regret?

I do not know of anyone who has regretted it.

Why do you think you might regret it?

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Dee Marshall

I don't personally know anyone who has gone through it. All the statistics I've seen imply that it's very rare and I suspect that most of the people pushing the idea do it because they think we're "icky".

Sent from my SHIELD Tablet using Tapatalk

April 22, 2015, the day of my first face to face pass in gender neutral clothes and no makeup. It may be months to the next one, but I'm good with that!

Being transgender is just a phase. It hardly ever starts before conception and always ends promptly at death.

They say the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. I say, climb aboard!
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Luna Star

Quote from: pyhxbp on January 13, 2016, 10:59:58 AM
I do not know of anyone who has regretted it.

Why do you think you might regret it?

Partially because I don't follow the typical stereotype. My dysphoria is very real and all that
But as a kid I wasn't particularly feminine (although I used to stare into the mirror a lot wondering what it would be like being a girl.) My parents also constantly claim they never saw it in although they are supportive in all the other ways I suppose. And I'm not really that extremely girly like I see a lot of other mtf's being.I would fit more into a sort of "tomboy" category.

In short it comes down to me having to tell people repeatedly that I want to be a woman but they never "saw" it in me, which can be really discouraging.
Luna, the poet and the digital artist.

Pleased to meet you ;)
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pyhxbp

Quote from: Luna Star on January 13, 2016, 11:10:28 AM
Partially because I don't follow the typical stereotype.

What is "... the typical stereotype"?


Quote from: Luna Star on January 13, 2016, 11:10:28 AM
My dysphoria is very real ... My parents also constantly claim they never saw it ...

In short it comes down to me having to tell people repeatedly that I want to be a woman but they never "saw" it in me, which can be really discouraging.

Many of us suffer that. My mother says it all the time. You do not sound all that different to me
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Devlyn

This is a case where a therapist can help you sort things out. Are you seeing one?

Hugs, Devlyn
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Kellam

I have found myself quite happy in a less binary or non binary space. I call my gender trans tomboy because both are important to me. I needed my body dysphoria to end but I am not that into most girly things. I do like nail polish and dangly earings though not makeup and fashion. Most of my clothing is masculine leaning women's clothing. Jeans, button front shirts etc. but I do love bright colors and pigtails. I enjoy shopping but I spend most of my time hiking or building stuff. Just bought my first car in twenty years and am excited to learn how to fix it myself.

My folks didn't see it coming either, I am 37, but once I came out they said they could see it and wondered how they didn't before.

Most of the cases I have seen of trans regret are due to acceptance/social pressure issues. The relief from dysphoria is wonderful but the people around you might be jerks. I have found that it is worth the public ridicule to not hate myself anymore. If you can get through the worry of what others may be saying to or about you you are home free. I jumped right into full time pre hrt so I got a ton of crap early on, but the worst is over now and I am stronger because of it. So, trans regret as such is because socially it is hard to be trans, not because anyone regrets the benefits of medical transition.

I do pass but being a butch woman I get the stuff, including misgendering, that straight cis men tend to direct at butch women. But everyone treats me like a woman!
https://atranswomanstale.wordpress.com This is my blog A Trans Woman's Tale -Chris Jen Kellam-Scott

"You must always be yourself, no matter what the price. It is the highest form of morality."   -Candy Darling



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Luna Star

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on January 13, 2016, 11:21:34 AM
This is a case where a therapist can help you sort things out. Are you seeing one?

Hugs, Devlyn

I have been for quite a while and he pretty much instantly told me and especially my parents that the depression I was suffering from was gender dysphoria and it was a pretty real thing to see in my case.( He said that after my parents claimed that I wasn't suffering from such a thing but just depression, and to relieve myself i would dress up which was a pretty dumb assumption on their part.
Luna, the poet and the digital artist.

Pleased to meet you ;)
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stephaniec

For one thing how would anyone else know what you go through. To make statements like you never expressed yourself that way. I'm sure there aren't too many mind readers out there. As far as transitioning , the only thing that would concern me about regret would be GCS and by the time you got to that final decision I'm sure you'll know what your doing. Everything else outside of GCS is reversible. That's why all the hurdles , so you don't haphazardly jump in.
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Devlyn

Make sure you tell the therapist you're having doubts and discuss the issue. That's what they get paid to do.

Hugs, Devlyn
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HoneyStrums

People do regret it, but not as often as you ight think.

And in cases of regret transition its self is not always the reason.

Getting an operation you dont realy want is somthing you are very likely to regret. exspecialy if ther are complication.

transition is not an all the way or nothing at all situation.

eg, going on hormoans for example because you feel as though you need hormoans in order to be alowed to wear the clothes you want.

We have gae keepers and the cruelist thing these gate keepers do, is say well if you dont want the op you not getting the hormoans.

The key is knowing what you want, and aiming for that, not going further when you dont want to.

oh and there is nothing wrong with putting a halt on things when your having doubts. the worst thing we can do to our selvs is, being of the mnd, ive started their is NO going back now. You can halt and/or perspone things as long as you need to.


Im no exspeert but i do beleve that, forgetting these things, are definatelly things that could increase a persons chances of regret. but.

