So, um hi there. My therapist recommended me this site to help me make connections and in hopes that it'll help me transition easier.
So, I'm Scarlet, or well, the name I like to go by, though my legal name is Zak. I'm 19 years old, and I'm MtF. I made it my new years resolution to come out and try to start transitioning. Here's how I came to this point:
I have never been comfortable around men due to my early years in life and how my grandmothers second husband treated me. I used to live in Kansas until I was 11. During that time in Kansas, I was never quite happy with myself, I was stressed, I felt like I didn't fit in, I just felt different from everyone else, and felt misunderstood. I mainly had female friends, and when I wanted to go spend time with them at their house or have them come over, I wasn't allow, and I didn't understand why. I couldn't make friends with guys because, I was unable to really find any interest in the things they liked. I was always very quiet and pretty shy. I preferred the company of imaginary friends, so at recess, I would play with the care bears, Link from the legend of zelda, mario, star fox, etc. It brought me comfort. At home, I would try and um, well, mess with my genitalia, hoping it would just go away. I didn't know why, I just knew that's what I wanted. My father caught me in the act one day, and gave me a talking to about what I was doing wrong. I was so embarrassed. I didn't do it again because I was afraid of being caught again. There was one time, where I was at a grandparents house. They had dress up clothes for girls (Mainly my sisters at the time). I put them on with my cousin, and I felt normal for a second. My family thought I was just being silly. I never got another chance because I wasn't allowed, that and I grew too big for the clothes.
I always got Jealous of my sisters because they could play inside all day, but I got forced outside, because I was a boy. I was okay with playing outside, but I never cared for it. I always had my hair buzz cut, and it annoyed me because I just wanted to grow my hair out. It just felt right to me, but at the time I didn't know why. When I moved down to Florida and started Middle School, I was in for a shock. I was sheltered as a kid, went to a christian school, so I didn't know anything about dating, cursing, sex, etc. I had a culture shock. I struggled to adapt. I got bullied a lot because I was different, because I didn't understand. I remember getting bullied because I didn't know anything about cartoon network or nickalodian because I wasn't allowed to watch it. Then, one day in Math class, we had free time. Two girls walked up to me, and asked me "Do you like beating guys off?" I was taken back by this question. I didn't know what they meant, so I just shyly said, "I-I don't know, I-I guess? I don't know." And then they said, "You're a girl trapped in a mans body." The bell rung and I left school. I was shocked, time slowed down for me. I started questioning everything. That night I cried myself to sleep. I felt like a whole bunch of feelings were pouring from me. Everything felt like it clicked, but then I had another issue, I had no way to fix it, I didn't even know what it meant to be female trapped in a males body. From that point, I slowly got suicidal. I would cry myself to sleep, wanting it all to end, but they I thought to myself, that there had to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I kept believing that, but I didn't know what I was fighting for, or why I was. I eventually found a way to repress my feelings. I stopped having suicidal thoughts, but I still wasn't happy. I tried to ignore any thoughts about being the wrong gender, I tried to refuse it because I thought I could cope, I thought it would just go away. From that point it would come in waves. At one point, after I had learned to use the internet, I made a few online friends. I told them, and they...didn't take it well, so I went back into repressing it. At this point I was always making sure I wasn't found out, trying to blend in, but never feeling like I did. I always felt singled out in a crowd. When I was at my second high school, in my junior and senior year, I tried to socialize again. I would always get nervous, fearing that they would find out something about me I didn't want them to know. One of the friends I made, at one point told me they viewed me as a girl, because of how I acted, my personality around them. I was shocked but then, after warming up to them, I came out to them and they were pretty supportive. I was nervous, because I didn't know if they would tell anyone or not. Eventually I settled down, and became more comfortable. Around them I wasn't as depressed, but I still didn't feel right, I still felt that looming feeling I need to hiding, no one will accept me for who I am.
After High school, I well, repressed it again, unable to face it to accept myself. I eventually sunk into depression, unable to motivate myself to do anything, it was always looming in the back of my mind, no matter how much I pushed and pushed. I went and saw a therapist. around the 3rd session, I mentioned to her my gender issues. At the time I had a girlfriend, and so the therapist said, "You know you can't be with your girlfriend if you do that." I was sadden by this, and so I tried even harder to repress it. I felt okay for a time with my gender, though I would have spurts where I wasn't. I thought, that I needed to focus on sex then, hoping that maybe if I did that, I would be more comfortable being a man, because in my view, it seemed like men liked to focus a lot on sex and their penis size. I tried that, but it never helped. My girlfriend eventually broke up with me after two years (It was long distance) but we remained friends. So then last December I made up my mind for what I want this year....Then in the first week, my ex girlfriend asks if I liked only guys, and then said she was glad I didn't because it would have hurt her ego. She then told me that I should have told her sooner so she could have broken up with me sooner. My confidence was hit, I started doubting again. I came out to my mom, and she said that she had a phase where she wished she was a guy, but then said she wants me to be happy. More doubt filled my mind. I only had a few friends who truly supported me, and I was and still am scared to come out to my family because I fear they will reject me, and if they do, I have no where to go. I hung out with friends last week, and they referred to me as Scarlet the entire time. It was weird to me, I was happy, and nervous, but at the same time, I still had the thought in my head, "I'm still male." So it didn't feel completely right. Then this Monday I talked to a therapist, and she helped me get to this point again, and that's where the introduction all started.
Sorry about the wall of text, but that's a brief story of how I got here today. I know that right now in the present, I want to transition, align my body with my mind, and become female, but I have so many fears. My biggest, is starting hormone therapy and then chickening out. I also have fears about how dating will work because my track record isn't the best and well...I don't want to be rejected just because I'm trans. I also have fears like not being able to pass as a woman. One of the things I also question is my sexuality, because, I like women, but when I think about guys, I can't see myself guy on guy type stuff, but I can see myself as a female with a guy. I know I also want surgery at some point, but I don't know if I'd want to go for it as soon as possible or wait until it's possible that like, I could have a baby since I've read that could be possible in the future. I also had a friend tell me to wait and try having sex as a man (Since I'm a virgin) and seeing if that helps change my mind, because to her, my life has always been fighting gender roles, and if I had not been, I wouldn't have questioned my gender.
Anyways, um, I think I've gone on long enough. It's nice to meet you all! I hope I can make a few friends here, and maybe even find some local friends on here.