This regret would be, going further then want to and wishing you didnt. or being un realistic about things that can go wrong and not prepearing yourself for the possibility.

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Harley Quinn

Nobody ever said you have to be effeminate to be a woman. Transition for me was strictly a completion of me... I have always been me, and I act no differently. I believe that the regrets come from another issue that wasn't addressed, or a preconceived notion that it'll make you into an entirely different person. If it's what you want how can it be wrong? Becoming something that you are not is certainly going to cause distress and unhappiness down the line.
At what point did my life go Looney Tunes? How did it happen? Who's to blame?... Batman, that's who. Batman! It's always been Batman! Ruining my life, spoiling my fun! >:-)
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Beth Andrea

I have doubted myself ever since starting...but I could never see myself regretting transition.

I might be ignored and/or made fun of as myself, but really that's better than being ignored and/or made fun of while posing as a male.

As for GCS, you'll never know until after you take in irrevocable step...in my case, I addressed this via an orchi...recovery was super quick, and I felt immensely better (physically and psychologically) once those things were gone. Still not "girly" in presentation, but definitely inside me there is no doubts anymore.

YMMV, remember the source of the regret stories, and read them with a critical eye, just as with pro-trans narratives..
...I think for most of us it is a futile effort to try and put this genie back in the bottle once she has tasted freedom...

--read in a Tessa James post 1/16/2017
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Luna Star

Quote from: pyhxbp on January 13, 2016, 11:15:45 AM
What is "... the typical stereotype"?


Many of us suffer that. My mother says it all the time. You do not sound all that different to me
I don't know about there but in Belgium there is a lot more screen time for trans people. But the people who end up on these documentaries or shows follow the classic "I knew I was trans as a child cause I was extremely feminine and thus I'm extremely feminine now." It kinda is backfiring on me because I get told that I'm trying to follow a "trend" and that being trans is "in" nowadays. My parents aren't always the smartest... But nonetheless that is what I meant
Luna, the poet and the digital artist.

Pleased to meet you ;)
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stephaniec

Quote from: Luna Star on January 13, 2016, 12:03:19 PM
I don't know about there but in Belgium there is a lot more screen time for trans people. But the people who end up on these documentaries or shows follow the classic "I knew I was trans as a child cause I was extremely feminine and thus I'm extremely feminine now." It kinda is backfiring on me because I get told that I'm trying to follow a "trend" and that being trans is "in" nowadays. My parents aren't always the smartest... But nonetheless that is what I meant
I know it's hard to ignore people , but sometimes it's what you need to do. It's your mind no one else's.
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Patti


Quote from: Kellam on January 13, 2016, 11:22:55 AM
I have found myself quite happy in a less binary or non binary space. I call my gender trans tomboy because both are important to me. I needed my body dysphoria to end but I am not that into most girly things. I do like nail polish and dangly earings though not makeup and fashion. Most of my clothing is masculine leaning women's clothing. Jeans, button front shirts etc. but I do love bright colors and pigtails. I enjoy shopping but I spend most of my time hiking or building stuff. Just bought my first car in twenty years and am excited to learn how to fix it myself.

My folks didn't see it coming either, I am 37, but once I came out they said they could see it and wondered how they didn't before.

Most of the cases I have seen of trans regret are due to acceptance/social pressure issues. The relief from dysphoria is wonderful but the people around you might be jerks. I have found that it is worth the public ridicule to not hate myself anymore. If you can get through the worry of what others may be saying to or about you you are home free. I jumped right into full time pre hrt so I got a ton of crap early on, but the worst is over now and I am stronger because of it. So, trans regret as such is because socially it is hard to be trans, not because anyone regrets the benefits of medical transition.

I do pass but being a butch woman I get the stuff, including misgendering, that straight cis men tend to direct at butch women. But everyone treats me like a woman!

Thanks for this post, I do feel some alignment with quite a bit of what you outline here. Which fuels doubt. But yeah, I think that regret comes from external pressures. I just saw a therapist for the first time. That definitely helps. Maturity to be able to make sure that one walks oneself through the process and doesn't run towards a result is important too.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
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Luna Star

Quote from: stephaniec on January 13, 2016, 12:09:43 PM
I know it's hard to ignore people , but sometimes it's what you need to do. It's your mind no one else's.

Yeah I try to, just annoying that everyone keeps telling you that you're mostly delusional and that they don't understand hence how can it be an issue for you, oh well.



Also thanks for all the responses everyone :)
Luna, the poet and the digital artist.

Pleased to meet you ;)
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AnonyMs

The most common regret I hear is people regretting they didn't start transition earlier. You'll hear it often. You may eventually say it yourself, I wish I'd started 3 years ago when I knew.

I'm not planning on social transition until I have no choice. If I regret it then I'm in big trouble as neither way works. And if it works out really well, then I'm pretty much guaranteed to seriously regret waiting so long.

It seems likely that if you want to transition now you'll do it eventually. These things seem to get worse over time. Just give it 5, 10, 20 years, and you'll get there.

I gave no signs to anyone, and still don't, apart from being on HRT and all that. I didn't even realize myself 10 years ago. That standard trans narrative is not true and causes a lot of harm,
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